Sinatra

Okay, so I'm leafing through this stained and tattered copy of JIM MOSELEY'S BOOK OF SAUCER NEWS and it becomes pretty apparent to me that wikipedia stinks and John A. Keel DID NOT come up with the term "Men In Black." Here I find, I do believe, earlier examples! And now I think I've gone crazy because I felt the need to make this correction. What else? Here is part of a caption from JIM MOSELEY'S BOOK OF SAUCER NEWS: "Photo at left shows Andy Sinatra, better known as the Mystic Barber, together with his charming wife Giovannina. The strange devices on their heads are said to be some sort of psychic machines to keep the Space People from reading their thoughts. Mr. Sinatra claims to have made astral voyages to the Moon and to the center of the Earth." It goes on. You know, "googling" will get you a surprising number of hits for Andy Sinatra the Mystic Barber. Speaking of the internet, it's tough on Jim Moseley. The SECOND SENTENCE of his wikipedia bio quotes some dude as saying that Moseley "entertained just about every view it is possible to hold about UFOs, without ever managing to say anything especially interesting or memorable about any of them." Kind of mean! I suppose there is lots of infighting in UFO circles. Don't you imagine that to be the case? Also mean: in this library copy, someone has scrawled in pencil under Moseley's author photo, "What planet is this alien from? (answer on page 77)" - well! I didn't think he looked so bad. Just like a pleasant "square" in thick glasses. But I turned to page 77, and the same person (I assume) had written in pencil, "answer: Mississippi" (which doesn't even seem to be true). Curiously, there is nothing else about Mississippi anywhere on that page. What's everybody got against Jim Moseley? Smells like a conspiracy to me! (Photo at left shows Andy Sinatra, better known as the Mystic Barber.)

A Corner Cold and Dark

So you just know I had to go back to the university library and see whether they have a UFO section. Do they? AND HOW! Look at this amazing thing I found (above). It is large and floppy with the size and texture of a children's coloring book. But it is no book for children. No, as you can see, it is about HOW TO CONTACT SPACE PEOPLE. Please let me emphasize that the author is not joking. Chapter Ten starts like so: "Well, dear readers, enough of all this. I hope you are convinced by now that I have, and can, communicate at will with flying saucers." When I checked it out, Bob (the librarian) said of the space person on the cover, "Oh! He looks like us... but not." How right Bob was. HOW TO CONTACT SPACE PEOPLE is published by Saucerian Books of Clarksburg, West Virginia (West Virginia again!) - a small outfit, I would imagine. I also checked out another Saucerian Books publication: JIM MOSELEY'S BOOK OF SAUCER NEWS. Same format as HOW TO CONTACT SPACE PEOPLE, even cheaper paper. I have to say, the UFO section of the library is extremely cold and dark! Some of the lights aren't working. COINCIDENCE? Also in Chapter Ten of HOW TO CONTACT SPACE PEOPLE, we find the author's illustration of his space friends "Twitter and Tweeter." COINCIDENCE? Or could the "twitter" we all enjoy today be a conspiracy from outer space? The answer is obvious. Oh, and don't think I neglected the old-fashioned magic and ghosts section. I came across an odd publication there with a plain white cover, black type. It purported to be "Extracts from 44 Recorded Tapes" of a medium channeling various spirits. No publication information at all! But an address of a psychic center in Wisconsin and a PHONE NUMBER! I called the number (just to see whether the psychic center is still there, and how a psychic center would answer the phone, I guess) and it was some poor old lady's house! And I woke that lady up from a nap! And I felt really terrible. The phone rang and rang and rang and rang and rang, no answering machine or voicemail or anything, and finally she picked up. I said I had the wrong number. She said, "I'm sorry, I can't hear you very well. I just woke up. This is _________." And she was one of the people credited on the book cover with transcribing the ghost tapes! I said, "I am so sorry, I have the wrong number. I'm sorry I disturbed your nap." And she said, "I just sit here and watch the world go by." That's what she said! You can imagine my strange stirring of sad emotions. But anyway, according to this book, do you know how the great blues singer Bessie Smith spends her time in heaven? Psychically communicating with a cat! Among other people from the "other side," we get messages from Thomas Jefferson, Gandhi, Chopin, "Bimbo the Clown," and... Lionel Barrymore. So that's weird.

Skulkin'

Yes, that was me skulking around in the creepy part of the library where nobody goes. I figured since they keep the John Dee biographies up there I ought be able to find all sorts of other weird stuff. I was right! Brother, it's a gold mine! Like, the last time the "blog" discussed Upton Sinclair, we discovered that he was an old fussbudget who didn't want anybody to enjoy a liquor drink. But did you know he believed in telepathy? I guess he needed something exciting to do besides get drunk! So he would sit around trying to make people read his mind. He wrote a whole book about it called MENTAL RADIO. The library's got it! Libraries are fun! Within the first few pages ol' Upton declares "Telepathy is real" and specifies that it can work on you from up to 40 miles away. Pretty specific! That's good specifying. I didn't check out MENTAL RADIO. I just stood there and thumbed through it. A lot of it seems to be these cute little doodles that Upton Sinclair drew. Then he tries to get people to read his mind and draw the same doodles! All right. I DID check out a weird book called JADOO. I am assuming it is weird. The title is weird. What does it mean? I DON'T KNOW YET! But it comes from the secret "crazy section" of the library so I have high hopes. It was written in the 50s and seems to be about the author's "true" adventures in "exotic" locales. Dig these chapter titles! - "City of Snakes" - "Wizard of Cairo" - "Invitation From the Devil" - "Hellship to Bombay" - and so on and so on, culminating with "On the Track of the Abominable Snowman"! Wow! One of the first things he writes is, "Peddling adventure is my business." Yeah! I like a writer with confidence. Another chapter starts "New York, with its murders, muggings, street beatings, and undercurrent of sexual violence, is by far the most dangerous city on earth." He's opinionated! And you know, I thought I recognized his name - it's John A. Keel. Turns out it's because he's the guy who wrote a book about a famous West Virginia creature called "The Mothman." I might... have a copy???? They made it into a movie starring Richard Gere as the guy who battles "The Mothman." This I didn't know: according to wikipedia, Keel also came up with the popular slice of UFO lingo "Men in Black." And speaking of UFOs, the old wikipedia tells me that Keel didn't believe in aliens... that would be crazy! No, he maintained that UFOs were occupied by ghosts and monsters. Okay! That's more like it. Quote: "Keel coined the term 'ultraterrestrials' to describe UFO occupants he believed to be shape-changing, non-human entities." Gee I feel funny. Maybe this book dust is going to my head.

