The Scrapbook of a Detective

Remember I told you how they give out free books in the coffee shop at the library? There's a new batch, and I picked up a few today... no, COURAGE IS A THREE LETTER WORD was not among them. BUT! There were some other self-help books, such as DEVOTIONS FOR JOGGERS. I left that one alone. Likewise, SINBAD'S GUIDE TO LIFE, which is not about the legendary Sinbad who battled giant birds and such (or so I recall) - though his guide to life would be helpful, especially when facing problems with giant birds! - but the standup comedian Sinbad (pictured). The first few sentences of Sinbad's book (I'm paraphrasing) were something like "I know what you are thinking. What could I possibly teach you about life?" And I was like, "Good point, Sinbad." And I put the book back on the shelf. BUT! There was a book called THE SCRAPBOOK OF A DETECTIVE, VOLUME I, by B.E. Doughty, which I found significant as I had just left my hardboiled fiction class. I am not familiar with the Carlton Press of New York, New York, but THE SCRAPBOOK OF A DETECTIVE, VOLUME I has all the earmarks of a vanity press book, including the "about the author" section, which emphasizes Mr. Doughty's church and AARP memberships and tells us "he has recorded these memoirs at the request of his family and friends... they have been related in after-dinner speeches and other talks to church groups, high school groups, Kiwanis, Rotary, and other organizations." Some of the chapter titles are exciting! "I Become a Secret Agent" - "The Big Fire" - "Bruises, Bites, and Scratches" - "A Foolhardy Stunt" - "I Become a Hobo" - "An Attempt to Wreck a Train!" (exclamation point Mr. Doughty's) - "A Hayseed Clue" (to name just a few). But here's how one chapter starts, to give you some flavor: "On a hot summer day I received a wire message that someone had stolen about fifty new cresoled crossties valued at $3.08 each." The book is inscribed! Mr. Doughty has written, "I appreciate you as a writer and fine guy and I value your friendship." But he did not preface his remark with the person's name! It is inscribed... but to no one! So that's a mystery!

Things Any Person Would Want to Know

While I was looking around on the "internet" to see if I could find exactly what Jerry Lewis said in his blurb for COURAGE IS A THREE LETTER WORD [It's not. - ed.], I ran across this Italian bibliography (?) of books about Jerry Lewis! And from it, I learned things that any sane person would want to know, such as the fact that pages 150-161 of COURAGE IS A THREE LETTER WORD are ABOUT Jerry! And that Jerry WROTE a self-help book called BEING A PERSON - a book with "no numbered pages" (!), and also that the movie tie-in paperback of DON'T RAISE THE BRIDGE, LOWER THE RIVER has a bright pink cover! So many things to learn from you, "internet."

Best Title Ever

Turns out Brian Z. remembered the name of that book all along: COURAGE IS A THREE LETTER WORD.

Blurb Tipster

An intriguing tip from Brian Z.: "Saw some old self-help hardcover today w/ jacket blurbs by: Norman Mailer, Carl Sagan, and... Jerry Lewis. What a trio!" Indeed. Might this be my new Bible? I am willing to go ahead and say yes. So now all that remains is to identify this mysterious volume! As you know, I am among the world's best googlers, but my first pass has come up empty.

A Fresh Rupture

Who should I run into in the library today but my smart ex-student? And we happened to notice a little booklet wedged between heftier volumes in the medical section, and we dislodged it and had a nice time leafing through it. It is called PRIMITIVE PHYSIC. It's a reprint of the edition published in 1755, and it seems you can cure anything with cold water, an onion, or the judicious application of electricity. Notes the preface, the 1755 edition was the first to mention electricity. For example, to cure deafness, "Be electrified thro' the ear." Toothache? "Be electrified through the tooth." ("Through" - not "thro'" - that time for some reason.) Not until I got it home did I realize it was written by John Wesley, the founder of Methodism, isn't that what he did? Even the diseases sound elegant: "Costiveness" - "Noise in the Ears" - "The King's Evil" - "Convulsions in the Bowels of Children" - "A Tickling Cough" - "Clouds flying before the Eyes" - "The Green Sickness" - "The Whites" - "A Chronical Head-ach" - "For one seemingly kill'd with Lightning" - "The Inward Piles" - "The Quinsy" - "A Fresh Rupture" (which will be the title of my next novel) - "A Windy Rupture" (the sequel, decided my smart ex-student) - "Pearl in the Eye" - "An old stubborn pain in the Back" - you get it! I love that the first step for curing "A Raging Fit" is to "Beat Onions into a pulp." Here's a measurement you get a lot (when they're telling you how much butter or cream of tartar to apply, for example): "the bigness of a Nutmeg." That could be a classy title for a classy novel, too, the kind of classy novel classy people love to read: THE BIGNESS OF A NUTMEG. If I wrote a novel called THE BIGNESS OF A NUTMEG, everyone would love me. Maybe it can be my follow-up to the moving and controversial A FRESH RUPTURE. Well, I haven't even told you any of the good stuff yet. Like, for "The Apoplexy" (from which I often suffer) "Rub the head, feet, and hands strongly, and let two strong men carry the patient upright, backwards and forwards about the room." Raisins come into it a lot, too, reminding me of those hucksters McNeil found on the "internet," curing arthritis - wasn't it? - with gin and raisins. Oh, we're just getting started. Thanks, John Wesley!

Giant Ant Movie

Did you know that Stella Stevens is in a giant ant movie from 2005? She obviously wants to work, people! Nothing against giant ant movies, I have seen at least one I really love, but let's give the great Stella Stevens something other than giant ant movies to do with her valuable time. The dvr is rolling. More on this breaking story as it develops.

Story on "Internet"

Remember how my friend Michael wrote a story? Well now you can read it on the "internet." I knew you were good for something, "internet"!

Oh No, Gigot!

