Candyland Forever

"What's wrong with the game going on forever?" Jeff McNeil inquires. "Do these other jokers not want to spend time with their kids?" he rages. "Hugs not drugs!" he insists.

A Message to the People of Nantucket

People of Nantucket, your voices have been heard! Thanks to an overwhelming hue and cry from the Nantucket area, the film version of my short story "The Pipe" will be screened as part of the Nantucket Film Festival.

Candyland Apocalypse

Not since chicken salad has anything resonated for the "blog" in quite the same way as Candyland. Over at the Pendarvis Building we have only the vaguest recollection of the game, but our friends with children seem to think about it all the time. Jim Whorton wrote in just last night to thank Jeff McNeil for his Candyland advice. "My thing with Candyland is, I don't care who wins," Whorton wrote, "I just want the game to be over at some point." By coincidence, this had been the topic at hand earlier in the day, when a "blog" reader by the name of Mr. Ward phoned the Pendarvis Building hotline to discuss, of all things, Candyland. His advice touched precisely on Whorton's concern. Mr. Ward suggests surreptitiously stacking the deck beforehand to ensure that the child wins the game fairly quickly. He was alarmed at Mr. McNeil's ploy of cheating to win, though he admitted that if one stacks the deck, one could stack it either way. Mr. Ward's main goal is speeding up the game. "Candyland is fine," he said. "But it can go on forever if you don't take the proper precautions."

Had a little discussion with Theresa just now, about whether or not I might be able to legally change my first name to Batman. Did not turn out as well as I had hoped.

Much Like Poe

Hey, remember when I said that "Back In the Saddle Again" was a Tex Ritter song? Well, I'm an idiot. It IS a Gene Autry song, just as Lisa implied. And the answer was waiting right under my very nose - SPOILER ALERT! - just like the famous "Purloined Letter" of Edgar Allen Poe. Except it was on my "iPod." Once again, though, I owe you nothing, because this is a "blog."

Big, Half-Naked Kirk Douglas

I had a great big half-naked picture of Kirk Douglas "posted" on the "blog" to illustrate some fascinating point I was making about Spartacus and the nature of "blogging." But I suppose it didn't really belong to me and now it has been removed. So next time you read that "post" you'll just have to imagine a big old picture of Kirk Douglas glowering at you half-naked for yourself.

Dies Irae

I had the hiccups for a few minutes but then they went away. Wow! Scary!

Sad Telephone

Well, we finally threw out our crummy old telephone. It's in the trash can now, and occasionally emits a pitiful, muffled noise.

Jeff McNeil's Candyland Tips for Struggling Parents

As longtime "blog" readers will concede with a knowing chuckle, we at the Pendarvis Building have always held up Jeff McNeil as a paragon of gamesmanship. He proves himself again today, with this little nugget we found slipped under the door: "Here's a Candyland tip for the novice parent...Listen up, Whorton! The red cards and orange cards are VERY similar in color, and a six-year old is easily talked into a double red actually being a double orange if it suits your purpose at a certain juncture of the game. It's not cheating!! Just think of it as a 'lawyer training seminar' or something...it's what those guys get rich doing all day long."

Correction

My ex-boss Lisa was not Gene Autry's personal assistant as previously reported! She simply worked for him at a television station he owned, and would see him around. But as I've pointed out just today, it is not necessary for a "blog" to get anything "right." Lisa highly recommends some museums Autry started in Los Angeles (the Museum of the American West and the Southwest Museum of the American Indian), which she declares are superb. And she offers this memory: "The only really juicy thing -- and rather touching also -- that I can relate is that his best buddy at KTLA, long-time friend, was former DJ Johnny Grant (he is the 'Mayor of Hollywood' and still, in his mid-eighties, I think, presides over all the Hollywood Walk of Fame star ceremonies), who used to do public service documentaries for the channel once in a while. By special request, he did one, actually quite daring at the time, about impotency, and the general knowledge was that Autry had requested the subject personally and you don't have to be a genius to figure that one out." Lisa goes on to make some saucy speculations -- sheer speculations, mind you -- which include a lascivious reference to the song "Back In the Saddle Again," which we believe was a Tex Ritter song anyway, but who cares, because this is a "blog"!

James Whorton, Jr.'s C-Spandemonium!

It's time once again for what polls are calling the public's all-time favorite feature, "James Whorton, Jr.'s C-Spandemonium!" This just in from Jim: "Nora [Whorton's young daughter] and I were watching James Baker III on C-Span tonight and playing Candyland. I won the first two games and for the third, she stacked the cards so that all the doubles were on top. Then she made a rule that we could not talk about what we were thinking. So whenever we drew a double we had to say, 'Another double!' Sorry no news from James Baker III." We at the "blog" have not played Candyland in a very long while, so we are not exactly sure what Whorton is getting at with this talk of "doubles" and so on. But we put it out there for you Candyland fans. Finally, we ask Whorton not to apologize. Our C-Span 2 is back and better than ever, which should remove some of the Atlas-grade weight from his shoulders.

On the Other Hand

On the other hand, it has occurred to me that the "internet" is infinite. Isn't it? It sure seems like it. And if that is the case, I think it is okay to "blog," because you're not really wasting space. You're not even making a dent!

For the Last Time

I have finished reading PHANTASMAGORIA. Who cares? No one! But this is what I get for "blogging" about books. I feel the compulsion to "wrap things up." I began to differ with the author, Ms. Warner, on a few points as the book went along... but what good is a book with which you agree 100% of the time, am I right, folks? What good is a book that doesn't occasionally prod and poke you? I do feel compelled to mention that a proofreader or someone had let enough typos slide for the lapse to become noticeable. Just small things, a letter or word dropped here or there, a singular that was meant to be a plural, little things. This happens sometimes! Maybe my next book will come out and be packed to the gills with typos! It is no great tragedy! And it can be fixed for the paperback. (Except in the case of my book, which for some bizarre reason which was explained to me, and yet which I cannot recall, is coming out as a hardcover and a paperback at the same time.) Nor does it take away from Ms. Warner's stunning collection and organization and interpretation of mountains of fascinating data! See? This is why no one should "blog" about books. People work hard and then other people come along and "blog." And of course there are no rules, no proofreading, no fact checking in "blogs." If you mess something up, it's quaint and delightful! You're a "blogger"! Aren't you cute? I sicken myself, truly. PHANTASMAGORIA was a fun book to read, not to mention an immense achievement. This time I mean it! No more "blogging" about books! It just brings down undeserved sorrow on everyone's head.

