Vainglorious!

Now it is the time on the "blog" when I pack away my normal tendency toward altruism and try to trick you into buying my book. I'm sorry! If you are not in the mood to buy a book, please stop reading now. Okay. We received a pleasant note from "Blog" Buddy Mark Childress today. He sent a "link" to the "web" site of a magazine called "The Brooklyn Rail," and on that "web" site was a kind and generous review of my new book. If you "click" on the part of the last sentence that is differently tinted than the rest of the sentence, you will be sent to the review. But I warn you, this fellow is thorough! His honeyed words will perhaps make you want to buy BOTH of my books. You have been warned.

Jack's Tips For Friendly Book Likers

Do you like books? Sure you do! But some books are large and heavy, and while those books are perfect for reading at home, they are not convenient for those times when you must walk a long way with a book, or when you're alone at a restaurant, or getting the car tuned up, or flying around in an airplane, or any of the many, many other things you do all alone like a ragged pariah. That's why whenever your "main read" is a big, heavy hardcover book, I recommend purchasing a companion volume, that is, a small, portable paperback to take with you out in public. Aside from the injury you may do to yourself trying to tote around a big, heavy book or the impossibility of finding room for it amidst the silver and china on a "table for one," people might think you are trying to come off as an "egghead." That's no way to make friends! It also helps if your secondary book is made up of short pieces, things you can read at a sitting or two. That way, your concentration on or immersion in your "big book" waiting for you at home will not be spoiled. Do I practice what I preach? You bet I do! That's why I got myself a copy of MUSIC FOR CHAMELEONS by Truman Capote. A month or so ago, at a nearby tapas restaurant, a VP at Cartoon Network said I would like it. "But read the one about the rattlesnake first," she said. I have no idea which one is the one about the rattlesnake. I asked her today, and she said that she regretted having given me instructions... that everyone should read a book in his or her own way. I practically begged her to tell me which one had the rattlesnake in it but she refused. Now I'm just going to be thinking, "Is this the one with the rattlesnake?" every time I read a story. It might make me tense with anticipation! But her lips are sealed. This has been one in a series of tips. Good night.

Letters

We've received an unusual amount of mail at the "blog" today. Pia Z. Ehrhardt writes in to remind everyone that tomorrow is "Free Comic Book Day." She even provides a "link." What are you talking about, Ms. Ehrhardt? You know our mutual publisher gets antsy when we talk about comic books! Jamie Allen writes, "If you had comments on your 'blog,' I would have responded to your 'oh, snap' post thusly: 'Jack, that was me! You didn't recognize me AGAIN! Actually, that coffee shop is probably No. 3 on the Say, Sport Depth Chart. The Starting Coffee Shop in our Lineup is Inman Perk. You should come on over here and hang out!" To Jamie we respond with a regretful "No." Why? We don't know! The name of the place rubs us the wrong way, we guess. A spoof of FRIENDS, we take it? The soul shudders in its fleshly casing. Phil Oppenheim contributes a terse commentary on the end of the Gilmore Girls: "Good riddance," he snarls, crusty as ever. Methinks his gruff demeanor conceals a breaking heart! Finally, David Fulmer (another Gerswhin fan) tells us about his (Fulmer's) new musical project. It's called garagebandnetwork.com. We can't quite make the "link" work yet, and we're not really sure what it is, but we bet it's good! And we'll update you as soon as the "link" is working. If you don't know Mr. Fulmer's mysteries, you should! They are in part - I won't say an excuse - an OPPORTUNITY for Mr. Fulmer to write about music. Sometimes a real-life musician will wander into the plot, someone like Buddy Bolden or Blind Willie McTell. The last time I ran into Mr. Fulmer it was across the street at Manuel's Tavern, and we had a nice talk about the vast philosophical gulf between Blind Willie McTell and Blind Willie Johnson, both so towering in their own ways. Pick either Blind Willie, you can't go wrong! But one of them will terrify you about the afterlife.

Had I Your Tongues and Eyes I'd Use Them So That Heaven's Vault Would Crack, Know What I Mean?

I feel just like King Lear in that show KING LEAR. Particularly the last scene where he's like, "What the...?" But it's too late! Oh, Gilmore Girls! I blew you off for so long, and now that we were starting to work things out look what happens.

Sneeze IV

This just in from Mr. Ward: "I was reading your blog and decided to IMDB search Fred Ott, star of 'The Sneeze.' Did you know his follow-up film (also from 1894) was called 'Fred Ott Holds a Bird'? Apparently his last film appearance was in 1900 in 'The Kiss,' a remake of the 1896 hit of the same name. Plus, did you know Edison released at least 63 other films in 1894 - among them... Professor Welton's Boxing Cats; Chinese Opium Den; The Cock Fight; Cock Fight, No. 2; Fancy Club Swinger; Rat Killing; Unsuccessful Somersault? Thanks to the internet I can avoid doing real work for hours on end."

"Bacchanal" Used Correctly

Voicemail from Jeff McNeil, in which the word "bacchanal" was featured. "I hope I used that correctly," he said. "If not, you and Dr. 'M.' can mock me." But he did. He did use it correctly! The feud is over, Jeff! Here's a whimsical aside. Dr. "M." thought that Jeff was a character, an alter-ego that I had created for the "blog." Jeff, meanwhile, suspected that Dr. "M." was a figment of my imagination. But they are both real! Jeff, in fact, is my oldest friend. I've known him since I was 13. I refuse to let the "blog" tear us apart! I'll delete the whole thing if I have to!

"Oh, Snap!"

A few minutes ago I was at the coffee shop where Jamie Allen usually hangs out. It was a matter of convenience; I don't usually go there. Anyway, I heard a young man who works there say, "Oh, snap!" I could not ascertain the object of his exclamation. Then he said it again. And I thought quite clearly, almost audibly, "I just heard someone say 'Oh, snap!' twice in a row." And then he said it again!