Holy moley! I just watched the end of GIGOT on youtube. And while I am still not convinced it is a sad clown movie, I will say that Gigot gets to indulge in the most maudlin of all excesses, the stuff of a sad clown's dreams! That's right (spoiler alert!), he gets to be present as a witness at his own funeral. He hides in some shrubbery and wipes his big, sticky tears for himself with a leaf. Oh, Gigot!

Oh, Gigot

Mr. Ward and I were just debating whether or not GIGOT could be considered a sad clown movie. Oh, come on! You remember GIGOT! Jackie Gleason is Gigot, a French guy who can't talk. "He clowns for the children, doesn't he?" asked Mr. Ward. "And he's beaten by the adults." The character is in the sad clown tradition, then, I would say - especially the LA STRADA sad clown tradition - except that he never quite makes the jump to being an actual clown, though by necessity he expresses himself exclusively through the art of mime! But by profession, Gigot is a maintenance man. Still, I am certain there must be a scene in which he has big sad eyes and hands a mean person a flower. I should admit I've never seen it, and only ever heard of it through Mr. Ward's agonized retellings over the years. Just to be clear, though, a sad clown movie can't MERELY star a comedian who is acting sad. It must be ABOUT a professional entertainer who makes people laugh yet all the while his heart is breaking. Or, you know, he's tormented in some other secret fashion. Got it? Speaking of Jackie Gleason, I watched the entire movie SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT on one of these here movie channels last night, and I don't suppose I have seen it since it came out in 1977, and here is a line from SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT which I certainly didn't expect: "Do you know who I think revolutionized American musical theater? Stephen Sondheim." That's a line from SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT.

Where are the Sad Clowns?

Many are concerned about where the sad clowns of tomorrow are coming from. The legitimate stage, that's where! For example, here is a line from a Broadway show, quoted in today's New York Times: "You think the old clown doesn’t have deep feelings, huh?" Fears of a sad clown shortage are greatly overstated! You just have to know where to look.

You Can't Spell "Blow-Out" Without "Owl"

BLOW-OUT has a really good owl in it, by the way, and the owl comes along at a key moment - that's right: the "blow-out"! That owl is like, "What the...?" The owl is like, "That was no ordinary blow-out!" But he expresses it through his acting. Owls bring a touch of class to every project. Thinking of making your own movie? Why not class it up with an owl?

Freaking Out With John Lithgow

Dr. Theresa and I caught the end of TWILIGHT ZONE: THE MOVIE the other day. By the way, that's what you want to do. Or ideally, you want to catch the VERY BEGINNING with Dan Aykroyd and Albert Brooks, go do some laundry or some other chores for a couple of hours and come back and see the end, which is just John Lithgow freaking out nonstop for like twenty minutes. So we remembered how good John Lithgow is at freaking out. And that reminded me that over on her "blog" with Megan Abbott, Sara Gran is running a Brian De Palma film club. Next up: RAISING CAIN. So Dr. Theresa and I watched RAISING CAIN but we can't talk about it yet because Megan hasn't watched it (again) for film club purposes. Suffice it to say John Lithgow freaks out a lot. RAISING CAIN gave us a great line to say around the house, which we have been doing quite often, I fear: "I know what you're going to do! It's a bad thing and I'm going to tell." You have to say it in a weird voice that doesn't quite match your face. I had another John Lithgow/Brian De Palma movie on the dvr from TCM: OBSESSION, so Dr. Theresa and I watched that too and now we are way ahead on the Brian De Palma film club, though over here it is really turning into a John Lithgow film club. We are thinking about watching BLOW-OUT today, yes, what is wrong with us? We just really like it when John Lithgow freaks out. He is also good at being unnervingly calm and we appreciate that too, don't get us wrong. That's his other thing. I think that's his main thing in BLOW-OUT, in fact. If he is not freaking out in a movie, he is standing there being unnervingly calm like he might be about to freak out. But mostly he straight-up freaks out and that's what people pay their money for, to watch John Lithgow freak out, and John Lithgow gives the people what they want.