McNeil's Movie Korner: Special Poetry Edition

Welcome once again to McNeil's Movie Korner. Today McNeil takes a break from Bob Denver films to turn his jaundiced eye to the world of poetry. It will be necessary for you to read the Richard Eberhart poem "The Groundhog" before continuing. Thank you. And now, we turn things over to Jeff McNeil: "so what's the point?...is that what I hear ol' dicky eberhart saying?...He's not the guy who invented the pencil is he (or maybe the eraser)?... maybe that was his brother. Anyway, there seems to be something ironic about the fact that he lived to be 101, too, though I'm too busy folding laundry to figure it out. I bet Dicky didn't have to fold his own laundry, that's how come he got to sit on his a***e all day writing fancy pants poesy, not to mention taking long walks through the countryside looking up dead groundhogs." The opinions, capitalization lapses, and punctuation techniques of Mr. McNeil do not reflect the philosophy and/or practices of the "blog," or those of its parent company "Blog" Industries.

The Groundhog

Hello. I took my normal route today, for the first time since the ghastly sight. But I avoided the particular area in question. Anyway, it got me thinking about a certain poem, "The Groundhog" by Richard Eberhart, for which I will provide a "link" here. I found the poem on the "internet" in a few spots, but this is the one that seemed to contain no typos.

Andy Garcia

Hey, y'all. I was just idly flipping around the television channels when I happened upon a film starring Mr. Andy Garcia. As this film was being aired on a "broadcast" station, the swear words that it had contained upon its theatrical release had been replaced by freshly dubbed terms of a milder tincture. What I'm getting at is, I heard Andy Garcia call someone an "ant hole." I got some enjoyment out of that, and I hope you will, too.

Standup Jeff

In my recent "posting" on the subject of fried pork skins outside the ICU, I noted that a comedian might be able to get some material out of that fulsome situation. Jeff McNeil has obliged us with a potential "gag" of just such a variety, to wit: "I guess putting a vending machine with fried pork skins outside the ICU is good for business...plain and simple...kind of like a tire place putting nails in its parking lot...c'mon!!! Is that the kind of joke you were talking about?" Indeed it was, kind sir. Indeed it was.

Today's Weather: Yak Cheese

Welcome to a special Mt. Everest edition of that perennial favorite among our many continuing features, "Today's Weather." Kent has climbed back down the mountain, and he reports thunder, lightning, and a cold drizzle. Also, his friend Dylan ate some yak cheese that didn't agree with him. Meanwhile, in America, I had to dig out the old flannel pants again. I was getting worried that the flannel pants hadn't seen enough action this year. But here comes a cold snap. Flannel pants to the rescue!

Fried

I was at the hospital again today... none of your beeswax why! ... and I couldn't help but notice that right outside the doors leading to the ICU there was a vending machine selling "Bar-B-Q flavored" fried pork skins! If I were a standup comedian I could really make hay with that. Anyway, it also reminded me that back in high school I had a teacher who claimed to have invented the particular kind of vending machine I saw today: the one that dispenses its goodies via a spiraling metal gizmo. Do you know what I mean? I hope you do. Anyway, you would know one if you saw one.

Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner: Boars Galore

Welcome once again to Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner, our popular look at today's television trends, written by frequent guest-"blogger" Dr. "M." Here is a message we received via semaphore flags from Dr. "M." this very day: "I noticed that you blogged about boars--did that come from the recent boar roast on Lost? What an episode that was! Did I ever tell you my theory about Lost--that at the end Jack is going to wake up as his old character Charlie from Party of Five? Sort of like Newhart!"

Announcement

There will be no picture of Lizabeth Scott this week. That will teach you to take Lizabeth Scott for granted!

What's In the Paper Today?

Good morning, and welcome to "What's In the Paper Today?" our exciting new feature in which we see what's in the paper today. What's in the paper today is a review of a new biography of Gene Autry. This causes us to renew our call for our beloved ex-boss Lisa to send us some stories from the time when she was Mr. Autry's personal assistant. Come on, Lisa! Do it for the "blog"! (As a special treat, the accompanying illustration to this "post" is a painting by "Blog" Buddy Jon Langford. See his work at the Yard Dog Gallery in Austin, Texas! And send in your clippings for "What's In the Paper Today?" to "What's In the Paper Today?" c/o the Pendarvis Building, United States of America.)

The Ginger Ale Story

So I was having dinner at my sister's apartment and her boyfriend had a glass of ginger ale. And the bubbles from the ginger ale were leaping to extraordinary heights. I mean, these bubbles were leaping way up! I mean, these bubbles were high leapers. So high that we encouraged him to take video of the high leaping bubbles with his telephone, which is something people can do nowadays. High bubbles! Extraordinary. What extraordinary times we live in. Maybe we'll get it on to the "YouTube."

The Rumors Are Flying

Well, I see that Jamie Allen has "posted" an item about me recognizing (or not recognizing) him in a coffee shop. First of all, I hope this is not an example of the kind of "tabloid blogging" that Mr. Allen plans to pursue in the future. Secondly, I was not in my usual coffee shop that day. The pollen count was high, I had risen quite late, and I did not feel like taking my longer walk to Aurora (no offense to the fine people who work at the other, closer coffee shop, but I only came to them out of pure laziness). In any case, I was sluggish and disoriented. But I did indeed recognize Mr. Allen. The interesting part of Mr. Allen's tale is that he was on the telephone during the entire incident, as any careful reader of his "item" will notice. When one is speaking on a telephone in public, one is not emitting an inviting aura that says, "Communicate with me!" One is, rather, constructing an invisible "privacy wall" which discourages friendly communication from the outside world. I hope this sets the record straight! See? This is why people hate "blogs."

Another Walk

I just went on another walk. How about that? Two walks in a day! Eat your heart out, Kent! Anyway, this walk was with a fellow who explained to me that "blogs" were for people with hubris, and he was having none of that! He also used the word "puffery," as I recollect. And I was like, "Oops!"