The Daily Angry Phone Call From Jeff McNeil

Jeff McNeil called today. "I see you have time for a whole long 'post' about Alabama, but nothing about McNeil," he said. Specifically, he wanted me to "post" an email he sent, which begins, "to be usurped is one thing...but to be mocked! that is something i will not abide, mr pendarvis. I have cleared the McNeil building and now stalk the halls alone, menacingly..." You get the drift. This is my fault for fanning the flames. I thought a good feud would "spice up" the "blog." But it was wrong to set friend against friend, even in such an inconsequential and jesting way. I am reminded of the time I was in Barry B.'s yard, and there were some kids fighting. I believe a couple of kids had chased another kid up a tree. And Barry B. walked over and said in his mellifluous Pine Mountain, GA, accent: "Love, kids, love!" And the kids were so amazed and baffled and confused that they stopped fighting. Always remember what Barry B. said: "Love, kids, love!"

Lost

We were watching LOST last night when I suddenly figured out the entire show. My solution can be stated in two words: They're Masons!

One More Thing About James Reese Europe

I hope it is okay for me to quote from Howard Pollack's book here! After all, I am trying to encourage people to read it. Anyway, he describes a James Reese Europe concert at which the band included "ten pianos and eighty-five mandolins, bandores, harp-guitars, and banjos, so that the sound somewhat resembled a Russian balalaika orchestra." Now that's another show I wish I could have seen. Mr. Pollack also makes some interesting points about how early jazz was equated at the time - for its polyrhythms and dissonance, just to name a couple of aspects - with certain European musical trends, such as the innovations of Stravinsky and Schoenberg. Won't my erstwhile nemesis the famous intellectual be distraught to hear such a thing?

Sneeze III

On the other hand, shouldn't there be SOME sort of distinction between a "blog" like mine, or one where a panda sneezes, and something like Maud Newton's? I mean, isn't there a difference so profound as to call for a different word? Or am I crazy? To give Richard Ford credit, there are lots of "blogs" like mine where people just run off at the mouth, or a panda sneezes, so who can blame him for being upset and nervous? There's a commenter here who invites Mr. Ford to join the 21st century, but I mean, we're all in the 21st century, it's not a club we need permission, or an "iPod," to enter! (See what I mean? Running off at the mouth. All I'm trying to say is that Mr. Ford needs no one's permission for anything.) But I think if we came up with different words for different kinds of "blogs," everyone would relax and be happy and welcome the new dawn of computer blah blah blah okay I can't seriously write about what a "blog" is ever again anymore, it's over, do you hear me? I think we're all just doing the very best we can. Well, I'm not, but I'm sure most people are.

Let's Talk About Alabama

Alabama keeps cropping up. First the Jonathan Rosenbaum connection, then last night on LOST we were reminded of Sawyer's childhood in Jasper (home of Uncle Mort's, as you may recall from our award-winning investigative series on deliciousness). In the Gershwin book, we learn that two of the composer's earliest influences (one thoroughly documented as such, the other more ephemeral), W.C. Handy and James Reese Europe, were from Alabama. Mr. Europe, in fact, was born in Mobile, which is near where I grew up. At this point I should mention that I know two people (Caroline and Dr. "M.") with home karaoke machines. Why? It's just the crowd I hang out with, I guess. But Dr. "M." has "Sweet Home Alabama" on one of her karaoke CDs. I am still mocked by nearly every member of the Ivan Bonar Appreciation Society for the night I sang "Sweet Home Alabama." Politically, it is not a very enlightened song (putting it mildly), and in fact I changed most of the words to celebrate all the great people who come from Alabama, such as Hank Williams, George Washington Carver, Helen Keller, Jim Nabors, and one of Charlie's Angels; my improvised lyrics were the fodder for the brutal mocking I received. But there is part of me - an Alabama part, I guess - that loves saying "I hope Neil Young will rememBUH..." even though Neil Young rocks and we all know it. But I was mortified a couple of years ago when they staged that song on American Idol as a giant singalong without seeming to take into account which governor (George Wallace) they were forcing everyone to anthemically praise. Yikes! (Speaking of mortified, that could work as part of a slogan for Uncle Mort's: "Come On In and Get Mortified!" But it would mean the opposite of what it usually means. Another aside: Is "anthemically" a word?) Back in the 1980s when I was just a young man of 65, I worked in a place called The Haunted Book Shop in downtown Mobile, which was as dead an area as you can imagine. But next door was a tiny restaurant called Handy's Hickory House, with the world's greatest cornbread. Ms. Handy's husband was a descendent of W.C. Handy! That whole block has been demolished now, from what I understand. Well, okay, once in awhile I have to talk about Alabama a little bit.

Phil

Whatever happened to Phil Oppenheim? I know one thing. He would love the Gershwin book.

Gershwin: His Life and Work

Hi, everybody! I'm going to violate all my principles... again! It puts me in mind of a line by Peter De Vries. I seem to remember that it's from his novel COMFORT ME WITH APPLES but I can't seem to find it just flipping back and forth in the pages of my crumbly old paperback, so I may be misquoting (then again, as you know, I don't mind a little shoddy scholarship in the privacy of my own "blog"). Anyway, I think De Vries has his narrator say of some action he has undertaken, "It was so unlike me, like everything else I did." So, yes, I'm going to fall off the wagon and tell you what I'm reading. I think I have a good reason, though. Because if you look at the book GERSHWIN: HIS LIFE AND WORK by Howard Pollack, you're going to be afraid! It's a big, fat brick of a book that seems to cry out, "Forget it! Are you kidding me?" But just crack it open. It's as clear as water. Somehow Pollack keeps all the people in Gershwin's life vivid and individualized, so you're never scratching your head over a name, even if you last saw it 40 pages earlier. Maybe a little background in music wouldn't hurt... but if you're at all interested in reading about Gerswhin's life and work, you probably have some little taste for musicology, enough to get by. Or if not, who cares? Dive in. Maybe you'll be titillated and go out and buy a small dictionary of musical terms. You probably need one anyway, just to have around for kicks. The bigness of this book is an invitation, not a warning. It signals joy - a healthy desire to cram EVERYTHING in, maybe a Dickensian or Joycean impulse. Sometimes you have to read a book like that!

Sneeze II

You know, gang, "The Sneeze" was also a movie by Thomas Edison. I think if you two could get together and enjoy a good movie like "The Sneeze" you'd be the best of "chums." There's plenty of "blog" to go around!

She Adds

"The sneeze was for Jeff McNeil's pleasure," she adds. "Please tell him that I have no idea who he is either."

Gesundheit!

"Achoooo," writes Dr. "M."