Literary Matters

Ugh! Literary matters! Everybody hates them because they are so horrible. That's why we are always so reluctant to put forward our reviled regular feature "Literary Matters." But this one literary matter is okay: "Blog" Buddy Mark Childress is coming to town! Everybody is coming to town! Literary matters are everywhere! They threaten to destroy us. There are so many of them! Soon the very earth will be swallowed by literary matters. The magazines alone are overwhelming and deadly! Suddenly I have so many magazines. My friend Michael J. Bible who works at Square Books and co-edits Kitty Snacks magazine (another magazine!) is in TWO of them! He is in the new Oxford American (with Barry Hannah on the cover) AND the fiction issue of the ESPN magazine. He won a contest! Also in that issue are Wells Tower, Dave Eggers, and John Brandon, to name a stellar few. I wouldn't be surprised if Wright Thompson was in there somewhere. I haven't looked yet. Literature! I hate you so much! Can't you leave us alone, literature? Can't you let us read our ESPN magazine in peace? (Actually, Wright, who is a "sportswriter" by trade, is a very literary writer, in a good way, so the ESPN magazine has always been full of literature when you think about it... just not the fictional variety so much.) Then I got my copy of the Knee-Jerk magazine, which is usually an online thing but now they have done an offline thing which is made of paper and I have a short story in it. It features some material I reworked like crazy from my famous and unlamented lost novel SHUT UP, UGLY, which is apparently never going to come out, but if it does, I will finally get to have one of those "appeared in a significantly different form in..." notices on my copyright page. Something to look forward to! Lots of good fiction writers in the issue, plus me, ha ha! Yeah, but you got your Kim Chinquee, Michael Czyzniejewski (Hey! Both of them once had stories in the magazine Quick Fiction, issue #7, the "Love and Marriage" issue, which also contains a story by McNeil!), Dan Kennedy, Roy Kesey, Joe Meno, an interview with Harold Ramis, and it even has something by that guy who wrote that crazy manifesto that I couldn't handle that time. So check out Knee-Jerk magazine, won't you? You can see why I have been in a "blogging" torpor for the past few days, right? So many literary matters crushing the life out of me. And so many preparations to make! So many literary events! Ace Atkins! Tom Franklin! Lee Durkee! Wright Thompson! and others (including me) will be on hand to read passages from our friend and neighbor Dean Faulkner Wells's new memoir at the Lyric Theater on March 19. She is Faulkner's niece and William Faulkner raised her but there is so much more to it than that! Find out for yourself! She will be there, too, of course, so come by and say hello and get your copy signed! (Speaking of Ace Atkins, I am not saying he is addicted to ebay, but he just bought a photograph of Burt Reynolds pulling a gun on Flipper, who was a famous dolphin at the time, trust me, kids.) Then, on the 23rd, at Off Square Books, Mark Childress strides triumphantly into Oxford with his spanking new novel GEORGIA BOTTOMS! Ha ha! I said "spanking" and "bottoms." I'm bringing my whole graduate class to see him and everyone else in the world will be there too, naturally, so why not you? Mark is always loads of fun! He entertains as well as informs! He's not one of those blah blah blah monotone readers that make literary matters so excruciating for all of us. Come see what I mean! Then - just one day later - it's the book conference! I've told you about my panel with Michael Kupperman, Joe Matt, and (more recently added) SPECIAL EXITS author Joyce Farmer... but what if I told you that Kent Osborne is coming to town for the book conference just because he loves learning? Maybe you'll see him! But who else will be on "panels"? Let me limit myself to people we have mentioned on the "blog" before, because my typing finger is getting tired: Kevin Brockmeier (who also has a piece in the new OA... oh, and Elizabeth does too!), Natasha Trethewey, Beth Ann Fennelly (also in OA!), Wright Thompson (again! Maybe he is to blame for all these literary matters), and lots of wonderful writers like Mark Richard and Karen Russell (both recently extremely well reviewed in the New York Times) I have never gotten around to mentioning on the "blog" for some reason, and we will be celebrating the birthday of Tennessee Williams at the book conference, so maybe I will put on a soiled undershirt and scream a lot, and I am forgetting so many people, and so many other literary matters to which I meant to call your attention just so you can suffer like I do, but this is it for me, I'm stopping now, I will never "blog" again, no one will ever "blog" again, I have used up all the "blogging," it is over now, everything is over now, there is no more "internet," go home.

Shoe Factory Show No Longer About Shoe Factory

I am sorry to report that the shoe factory show has not been about a shoe factory for the past four weeks. Not even a brief peek at the shoe factory. Now it is only about people crying all the time in every scene. So much crying! You probably don't believe me because I can't find any pictures on the "internet" of people crying on the show. Lauren Graham isn't crying in this shot, but she doesn't look too happy either, does she? And trust me, she will probably be crying in a minute, and so will everybody else on the show. Mostly they cry for regular reasons, like how everything is crashing down around them. But one thing is for sure: they are always crying about something. Occasionally, very occasionally, they will cry because they are happy, like when Lauren Graham suddenly discovers she is a playwright and she didn't even know she had it in her! She wrote a whole, absolutely perfect first act of a play without even realizing it was a play! Then somebody told her and she started to cry. I can understand that! I love it when I write something perfect without even knowing what it is, or better yet, when a bestselling novel dictates itself to me in a dream. It makes me feel emotional. Finally, let me say - because I sound so sarcastic all the time - that now that I have been watching full episodes rather than just catching bits and pieces I actually enjoy the shoe factory show, which in reality is called PARENTHOOD, but I think they should rename it SEXY CRYING PARENTS because as the shoe factory plot has fallen by the wayside (and truly I don't miss it because it started being about the wacky new shoe factory owner who confounds all the oldsters with his hip and youthful ways) and the crying has markedly increased, the parental characters, both male and female, have begun to wear noticeably sexier clothing. They just wear sexy clothes and cry and cry! I'm not sure what's up with that.

Don't Forget

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A Precious Blue-Green Jewel

My friend Chico just emailed me this picture of Lou Costello, Elvis, and Jane Russell, the latter of whom has recently passed away. By coincidence, there is a drawing of Ms. Russell in the new issue of THE BELIEVER, the film issue, which came out today. It's a very Robert Mitchum film issue, and what's wrong with that? Nothing, that's what! Ms. Russell is in there because there are drawings throughout the magazine of people who starred in films with Robert Mitchum. There is also a nice little article about Robert Mitchum's keen mannerisms. My favorite of the drawings is Lillian Gish aiming her shotgun at (an unseen) Robert Mitchum in NIGHT OF THE HUNTER. Robert Mitchum does not appear in the drawings - just people who acted WITH him, which is a pretty interesting idea, I think. I once saw Jane Russell and Robert Mitchum ALIVE AND FOR REAL on THE SAME DAY, back when I was working for TBS. I was too scared to talk to either of them. Robert Mitchum was smoking a cigarette with his oxygen tank next to him, but that's not why I was scared. I was nervous to approach his shining aura of awesomeness! Jane Russell was far away, but she was wearing a ring featuring a precious blue-green jewel so large I could see it clearly from a great distance. Later Dr. Theresa (not yet a doctor!) was upset that I hadn't said hello to Robert Mitchum, her favorite favorite actor of all time. "What would I have said?" I asked. When I put the same question to Barry B., he answered, "I would have said, 'Robert Mitchum, you are a bad ******* ******!'" And should I mention that Robert Mitchum, despite his apparent frailty, attempted to become "friendly" in a most surprising manner with Caroline's innocent sister at a luncheon later that day? (I guess I should mention that in those days Mr. Ward and I sometimes worked with Lou Costello's granddaughter out in Los Angeles, because that's what I do, I mention things. Oh yeah, and we were just reading about Lou Costello in my "Dean Martin class" because Lou was the first guy to try to make Dino a big Hollywood star, but Dean just went around running up a huge bill buying really nice clothes on Lou Costello's dime and not trying very hard to be a big star, and finally Lou was like, "This guy's not worth the trouble!" [I'm paraphrasing.] Observe how Lou Costello is biting Elvis's lapel as if to say, "I hate expensive clothing!" Plus - and this may also help explain Lou Costello's aggression here - Dean Martin was one of Elvis's primary influences as a vocalist, as we also learned from our text, which - to give proper credit - is, of course, DINO: LIVING HIGH IN THE DIRTY BUSINESS OF DREAMS by Nick Tosches. See? See how I like to mention things? Oh! Like I just remembered when we were out there in Hollywood, there was a crew member who had collected every Abbott and Costello movie on VHS, and I borrowed one from him in which Abbott and Costello play Revolutionary War era ghosts, because Dr. Theresa - a mere undergrad at the time! - was working on a paper about early American history as depicted on film... and now it is occurring to me that I can't recall EVER RETURNING THAT VHS! And I'm pretty sure Dr. Theresa NEVER EVEN WATCHED IT. I wonder if I might rectify this situation!) Jason Polan illustrated my column in the new BELIEVER and did his usual incredible job. In fact, it really floored me! I never know what passage he's going to pick from my little essays (or whatever they are) as the basis for his illustrations. He really surprised me this time! I won't spoil it for you.