May Is National Rewrite Your Novel Month

Hi! This is a holiday I just made up: Rewrite Your Novel Month. Come on, everybody, let's rewrite our novels in May. I really think this could catch on. Maybe you think your novel is fine the way it is. But it could probably stand another rewrite, let's face it! Together, we can make Rewrite Your Novel Month a rousing success.

No Good

You know the little walk I like to take nearly every day? The one where I saw all the robins that time? Well, today I saw a headless white rat. I know! I don't mean to "bum you out"! That's not what the "blog" is all about. But it had a big impact on me! So I'm just "telling it like it is." Well, that was a terrible walk.

The Trouble With Books

You know when you're reading a book and that book makes you want to go out and buy another book? Like, right now I'm reading PHANTASMAGORIA and I have become too intrigued by its references to THE PRIVATE MEMOIRS AND CONFESSIONS OF A JUSTIFIED SINNER by James Hogg. This Hogg sounds like a "wild dude" with whom it would be fun to "hang out" and "party down." Does anyone know if he has a "blog"? I bet he "posts" some wild stuff on his "blog"! If I were him, I would call it "James Blogg"! Priceless!

"Blogging"

As you know, Yeats was speaking of "blogging" when he said, "something something something and the worst are filled with passionate intensity." I can't remember the whole thing. You'll have to look it up on his "blog." Anyway, thanks to Jamie Allen I have been taught how to provide a list of "links" to "blogs," as you can see for yourself. So I have included everyone who has been nice to the "blog" and who has a "blog," I think. I am probably forgetting some people. I will add them as I think of them. And others, such as Tom Bissell, Jim Whorton, Dr. "M." and Jeff McNeil, do not have "blogs" at all! What is wrong with them? I am pretty sure that Phil Oppenheim has a "blog," but I don't know the address. In conclusion, I would like to explain what a "blog" is. It is when you are rich enough to have a computer, and you have developed, at some point in your life, rudimentary typing skills. And also, as Fox News and CNN repeatedly explain, "blogs" are the most important thing in the world. I am sure that if Spartacus were alive today, he would be a "blogger." Or wait. He would have been too poor to own a computer. Well, that's something to think about, isn't it? Also, "blogs" come in handy if you have a product you are trying to sell, but you don't want to come off too pushy. Hope this clears everything up!

Mysterious Lincoln, Nebraska

The Pendarvis Building has been the recipient of a number of "hang-up" calls today, all seeming to originate in Lincoln, Nebraska, if the chart at the beginning of our telephone book is accurate. Now we only know Lincoln, Nebraska from the chilling and creepy Bruce Springsteen song "Nebraska." So needless to say, we are nervous! What do you want from us, Lincoln, Nebraska? Is it something to do with the National Museum of Roller Skating, which, as I have learned from the "internet," is located in your environs? Theresa was quite the roller skater in her day! Perhaps some sort of induction into a roller skating hall of fame? We are keeping our fingers crossed! I hope I will not be required to skate at the induction ceremony, as I am incapable of that feat.

Phyllis Diller Notification

Speaking of cigarette holders, a call came in from Barry B., alerting us that Phyllis Diller was on THE VIEW today. We have no idea why such an awesomely cool person as Barry B. was watching THE VIEW, but we are glad he was! We tuned in immediately, and caught the middle of Ms. Diller's appearance. Unfortunately, a call for "work" came in at the same time, so we missed most of Ms. Diller's witticisms. The volume was turned up sufficiently, however, to confirm that she got plenty of laughs.

Cigarette Holder Intrusion

Jeff McNeil writes in to say that in the first scene of DIVORCE, ITALIAN STYLE, the actor Marcello Mastroianni uses a cigarette holder. Okay. I'm going to let this slide because McNeil is a good person, and also because we actually have a copy of DIVORCE, ITALIAN STYLE floating around the Pendarvis Building. We've watched it within the past year, we are sure, though apparently before December 12, 2006, when we started rigorously cataloguing such things... to our everlasting detriment. But I cannot emphasize this enough: PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME WHEN YOU SEE A CIGARETTE HOLDER. My compulsive nature will require me to list it on the "blog," yet it is clearly outside the realm of what we do here for the people of the world.

Close One

I thought I saw a spider on the hand soap dispenser, but it was just an illustration of an aloe vera plant. Wow! That was a close one.

Vagary

Remember back when I could get all worked up about fata morgana or Woody Woodbury and "blog" on the subject all day? I just don't have it in me anymore. I blame the high pollen count. Although I do still find it hilarious that some fellow who calls himself "Lord Rex Fear" is a Woody Woodbury fan. So that's a bright spot in my declining years.

More Boar

For more about boars, or to see where I got the illustration of a boar I used in that earlier "post," I beg you to read about The Queen's College Boar. Be sure to take note of the part where the fellow uses a volume of Aristotle to kill a boar! That could come in handy. But I believe I just gave away the best part of the story.

Spectre of the Brocken Update

I believe that I have inadequately defined the Spectre of the Brocken! I hate it when that happens! I should have said that it is a giant SHADOW, not just a giant. I believe it is one's own shadow, spread across the low hanging fog on the mountaintop. There, that should clear things up! (See this "web" site "link," to which I should have paid more attention than a quick skimming. Gosh, before today I never dreamt there were so many "web" sites about optical phenomena. But I'm glad there are!)

Phosphorescent Creatures

"Coleridge sought out the Brocken spectre of the Harz mountains, but failed to observe it, and had to be content with the sight of a phosphorescent boar." If you love sentences like that as much as I do, hurry and buy yourself a copy of PHANTASMAGORIA by Marina Warner. That phosphorescent boar puts me in mind of the phosphorescent owls in my new book of short stories... owls I borrowed from the work of Charles Fort, whose description of said owls provides my epigraph. I am pleased to note that Mr. Fort rates an entry in Ms. Warner's index. Okay, I won't keep you in suspense, the Brocken spectre was a giant with a halo, and here's a brief scientific explanation of what it really was.