Shazam

I went over to Square Books and bought a copy of SUPERGODS by Grant Morrison because I read a kind of bad review of it, and you know me. Bad reviews make me buy things in defiance! Just skimming so far, but pleased to see that like Elaine Dundy before him, Morrison emphasizes the connection between Elvis Presley and Captain Marvel Jr.: "by the time his own physique was somewhat less than slender, he had his costumes designed to recall Captain Marvel Jr.'s boyish, cavalier spirit. Take a look at the short capes and high collars Presley wore in later years and note how Captain Marvel Jr.'s tousled, jet-blue cut was re-created on Elvis's troubled head." Speaking of Square Books, I haven't mentioned my famous recommendation shelf in a while because IT STOPPED SELLING. But a couple of days ago I rearranged it completely AND IT SOLD ANOTHER BOOK WITHIN MINUTES. Check it out! Buy a book! It won't kill you! I don't get paid for this! I am just trying to keep the publishing industry alive. You're welcome! (PS - Please note that while I titled this "post" "Shazam," that is what Billy Batson said to turn into Captain Marvel, NOT what Freddy the newsboy said to turn into Captain Marvel Jr. What Freddy said was "Captain Marvel"! Which is kind of confusing when you think about it. He could never introduce himself to anybody! Because when he said it again, he would change back! Anyway I'm so glad I cleared that up. I didn't want you to stay up tonight worrying.) Hey, while I've got you here... what? You have somewhere to be? While I've got you here, I was thinking about that hilarious time recounted in the 1909 John Dee bio when Edward Kelley was having a seance with Dr. Dee and asked the spirit to loan him a few bucks. Then I remembered I have the 1659 facsimile of all the recorded seances, so I thought I would look up that particular one to see whether there was any other hilarious hilarity. Nope. The rest of it was mostly like this: "Here appear 14 of divers evil-favoured shapes: some like Monkies, some like Dogs, some very hairy monstrous men, &c. They seemed to scratch each other by the face." Shazam!

A Knave!

So I was just reading in this book how John Dee and Edward Kelley were hanging out with this magical spirit and John Dee was all, why haven't you told me more stuff? And the spirit goes, "I told you more [than] all your Dog painters and Cat painters can do." Smith provides a footnote: "No explanation of this curious remark can be offered." I love footnotes! But the funny part is that Edward Kelley immediately asks the spirit to lend him "a hundred pounds for a fortnight." The spirit reasonably explains that she doesn't carry cash, or as she puts it, "I have swept all my money out of doors." Anyway, that Edward Kelley! Trying to mooch off the spirits. What a knave!

A Merveylous Rage

I was in the library looking at a couple of biographies of John Dee. One was from the 1970s and the other was from 1909. So I thought I'd see if the 1970s book had anything to say about the 1909 volume. I was trying to decide which one to check out! ISN'T THIS FASCINATING? So the intro to the 1970s bio did mention the 1909 book by Charlotte Fell Smith: despite its "flaws, which are many," said the 1970s dude, at least Ms. Smith was trying to rehabilitate Dr. Dee's reputation to some extent. I guess before her, everybody was mostly interested in the time his friend Edward Kelley convinced him that angels wanted them to swap wives! And you have to admit that's pretty juicy! So the 1970s biographer went on to say that he still thought Charlotte Fell Smith spent too much time talking about John Dee's wackier adventures. And I was like, "Okay! I want the crazy 1909 book with its 'flaws, which are many.'" That's how I like my books! With their "flaws, which are many." Smith mentions the same old stuff about Kelley's ears being lopped off and the time he dug up a body. But she clarifies that Kelley just wanted to question "an evil spirit speaking through [the dead man's] organs." So that explains it! "After this savoury episode," she goes on, "Kelley is reported to have been wandering in Wales (it is suggested that he was hiding from justice) when he stumbled accidentally upon an old alchemical manuscript and two caskets or phials containing a mysterious red and white powder." Okay! Let me also add that the 1909 book is not a reprint. It's the actual book from 1909 and has those great thick pages with the ragged edges and smells great, like an old book, which it is. So that's another reason to pick it! It seems that Dee's wife couldn't stand old Edward Kelley moving into their house, even BEFORE he started putting the moves on her! Smith quotes Dr. Dee's diary from May 6, 1582: "Jane in a merveylous rage at 8 of the cloke at night, and all that night, and next morning till 8 of the cloke." That's 12 solid hours of wifely rage! Dee "carefully erased" that passage, apparently out of respect for his wife. "It is, however, possible to make it out almost entirely," Smith notes. Now, I don't know a single thing about Charlotte Fell Smith, but whoever she was, I like the thought of her in the early 1900s in some weird old room with a high window reading John Dee's diary, don't you?