Feud A-Brewin'?

Angry call from Jeff McNeil. He claims that Dr. "M." is hijacking the "blog"... from him! "All she has to do is sneeze and you put it on the 'blog,'" he raged. "I don't even know who she is!" He then made sneering queries about GILMORE GIRLS and VERONICA MARS, the plots of which I tried soberly to explain. I compared MARS to Chandler, the way Philip Marlowe was always having to trudge up to a mansion, the crisp dialogue, the issues of class and money, honor and shame. "I don't think I'd like it," he said. "And what's with the GILMORE GIRLS? Is it a guilty pleasure?" I replied that I didn't feel guilty about it, that I thought people used "guilty pleasure" as a cop-out. McNeil wasn't buying it. He wanted me to feel guilty!

Jerry Lewis Again

While I was strolling around the "internet" looking for another picture of Jerry Lewis, I came upon a "blog" by the man who writes the Catwoman comic book. And this man not only writes the Catwoman comic book, he loves Jerry Lewis. Anyway, there's no telling what you'll find out on the "internet." By the way, I found a first edition of THE TOTAL FILMMAKER in a used bookstore in Mobile, Alabama, several years ago. Six bucks, baby! I'm not a "first edition" kind of guy, but that was a happy day.

McNeil's Movie Korner: The Total Film-Maker

Welcome once again to McNeil's Movie Korner, which in this case is two emails we received from Mr. McNeil (who recently attained an adjunct faculty position at a university) cut-and-pasted and crammed together into a single "post" like so: "There is a library in Nigeria that has a copy of THE TOTAL FILM-MAKER by Jerry Lewis! If you ask me how I know, the answer will astound you. There is a tool on the university web site called 'WorldCat' (for faculty only!). WorldCat is a database of all the card catalogs of all the libraries in all the world. All you have to do is type in Total Film-Maker and up pops every library that has a copy - in the whole big wide world! Magical. And I can do it from home. Unpublished dissertation on Bob Hope and his effect on the American psyche during the war years? I doubt it. But if there is one, WorldCat will find it for you. And then you can put it on library loan and...presto...it shows up in about a week. I'd hate to see a cut-n-paste job on this one pendarvis...put a little effort into editing this time." No, sir, I will not!

Beaches Forever

I just finished a 126-word story inspired by the film BEACHES. Thanks, BEACHES! I will never pooh-pooh you again! You did something to me, though not the thing I think you intended. My story is "high concept" and I am terrified that someone else may have chanced on the premise before me. But it's the sort of thing that is probably impossible to check - I can't even think of what phrase one might "google" in the service of such an endeavor - and besides, you can't worry about stuff like that if you are a "writer," or you will never get anything "done." That's today's tip for young "writers"!

Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner: Dr. "M." on Mars

Ha ha! That reminds us of one of our other favorite "post" titles: "Jim Whorton on the Moon." Man, when we get hold of a joke, we don't let that sucker go! Oh, golly. It is with a sense of great joy and relief that we return to our role as braying jackass. Well, welcome back to our regular feature Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner. Dr. "M." would like you not to worry if you, like she, missed last night's VERONICA MARS because you were out at the special anniversary showing of DIRTY DANCING. The entire episode, Dr. "M." reports, is available on the CW "web" site. "Be prepared for a butterfly-filled final scene!" Dr. "M." concludes. We, too, believe that last night's episode was a "keeper." And as a relatively self-contained story, it might be a good starting point for the VERONICA novice. I've said it before and I'll say it again: "Veronica Mars will crack the case!"

Hooray!

By the way, we now have a winner for the most boring "post" ever.

Here's the Problem:

I was reading some thoughtful, serious essays by Dan Wickett and Maud Newton and the like on what a "blog" is and what a "blog" does and I started feeling like a jerk because all I'm doing is goofing around and trying to sell a few books, maybe. Right now I'm thinking that maybe it's okay to goof around. And maybe it's even okay to sell a book or two! I've heard it's an enjoyable experience. But I shouldn't set up straw men and gleefully boot them to the floor! There are people who put a lot of time and care into their "blogs." And maybe they get their feelings hurt when I (or people like me, I don't assume they've looked at the "blog") make a bunch of sport and such. Also, what if they review my book? And they're like, "Hey, that's that guy who gives everyone a false impression of 'blogs.' Even though I have integrity, part of me hates him!" When I said, in an earlier "post," that a "blog" is "when you are rich enough to have a computer, and you have developed, at some point in your life, rudimentary typing skills," I should have been clearer. That IS really all one needs to make a "blog," but it is not, actually, the DEFINITION of a "blog," and certainly not of a thoughtful "blog." You know, this is exactly the sort of thing I NEVER want to talk about on the "blog." But the AJC controversy has everybody all riled up and excited, and I am highly suggestible. Speaking of which, the other problem with my "blog" came up when I was talking with Sheri Joseph and Teresa Weaver yesterday. Joseph explained that she was resistant to writing a "blog" because it wouldn't be crafted in the way that her writing usually is, and it would just be out there, suddenly, unpolished and jagged, for all to see (I'm paraphrasing, but I believe that's the gist). I answered, "Yeah, but one day we'll all be dead, so who cares?" But secretly on the inside I was trembling with shame! In my case, there's a double trap, because - superficially - my "voice" on the "blog" could be conflated with that of some of my narrators. But when I write a story or a book, the intent is different and certainly the level of concentration is different. Maybe from time to time I should remind everyone that I am not one of my own narrators... or AM I? Maybe this whole thing is secretly very polished, and there's a big scheme behind it, and slowly a plot is being revealed and before long it will be a book. But it's not. I'm just goofing around.

From Dr. "M."