Fata Morgana Fan Club

Fans of a certain optic phenomenon will want to check out FATA MORGANA, a film by "blog" "fave" Werner Herzog. One of the mirages captured on film by Herzog, according to the book I'm reading right now, is a line of people waiting on a bus. In the Sahara Desert! But they're not really there! That's why they're a Fata Morgana! Crazy! Those Fata Morganas are crazy, I tell you! I'm going to give you the name of the book: PHANTASMAGORIA: SPIRIT VISIONS, METAPHORS, AND MEDIA INTO THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY, by Marina Warner. Seems like I should be fair and name it, despite my vow, as I'm drawing on it as a resource for the "blog."

McNeil's Movie Korner: Special TV Edition

With apologies to Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner, we feel obliged to let Jeff McNeil expand his Movie Korner, just this once, into the field of television. Mr. McNeil submits what he considers to be the most egregious example of padding in the history of televised programming: this clip ("click" here) of APPLE'S WAY, which consists of, as McNeil puts it, "almost two minutes of people mingling." (Pictured, Ronny Cox as he appeared in DELIVERANCE, as opposed to APPLE'S WAY, in which he also starred.)

No Foolin'!

Hey, and I didn't even think about it but what a crazy coincidence that I "blogged" about Fata Morgana on April Fool's Day! Because those Fata Morganas will really "fool" you, brother!

Fata Morgana

Hi! I'm reading a really good book right now but I can't tell you what it is because of my special vow. I mean, I could tell you, but then I'd feel bad about the other good books I've read and kept mum about. Why should the book I'm reading now get special treatment? I can say this much: There's a chapter on the phenomenon known as Fata Morgana. I guess I had heard the phrase before but never really thought about what it meant. You should look it up! Then you'll want to see a Fata Morgana, too. You're awesome, Fata Morgana!

The Restoration

We have discovered by accident that we do indeed have C-Span 2 on the "cable," despite the dire prophecies of our live "internet" chum, who informed us to the contrary. For those living in the vicinity of the Pendarvis Building, you will be pleased to know that the channel has simply moved on down the dial, from 31 to 104. That's a long way to go for such a little channel! But well within character for the plucky spirit of C-Span 2 and its enigmatic progenitor, Mr. Brian Lamb.

We Have Company

Not only are we not the first to "blog" about Woody Woodbury this month (this fellow was trying to "sample" him into a "dance groove" or some such thing [!])... we are not even the first to mention his film FOR THOSE WHO THINK YOUNG this month. Woody Woodbury! We just found out about you today and now you have a place in our hearts forever.

Doing You Wrong

I fear I am doing you wrong by citing only one paragraph of the Woody Woodbury interview. I can't emphasize enough that it is chock full of sparkling gems from beginning to end. I suspect you will find your own "fave" moments, such as when Mr. Woodbury gets "riled up" at the TV show 60 Minutes. Secondly, the new photo of Lizabeth Scott has only been up for a scant few hours, and I have already buried it under an avalanche of Woody Woodbury references. I'm slipping, people. Slipping!

Specific Citation

If you'd like to understand exactly why we feel such a warm kinship with the prose stylings of Woody Woodbury, I would direct your attention, as a perfect example, to the paragraph in the interview beginning "In my case, I sort of 'caught on' in St. Paul" and ending "Talk about plush! This place had it all!"

The Elements of Style

The "blog" can't help but notice Woody Woodbury's stylish deployments of exclamation points and quotation marks in the aforementioned interview. Though we only today became aware of him, we must acknowledge him forthwith as a progenitor of the "blog."

Woody Woodbury

For more information on Woody Woodbury, please see the interview to which you will be taken by "clicking" on this "link." Thank you for stopping by the "blog" for all your Woody Woodbury needs.

McNeil's Movie Korner: The Glorious Return

Reports of its demise having been greatly exaggerated, we find ourselves graced with another installment of McNeil's Movie Korner. Today Mr. McNeil would like to call our attention to FOR THOSE WHO THINK YOUNG, the film from which that beloved YouTube clip was culled. Mr. McNeil points out that the cast boasts the daughters of both Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. We would add, with Mr. McNeil's indulgence, that it also contains not one but TWO Gilligan's Island castaways as well as highbrow cinema darling Ellen Burstyn... and perhaps most intriguingly, Woody Woodbury as Uncle Woody. We are not familiar with Mr. Woodbury or his work, though we notice he was a policeman in the Jerry Lewis film HARDLY WORKING during the same year he appeared as "himself" on HEE HAW. Who else can say that? Not many, wagers the "blog"!

Shoes

I'm tired of tying my shoes. I want some of those shoes you don't have to tie.

Aquaman Donut Bonanza

You know we like our donuts. And we like our favorite Aquaman "blog." So you know we're going to like it when our favorite Aquaman "blog" endorses a Seattle donut shop.

This Week's Picture of Lizabeth Scott

I see that once again it is time to "post" a new picture of Lizabeth Scott. Here you go.

Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner: Wiry!

Good morning and welcome to Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner, formerly known as Agent "M.'s" TV Korner. Who was spotted last night indulging in her favorite chicken salad but the elusive Dr. "M."? And yet bright and early this morning she had already gathered herself and submitted a fascinating tidbit to the "blog," all about the best show ever on television, a little something-something we like to call THE WIRE. Here, then, we present a "link" upon which you may "click," courtesy of the eagle-eyed Dr. "M."

Today's Weather: Hot & Cold

Welcome to another edition of "Today's Weather," our popular weather-related feature. Jeff McNeil and I were just marveling over the fact that though we live only four hours apart, it is hot where I am and cold where he is. Weather!

Jim Whorton on the Moon

Another bulletin just in from Jim Whorton: "Don't you imagine that the US has a secret base on the moon?" he asks. "It has to be true!" he then recklessly asserts. "Think about it! We went there in 1969, when engineers were still using slide rules! It is inconceivable that people have not gone back. There could be a military or scientific base up there and who would know? There are some ducks flying around outside my window."

Gang of Four Query

Jim Whorton writes the "blog": "The 'parablendeum' business reminds me of a line in a Gang of Four song which sounds like 'Or a paracitimo.' What is a paracitimo?" We would be more inclined to take his question seriously if he had not already "burned" us - perhaps intentionally! - by getting us all worked up over parablendeum. But, giving Mr. Whorton the benefit of the doubt, we put it out there for all to consider. If only there were some way that people could comment directly on a "blog"! But alas, from my understanding, there is not. However, we do believe that our old "Blog" Buddies Jon Langford and Sally Timms actually know, in a personal way, the Gang of Four. So perhaps we can go directly to the source.