Guess

Guess who I just had dinner with. That's right! The guy who wrote the movie ARIZONA DREAM. How did you guess? You're a good guesser! He told me some good Jerry Lewis stories but I shan't repeat them because he was a nice guy and not the type to assume that his dinner buddy would go "blog" everything on the "internet."

Oscar Recap

Wow! I don't know. I hate to tell you how completely I crushed my sister in our annual Oscar-guessing contest. I'm not going to tell you! It's too horrible. If you missed the Oscars, don't worry, because just three things happened and I will tell you what they were. 1) There was this bushy-haired kid who came out and got an award. I was like, "This kid's gonna be a star, I tell ya!" I say that a lot. But keep your eye on that kid. Lots of natural charm and personality. I think he was the most comfortable person onstage last night! Dare I invoke the zany poise of Jerry Lewis? Yes, I just typed the phrase "zany poise" which made me a little sick inside, but don't blame that kid for my bumbling phraseology! I haven't seen his short film, but look, he has an accordion. His name is Luke Matheny, apparently. You heard it here first! 2) At one point were a couple of people singing a song about something and then it cut to an old man with a cryptic half-smile on his face standing awkwardly near the back of the stage for no reason and then suddenly there was a commercial, or did I imagine that? 3) Mr. Saturday Night himself, Billy Crystal, did a "bit" with the ghost of Bob Hope. I am not kidding! The ghost of Bob Hope came out and said, "Thanks, Billy." I don't know. It was creepy. All I could think of was the Bob Hope mind-control rumors that are all over the "internet." Go back and listen to how many times Billy Crystal said "Bob Hope." It was like something out of THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE. And that is everything that happened on the Oscars.

Your Jerry Lewis Report

Jerry references in the New York Times: just wanted to tell you there are three today, in three different articles. Maybe this is some kind of record.

The Snub Pollard Connection

Had a little sad clown double feature didn't I? THE COMIC followed by LIMELIGHT. THE COMIC had some good parts. Mickey Rooney underplayed (!) his later scenes as an old man. He and Dick Van Dyke had some good moments as two creaky survivors. If you want to see what McNeil and I will be like in a few years, watch the last half of THE COMIC. And recent object of "blog"templation Calvin Coolidge had a lengthy cameo via newsreel footage. I guess I should also mention the scene in which Dick Van Dyke's character explains how much people love him in France. Plus THE COMIC had one of those late-sixties endings where you go, "Huh?" Like, "Was that the ending?" Like, "What just happened?" Like, "That's it?" I love those. And a couple of the gags actually made me laugh. And then somehow I was in the perfect mood for LIMELIGHT and I watched it again and it was good. I was primed to sit back and say, "Self-indulgent? Who cares? Who deserves to be self-indulgent more than Chaplin?" Not a bad way to spend a Saturday afternoon if you're me, but you're not me, so what can I tell you? There was a Snub Pollard reference in THE COMIC and then Snub Pollard was IN the movie LIMELIGHT. I am going to show you a picture of Snub Pollard so you can rest easy tonight. Don't know where he fell on the sad clown/happy clown spectrum. I'll check wikipedia for you. It's reliable sometimes!

Clowns Don't Come Any Sadder

Boy, I'm really in the mood for sad clowns today! I'm less than ten minutes into THE COMIC and there has already been a pie in the face (as predicted, though it doesn't happen to Dick Van Dyke), a car rolling off a cliff and exploding in flames, atonal music, Mickey Rooney playing a character based on Ben Turpin, and crazy clown shoes with snapping teeth! Plus Dick Van Dyke narrates from his coffin! Clowns don't come any sadder than that, I tell you! When that car exploded in a fiery ball of flame I just had to pause the movie and come in here and share with you. Sorry I can't stay longer, but these sad clowns aren't going to watch themselves! (PS Dick Van Dyke's clown costume from THE COMIC is being auctioned off on the "internet"! There is really nothing that the "internet" won't give you if you ask.)

Movie News

Look! Here is Manohla Dargis talking up Jerry Lewis (as usual! Thank goodness!) in the New York Times again, incidentally throwing in a mention of LIMELIGHT, one of the sad clown movies we've been contemplating here at the "blog" lately. I hate to keep bragging about how the "blog" is constantly two steps ahead of the New York Times on the increasingly important sad clown front, but I can't help it, those are the facts! In other movie news, I was frightened when McNeil forwarded me an email with the title "TCM Reminder: Nobody Lives Forever." It turns out that TCM was reminding him that the John Garfield movie NOBODY LIVES FOREVER is coming on soon, and not just reminding him that nobody lives forever, which would have been a little presumptuous maybe, and I can't help thinking about the fact that poor John Garfield died young, which is sad.