Every Human Emotion

So there is this commercial for an online university and at the end of it, a recent graduate of the online university steps onto an elevator to start her new life as a businessperson. She is very composed as the elevator doors close (see the photo to the right). Then, as the elevator rises, in the last four or five seconds of the commercial, EVERY HUMAN EMOTION CROSSES HER FACE! IT'S THE ACTING PERFORMANCE OF THE CENTURY, I AM NOT KIDDING! Without a word of dialogue, in a matter of scant seconds (allow me to reemphasize), this young woman creates a full character who HAS BEEN THROUGH IT ALL. She's scared! She's proud! She's happy! But there is a hint of tears - just a hint! - to let us know it wasn't easy. She has had to give up so much! I don't know, maybe someone she loved DIDN'T MAKE IT to see this moment. That's how deep this woman gets into her character. BUT IT WAS ALL WORTH IT! That's what dawns on her in the closing split second of the ad. You practically see her becoming a new person. You think I am kidding but just look out for this commercial. I don't know, maybe the "university" is a scam. Maybe! But this actor is doing her job! So often I just complain about everything I see, but that's only because I'm a jerk. Several years ago I was talking to an actor who used to be on a sitcom called "227." At the time, he thought he was too good for it, so he didn't put much energy into his performance. He said that years later, when he would see reruns of the show on TV, he would yell at his onscreen self: "Commit! Commit!" Well, this young woman really is too good for the commercial but she commits. All right!

They Were Serious About Titles

From Lee Durkee comes word that some people think this is John Dee's birthday and some other people don't. So happy approximate birthday, John Dee! You know, a few weeks ago I read about an "indie rocker" who has just written an opera about John Dee but I didn't tell you because the very idea of it depressed me for some reason. I'm a complicated man! To celebrate John Dee's birthday, I checked out a book from the library: a facsimile of the 1659 edition of A TRUE & FAITHFUL RELATION OF WHAT PASSED FOR MANY YEARS BETWEEN DR. JOHN DEE (A MATHEMATICIAN OF GREAT FAME IN Q. ELIZ. AND KING JAMES THEIR REIGNES) AND SOME SPIRITS: TENDING (HAD IT SUCCEEDED) TO A GENERAL ALTERATION OF MOST STATES AND KINGDOMES OF THE WORLD. HIS PRIVATE CONFERENCES WITH RODOLPHE EMPEROR OF GERMANY, STEPHEN K. OF POLAND, AND DIVERS OTHER PRINCES ABOUT IT. THE PARTICULARS OF HIS CAUSE, AS IT WAS AGITATED IN THE EMPERORS COURT; BY THE POPES INTERVENTION: HIS BANISHMENT, AND RESTORATION IN PART. AS ALSO THE LETTERS OF SUNDRY GREAT MEN AND PRINCES (SOME WHEREOF WERE PRESENT AT SOME OF THESE CONFERENCES AND APPARITIONS OF SPIRITS:) TO THE SAID DR. DEE. OUT OF THE ORIGINAL COPY, WRITTEN WITH DR. DEE'S OWN HAND: KEPT IN THE LIBRARY OF SIR THO. COTTON, KT. BARONET. WITH A PREFACE CONFIRMING THE REALITY (AS TO THE POINT OF SPIRITS) OF THIS RELATION: AND SHEWING THE SEVERAL GOOD USES THAT A SOBER CHRISTIAN MAY MAKE OF ALL. See, now, that's a title! I have already found out one thing. Remember that picture I showed you of "Dr. Dee" once? According to the caption in the 1659 edition, that was actually "EDW. KELLY Prophet or Seer to Dr. Dee." BUT! Don't forget, as I have mentioned here before, saucy Edward Kelly (or Kelley) often wore a cowl because (as the 1974 intro to this facsimile puts it) "he had been stood in the pillory and had his ears cut off for forgery." So you can understand my confusion! The intro goes on (and this I didn't know about Mr. Kelly), "He had also been in trouble with the authorities over digging up a corpse from a churchyard." Oh well! Everybody needs a hobby. Today there was a large flying ant in the house and a shiny black snake slithered from under the garbage can and into the kudzu as I was passing by, and I didn't think much of it, but now that I know it's John Dee's birthday it all makes sense.

A Little Cage

Aren't you sick of me telling you about all the commercials I see? Well, just imagine how sick I am of living with myself! So we all have our problems. Today I saw a commercial for what the announcer called a "food security system." It is a little cage and you put your food in the little cage and then you put the little cage in the refrigerator. It is a little cage for your food! Then the commercial wants to prove how secure your food will be in its little cage, so they bring a bear into the kitchen and the bear knocks the little cage around a little bit. I may have misheard, but I think the spokesman says the bear finds it difficult to get into the food cage. So maybe the bear succeeds? I may be mistaken. But when they introduce the bear into the kitchen, the print at the bottom of the screen says "DO NOT ATTEMPT AT HOME." So don't bring a bear into your kitchen, folks! Yes, I know, it's not even funny. Who cares? Maybe I'll go to bed now.

This Just In

Hey, remember how Megan Abbott is coming here to read on the 27th? Turns out that fellow Doomed Book Club member Scott Phillips is going to be at the same event, reading from his new book THE ADJUSTMENT. I don't think it's about a chiropractic procedure! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! But maybe it is. But there is a gun on the cover so I doubt it! This "adjustment" to the schedule - ha ha ha ha ha ha! - promises to make for an action-packed evening. Mark your calendar! Mark it!

1980

Look at this Elvis Costello commercial that McNeil found.

Also, please NEVER FORGET the time I had dinner with Elvis Costello. Thank you.

Greatest Teacher In America

Hey remember the clip McNeil showed us several years ago where Bob Denver's face is buried in the sand and his chin sings a song? Sure you do! Look in your diary from 2007. Today McNeil showed that little number to the class he is teaching. I have said it before and I'll say it again: greatest teacher in America.

Oinkee

I am happy to tell you that John Arrechea is finally back with his column in The Lafa Shopper, the local free circular that gets put into our mailbox. I was worried about him! He hasn't been in there for so long. But he writes this week of his wife's childhood memories, such as her pet pig Oinkee and the one-legged minister who baptized her (the wife, not the pig!). That's just the tip of the iceberg! Get a copy and read it for yourself. Goodbye.