Important Parablendeum Bulletin

So yesterday I ran across my copy of THE STORIES OF JOHN CHEEVER and decided to read the one that Jim Whorton had been raving about. Afterward, I agreed with Whorton's assessment, yet differed with him on the subject of parablendeum. Whereas Whorton described it as (I'm paraphrasing) "something bread sacks were made of," it seemed to me from the story that it would be a bad idea to wrap bread in parablendeum. The narrator has a surreal dream in which bread is wrapped in parablendeum but upon wakening he seems to consider it a load of nonsense. So of course I got up this morning and did the "google" on it. Here I found a "link" explaining that John Cheever made up the word parablendeum, and indeed the entire parablendeum industry! This seems to be supported by the fact that there are only eight "google" matches for parablendeum, each dealing with the Cheever story. Well, Mr. Cheever, you sure had us going, you old rascal. Parablendeum!

James Whorton, Jr.'s C-Spandemonium!

Welcome back to an all-new installment of James Whorton, Jr.'s C-Spandemonium! Whorton, who has been watching C-Span 2 for me ever since my "cable" company took it away and laughed in my face, files this report: "I am trying to watch Dana Perino on C-Span 2 but the cats are fighting on the couch next to me." Anyway, thanks for trying, Jim!

Correction

Looking back at Kent's email, he says that he is "11,000 feet above sea level," NOT "11,000 feet up the mountain." That's a big difference! At second glance, I suppose he was only indicating his arrival in Nepal. We at the "blog" regret the mistake. The intern who reads my emails to me as I recline in a hot bath of goat's milk and rose petals has been "let go."

Polls Closed

The results are in on our recent poll. According to 100% of the 1 people who responded, I am right and Jeff McNeil is wrong. To be fair, it must be noted that the respondent, "Blog" Buddy Barry B., while claiming to agree with me, is much closer, in his actual day-to-day telephone answering practices, to my nemesis in this matter, Jeff McNeil. Barry B. tends to answer the phone with a firm, not to say gruff, almost challenging declarative: "Hello." Anyway, it's moot, because I win.

Friendliness At 11,000 Feet

Hey, everybody, I just got an email from Kent, who seems to be close to two-thirds of the way up to base camp at Mt. Everest. Hooray for Kent! And of course, hooray for the "internet," which is everywhere and can do anything! Hooray! Speaking of which, Jeff McNeil has been doing an equally impressive kind of exploring... exploring the "internet," that is! He has moved on from the EBay, and turns his weary face toward the YouTube. Here is the gem he has discovered, the fruit of his labors, starring "blog" "fave" Bob Denver.

Canada Dry

Hey, what if I were from Canada? Then I might have entitled that previous "post" "Hello Poll, Eh?" And that would have been a palindrome! "Hello Poll, Eh?" Get it? Because Canadians say "eh?" all the time, or so goes my understanding of their culture. Wow. I wish I had been born in Canada so that could have happened. The "dry" in my current title refers to the wit involved with palindromes and such. Palindromes!

The Hello Poll

Hey, Jeff McNeil was on my case today, man. He says I answer the phone like this: "Hello?" What I ought to do, McNeil claims, is answer the phone like this: "Hello!" I contend that answering a phone is like hearing someone come in the front door while you're upstairs. You say, "Hello?" You want to know who's there, if anyone. Friend or foe? You're not committing. Likewise, "Hello?" is a searching, intellectual way to answer the phone. The fact that we do not have "caller ID" may play into this. McNeil prefers the forceful, jocular greeting: "Hello!" In fact, he demands it. Demands it! We need the "blog" readers to decide who's right. I know I am right. And no amount of "blog"-gathered evidence will convince McNeil he is wrong. Like so much in life, this "post" is futile. Yet here it is.

Access Forbidden

I hear from various "blog" fans that one cannot see the photo purporting to be Dr. "M." I recently "posted." In fact, when one "clicks" on the spot where Dr. "M.'s" photo should be, it is said, one sees this notice: ACCESS FORBIDDEN. Strange, because we can see it clear as day here in the Pendarvis Building. This sounds like the work of the diabolical Dr. "M." herself. We can only hope that the "blog" has not offended! We did not mean to "pull a Robert Novak" on her, as the kids call it these days.

"Blog" Proves Itself Force For Good in an Amoral Universe

We are ecstatic to report that johntedge.com is back on its feet and running smoothly again. We were horrified recently when it seemed as if all our "web" pictures of Mr. Edge had been replaced by strange stock photos of traffic at night. The original pictures are now happily displayed once more, as you can confirm for yourself by "clicking" on the appropriate "links." We can only assume that it was the "blog's" determined focus on the issue that has resulted in this blessed outcome. I do feel bad for blaming the interns and indeed firing most of them without notice or explanation, but my ungovernable pride prevents me from hiring them back.

Introducing Dr. "M."

An anonymous troublemaker has slipped the accompanying photo over the Pendarvis Building transom, along with a note comprised of letters clipped out of various magazines. This cowardly person, who doesn't even have the guts to sign his name, claims that the woman on the right is in fact our undercover operative Agent "M." According to the "tipster," Agent "M." is shown here turning in her dissertation. We have been able to ascertain a few facts. It is true that Agent "M." turned in her final, approved dissertation today, and that she has officially earned the much more sinister sounding name "Dr. 'M.'," by which she will be referred to henceforth. We were also able to confirm that the woman on the left is Queen Watson, who works, we believe, for Emory University. We do take great exception to this feeble attempt to compromise the identity of our agent in the field, but we wanted to "put it out there" before the tabloids get hold of the story and blow it out of proportion. Also, we wish to congratulate Dr. "M." on her impressive achievement. If reports are correct, she plans to spend most of her time now watching DANCING WITH THE STARS on abc.com. We salute her in this new endeavor, and hope that she will file many, many reports on the subject.

The Subject That Won't Go Away

I am queasy about reporting this next bit. Though it is tied to one of Theresa's main scholarly interests, it's a little too dark for the "blog." But oh well! The always alert Agent "M." has stumbled upon The Lizzie Borden Gift Shop. She asks us to take particular note of the "Silver Tone Pierced Earrings with Dangling Hatchets." And we do! We do take particular note! Goodness help us, we do.