There is no reason for me to take out my confusion about "blogging" on Dr. "M." and our other innocent correspondents. Here, then, I present a message from Dr. "M.": "I just wanted to echo my blog colleague Theresa's assessment of Dirty Dancing," Dr. "M." writes, "and I also would like to thank her for putting up with my catcalling, whooping, and cheering at last night's screening on the film. Despite our near-death experiences on the way to the theater, including almost getting sideswiped by two--count them, two!--semis and my almost driving straight into a roadblock that clearly said STOP to everyone but me AND despite my fear of the Atlantic Station underground parking lot (it's so big and scary!!) AND despite the fact that my windshield is covered in some sap that made driving very difficult, it turned out to be a magical evening in which we enjoyed made-on-the-spot guacamole at our pre-screening meal and the hot, steamy, and downright 'dirty' dancing that lends itself to the film's title. The theater was packed with women of all ages, many of whom seemed to giggle uncontrollably throughout the showing. Was I one of those ladies? I'll never tell! Perhaps the crowning moment of the evening was when Johnny (Swayze) states the classic line, 'Nobody puts Baby in the corner,' and the entire theater erupted into cheers. You tell 'em, Johnny! On another note, I am sad I had to miss what sounds like a stellar episode of the Gilmores. Of course I was having 'the time of my life' at DD, and I did get to see Emily Gilmore on screen in the role of Baby's mother, Marge Houseman." Thanks, Dr. "M."! You remind us of what "blogging" is all about, or what we THOUGHT "blogging" was all about but now our head hurts.

Something Kent Said

That reminds me. My friend Kent could, back in the 90s, get a reliable laugh by casually dropping the word "Anyswayze" into a conversation. If there was a lull, he would say it instead of "Anyway." It was hilarious! Those were the days. And on that note, goodbye forever.

A Nervous "Blog"down

Okay, all this pondering "blogging" is making me think I never understood what a "blog" was, never really had a "blog," perhaps shouldn't be "blogging" or attempting to "blog" or trying to define "blogging." I leave you with one incident. Tonight, Dr. "M." and Theresa went to see DIRTY DANCING on the big screen. Somehow Theresa missed it when it came out, and had never seen it before. Dr. "M.," on the other hand, has made it her Bible. When Theresa came home, all hopped up from the excitement, glowing, really, I said, "Are you drunk?" To which Theresa, rightly indignant, replied, "NO, I'M HIGH ON DIRTY DANCING!" Yes, she said it that way, all caps. Earlier tonight, I thought this would be something good to put on a "blog." But now I just don't know. So, no more "blogging" for awhile. I'll come back when I figure out what a "blog" is, and if I like it.

Jack, You Boob

I already disagree with my most recent "post." Just to name one example, I very much enjoy reading my favorite Aquaman "blog" every day, and I would say that it fits the definition of a classic "blog." So all that junk I said about good "blogs" not really being "blogs" was just screwball nonsense. Yes, I am now "posting" negative comments on my own "posts." I'm all mixed up inside!

Some "Blogs" Are Good!

Hey, you know, sometimes I poke fun at the idea of "blogging." But that's only because I'm a crusty old sad sack! Still, I want you to remember that some "blogs" are good. But my true belief is that the good ones, such as The Emerging Writers Network (the one I am "linking" to right now), aren't really "blogs" anymore. Fancy things happen when you "click" on stuff, for example! And the colors are too nice. Let's think up a new word! I mean, this guy Dan Wickett NEVER talks about what he thought of last night's GILMORE GIRLS episode! And he hardly ever uses any exclamation points! Now how can you stand there and call that a "blog"? (By the way, I thought last night's episode was a real return to form. And the use of karaoke was deft. In even the most high-budget TV series, including those on premium cable, you will find that the producers scrimp when it comes to scenes involving karaoke. Music licensing is expensive! Listen closely, and you will see that most of the time they have people singing "Red River Valley" or "Polly Wolly Doodle" or some other random scrap from the public domain. Not so for the Gilmore Girls! Each song selection furthered the plot AND was something a person would actually sing at a karaoke bar. Yes, I believe the long, painful "blog" moratorium on the Gilmore Girls has come to an end. I couldn't stay mad at them forever!) What was I saying? See? This is what most "blogs" are like. This is what most of EVERYTHING is like! I'm sorry! Perhaps the things I fear and mock ARE THE VERY TRAITS I SEE IN MYSELF! Mommy!

Tom, Tom

I was having dinner over at Manuel's Tavern with my sister when I looked at the TV screen hanging over her head and saw a bulletin announcing the death of character actor Tom Poston. As a small tribute, we give you this "link" to the time we mentioned Mr. Poston on the "blog." Also, Jeff McNeil called today to tell me that Tommy Newsom, a fixture of the old TONIGHT SHOW, had died. I guess it was a year ago or more that Jeff introduced me to the Johnny Carson "web" site. One of the things you can do there (you have to experiment and mess around a little to figure it out) is find out who was on THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JOHNNY CARSON on any given night. And there are little summaries of what they talked about, not to mention a synopsis of the monologue. In the right frame of mind, a sad man might spend several hours goofing around on the Johnny Carson "web" site in such a fashion. Give it a visit for old Tommy Newsom, won't you?

Sheri Joseph

Do y'all know the awesome novelist Sheri Joseph? Well, I just found out today that she has a myspace page, so I'm going to include a "link" to it over there to the right. Turns out that Ms. Joseph and I will be "presenting" or "performing" at the Georgia Center for the Book on June 20, which reminds me, I should really update my June schedule for you nice people. Anyway, for our Georgia Center for the Book appearance, we have tentatively decided to stage a reading from a Gilmore Girls script. Ms. Joseph says that I get to be Rory!

Big Interview

Hello, people of the world! Today the novelist Sheri Joseph and I are going to be interviewed for the Atlanta paper. You know, the one that's trying to eliminate its book page. In fact, we're being interviewed by the books editor, Teresa Weaver, whose job they are trying to yank away. Well, that petition is still up if you want to sign it. I hope it helps!

Sharpen Your Quills

As you know, today marks the beginning of National Rewrite Your Novel Month. Let's do it, people! Or just for a lark, you rewrite mine and I'll rewrite yours. Well, I'm sure there will be lots of fun activities as the month progresses.

The "Blog" Knows All

We caught Christopher Hitchens on THE DAILY SHOW last night. His knowledgeable though rather superfluous aside to host Jon Stewart on the subject of Johnnie Walker Black corroborated the "blog's" earlier report of our intimate breakfast with Mr. Hitchens. The "blog" sees all!

Beaches

The good news is, I have some freelance work coming in. The bad news is, part of my assignment is watching BEACHES tonight. Or maybe it is not bad news! I have never seen BEACHES. It could turn out to be "my kind of thing." But it does raise the question: what kind of job is this? A job is where you make things, or fix things, or build things. A job is NOT where you watch BEACHES. Yet here we are.