Everybody Loves You, Robert Osborne

Watching a movie called SENIOR PROM on TCM. It's all about this extremely pale guy who wants to be a rock and roller. He sings at a party and plays his guitar by kind of gently patting it nowhere near the strings. His song goes, "The brighter the twinkle/ the nearer the star/ The closer I hold you/ the nearer you are." I guess that second part is irrefutable. Is it a tautology? I have no idea what a tautology is - I just enjoy acting like a big shot and saying fancy things. But the first half of those lyrics is pretty shaky, isn't it, scientifically speaking? I am not an astronomer! The singer's wacky roommate is supposed to be a Jerry Lewis stand-in, I think, which makes the singer an extremely pale Dean Martin, I guess. This "Jerry" is no Sammy Petrillo! He's really more like Jack Webb than Jerry Lewis. His eyes are dead. The serious thing about TCM right now is that the channel's great host Robert Osborne is taking some time off to recuperate from surgery, as I found out on "She Blogged By Night." Get well soon, Robert Osborne! We will not be happy until your return!

This Exists

"This exists," accurately notes Dyna Moe.

Weird Medley of Weirdness

There is no way for me to explain adequately - in a way that will really make you FEEL it - all the weirdness of the Lawrence Welk Show zoo-themed medley that Dr. Theresa and I just witnessed... but this picture should help a little bit!

How Did I Miss This?

Whoa! How did I miss this? I need to pay more attention to the "internet." From that same "web" site, the espresso machine again, this time with a man (woman?) dressed up as a cat (?). All right, "internet"!

A "Post" on the "Internet"

Look! I found a "post" on the "internet" with lots of images from ONCE UPON A COFFEE HOUSE, including this one of a guy showing off his espresso machine.

McNeil's Movie Korner

Welcome once again dear friends to "McNeil's Movie Korner." McNeil has been on a real beatnik kick. He highly recommends BEAT GIRL (pictured). There is another movie called ONCE UPON A COFFEE HOUSE, about which McNeil said to me, "You and I have a high tolerance for this kind of thing." But he is scared to recommend it amateurs! "It's just an excuse to get these folk acts together," McNeil says. "A millionaire [does something... I can't remember what McNeil told me about the millionaire in the plot]. Joan Rivers is terrible in it. The guy who made it has a whole youtube page about it. He's still plugging the movie." This I have confirmed. That gentleman writes in an introductory comment on his youtube page, "It only took me 42 years to find a distributor that actually did anything. How many more years before the public starts watching and buying it?" I know how he feels!

McNeil Reads Me Wikipedia Articles Over the Phone

More than twenty years ago, McNeil got me a gift certificate to the Phar-Mor drugstore for my birthday. He never mailed it. "It's upstairs with a ten cent stamp on it," he said in a phone conversation today. He promises to mail it next year. That's what he says every year. Phar-Mor is a long-defunct chain. The Mobile, Alabama, branch for some reason had a bizarrely vast and eclectic section of VHS tapes for rent for less than a dollar apiece, and they would let you keep them practically forever. It was a paradise on earth. Today McNeil read me the wikipedia entry about Phar-Mor over the phone. That was a real treat. McNeil focused particularly on the legal troubles of Phar-Mor founder Michael "Mickey" Monus. He seemed to enjoy saying "Michael 'Mickey' Monus."

The Long Pole

I am sure you recall when the Doomed Book Club read the autobiography of Mack Sennett. What? You don't? It's kind of hazy for me, too. In case you are interested, which you are not, the TCM "blog" has a nice introduction to Mack Sennett's oeuvre, which is a word I enjoy typing. So many vowels! Here is the way the author sums up the subtlety of the man's style: "if you hold a long pole horizontally, it will wallop people in the head." Ah! But he goes on: "if you do the same joke over and over for 10 minutes, it becomes something superlative." As you know, that is also my theory of writing (substitute "200 pages" for "10 minutes"), but sadly the publishing industry does not agree with me. Fools! Finally, if you read carefully, which I know you love to do, you will see that the author (without using our pet term) argues for silent film comedy as a major vehicle for repressive desublimation. So that's always loads of fun! Wow, it's like I've taken everything you don't care about and put it into one "post." You're welcome! (Pictured, my author photo.)

Birthday Report

Do you want to hear about my birthday? What? You DON'T? You are reading a "blog," stupid! Elizabeth took me to lunch and Anya gave me a painting she created with the jawbone of a cow and Richard Howorth spontaneously made me a root beer float (at Square Books, where a surprise gift certificate from my sister was waiting! AND my recommendation shelf has sold another book!) and Tom Franklin took me to a movie and Dr. Theresa made pork chops for dinner and Joey sent me this picture (above). Perfect! So I had a nice day. So sue me! Thanks, everybody!

Huh

As I was flipping around the channels last night when I couldn't sleep, I came upon Gene Hackman and Mickey Rooney sharing a prison cell. And I kind of went, "Huh." For some reason I never expected to see that. And yet for some other reason I am not using exclamation points to express my many emotions. Maybe I made the exact face that Gene Hackman is making in this picture. Huh. It's not much, but I haven't been "blogging" lately and I feel I owe you something. So this is something. I guess.

Leaping Werewolves!

Spent the Fourth of July in the traditional way: reading about werewolves. Is this is the service of my sprawling fantasy epic? I honestly don't know anymore. Here's some good stuff from OF WOLVES AND MEN by Barry Lopez: "Olaus Magnus writes... that at Christmas werewolves gathered together for drinking bouts and forcefully entered houses for the purpose of raiding the wine cellar." Go, werewolves! Later, they "gathered at the walls of an old castle where they engaged in leaping contests." In the book, the picture above is captioned, "The Livonian wolves at the leaping wall." Happy Fourth of July!