Bar Gossip

I was sitting at City Grocery Bar waiting for Ace Atkins (and Dr. Theresa, who had nobly decided to "grade papers" BEFORE "having a drink"), listening to three people at the table next to mine debating the relative qualities of gold vs. platinum. Then they talked about their friend who is so rich she displayed dinosaur bones at her wedding reception!

McNeil, Briefly

Welcome once again to "McNeil, Briefly." McNeil says all the clouds in Charlotte look like guys on horseback for some reason. McNeil starts coughing every time he laughs these days. "I think it means I've been implanted with an alien life form," he theorizes.

"Busted!"

So I was telling my class of "grad students" about the time I talked to Jerry Lewis on the phone. Wait! There was a good reason to mention that in class: we are studying Dean Martin. Wait! There is a good reason for that too, so shut up. I told them that this was back in the days when PULP FICTION had just come out, and I was working at TBS, and I was all, "This Tarantino kid's gonna make a name for himself, I tell ya!" and I decided it would be great to have a day of Jerry Lewis movies on TBS with Quentin Tarantino and Jerry Lewis hosting them together, because my wouldn't the sparks fly and so on. And one of my students was like, "They got together recently." And I was like, "WHAT? No they didn't!" I was like, "I bet they were all, 'Hey, remember the time Jack tried to get us together? He was right all along! Why didn't we listen? Why don't we ever listen to Jack?'" So then my student - his name is Bill and his wife is my friend who works for the Audubon Society! - sent me a "link" on facebook all about Quentin Tarantino presenting Jerry Lewis with this special bust of Jerry at the Friars' Club (above), and now I want to break into the Friars' Club and steal this bust of Jerry Lewis with the help of a team of unlikely misfits, each possessing a unique and unexpected talent necessary to pull off one last heist before retiring. I typed as much into the facebook, and my student replied that the heist should count as our final exam. GREAT IDEA! Of course I would never steal anything, especially from the Friars' Club, where so many scenes in MR. SATURDAY NIGHT were shot. But that heist would make a great movie, for which I just wrote the screenplay in between typing this "post," and I call it BUSTED! (You know, I was once invited to the Friars' Club by a guy who was Carrot Top's publicist - I think that was his position in the Carrot Top organization - and he also represented that guy who made noises with his mouth for a living [not Charlie Callas, the other one]. But the main thing was that this guy was writing the AUTHORIZED BIOGRAPHY of Harry Ritz, which I fully realize means NOTHING to you, so shut up. Well, I never got to go, so there was no "casing the joint.") Scott Phillips was monitoring this discussion via facebook and decided that once "we" steal the bust (yes, he has invited himself along, and I happily accept the notion!) we turn it into one of those busts with a secret button inside, like Batman used to enjoy, and Scott even provided instructions on how to build one. Finally, it looks like Jerry's good friend Richard Belzer was at the big unveiling, too, so my "two degrees of Belzer" might really pay off when it comes time to pull the job, which of course I'm never going to do, it's all in my wonderful imagination, ha ha ha, in no way am I a crazy person. Thank you for your time and attention and a very pleasant evening to you all.

Turtleneck Correction

False alarm on the turtleneck, folks! It was, Kent reports, merely "a sweater with a high collar." But you probably already knew that because your eyes aren't old and weak and filled with misty tears like mine.

The Back of Kent's Head II: The Return of the Back of Kent's Head

Kent says I was right! That WAS the back of Kent's head! In this picture, you can get an even better look at the back of Kent's head. And is that a turtleneck? In my opinion it looks like Kent is doing his job and "staying in character" even with the back of his head!

Oatmeal Tips

Welcome once again to "Oatmeal Tips," the famous "blog" feature that takes an in-depth look at oatmeal, and more particularly the various tips you can get about it. As you recall, I was worried about what was going to become of Mark Bittman. My concerns were unfounded, because here he is engaged in man's noblest pursuit: producing "online content" about oatmeal!

News Items

1) Yesterday, Elizabeth saw a pig running down her street. 2) Dr. Theresa hurried in from the other room because she thought I was choking. I was singing.

Sorry, Shirtless Frasier!

Kelly Hogan says yesterday was Kelsey Grammer's birthday and she doesn't see why everybody has to bother him and take pictures of him with his shirt off trying to have a little fun on the beach with his special lady friend (I'm paraphrasing) and you know what? She has a point.

Stats!

How's this for a stat? OVER 700 people are looking at this "blog" RIGHT NOW because they searched for the term "Calvin Coolidge loved having his head rubbed with Vaseline while he ate breakfast in bed" or one almost exactly like it. That, of course, is a quotation from one of Mr. Ward's prized collection of presidential trivia books, which he is never without, though his book of prime time network TV shows was stolen from his car. The question remains: why did 700 people suddenly search for the term "Calvin Coolidge loved having his head rubbed with Vaseline while he ate breakfast in bed" at the same time? I'm going to guess that someone mentioned the fact - if it is a fact! and honestly, who cares? - on NPR. Don't you think? This has NPR written all over it. Ho ho! Look, here he is lifting his hat as if to say, "Quick! Somebody rub Vaseline on my head!"

French Jerry Basketball Joke

Remember my great student who is so great because he is the one who told me about Jerry Lewis buying a hearing aid for his dog? He also knows how much I hate that stupid cliché about the French loving Jerry. And just look what he has uncovered: "Feel obligated to tell you that the announcer just made a joke about the French loving Jerry Lewis during the NBA all-star game. 'We just got word that the French newspaper covering the game has already submitted their ballot and their pick for MVP is...Jerry Lewis.' The NBA all-star game."

Looping!