Lunch

Today while I was having a glass of fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice and some other luncheon items at Belly, some people sat down next to me (everyone sits rather communally at a long table on a long bench there) and began making out and rocking back and forth. A German man at the end of the table shouted to me "SPOILS YOUR LUNCH!" I wish I had a font big enough to express how loudly this German fellow shouted at me. Then he yelled, "NAAAAAH! COME ON!" but I don't think I got his meaning exactly. The couple continued to smooch and rock. Not much of a story, but I feel bad if I don't "blog" a little every day.

PW

The folks at Publishers Weekly decided to give me a good review for a change! They are tough birds to please. But apparently, in YOUR BODY IS CHANGING, my upcoming collection, I "hit the heart as often as the funny bone"! (Exclamation point mine.)

Pictures of John T. Edge Replaced With Time-Lapse Photography of Traffic: Heads Roll at "Blog"

Wow! It has been so long since we have talked about donuts that, looking back in the archives, we find that our "posted" photos of John T. Edge and his definitive work on the subject have been mysteriously replaced by time-lapse photography of a busy interstate. And johntedge.com seems to have dropped off the "internet." Well, perhaps one day those pictures will be restored and the world will make sense to me again. In the meantime I will try "posting" a new, more reliable photo of Mr. Edge, as well as a new "link" to his book about donuts. This is what happens when we lose sight of our true purpose! I blame the interns.

The Whorton Report on Canadian Donut Holes

How long ago we have been sidetracked from the one purpose of this "blog": to foster a productive discussion of donuts and donut-related treats. Leave it to novelist James Whorton, Jr., who first brought the fry cakes of upstate New York to our attention, to get us back on track, with the following report on his family's recent trip to Canada: "We bought some lucky bamboo and a light fixture, and I ate some Canadian nachos. Not so good, but I also had some donut holes at Tim Horton’s, which if you don’t know it is a Canadian fast food chain. They call them 'Timbits' instead of donut holes, which bothers me a little—this impulse to rename things after oneself that already have names of their own! But the 'Old Fashioned Plain Timbits' were delicious." Thanks for the tip, Jim! Did you happen to notice that "Tim Horton" rhymes with "Jim Whorton"? Felicitous!

My Greatest Influence

I was watching BARTON FINK on the "cable" last night and I realized that Chet, the character played by Steve Buscemi, is my greatest influence as a writer. There's a scene in which he has left Mr. Fink some thumbtacks as a remedy for peeling wallpaper. Chet has written on the package, "HOPE THESE DO THE TRICK -- CHET!" Although I came into the film late, I believe I recall from earlier viewings that he always signs his name with that exclamation point. Chet!

Look What "Computers" Can Do!

Hey, here I am on my recent trip to Hollywood, with the lovely Kimb Osborne whom (who?) you may recall from a previous "post." I love the "internet" and its many advantages!

"Blog"trospective Update

The "blog"trospective of Phil Oppenheim has now been updated to include his knowledge of penny-farthings. Just keeping you "posted"!

Derby II

Speaking of derbies and their influence on my work, I suppose it is a coincidence that my forthcoming novel, titled AWESOME, was initially inspired by the sight of yet another young person wearing a derby in the Little Five Points area, where Savage Pizza is located. In fact, an excerpt from the novel (which will appear in the next issue of AMERICAN SHORT FICTION) is called "My Derby." Over the past two years, I have seen three persons wearing derbies in Little Five Points, and a fourth person pedaling around on one of those old-timey bicycles with the big huge wheel in front and the tiny wheel in back. I thought they were called velocipedes, but Phil Oppenheim informed me that they are more properly referred to as penny-farthings.

Young Man in a Derby

Oh, this may be of no interest: As I was eating my submarine sandwich yesterday, there was, seated across the aisle from me, a young white male, a teenager I believe, sporting a walking stick and derby. Two young female friends of his were seated on the other side of his booth. Also, the young man was wearing makeup of the kind that I believe is called "clownwhite." His lips seemed to be painted with lipstick. His eyeliner was heavy. I do not believe that A CLOCKWORK ORANGE was his primary inspiration, though that was my first thought. He had, for example, no fake eyelashes. I overheard one snippet of conversation, from one of the young man's friends to him: "Grandma says you look like a black cat, which is weird, because your face is white." Now this is the kind of thing I might try to work into a short story, if I weren't so busy with my "blogging."

Now Is the Winter of Our Discontent Made Glorious Summer

I walked into Savage Pizza yesterday, ready to once again face the crushing disappointment of the discontinued submarine sandwich that I erstwhile held so very dear. It was with a heavy heart, dear reader, that I ordered the "Hot Portobello Sub," which had assumed, profanely, the place on the "specials" menu where my beloved marinated chicken used to be. Reader, I ate that sub. And by gosh if it wasn't the best sub I have ever eaten. I had another one today. In a way I feel as if I am a turncoat. In another way, who cares? The only problem is the way I quake in constant terror, wondering when they will strike my new "fave" off the menu. Sweet torture!

Golly!

I see that I've let the "blog" go about an hour and a half without a picture of Lizabeth Scott on it. It won't happen again. If everything is working correctly, you should see a new one accompanying this "post." Let me know if you have any Lizabeth-Scott-related problems!

A Famous Mountain

Hey, Kent's leaving today to climb to base camp at Mt. Everest. "JUST base camp?" you sneer. Well, what if I told you that "base camp" is 18,000 ft. in the air? I guess you'd feel sorry for sneering then! Goodbye, Kent! Come back soon! Be careful on the mountain! Look out for yetis!

Jack's Tips For Webern Lovers

You know how sometimes you'll be listening to Webern on your "iPod" and all of a sudden you'll think, "Hey! Is anything playing?" You know? And then you have to check your "iPod" to make sure it's working? That's because Webern can be so darn quiet sometimes! And if you're walking down a sidewalk with roaring traffic nearby, forget it! But DON'T turn your "iPod" all the way up, because sometimes Webern likes to throw in a couple of loud notes just to keep you on your toes. You might bust your eardrums, and then you couldn't listen to your "iPod" at all! And besides, what if Webern does stay quiet the whole time, and then the next piece on your "iPod" is "Love Me" by that 50s singer known only as "The Phantom"? Have you heard that soul-chilling yelp he gives at the beginning of that song? He really wants someone to love him! In a scary way! It'll wreck your nerves even at a regular volume. So watch out! That's my tip. Watch out! (Pictured, the comic-strip and move-serial character The Phantom, who, as far as I know, has absolutely nothing to do with the 1950s singer of the same name.)