Flashback

Thanks to Brian Z. I suddenly remember THE CROSS AND THE SWITCHBLADE - a movie (starring Pat Boone, I am almost sure) and a tie-in Christian comic book, the latter of which I owned as a kid. When I found the image of it above, that dialogue on the cover came back to me very vividly: "You could cut me up in a thousand pieces! And every piece will say I love you!" I found that weird and fascinating then, and I find it weird and fascinating now. There was also a mass-market paperback that we passed around the classroom because of the one racy page when some gals try to get frisky with the preacher!

Frozen Treats

I see that my famous recommendation shelf at Square Books has sold A WHOPPING THIRTEEN BOOKS, including, most recently, DIE A LITTLE by Megan Abbott. Yes, I am the greatest person ever, but that is not the only important lesson to be learned here. For you see, Megan Abbott is COMING TO TOWN! She'll be reading from her new book THE END OF EVERYTHING at Off Square Books later this month so START GETTING READY TO HAVE YOUR MIND BLOWN NOW. I cannot emphasize this enough: start preparing NOW by reading all of Megan's previous books OR ELSE! Otherwise, Megan's uncanny powers, which culminate in the current volume, will freak out your mind TOO MUCH and the good people at Square Books cannot be held liable for your personal catastrophe! It will be your own fault and you will incur ALL MEDICAL EXPENSES. Most importantly, Megan already sent me a birthday present. She is making the rest of you suckers look bad! It's a French advertisement for Popsicle brand frozen treats, featuring Bob Hope and suitable for framing! Top that, suckers! And don't forget that Megan will be here on July 27 with her own brand of chilly treats... her words! Much like Popsicles, they FREEZE YOUR HEART WITH EXCITEMENT AND TERROR! (Note: That photo is not the Popsicle ad, of course! It just seems to combine the spirit of Bob with the spirit of Megan Abbott... it is Bob and Paulette Goddard in what I assume is a publicity still from THE CAT AND THE CANARY.)

Giant Turtle Theme Song

"I TOLD you there was a giant turtle movie!" Dr. Theresa greeted me triumphantly this morning. Then she showed me this ("click" here): the incredible theme song to the giant turtle movie. I don't remember ever denying there was a giant turtle movie! But I could not have predicted such a theme song, which in its haunting introspection rivals the theme song to SOMEONE I TOUCHED. The title of the giant turtle movie is THE BERMUDA DEPTHS, and Dr. Theresa - not having seen it since her youth - recalls the plot this way: "There's a tragedy, and then a girl goes to live underwater, and later she comes back and wreaks vengeance on the town." While the theme song was playing, Dr. Theresa said, "Did you hear that? That was the giant turtle!" It sounded like a whale. Then she showed me a clip of the movie in which Carl Weathers fires a bazooka at the giant turtle, and the turtle indeed makes a mournful little whale noise, like "Oomf!" Pictured, the giant turtle who stars in THE BERMUDA DEPTHS.

The Debate

After yesterday's report on paint colors, the New York Times chugs right along with a "debate" about "wild nail polish." A debate! One of the people debating "wild nail polish" is an art curator named Angus Trumble. Dickens did not create him! Angus Trumble wrote a scholarly book called THE FINGER. I am telling you the true facts! "One thinks of Empress Dowager Cixi’s impossibly long, gorgeously chased golden fingernail protectors," writes Angus Trumble. One certainly does!

Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner 6

It has been over three lonely years since our last edition of "Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner." But finally Mr. Ward is back, with a special "Presidential Korner" that doubles as "Sizzling Celebrity Gossip." You heard me right! "FYI – Jennifer Aniston is apparently dating our 20th president – James Garfield," reports Mr. Ward.

Now My Big Weird Head Is Looking At You

Hey, look! Here is a picture an artist did of my big weird head. I like it! I opened up the new Yalobusha Review and saw it and I was pretty surprised. Like, "I am almost positive that is my head looking back at me eerily from this magazine." I asked my friend Bill, who was one of the editors of the issue, "Is that my head in your magazine?" He said, "Hmm, I don't recall your head being in the magazine." So I contacted the artist directly and said, "I enjoy your work. Is that my head?" And the artist said yes! Well, it certainly was a shock. The artist said it must have been like that SIMPSONS episode when Homer saw his face on the Japanese detergent box. Yes! But I feel much better now. "Click" here for more about Jordan Speer, the artist.

PS

There is also an article in today's New York Times about Alec Baldwin "meticulously deboning" a "deep-fried whole sea bass."

Paint Company Executive

Spent some minutes of my actual life - minutes that bring us ever closer to the grave! - reading in the New York Times about what paint company executives are naming their paint colors these days. They have colors now called "Darkening Sky" and "Tornado." As one paint company executive helpfully explains to the reporter, "These are things that exist in nature." Thanks, paint company executive!

Sad Snackers

I am deeply troubled by the commercial for a new (?) product called "Hot Pockets Snackers." Several "cool" young people are sitting in an apartment just relaxing and enjoying some "Hot Pockets Snackers." You can tell they are cool because they have a guitar and a bicycle in their apartment, and one of them is wearing a knit cap indoors. The announcer suggests that the "Hot Pockets Snackers" are so much like restaurant food that they should "come with an annoying waitress." Then suddenly by magic an "annoying waitress" appears and "annoys" everyone by being cheerful and doing a little dance. The cool people look on in mute horror (we must assume) with their cool blank faces which cannot express emotion. Part of the heartbreak is thinking of the big wigs in the "Hot Pockets Snackers" corporate boardroom getting excited about how much the cool kids with guitars and bicycles are going to love their "Hot Pockets Snackers" and how they will really "relate" to this commercial that speaks their language of wearing knit caps indoors, opening up the whole "Hot Pockets Snackers" experience to a brand new demographic. The executive officers of "Hot Pockets Snackers" just want to be loved! The other sad part is about the working woman who tries to be upbeat and is implicitly mocked and scorned by the makers of the "Hot Pockets Snackers." This "annoying waitress" who has to go out and make a living probably has little time for cooking and might be forced at some point into a gruesome situation when all she has time for before heading out the door is a bag of "Hot Pockets Snackers." (Note: I couldn't find an actual image of the commercial, but I think this "beatnik" gets the feeling across.)