This is the time when I tell you about my late-night drifting through the movie channels and what I see there. This time I saw "Blog" Buddy Kent Osborne! Yes, I happened to flip to SCHOOL TIES mere SECONDS before Kent says a line ("Stabbed him in the back!") indicating that he thinks Brendan Fraser has stabbed Matt Damon in the back, figuratively speaking. Soon thereafter there is a big tribunal of which Kent is part. Something dramatic and devastating happens! And then... wait, do you know what "looping" is? It's when you go in and add some audio to a movie scene that has already been shot. So in this case, after the tribunal files out, having handed down a harsh and possibly tragic judgment, the director wanted all the fellas back in the booth so they could add the sounds of talking amongst themselves as they ominously leave the room, having done their cruel duty. And Kent decided to say, "Let's get a cheeseburger!" Hilarious! But the director didn't appreciate the irony and didn't use Kent's line in the film. All you hear in the finished product is some very serious and understated muttering. Well, anyway, I think that story is accurate but Kent told it to me a long time ago and I am probably getting it wrong as usual. (I'm not sure, but that might be the back of Kent's head.)

Streaming Jerry Clown Head

Hey, speaking of clowns, did I ever tell you that John Currence gave me a clown head for Christmas? And they say I'm hard to buy for! Here it sits in my office at home. And here is what I do in my office: No, not work! But that was a good guess. I watch Jerry Lewis in WHO'S MINDING THE STORE? on what I believe is called "streaming video" (below). Yes, to answer your question, I'm very proud that I've learned how to deposit photographs I take onto the "internet."

Frasier, Briefly

Welcome once again to "Frasier, Briefly," the "blog's" regular feature anent all things Frasier. As longtime followers of "Frasier, Briefly" will no doubt recall, "Frasier, Briefly" often concerns the fact that Frasier is always finding reasons to remove his shirt. Well, it turns out that even though his show is off the air, Frasier star Kelsey Grammer continues to disrobe. I chanced upon several recent "internet" photos of a shirtless Kelsey Grammer cavorting with his new bride-to-be. I shan't burden you with them, as they are perhaps best left to examination by an expert, which is why I dispatched them posthaste in an urgent email to Kelly Hogan, who has not been heard from since.

Skipper Hat

Mr. Ward has come through with my request that he provide more details about his meeting with Alan Hale, Jr.! Writes Mr. Ward: "He not only put up with my request that he call me 'little buddy' and hit me with his Skipper Hat, but he laughed and acted like it wasn't the 5 billionth time some bonehead had asked him to do that. He also laughed at my smart alecky questions about what it was like working with the killer hand in the movie 'The Crawling Hand.' When the shoot was done a crowd had gathered and he happily signed every autograph and took every picture and hit everyone with his Skipper Hat who requested he do so. His wife told me he just really enjoyed being The Skipper and everything that went along with it and had no bitter feelings whatsoever. Bob Denver, though... sad clown." (That's right! Mr. Ward met Bob Denver, too.)

King of the Sad Clowns

I should mention that the sad clown illustrating the prior "post" is Barry B. "fave" Lon Chaney, in a publicity still for HE WHO GETS SLAPPED. I watched that movie with Barry B. and I want to say - spoiler alert! - the clown feeds somebody to a lion. I can't be making that up, can I? I am almost positive that's what happens! So he is pushed over the edge and goes from being a "sad clown" to a "scary clown," as so often happens. But let me make one thing clear: I am not interested in "scary clowns," so don't talk to me about them. The phrase "I'm scared of clowns" is, perhaps, as tired of a cliché as "the French love Jerry Lewis." Speaking of Jerry Lewis, if we throw FUNNY BONES and THE STOOGE in there, both of which have been discussed on the "blog" before, Jerry appears in over 25% of all known sad clown movies, assuming the statistics continue to hold. But certainly I am forgetting some! Have I left out your favorite sad clown? Send a postcard with the details to "Sad Clown" c/o "Writer" Oxford, MS 38655. Until things change, though, I am declaring Jerry "King of the Sad Clowns."

Sad Clowns Are the New Hip Thing

Looks like I really lucked into something, getting in on the ground floor of the sad clown bonanza. Sad clowns are everywhere, man! If I were to give you investment advice, I'd say, "Put all your money in sad clowns!" As you know, I was way ahead on this trend. I'm almost getting tired of scooping our nation's paper of record so much. I feel bad for them! They're playing catch-up in today's New York Times, where the noted actor Geoffrey Rush says, "The thrilling thing was that we found the more intense the clowning, the more intense the comedy, the more intense the experience of pain and alienation." Yeah, that's what sad clowns always say. Mostly I want the sad clowns to shut up and do their little dance while I throw coins at their feet. Sad clowns!

Mr. Ward's Sad Clown/Happy Clown: A Study In Contrasts

A missive from Mr. Ward! He writes: "Your blog on sad clowns got me thinking about one of the weirdest sad clown movies I ever saw - 'WC Fields and Me.' It starred Rod Steiger, of course, because when you think comedy you think Rod Steiger. Anyhow, I only remembered two things about the movie. One – WC Fields became nauseated whenever he got anywhere near Charlie Chaplin. Two – Rod Steiger as WC Fields looks exactly like Alan Hale Jr. (The Skipper from Gilligan’s Island) - whom I actually met once and who was in fact a very happy clown with no inner angst whatsoever." Thanks, Mr. Ward! If this still I found is any indication, the people who made the movie had just as much fun as you did watching it! PS Please send more details of your meeting with the Skipper. ASAP!

The Bieber Clarification

Are you a writer who enjoys pleasant experiences? Then you should try to get a gig at Hendrix College in Conway, Arkansas. I gave a little talk there last night and they treated me like a king! They put me up in a luxurious apartment for starters. The previous guest? Lydia Davis! A person named Maria told me she had never seen a jacket as nice as mine except on B.B. King, which is probably the greatest compliment ever. After I did my little show in a beautiful auditorium, some of the students took me to a pizza place that had run out of pizza. So that was funny. We had salads and it was a good time. At one point, the booth behind ours was occupied by a large number of young rowdies who had become boisterous due to the imbibing of intoxicating liqueurs, unless I miss my guess. One of them was trying to clarify an opinion with which some of his friends had taken issue, and he bellowed forcefully: "I like Justin Bieber AS A PERSON!"