Stockpiling Seen As Balm for Chicken Salad Anxiety

Just when things seemed bleakest for chicken salad lovers, here's Agent "M." to the rescue with a handy tip about your future chicken-salad-buying practices: "I suggest that you purchase a TUB of said salad next time and hoard it in your fridge." Roger wilco, Agent "M."!

Nation Breathes Sigh of Relief as Fork Loosened

Theresa freed Forky! When asked how, the terse beauty replied, "Hard work," refusing to elaborate. Once again we are called upon to ask ourselves about the nature of love. Forky and I celebrated by having some coleslaw.

Purdy

Hey, I just remembered the other book I bought at Skylight Books in Silver Lake. It was MOE'S VILLA by James Purdy. Say, here's a "tidbit" for you music "buffs"! James Purdy happens to be a favorite author of at least one member of the rocking band Hubcap City. How's that for "dish"? Pretty good, that's how it is for "dish"!

Breaking News: People Enjoy Chicken Salad

Not since our whimsical speculations upon the subject of Mr. Peter Bogdanovich has there been such a passionate response to the "blog." We are referring, of course, to Agent "M.'s" chicken salad report. Early today, a Vice President at Cartoon Network called the Pendarvis Building hotline expressly to say that she, too, found the Brickstore Pub to have Atlanta's best chicken salad, if not the world's. Later, Theresa brought home lunch... from Shields Meat Market. But not chicken salad! They were sold out of chicken salad! We can only assume that the shortage was due to the popularity of the "blog," coupled with Agent "M.'s" stirring rhetoric. We congratulate ourselves!

"Blog" Celebrates 500th "Post"

It is with great pride that we recognize "What's Next For Forky?" as our "blog's" 500th "post." It seems like only 100 "posts" ago that we were celebrating our 400th "post." Why, we've discussed everything from super-apes to spider plants... though not, curiously, spider monkeys (pictured), which are a genetic hybrid, as we understand it, of super-apes and spider plants. We honestly couldn't have reached 500 "posts" without the tireless labor of our many correspondents, who trustingly send in emails that I then "cut-and-paste" for the entertainment of the world, grabbing all the credit and glory for myself. But these are the true heroes of the "blog," the men and women without whose willingness to do all the work we would not be celebrating our 500th "post" today. There's Jon Host and his legendary burger problem... Pia Z. Ehrhardt, with a tenderer burger reminiscence... Jim Whorton, known to children everywhere as the "C-Span Man"... and who can forget the windswept Amanda Stern? Yes, whether it's Agent "M." eating breakfast in Hawaii, Tom Bissell playing video games in Rome, Jeff McNeil "surfing" the "internet" for "Orgy at Madame Dracula's," or Tom Franklin simply sitting in the dark somewhere, having secret thoughts about Plastic Man, one thing is for sure... I have abused their kindness miserably. Oh, I have stolen from so many! Far too many to list here. Because I tire easily. But if someone wants to send me a list, I shall gladly "cut-and-paste" it.

What's Next For Forky?

Well, we're going to try smearing her with something oleaginous, and if that doesn't work I may gently tap the end of her with a hammer until she emerges safely from the dish drainer. Thanks for caring!

June

Everything is shaping up for some kind of crazy book tour in June. That's when my second story collection is coming out! I know it's early... but I also know that people who read books tend to be hermits and angry recluses and need about three months to work themselves up to a mental state in which they can leave the apartment. So here's an early heads up! A Cappella Books, right here in my own neighborhood, on June 2! Rock Point Books in Chattanooga on June 8! In the middle of June, there's the Happy Ending Reading Series, as I've mentioned before, and a New York City store appearance as well (details later). On the 22nd, I'll be at Skylight Books, in the Silver Lake area of Los Angeles. This is a bookstore I fell in love with on my recent visit to Hollywood! I bought several things there, including VERNACULAR DRAWINGS by the Canadian cartoonist known only as "Seth." They also sell books by the FC2 publishing company! I bought an FC2 book by Michael Martone. Also, A NIGHT AT THE MOVIES by Robert Coover, and LADY INTO FOX, a novel from the 1920s (I think) in which a lady turns into a fox! That will give you an idea of what a great bookstore Skylight Books is. And I know I'm forgetting some of the other stuff I picked up. At the end of June, Pia Z. Ehrhardt and I embark on a tour of Mississippi, going to three of the best independent bookstores in the nation... Lemuria in Jackson, Turnrow in Greenwood, and Square Books in Oxford. We're going to drive around like Thelma and Louise, except without any of the bad stuff, I hope, and also I'm a man. (Illustrating this "post," one of the "vernacular drawings" I picked up at Skylight.)

The Four Button

Hey, want to know something funny about the four button on our phone? Sometimes when you hit the four button, you get two or three fours instead of one! So if you are trying to dial "404," for example (which must be dialed before almost any number in Atlanta, where the Pendarvis Building is located), you may end up dialing 440444. This happens about 60% of the time. On rare occasions, the four thinks it is the pound key, too! Rarer still, the four functions as the redial button, unbidden. Oh, four! You rascal!

Agent "M.'s" TV Korner: "Ain't Going Out Like That" and Other Words of Inspiration

Wow! Agent "M." has been busier than ever... by which we mean she has been doing laundry and reading TV Guide. It was in the midst of these twin activities that she took a notion to favor us with another edition of Agent "M.'s" TV Korner... her second in just two or three days, unless our memory is faulty, and a new personal best for Agent "M."! So what was it that got her dander up? We will allow her to speak for herself, to wit: "Did you know that [TV Guide] is now a magazine-like periodical?" Agent "M." asks. "Anyway," she continues, "on one page it said that Rob Thomas said he was writing the season finale [of VERONICA MARS] as a season finale, NOT a series finale, and that if the CW tried to send them packing, they would put up a fight. You go, Rob Thomas! But on the next page, TV Guide made some quip about it being the end of the road for ol' Veronica. So who knows. But I did want Veronica lovers out there to know that they ain't going out like that." Strong words, Agent "M." Strong words.