Poor Ice Cube

I was thinking about how much McNeil loves Ice Cube last night while I was watching a commercial in which Ice Cube has an argument with a stubborn beer bottle. An argument with a beer bottle! And he loses! Oh, Ice Cube.

Perfectly Nice Golf Club

Did I tell you I found a perfectly nice golf club in a trash can yesterday? I don't play golf or anything. But I walked down the sidewalk with the golf club slung over my shoulder just like Bob Hope. I've never felt so alive!

McNeilileaks

Welcome to "McNeilileaks," a brand new "blog" feature where I leak the contents of McNeil's emails. Here's one: "listening to 80s music...eating Lucky Charms...gettin' that vibe down."

Wild Wild McNeil

Today McNeil is showing his students the movie THE WILD, WILD PLANET... which makes him THE GREATEST TEACHER IN AMERICA!

Dr. Theresa's New Favorite Commercial

Dr. Theresa loves the commercial for the Easy Reach Plant Pulley. Its thesis is that THERE IS NO GREATER CHALLENGE YOU WILL EVER FACE AS A FRAGILE HUMAN PERSON THAN WATERING YOUR PLANTS. You might get drenched and embarrassed or fall off a ladder and die, the commercial implies. "Watering cans are heavy!" screams the announcer. But all that is in the past, thanks to the Easy Reach Plant Pulley. Dr. Theresa has not been so excited since the Magic Hands.

For the Sad Clown Completist

An email exchange with Laura Lippman about the demise of Gene Kelly's character in WHAT A WAY TO GO! reminded me that Kelly arguably plays one of the "blog's" favorite things in that movie... a sad clown!

Citterns Are Back and Bigger Than Ever

So this Robert Jordan novel has a cittern on page 243. I thought I'd never have a reason to "blog" about citterns again. Thank God I was wrong!

King of Retail

I know you don't want to hear about this anymore, but it turns out I don't care what you want. The recommendation shelf has sold three more books, for a total of 11. WUTHERING HEIGHTS... sold! CROW PLANET... sold! THE SHARPSHOOTER BLUES by Lewis Nordan... sold! You're welcome, Emily Brontë! You too, crows!

Holy Cow!

So I'm doing a little leprechaun research for my sprawling fantasy epic. I dug out my copy of a 1911 book called THE FAIRY-FAITH IN CELTIC COUNTRIES by W.Y. Evans-Wentz. Mr. Evans-Wentz reports, "I very well remember sitting one night four or five years ago in an hotel in Indianapolis, U.S.A., and talking to four Irishmen, one or two of them very wealthy... each man of the four had a story of his own to tell... of ghostly manifestations seen by him in Ireland. Two of these manifestations were of beings that would fall into no known category; a monstrous rabbit as big as an ass, which plunged into the sea (rabbits can swim), and a white heifer which ascended to heaven."

Busy Butterflies

As I write my 1,000-page sprawling fantasy epic (I'm on page 143 and nothing has happened yet, so I think I'm doing it right) I continue to look for inspiration in this other 1,000-page sprawling fantasy epic. That guy can really stretch a figure of speech over several pages. Of one character, it is said, "Butterflies the size of hedgehogs frolicked in her stomach." That deserves one of these: (!). Then, two pages later, "The butterflies in her belly were beating kettle drums, now." Four pages after that: "The butterflies were still gamboling in her stomach." Anyway, it seems like those butterflies were having a great time. I have to say I cannot imagine butterflies the size of hedgehogs frolicking. It seems to me they would be depressed and lethargic. I hope I do not sound too harshly critical of the author, who as I have mentioned was a very nice man and highly successful at his profession and beloved by his fans. Plus I am not sure if the kick I am getting out of his book is despite or because of the way it's written. I am reminded of when I saw this dialogue tag in Mickey Spillane: "I said observingly." I sort of thought that was the worst adverb I had ever run across. Wouldn't "I observed" be a lot better? And "I said" even better than that? Yeah, but Mickey Spillane used to sell almost as well as the Bible. So shut up, Pendarvis.

Three Minutes In Paradise

You know that the "blog" is mainly about Jerry Lewis and sad clowns. In the first three minutes of THE DAILY SHOW tonight, Jon Stewart mentioned both Jerry Lewis and (on an entirely separate topic, no kidding!) sad clowns. I think what I'm saying is clear: the "blog" has its finger on the pulse of the zeitgeist.

Brigands of the Bog

Say, are you writing a sprawling fantasy epic? Probably! Well, so am I. And I have some dreadful news for you. Thanks to self-publishing on the "internet," EVERY POSSIBLE TITLE IS TAKEN. I thought I had hit on one, finally, right there in the sweet spot between seeming real and being ludicrous: THE WIZARD'S EGG. So of course someone on the "internet" has already written a story called "The Wizard's Egg," which is about - spoiler alert! - a wizard cooking a soft-boiled egg. In case you are wondering (and you shouldn't be - it's a given), yes, there is also an "internet" story called "The Unicorn's Egg." Turns out the "internet" is rife with wizards and unicorns, but we knew that already. My brother-in-law David did send me a bunch of good title suggestions, my favorite of which is BRIGANDS OF THE BOG. That sounds almost like a real one, doesn't it? But I don't know. I think I'll know it when I hear it.

Mummies 'n' Monkeys

My two fave consecutive sentences in today's New York Times: "These mummies were purchased by the Mannheim museum in 1917 from heirs of the artist Gabriel von Max (1840-1915), whose collection of mummies and skulls must have been related to his fascination with parapsychology, hypnosis, somnambulism and spiritualism. His paintings combine kitsch spirituality, a fascination with the primitive and a preoccupation with his large family of pet monkeys." (One of von Max's monkey paintings is shown below.) For the whole article, "click" here. CAUTION: scary mummy pictures!