Egypt!

I know what you have been asking yourself: "When is the guy who 'blogs' about evil piñata movies going to weigh in on the situation in Egypt?" Okay! My mother-in-law just got back from Cairo, which is her hometown. She was there for the whole ruckus! She called us up and told us all the jokes people were telling in the square. My mother-in-law says that her fellow Egyptians will always find a way to laugh, even in the toughest times. It's one of their defining characteristics, she says. We're glad she's back!

Crying On the Inside With Billy Crystal

Thinking about MR. SATURDAY NIGHT and Jerry Lewis led to contemplation of how many movies there are about how sad and lonely it is to be a comedian. There are some I just love (THE CIRCUS, THE KING OF COMEDY, STARDUST MEMORIES, THE PATSY) but the subject tends to make me irritable somehow. Like, "Who cares?" Like, "Shut up and do something funny!" Like, "Yeah, your job is really hard. To quote Larry Brown, 'How'd you like to paint a few houses while it's a hundred degrees?'" It's those darn sad clowns again! Movie comedians didn't invent them, of course. You are familiar no doubt with the sad clowns of opera, often referenced in pop songs (Smokey Robinson, for example, has a whole repertoire of "laughing on the outside, crying on the inside" numbers, one of which mentions Pagliacci directly). And Shakespeare did some shtick along those lines, didn't he? But the movies! I don't know. If I start naming them off the top of my head, I am likely never to stop. FOR THE BOYS, THE ENTERTAINER, THREE RING CIRCUS, THE JOKER IS WILD, LIMELIGHT (pictured), LENNY, SAWDUST AND TINSEL, FUNNY PEOPLE, MAN IN THE MOON, LA STRADA, THIS IS MY LIFE, PUNCHLINE... I'm not even scratching the surface yet, but oh, PUNCHLINE. I have a soft spot for a few of the movies I just named, but PUNCHLINE is not among them. That one really showcases the problem of movies ABOUT comedy. There are lots of shots of the audience IN STITCHES - I mean, doubled over and roaring in unbridled merriment! - at some supposedly hilarious routine that leaves us (the actual audience) cold, resulting in an uncomfortable feeling of spiritual displacement, yes, that's probably what it is, spiritual displacement, I am almost positive I have developed a case of spiritual displacement. Thanks for nothing, sad clowns! I have THE COMIC starring Dick Van Dyke loaded up on the dvr and ready to go, so expect more on this subject soon. I'll bet you're excited! My prediction is that there will be a scene in which Dick Van Dyke gets a pie in the face just after receiving some tragic news, because the show must go on! Or maybe there will be a lingering close-up of his sorrowful countenance as he methodically wipes the pie off his face.

I'll Go There on a Trolley

Made it part way into MR. SATURDAY NIGHT again. The things I go through for you. I achieved my goal of making it all the way to the Jerry Lewis cameo! Jerry arrives with a water glass stuffed into his mouth for humor [as seen in this still from HARDLY WORKING - ed.]. Then Billy Crystal's "character" makes a "the French love Jerry Lewis" joke. You know how I hate that! So lazy. So lazy, Billy Crystal! I think Jerry gets some revenge. He yells "FRANCE!" really loudly in his Jerry Lewis voice, so hard to replicate with mere typography. How can I express all the disdain for Billy Crystal that he packs into that one word? He is saying, "Oh! I never heard that one before! Wow, you're the greatest comedian ever!" But, you know, sarcastically. It's just dripping with cruel irony mixed with patented Jerry zaniness! A potent combination! It disrupts cinematic grammar the way Jerry likes to do in his own movies, and for a brief moment the story and the process of its making seem to blur and converge as in THE PATSY and many other Jerry films. Jerry - as he must! - takes control. He says "FRANCE! I'll go there on a TROLLEY!" and, babbling, dashes away. I would call it a subversive cameo, yes, that's what I would call it, and it all seemed to sail right over Billy Crystal's head.

Well

First it was Conrad Veidt, now it's CITY STREETS. James Wolcott is "blogging" about all the same things I am - well, two things. Anyway, I get to "post" this picture again. Oh, why don't I just hop in a time machine and go back to the early 1930s and shut my fat yapper and quit bothering you nice people all the time? I keep conveniently forgetting about the Great Depression. For starters.

Not All Fun and Games

But "The Chiseler" isn't all fun and games, kids. I'm just telling you! Like, it just informed me that the guy who wrote NAKED ON ROLLER SKATES died a "gruesome" death. I don't know the details and I don't want to know because I like to be happy all the time and you should too.

Chiseling

This time I read twitter and it wasn't about people dying for a change. Thanks to Phil (who coincidentally was "retweeting" my editor at THE BELIEVER, Ed Park), I found out about a "web" site called "The Chiseler." Why, it's right up my alley! For example, now they are displaying the same promotional still for DETOUR I showed you a while back. But wait, there's more! A nice little article on Aline MacMahon, who was so wonderful in GOLD DIGGERS OF 1933, recently under discussion here. That's not all (and remember, we haven't even "clicked" on "Older Posts" yet)! There's a tidbit about a woman who went to see a Cagney movie in 1931 and it shook her up so much she never saw another movie. AND SHE'S STILL ALIVE! Who knows, maybe that new Ashton Kutcher one will tempt her into breaking her streak. Or maybe I'm just feeling optimistic because "The Chiseler" is chiseling away... right into my stony heart, that is! Note to Megan Abbott and Sara Gran: y'all will love it too!