Treachery!

Our anonymous tipster will not give up. First he tried to supply a picture of our undercover correspondent Dr. "M." but his chicanery was thwarted, perhaps by the minions of Dr. "M." herself. Now he has sent us a "link" to an entire article PURPORTING to expose the relationship of Dr. "M." and a certain farmer with whom she has been seen at fashionable nightclubs and so on. If one reads the article carefully, one will see that it is a cheap ruse. A farm in East Atlanta? This scenario is not likely! So we present it without fear, as an example of the flimsy attempts of our enemies to spoil the "blog" for innocent children everywhere.

The Stomping Machine

Our neighbors are back, after an apparent vacation of three or more weeks. And they are upstairs stomping away now, as if to make up for lost time! Their dedication is such that they seem to be trying to jam three weeks worth of stomping into a single afternoon. Stomping is a job for them, a craft, an art! In fact, and I'm not kidding, they seem to have brought something back from their travels, some kind of machine that stomps more proficiently than any human (or specially trained elephant-sized dog) ever could. From the sound of it, it runs on something like a lawn mower engine. But if I may say so, no machine could ever match the sheer poetry and passion of their stomping, and that of their beloved hounds. Hats off, stompers! Welcome home. Stomp me to sleep tonight with your ineluctable rhythms.

Perfectly Fine

No, you're not "freaking out"! A few hours ago I did indeed "post" something about a lost cat in this very spot. But now I've had a few ideas about how to turn the "real life" incident into a short story, so I'm afraid I've had to take down the "post" so it can be processed beyond all human recognition and scientifically turned into "art."

Tomatoes Bursting With Flavor and Evil

Our friend Dr. "M" was out at the farmer's market today, with a certain friendly farmer of the "blog's" acquaintance, when she ran across, in her words, "a new kind of tomato that I had never heard of before. But some were labeled 'Juliet' while others were labeled 'Juliette.' Two different handwriting styles." Longtime "blog" fanatics will recognize the implications: our twin struggles over spelling and good and evil have spilled over to our food supply. The "blog" envelops the world in its loving tentacles! We eat the "blog," we breathe the "blog"! Others, who do not keep up with the "blog" so much, will be momentarily baffled in the ten seconds or so before this "post" evaporates into the indifferent ether. It's win-win!

Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner Preview

I just received a cell phone call from Mr. Ward. Fancy! Anyway, he promises to tell us more about Grover Cleveland's jawbone soon... particularly, President Cleveland's SECRET OPERATION! And he begs you NOT to visit the "web" sites of the museums he mentioned in his previous "post." According to Mr. Ward, their exhibits are disgusting beyond belief. From what little he told us, we are inclined to believe him.

Young

You're probably too young to know what kind of banana popsicles I'm talking about. A banana had not come within 100 miles of these popsicles.

Wine

This wine tastes like banana popsicles.

Nap Likely

Maybe I'll take a nap.

The Orange Heads of Yesteryear

Theresa and I just finished watching the Rock Hudson vehicle A VERY SPECIAL FAVOR. The premise was sordid and creepy, the execution misogynistic, and the transfer made everyone's head look orange. In other words, it was everything that Jeff McNeil promised it would be. You know how we like to stay positive here at the "blog," but I must admit that we made an attempt to turn off the movie at about forty-six minutes in. Even Dick Shawn, that reliable old "blog" "fave," was straightjacketed into a restrained role, his spirit peeking out in just a very few expert double takes. Rock Hudson reprieved himself with a gifted comic turn just before I hit the button, and Theresa stayed my hand. A little over an hour in, we had to check how much running time was left because they had worked themselves into such an ugly little corner. But then there was a competent scene between Charles Boyer and Leslie Caron (left) that seemed to herald an amusing reversal. Did it happen? Sort of. And finally, in the last eight minutes, well, I can't get into it, but our jaws hit the floor at the inappropriateness of the penultimate twist. It just goes to show that any movie is "good" if you put yourself in the proper mood. Well, that's a theory I'm working out, anyway. My head hurts.

"The Man" Strikes Again

Hey, we used to have a hilarious picture of Jon Lovitz illustrating one of our editions of Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner, but "The Man" has seen fit to remove it. It's weird, because "The Man" apparently scanned the image off his television set somehow, which seems to be okay in "The Man's" opinion. Anyway, we are sorry for the loss of amusement you have experienced due to the selfishness of "The Man," who wants to keep all his stolen merchandise to himself. But that's why he's "The Man"!

Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner 2

Welcome once again to our extraordinarily popular running feature Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner. Today, Mr. Ward has submitted, and we have approved with relish, something he calls "Current Location of Presidential Body Parts." Here follows Mr. Ward's list, though we have not "fact checked" it, nor shall we: "Grover Cleveland's jawbone (down the hall from Chang and Eng Bunker's liver) - The Mutter Museum, Philadelphia. Dwight D. Eisenhower's gallstones - National Museum of Health and Medicine, Washington, D.C. George Washington's hair - your home?! On eBay right now (along with a small piece of his original casket) - current bid $142.00."

"Blog"trospective Update

The "blog"trospective on Tom Franklin has now been updated to include a few recent "posts." We at the "blog" vow never to stop working for you, the faithful "blog" reading public!

Jonathan Rosenbaum

If there is a movie critic we love in the Pendarvis Building, I guess it is Jonathan Rosenbaum. He wrote a book about "blog" "fave" film DEAD MAN. One of his books has a blurb from "blog" "fave" Godard. Plus he writes eloquently and appreciatively, in at least one of his books that we have here, on the subject of Jerry Lewis, so dear to the "blog's" heart. Finally, he spent part of his youth in Alabama, like me! (In my case, the part of my youth I spent there went from age zero to age thirty. That's a long youth!) So we were tickled when an intern alerted us to the fact that over on the Chicago Reader "web" site, Mr. Rosenbaum has "linked" not only to our Tennessee Williams article, but to the "blog" itself. We even broke our rule and commented on Mr. Rosenbaum's "post." Once again, we immediately regretted ever commenting on "posts." We thanked Mr. Rosenbaum for "recommending" our article... but as we thought about it more deeply, we realized that perhaps it was a mild chiding, rather than a unreserved recommendation. On the other hand, the aforementioned "links" IMPLY a kind of recommendation, we believe. And what is up with us switching so freely from "we" to "I"? What's all this "we" stuff, anyway? Do we think we're the king of France? On the other hand, "we" (Theresa and I) do have a few Rosenbaum books between us, but "I" grew up in Alabama. Still, we need to get a grip on this. (Pictured, the king of France.)

Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner: Tom Franklin, DO NOT READ

Well, this is a "blog" first: two TV Korners in a row! Before we turn things over to Dr. "M.," we must beg Tom Franklin not to read this "post." On our recent drive to Arkansas with Mr. Franklin, we discovered that he is just now finishing up the first season of LOST on DVD. We state right now that to read the details of last night's episode may harm him irreparably and take away his sense of childish wonder. With that, we give you Dr. "M.": "Well, last night's LOST allowed us yet another look into the complicated dichotomy of good and evil. I hold fast to my belief in Juliette's general goodness. Yes, she can be a tad saccharine sweet at times--to the point that you don't trust that endearing smile. However, I think she really wants to help the island's ************ challenged (and **************) women. BUT she ain't gonna let anyone stand in her way of getting back to her sister, thus explaining her complicity in Ben's maniacal shenanigans. And I don't mean the bar of the same name that ******* and I recently saw in Edwardsville, IL, or the bar of the same name that was once a prominent watering hole on DAYS OF OUR LIVES."

Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner: Gentle Reminder

Welcome once again to Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner. Dr. "M." has written in to remind everyone that there will be a new episode of VERONICA MARS Tuesday evening at 9 eastern. We concur with Dr. "M.'s" recommendation. We believe that a story arc was recently concluded, so those wishing to pick up the thread for the first time may find a good starting point. Of course, nothing beats Season One, available on DVD. We are not shills! We just know what we like. "Do watch, won't you?" politely concludes Dr. "M."

Correction

Jamie Allen writes in to say that although he used the words "public television" in tonight's communication, he really meant "cable access." He goes on to claim that he does not know the difference between the two. Let me put it this way, Jamie. Cable access is like a "blog," and public TV is like, I don't know, a paperback about nature images in Emily Dickinson from a university press. Either way, I don't recall being taped for TV. Maybe it's an illegal operation! The prospect is titillating.

Turkey Watch '07

One of the turkeys in Mr. Ward's yard has a pronounced limp. In other turkey news, we just got an email from Jamie Allen, who "blogged" about wild turkeys in January, and even took a picture of the bird in question. See? HE thought it was significant enough to "blog" about. We feel justified. Allen also reports that the owner of the bar called Twain's has written him to say that she spotted me on public TV while she was working out at the gym. First of all, I salute that gym and its dedication to public TV! Second of all, why was I on public TV? I can't remember doing anything while there was a public TV camera around. But if I was, I guess this is a "turkey watch" in more ways than one! Ha ha!

Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner

We are proud to present what we hope will be a new and vibrant regular feature to the "blog": Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner. Mr. Ward, as a child, memorized every fact there is about U.S. Presidents and Vice-Presidents, and he retains it all today. He is, perhaps, rivaled by our ex-boss Lisa when it comes to knowledge of Abraham Lincoln (we should also mention Jim Whorton's obvious interest in Truman and Nixon, and his novel FRANKLAND, which deals in part with Andrew Johnson) but otherwise, Mr. Ward is the acknowledged champ. Just ask him about Franklin Pierce if you don't believe me (I'll warn you right now it's a sad story). Well, in our first edition of Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner, we give you audio recordings of Presidents Taft and McKinley unearthed by Mr. Ward. It is Mr. Ward's contention that President Taft has a surprisingly good voice, like a 50s or 60s TV or radio announcer, while McKinley (again, in Mr. Ward's opinion) sounds like Jon Lovitz as the Master Thespian.

Petition

I draw everyone's attention to the petition ("click" here) about the fate of the AJC's book page. Please sign it if you agree with it. I also draw your attention to signer #1181, who, unless they take him out, is a Mr. Peroni, whose purpose (according to the comment he provided along with his signature) seems to be to promote his "blog" of "erotica." He doesn't seem interested in the issue at all! We are at a loss to understand how burying his name way down there on a petition like that will promote his career as a writer of "blog" erotica, but we wish him well!

Wild Turkeys No Big Deal In North Carolina

Further evidence that Theresa and I have led sheltered lives when it comes to wild turkeys: Jeff McNeil writes in to say, "You've seen my neighborhood, too, right? Well, there used to be a group (?) or pack (?) of wild turkeys just roaming the neighborhood. It was an odd sight. Haven't seen them in a while, though."

Wild Turkeys No Big Deal In Connecticut

It turns out that I have been making a fool of myself over the wild turkeys. Mr. Ward, who lives in Connecticut and works in NYC, says that a number of wild turkeys have made themselves at home in his back yard. So, no big deal. Forget I mentioned the wild turkeys.

Bird Consolidation

It occurs to me that I should have "linked" my "post" about wild turkeys with two earlier "posts" on the subject of robins.

No More Cigarette Holders

Speaking of cigarette holders, our long cigarette holder nightmare is over. With this announcement, we officially put a stop to the "blog" cigarette holder countdown. Our reasons are professional in nature. I have recently started a short story in which a cigarette holder plays a central part, and I need to save up all my cigarette holder thoughts and use them there. The "blog" regrets the inconvenience. We believe, however, that by "clicking" on the proper "links," one after another, you will be able to console yourselves by reviewing every single observation we have ever made about cigarette holders. Have fun!

The Secret Dinner

I have to mention something, but I cannot name names. This is because it involves a certain person who will never be named or nicknamed on the "blog." She is "not really a 'blog' girl" (her words) and my God, who can blame her? She is very kind and generous and a good friend to T_____ and myself (remember, no names in this "post"!) and out of sincere respect and utter devotion I will never mention her on the "blog." But I must say this. She and her cousin cooked us an amazing meal Sunday night, out of an ungovernable sense of warmth and hospitality. A bunch of us - some of whom are "blog" regulars, but "nameless here forevermore" as I believe Poe once put it on his "blog" - ate out in the back yard. The cousin quit his job as a stockbroker to become a chef. This is the kind of chef I like! The kind who quits something to become one. Everyone should quit something to become something else! And it should be a scary decision! Although we don't like presuming to hand out advice on the "blog," we believe this advice to be the soundest we have yet put forth.