New Pictures of Monkey Cakes

According to the "stats," these are the "search phrases" that are bringing people to my "blog" RIGHT NOW: "emmett kelly clown" and "new pictures of monkey cakes." Nothing could make me happier - though a close second is the fact that this person is not going to settle for the same old, tired pictures of monkey cakes.

Recommendation Shelf Action

Another book sold from my recommendation shelf, for a total of eight. Here's a fun recommendation shelf fact for all you recommendation shelf fans, of whom there are zero: I always replace a sold book with AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT VOLUME. So if you haven't visited the recommendation shelf for a while, that means you are in for up to 80% of DAZZLING BRAND NEW SELECTIONS! Perhaps this is the time to once again assure the government that I am not employed by Square Books, nor do I get a "piece of the action." I just have a lot of time on my hands. It's sad, really. On a happier note, Michael Bible witnessed the customer who picked up RAVEL by Jean Echenoz from the recommendation shelf. "The guy was excited," he reports. Back to sad things: today at Off Square Books, there will be a "farewell reading" by John Brandon. That's right, he's leaving Oxford, a fact which fills me with vomitous rage at the cosmos. So come say goodbye to John Brandon, and to happiness. Forever!

KTW

I see in an obituary in the New York Times that Kathryn Tucker Windham of Alabama has passed away. When I was growing up in that state, her books were your main go-to source for "real-life" ghost stories. ("Now there's another Alabama ghost," emails fellow Alabaman Tom Franklin.) According to the NYT she also wrote about "encounters with sweat bees, which land on people and lick perspiration." And she delivered a radio address entitled "Honeysuckle Blossoms Smell Wonderful." Of her radio performances, one of her producers is quoted as saying, "Her pauses were almost as long as the content." That's the way to be! But for me, she'll always mean ghosts.

Ixnay on the Dragoncloud

Well, I don't yet have a title for my sprawling fantasy epic. So what do you guys think? It has to sound "real" so I can trick people into buying it. Once I have their sweet, sweet money it will be too late! I thought of one that sounded really truly real: DRAGONCLOUD. So I checked around and there is already something called DRAGON CLOUD on "kindle." Of course there is. It has four authors! My title is better, all run together like that for extra dramatics: DRAGONCLOUD! But still. The product description calls DRAGON CLOUD "a middle-grade fantasy of 28,353 words." Ha ha! My stuff is middle-grade too but I don't go around bragging about it. I have been soliciting alternate titles on the twitter. So far the frontrunner is SWORD ISLAND. But that might have too much pirate in it. Have a better idea? Why not send along? That's "Sprawling Fantasy Epic" c/o "Writer" Oxford, MS 38655. There's nothing in it for you.

He Really Hates That Axe

I suppose you're wondering why I haven't been "blogging" as much as usual. What? You haven't noticed? Well, that just hurts my feelings. But I've been thinking about this GAME OF THRONES business, and naturally I decided to write one of these sprawling fantasy epics. For real! Except mine's going to be "funny" and everyone will hate it. That's my trademark! I've been writing up a storm (79 pages), plus doing some research: reading one of these WHEEL OF TIME books by Robert Jordan. I've never read them before. I grabbed one at random. I don't understand it at all! It's 981 pages long, and then there's a glossary! I was on a panel with Robert Jordan once. He was wearing his hat and rings and sunglasses and brandishing an ornate cane - he really made an impression. Plus he was incredibly gracious and nice. It was one of my first panels as a "writer" and he - a million seller many times over - made me feel welcome and part of the club. I was sorry to hear he passed away not too long ago. So on page 59 of this book of his I'm reading, a guy's axe suddenly comes to life and attacks him. It flies around the room and tries to chop off his head. "'Just you and me now,' he snarled at the axe. 'Blood and ashes, how I hate you!'" That's just crazy. Everything about it is immune to parody. So you can see my problem. You've really put me in a spot, Robert Jordan.

Unassailable Owl Theory Totally Proven Again

I was just over at Square Books, rearranging and freshening my famous recommendation shelf, when I ran into my undergraduate student Andy, who was thumbing through a volume of Lewis Nordan, which is something you are always happy to see an undergrad doing. Andy volunteered that MUSIC OF THE SWAMP by Lewis Nordan is out of print. Can this be true? An unforgivable manmade calamity if so. Andy mentioned that book's wonderful epilogue, titled "Owls," which once again proves my unassailable theory that all great books have owls in them. A boy (the narrator) is riding in a car with his father, who has had some beers. The boy is nervous. They speed past a sign that the boy thinks says "SLOW" but the father insists says "OWLS." They go back. The sign says OWLS. The father cuts off the engine. "Then I heard the owls overhead. I heard the soft centrifugal buffeting of their feathers on the night air. I heard a sound from their owl-throats so soft that I believed it was their breathing." It goes on from there. I was once at a reading where Tom Franklin introduced Lewis Nordan and then Lewis Nordan read that whole epilogue. Soon enough everybody was weeping. Boy oh boy was it great!

Curse of the Recommendation Shelf

You won't believe it! I met Anya up at Square Books today and ANOTHER BOOK HAS ALREADY SOLD from my FAMOUS RECOMMENDATION SHELF, for a total of SEVEN! So that is great. BUT IT IS ALSO A LOT OF PRESSURE. For instance, Lydia Davis sold today and I looked all around the store for something to replace her with and ended up with Hunter S. Thompson. Does that seem exactly right? I am not sure! Plus now the fragile shelf groans under the cosmic burden of both Hunter S. Thompson AND Norman Mailer, and I am not sure it can abide the combo. Suddenly everything seems wrong. The shelf may need some rethinking! Maybe I should start over from scratch. That seems hard! Recommendation shelf, you are my hope and my doom.

Recommendation Shelf Triumphant!