McNeil Is Still Worried About Everything

McNeil has been reading articles at cnn.com again, and as you know, it never turns out well for him. Now he is concerned about a giant secret planet that orbits the sun every 27,000,000 years, and every time it comes around to say hello, there's a "mass extinction" down here on good old Earth. McNeil is pretty sure our 27,000,000 years are just about up and we're all doomed. Doomed! Speaking of disasters, have you heard about this Broadway musical called SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK? It is about Spider-Man turning off the dark and ha ha ha, I just compared it to the end of human life and I've never even seen it. Turns out I'm just one of those jerks you hear about all the time. Speaking of the end of human life, Spider-Man keeps plummeting headlong into the audience from a deadly height, which is one of the problems this musical is having. Well, today in the New York Times, Vanessa Redgrave refers to that show as "Let the Light Come in From the Dark, Superman." She really seems to think that's the title! I was so happy to read that. First, it is fitting and dignified that she does not know the name of the show. Finally, it sounds like something my friend Lucy's mother would say, or something that everybody's mother would say. Adorable!

He Is You

Twitter is mainly to tell you when people die. I just found out from Maud Newton and She Blogged By Night that Kenneth Mars died! I liked Kenneth Mars a lot! Here is a picture of him from WHAT'S UP DOC (costarring Mr. Austin Pendleton!) in which Kenneth Mars is Hugh, and he says "I am Hugh," but it sounds like he is saying "I am you," with hilarious results. So long, Kenneth Mars!

Happy Valentimes

(That's really how we used to pronounce it in Alabama!)

It's a Phase

Looking at that photo of myself, I find it hard to deny I've entered my "late Tennessee Williams" phase.

Giant Living Piñata of Happiness

I have it on good authority... wait, is this good authority? Mike Bulington told Kelly Hogan and Kelly Hogan told me. So that's third-hand information, right? But my informants are trustworthy. So I have it on good authority that Cee-Lo looked like "a giant living piñata" on the Grammy awards last night. Hogan facetiously inquires as to whether Cee-Lo starred in the evil piñata movie I have been watching. Had he, I am certain it would have been about a benevolent piñata who wants to entertain the people! On the same subject, an email from H. (another H., not Hogan!) came in, revealing her childhood fear of piñatas. "I got no candy and my hand was sliced open when a toy watch was snatched from my grip," she writes, so the fear is understandable! Hence H.'s theory that "all piñatas are evil."

Okay

Okay, now I am tired.

Big Plans For Fat Boy

Should I spend the entire day doing nothing but adding "labels" to my "posts"? Before you answer, allow me to give you an example! If the "post" is about an evil piñata, I will put a label at the bottom that says "evil piñata." This will make my "blog" easier to navigate for people who enjoy evil piñatas! All right! I agree! It is time to roll up my sleeves and get to work. Photo by Blair Hobbs.

Your Final Piñata Report of the Evening

I promised myself I would make it to the part of the movie where the evil piñata comes to life, and I did. Let me say first that the score includes a synthesizer playing "Mexican Hat Dance" over a hip-hop beat. I would also like to observe that a couple of brothers (they have the same last name, anyway) apparently directed this movie, which is called PINATA: SURVIVAL ISLAND. They are like the Coen Brothers of evil piñata movies! So I should have seen this coming: after the evil piñata comes to life, it grabs a stick and starts whacking some poor dude. Because that's what we usually do to piñatas! But it's not candy that comes out this time. Here's the dialogue when they find the evil piñata: - "Let's crack it open!" - "We shouldn't!" - "It's a piñata!" - "You're right!" PS Based on the little I've seen, "Survival Island" is a terrible name for this island.

Evil Piñata Island

Okay! I am not kidding! The "present day" action of the evil piñata movie starts with a contest to find thousands of pairs of underpants that have been "scattered around the island."

The Sin-Filled Piñata

Wow! There is a lot of narration in this evil piñata movie! Here's a sample from the first few minutes: "As the sin-filled piñata floated away, the forces of nature continued to build." Don't worry, I paused it so I won't miss anything! I should tell you there is also a good piñata at the beginning of the movie, and a "village piñata maker."

Evil Piñata Alert

The evil piñata movie is coming on in like five minutes! It's on one of the "Showtime" channels.

$

McNeil sent me a youtube video of the kind I will NEVER "click" on. This time it turns out U.S. money has secret conspiracies printed on it in clever ways. Dr. Theresa says he also left me a phone message asking me to join the illuminati, but McNeil claims that she always puts a "spin" on his phone messages, so I don't know. See also. Also, see also. Ha! That dollar sign makes me think of an interview Eric Spitznagel did with the performer Ke$ha for VANITY FAIR. She explains how she has singlehandedly changed the meaning of the dollar sign! She says, "Whenever I’m walking by a bank and I see a big dollar sign, I just have to laugh to myself." Then Spitznagel makes me laugh by asking, "What banks have big dollar signs outside? Do you have an account with Scrooge McDuck?" And Ke$ha replies: "You know what I’m saying. A dollar sign isn’t just about money anymore. It’s also about glitter guns and whiskey." Hold on, people. We've seen how often flamboyant performers like Britney Spears are involved with the big conspiracies - every time, that's how often! - so maybe that chuckle should catch in your throat. Ke$ha is flaunting it! Right there in the middle of her name! What does she REALLY mean by "a dollar sign isn't just about money anymore"? I need to check that message from McNeil... UNLESS IT HAS BEEN ERASED.

!

Mr. Ward writes in to say that our friend Kent's movie UNCLE KENT has been reviewed in THE NEW YORKER! Mr. Ward says the last line of the review is "only stillness and death await you." To which I respond "!" Anyway, that'll look good on the movie poster. It seems like a really nice review as far as I can tell from the abbreviated version available online. They compare Kent to a Henry James character, which is something I have never thought to do myself.

Mom

Mom just called to tell me that an asteroid will be hitting the earth in 2036.