Forky

My favorite fork, whose name is Forky, has become caught in the dish drainer - hopelessly, perhaps! Forky is jammed in there at an odd angle indeed, though she (SHE? I just found out, by writing this, that Forky is a she!) does not appear to be bent or otherwise damaged. No one could bend Forky! Not even Uri Geller! Forky is strong. The "blog" may shut down for awhile as we try to save Forky. (Okay, for the kids, this "link" will explain my no-longer-topical reference to Uri Geller [pictured].)

Urgent Jeff

Several urgent communiques from Jeff McNeil today. He seems to believe that he has applied for a grant from the "blog." We may have lost his paperwork. In any case, McNeil is off to buy a lottery ticket now, so everything should be fine.

You Know

You know, we should mention that despite Agent "M.'s" modest protestations to the contrary, she has always provided the "blog" with more than just her television expertise. Need we mention the time she had breakfast in Hawaii? Or her appreciation of ham and eggs (pictured)?

L.'s Birthday Asthma Treat

You remember our corporate spy known only as "L," don't you? Well, today is her birthday! She came into the office to face a big crisis perpetuated by her feckless co-workers. Anyway, "L" tells us she's going to the asthma doctor today. "L" says that believe it or not, it's more fun than being in the office! Happy birthday, "L"! Have fun at the asthma doctor!

As Promised

Agent "M." doesn't mess around! Just hours after her original vow, we have her report--a report that she claims with believable urgency was seven years in the making, and which we proudly present forthwith, I quote (and you know I am quoting accurately, because I retain her non-use of quotation marks around the word "blogger"): "With permission from the blogger, I have decided to expand my observational repertoire and offer thoughts on local food as well as television. My first commentary will concern the Best Chicken Salad in Atlanta. The bronze medal goes to Shield's Meat Market in Emory Village. I love this place--locally owned butcher shop and deli where you can get a sandwich, chips and pickle for about $6. They make their chicken salad from scratch each day. It's what I consider a perfect consistency--more pasty than creamy, with lots of chunks of chicken and bits of celery. The silver medal goes to Belly at the corner of No. Highland and St. Charles Ave. While their chicken salad is on the pricey side, it is worth the splurge. It too avoids the common problem facing so many chicken salads these days--too much mayo--opting instead for more chicken, less sauce. I believe they also put secret ingredients into it--perhaps sun dried tomatoes? Don't take my word for it --check it out for yourselves. Finally, the gold medal goes to...the Brickstore Pub. Their chicken salad comes as a scoop atop their delicious side salad (one of the best green salads in Atlanta with parmesan and yellow raisins and delicious tomatoes), and it is a delicious blend of chicken, mayo...and here's the secret touch...yogurt! While this may sound odd to connoisseurs of traditional chicken salad, trust me--you've never had chicken salad this good. Bon appetit, y'all!"

The Three Best Places To Get Chicken Salad In Atlanta

I have no idea where they are! But Agent "M." has tantalized us with promises of a revelation. Coming soon!

Where the Grapes of Wrath are Stored

More on the continuing saga of Jeff McNeil's missing manuscript. He called the Maryland Grape Growers Association today with two questions. First, had they ever gotten his manuscript? Answer: "Let's see... McNeil... McNeil... [rustling sounds, possibly for effect only]... Nope." Second, is it true that the Maryland Grape Growers Association publishes fine literary novels? Answer: Yes. McNeil's only observation: They sounded tired.

Joke

Kent says that in that earlier "post" when I mention "the gray lady" I should add, "Not to be confused with the lady grey!" Longtime "blog" readers will appreciate the humor of the statement. Others will be sullen and out of sorts.

Kent Osborne Can't Look Himself In the Face

Kent Osborne reports that the picture of him which accompanies the previous "post" will not "load" on his "computer." Lucky for Kent, though, all he has to do to see himself is look in the mirror! But I hope some of the rest of you will let me know if you are having similar problems seeing Kent's picture. You do not want to miss out on seeing Kent, trust me!

Sunday New York Times Hearts "Blog" Buddies!

Well, like Tom Bissell and Amanda Stern before him, Kent Osborne has been kissed by the gossamer lips of the gray lady, as my fancy metaphor I just now came up with would have it. A movie he is in (and co-wrote), HANNAH TAKES THE STAIRS, gets a nice mention in today's paper! First the magazine (Amanda), then the book review (Tom), and now the Arts & Leisure section. The "Blog" Buddies are doing it for themselves (as I believe I've mentioned before)! (Pictured, some of the cast of HANNAH TAKES THE STAIRS. That's Kent on the right!)

Victory!

Hey, we did "the google" on our phrase "C-Spandemonium" and for the first time ever, there were no matches! We have invented something, finally, a very useful word, we feel. And for some reason, the "spell check" already recognizes it. In like Flynn, baby! ("Spell check" does not recognize "Flynn.")

Agent "M.'s" TV Korner: Shimmy

Welcome back to Agent "M.'s" TV Korner, our special feature where Agent "M." watches television and tells us about it later. Here are Agent "M.'s" latest ruminations. We have again taken the liberty of censoring anything that might be considered a "spoiler," without, we hope, sacrificing Agent "M.'s" natural exuberance and verve. With no further ado, then, we turn things over to Agent "M.," who reports: "I have been having trouble figuring out how Kate, et al got over that ******** ****** on LOST. Were the poles not ************* ********? If not, then why couldn't they stick the ******** on the pole? Or does **** not conduct electricity? I need to read up on my physics. Regardless of science, I just want to say that I would be royally *****ed if I had to shimmy up a pole. It really is time for me to start exercising because you never know when you are gonna need to get yourself over an ********* ****** and you never know when James Bond is going to chase you around a construction site (see opening sequence of CASINO ROYALE). On a final note, there was a disappointing reference to VERONICA MARS in this week's EW (the same one you picked up in the gift shop), saying that it may be doomed esp. now that the Pussycat Dolls reality show is doing so well in its timeslot. Veronica is no doll, and no one puts Baby in a corner. All best, M" End transmission. (Pictured, Kate sees a magical horsie on the island of Lost.)