Six books! That's how many have sold so far, all thanks to my recommendation shelf, the most efficient machine of commerce in the history of capitalism. The latest volume to fly off the shelf? MASTERS OF ATLANTIS by Charles Portis. Congratulations to the lucky buyer! Recommendation shelf! Hooray!

G. Gordon Liddy Hates Money

Hey all you G. Gordon Liddy fans! G. Gordon Liddy is back with a new gold commercial. He straps on some goggles and kneepads (!) and blows away a huge stack of money with a leaf blower. He hates money so much! Then he walks over to a pyramid of gold bars and extols the virtues of purchasing a big old pyramid of gold bars. What he DOESN'T do is blow on the gold bars with a leaf blower. WHY NOT? That way he could have demonstrated the selling point that you CAN'T blow away a pyramid of gold bars with a leaf blower! YOU CAN'T! (Illustration of Scrooge McDuck, an alien, and some gold bars courtesy of that fantastic Danish Carl Barks site.)

Delightful Vengeance

Say, do you like things that are great? Then been sure to show up at Off Square Books today to see Ace Atkins read from his brand new novel THE RANGER. If you don't, Quinn Colson (aka THE RANGER) will spring to life and wreak a vengeance most terrible on you. That's what he does!

Downer Time

I don't like to be a "downer"! But I do like to tell you what I watch on TV when I can't sleep! And what if that thing is a downer? So you can imagine my delicate position. Say, if you read this "blog" to enjoy my happy-go-lucky attitude, I advise you to skip this "post," which is drenched in melancholy! And exclamation points! My sleeplessness once again coincided with the wee-hour shift of Tracey from the Gem Shopping Network. Tracey had a partner on with her this time, someone called "Alan," I think, who sounded like an old gentleman, though I never saw him. There was a bejeweled pendant shaped like a cat, which got Tracey talking about the cats she used to smuggle into the jail where she lived as a girl (see my previous "post" about Tracey from the Gem Shopping Network for more details about her interesting childhood). Alan volunteered that his brother has a 20-year-old cat named Buddy who lives in the garage, and whenever Alan comes over for a visit, Buddy runs happily to see him despite his (Buddy's) advanced age. Tracey asked whether Alan owned any pets, and here comes the sad part! Alan said that "tomorrow" (that is, today) would be the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF HIS BELOVED DOG'S DEATH! Tracey felt terrible for asking, but I have to say that she is so smooth and nice and professional, she made the transition back to selling jewelry in a very sweet way. Okay! The sad part is over. FOR NOW! So I can tell you the simply curious (to me) fact that Alan and Tracey tried selling golf clubs... golf clubs with heads (is that what you call that part? the head?) made of a precious stone called "Tiger's Eye." I couldn't have dreamt that, could I? I did not! It really happened. I didn't know that golf clubs could be made of precious stone. "Striated," noted Alan. Let us move on to the part of my insomnia that was also a downer, but in a creepy way. It involves Bob Crane, the actor whose sordid personal life and gruesome manner of death are not the kinds of things we enjoy contemplating here on the "blog"! So let's not! I will just say that when I flipped away from the Gem Shopping Network, it was to the Disney film SUPERDAD, starring Mr. Crane. I do not think that I am projecting my knowledge of his private life onto his performance! But his face was so creepy in that movie! I couldn't watch too much of it. In every shot I saw, Bob Crane's face appeared to be an expressionless mask of deadness. At the very beginning of the film, his grim sleeping face has the image of CHILDREN DANCING AROUND A MAYPOLE sumperimposed on it, a moment so very creepy it could have come straight out of David Lynch. Pretty soon some groovy teens are riding around signing a rockin' song about being free and doing what they want, in the back of a "borrowed" ambulance driven by a young and shaggy-haired Bruno Kirby (!). A traffic cop is surprised when the ambulance goes by and Kurt Russell is sticking out of the back window, lying blithely on a surfboard, shouting derisively at the "squares" he sees! Bruno Kirby tries really hard to get some back-and-forth going in his scene with the cipher that is Bob Crane. Bruno Kirby is game! He is one of those actors who does his utmost for the job. So we can take away something positive from SUPERDAD, I guess. You know, these movie channels don't EVER use the correct aspect ratio for ANYTHING, but for some reason they punctiliously letterboxed SUPERDAD.

Recommendation Shelf Controversy!

I was over at Square Books picking up my Geneva Bible - yes I was! - when I noticed something awry on my recommendation shelf. Awry, I said! The Calvino had been sold... that part is cool! But SOMEONE had replaced it with a novel by some Nobel prizewinner of whom I have never heard. Nothing against Nobel prizewinners! But I shudder to think of false recommendations being issued in my name. "Must have been a weekend worker," theorized an incensed Michael Bible (I wish he had a sister named Geneva Bible). You will be happy to know that I replaced the phony recommendation with one of my old favorites, RAVEL by Jean Echenoz. That makes FIVE books sold by my recommendation shelf, which means that I am turning the economy around for our nation! While I was loitering in Square Books I noticed that Dick Cavett has come out with a new autobiographical volume. How sad I was as I paged through the index and found nary a Jerry Lewis reference. Nor were "Pascagoula" and "UFO" among the listings, leading me to conclude that there is nothing in the book about the time Mr. Cavett interviewed the Pascagoula UFO abductees of my tender youth. So don't waste your money on that one! (Pictured, a detail from Edward De Vere's Geneva Bible, which "Blog" Buddy Lee Durkee has examined in person.)

Crazy Magic Space Chess Time

So Lee Durkee was trying to explain the connection between John Dee and STAR TREK to me, and it had something to do with chess, but I didn't entirely get it, so I went home and "googled." Wow, you can really find yourself in some wild corners of the "internet" when you start "googling" for "star trek + john dee." Like I found this whole "web" page ("click" here) about the various board games played by characters in science fiction stories! Something called "Enochian chess" is "included for completeness." That's where ol' John Dee comes in. Sure, Enochian chess is fun and all, but IT ALSO TELLS THE FUTURE! Okay! "Internet"!