The Dick Powell Emergence

Speaking of the Oxford American, the new issue has come out ("The Movie Issue"), and I have two articles in it. Remember long, long, ago, when I told you I was writing about Dick Powell? Well, that's one. The other is about the Tennessee Williams adaptation BABY DOLL. "Blog" readers will be happy to discover that I found a way to mention Bob Hope and Dean Martin in the latter article and Jerry Lewis in the former. Of course, Bob, Dean, and Jerry are in all things. They're all around us! But back to the magazine. It comes with a free DVD. You can see a scene from the Joey Lauren Adams film COME EARLY MORNING. There's also something from THE PUFFY CHAIR, one of the stars of which also happens to appear in the feature film HANNAH TAKES THE STAIRS, starring (and co-written by) "Blog" Buddy Kent Osborne. Is there any aspect of life that the "blog" does not encompass? We feel strongly that there is not! (Pictured, Tennessee Williams with, we believe, a cigarette holder.)

Gossipmonger!

I do not know if this is proper to mention, though it FEELS innocuous: I learned from Christopher Hitchens himself (okay, I'm fairly certain he was not addressing me personally) that he enjoys karaoke. The two numbers for which he is celebrated (I hope I'm not giving anything away) are "Like A Rolling Stone" and "Proud Mary." I mention this for a few reasons. First, I think it will be of especial interest to our "blog" correspondent Dr. "M.," whose karaoke rendition of "Baby Got Back" is unrivaled. Also... the night before I learned this dirty, wretched bit of celebrity gossip (am I betraying a trust?), and COMPLETELY UNBEKNOWNST to Christopher Hitchens, I sang an entire BeeGees song, a cappella, to a stunned and bewildered gathering of literature lovers. I was supposed to be, I think, reading one of my short stories, but I pretended to believe that I was supposed to sing. My original intention was to sing one line and stop. But something (the ghost of Andy Kaufman? Poe's imp of the perverse? Three Guinnesses?) goaded me to keep going, and going, and going. And then I did half a verse of "Bring the Noise" by Public Enemy. And then I stopped being a smarta** and read some prose. I must now do two things: 1) apologize to the literature lovers; 2) thank Caroline Young, whose karaoke performance of "I Started a Joke" (the BeeGees song) was my first exposure to that little nugget of pop melancholy. They should have heard Caroline do it. But they got me.

It Was Nothing Like My Dinner With Andre

On the drive to the Arkansas Literary Festival, I mentioned to Tom Franklin that Christopher Hitchens was speaking there, and that I was deathly afraid of him, based on his television persona. I had a particular horror of being thrust into some sort of social situation with him. I pictured myself saying something oafish or unpalatable, or simply something wonderfully brilliant with which Mr. Hitchens disagreed, and Mr. Hitchens lacerating me thereafter with his famous tongue (not literally. Or maybe literally!). But it did not seem likely that our paths would cross and Tom and I made much jolly sport of the notion. I also happened to mention my paralyzing fear of Christopher Hitchens to Mr. Smirnoff (the editor of the Oxford American; I met him for the first time this weekend). And so it came to pass that on Sunday morning I had just ordered breakfast when who should walk into the joint but Mr. Smirnoff and Mr. Hitchens. Mr. Smirnoff insisted that I join their table, though I was waving him away and making faces of despair and terror (not so that Mr. Hitchens could see. It was not my intention to insult him!). Mr. Smirnoff introduced me, first of all, as a "young writer," which was flattering but incorrect and no doubt puzzled Mr. Hitchens, as I loomed over him (he was seated) with my grizzled beard. My nose hairs, many of which have turned a dazzling white, were also visible, I believe, from Mr. Hitchens's enviable vantage point. Then Mr. Smirnoff said, and I quote, "Jack is terrified to meet you." Mr. Hitchens reacted graciously to the news, with a charming and pleasant (yet terrifying!) bon mot that I will not repeat for fear of getting it wrong. Well, dear readers, I mainly kept mum and tried to look intelligent as I picked through my andouille and chicken hash. I am pleased to report that Mr. Hitchens's breakfast consisted of Johnnie Walker Black and cigarettes. This is not accurate! Mr. Smirnoff and Mr. Hitchens had dined earlier in the day. Mine was a late breakfast. But I wanted so very much to believe that Mr. Hitchens breakfasted in such a fashion. Didn't you?

Wild Turkeys

Theresa and I spotted two wild turkeys just hanging out together on the side of Highway 6. We both commented that we had never, in our memories, seen wild turkeys just hanging out by the road like that. Possibly, we had never seen wild turkeys in person. THEN, 60 or 70 MILES later, on Highway 78, we saw ANOTHER WILD TURKEY just standing there sort of watching the cars go by. Good Lord! Wild turkeys. Better looking than I imagined they would be. Stately.

Gone

Okay, we're gone! Try to occupy yourselves for a few days!

The "Internet"

I am not completely made for the "internet." But I'm giving it a good try, right? Anyway, on the "web" site where I found out about the bad news for the AJC book page, a guy came along and commented that maybe all this was the little guy's fault and we should stop and consider the sweet, tender, hurt feelings of the giant multimedia corporations of our nation and indeed the world (I'm paraphrasing). He also made the suggestion that short story writers should try writing good books and then maybe people would read them. And I thought, "Wow! That's pretty good advice. Maybe I'll give it a whirl one day!" You never know! Yet when I tried to comment back in a jaunty way, I'm afraid I ended up sounding disagreeable and perhaps incoherent. That's the problem with me and the "internet"! It is not the other commentator's responsibility, the way God made me! Anyway, I vowed on that "web" site never to comment on someone else's "blog" again. But I would like to state for the record here and now that I DO reserve the right to comment on my favorite Aquaman "blog." I love it! Still, I am not so sure about this "internet" business anymore. Do you think it will catch on?

The Well-Known Flowering Shrubs

This one goes out to my sister. She keeps asking me to look up "rose-hips" in my OXFORD COMPANION TO FOOD, and I keep forgetting. Anyway, turns out it's the "fruit" of the rose. Perhaps this raises more questions than it answers! If this helps, the COMPANION refers to roses as "the well-known flowering shrubs." So I suppose "rose-hips" are the "fruit" of that "well-known flowering shrub." Also known as "rose-haw." Now, about rhubarb. It's a vegetable, but in 1947 everyone decided to call it a fruit instead. The stalk is the good part. In ancient times, the root was used for medicine. At some point, maybe in the 17th or 18th century, somebody said, "Hey, these stalks are pretty tasty." Hope this helps! (Pictured, the world's largest rosebush, or so says the "internet." It's in Tombstone, Arizona! Hey, I've been there! Maybe I'll "blog" about it one day. It's the first place I ever had chorizo. For that reason alone, I love you, Tombstone, Arizona! "Blogs" are awesome!)

Ginger Snaps

There is no such thing as a bad ginger snap. The secret ingredient is ginger! Have a few ginger snaps today.

Wait

And while I'm listing my annoying habits I should also mention how I used to call movies "hypnotic" when I couldn't think of any other word to use. What a jerk!

Just Maybe the Chanting Homunculus

I've noticed another example of my lazy writing. I guess when any movie is sort of weird, I compare it to Bunuel. Now, I can make a strong case for the similarity between COLD TURKEY and VIRIDIANA... but I believe Bunuel was the wrong "go-to guy" for my recent reflections on THE NUTTY PROFESSOR. First of all, we don't think of the gaudy, striking colors in THE NUTTY PROFESSOR when we think of Bunuel. Really, the only POSSIBLY Bunuelish thing was the mynah bird that turned into a chanting homunculus - though even that is pushing it - and I may as well have mentioned any number of other surrealists and left poor Bunuel out of it. So I'm instituting a new rule here at the "blog": no more comparing weird stuff to Bunuel. It's lazy! Even when true, as in the first example, it's lazy. You may say that I seldom keep such promises. I know I have fallen off the wagon and used the word "great" quite a bit, though I believe I have been more successful with my ban on "professing delight," and I think that with the support of my family and friends I can stop making superfluous references to Bunuel all the time. (Pictured, Dick van Dyke, the star of COLD TURKEY.)

NPM

Speaking of National Poetry Month, I should have included a "link" yesterday to the work of brand new Pulitzer Prize winner and "blog" acquaintance Natasha Trethewey. Well, I did, sort of. If you "click" on one of the "links" in that former "post," you will be taken to another "post," and if you "click" on the correct "link" there, you can see Ms. Trethewey reciting one of her poems in a wonderful little filmed presentation. But that is too much work for the likes of you, the busy "blog" reader! So here I will provide a "link" to another Trethewey poem. You know, I didn't even know it was National Poetry Month when I "linked" to yet another poem a little while back. I guess poetry is just in the air. Yes, that's probably what that smell is. Poetry. Breathe it in!

Books Are For Squares

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution has decided that it really doesn't need to have articles about books anymore, because books are for squares. Well, I'm just guessing at their rationale, don't quote me. Maybe they read a certain poem by Philip Larkin, which I present here (via this "link") in honor of National Poetry Month, which apparently this is, though somebody forgot to tell me.

Greetings, People of Little Rock

Guess what? I'm going to be on a panel at the Arkansas Literary Festival this weekend. Come out and say hi. Noted author Tom Franklin and I will be on the same panel, in fact. And before that we're driving in to Little Rock together, for the last four hours or so of the trip. What we should do is a live "podcast" or "webcast" of our awesome car ride together, full of literary nuggets of advice and complaining, but we don't know how to do that. We're old men.

Ornette Coleman

Speaking of Pulitzer Prizes, I suppose that our one-time nemesis (before we calmed down) the famous intellectual is feeling pretty "put out" today, thinking of Ornette Coleman and his Pulitzer Prize. I mean, if the famous intellectual TRULY considers the elegant and magisterial Sonny Rollins to be "unlistenable," as he claimed on C-Span 2, we can only imagine the shudders that pass through his poor old body when Ornette Coleman starts laying down some crazy free jazz. Well, we have a real soft spot for Mr. Coleman ourselves. Just the day before yesterday, in fact, by sheer coincidence, we were listening to his COMPLETE SCIENCE FICTION SESSIONS. So we're happy. But we do not wish to gloat at the expense of the famous intellectual, who is no doubt lying on a cot now with something cool pressed to his forehead.

Good

Wow! Now I can say I've eaten with a Pulitzer Prize winner at the Bama Grill! Thanks to the eagle eye of "blog" contributor Jeff McNeil, who recognized her picture in the New York Times today as the same one we "posted" a few months ago, we can confirm that "blog" acquaintance Natasha Trethewey just won a Pulitzer for poetry. This is a big deal! And she deserves it.

We Take It All Back

We woke up this morning full of big, important realizations about how the famous intellectual who made us sad last night would not - we assume - require Beethoven, for example, to provide him with a toe-tapping good time, and the unspoken, rather unsettling implications of that fact... and then we recalled that Sonny Rollins does not need us to take up for him! All he has to do is blow one or two notes on his horn, and all arguments cease. Also, opinion has no place on a "blog"! We were intemperate. We should not have allowed our love of Sonny Rollins to get us "riled up" at the famous intellectual. It is none of our beeswax what music the famous intellectual enjoys or disdains! To each his own! This is what the music of Sonny Rollins has taught us! From now on we vow only to "blog" when our favorite fork gets stuck in a drain, and so on, and to leave opinion and speculation on C-Span 2, where they belong.

C-Span 2 A Mixed Blessing?

After all my distress over C-Span 2, and its happy resolution, I must say I saw something on C-Span 2 just a little while ago that filled me with a strange sadness. It was a famous intellectual author who called Sonny Rollins "unlistenable" -- seemingly because Mr. Rollins has dared to be, in the famous intellectual's estimation, well, intellectual, like the famous intellectual author. The poor old fellow can't tap his toes to Sonny Rollins, he claims! Maybe he should try harder! But no, his argument seemed false to me. He seemed to say that only highly cultured professional musicians could enjoy Sonny Rollins... and that the sort of complex, supposedly "unlistenable" music made by Mr. Rollins is a sign of decadence in the arts. It is hard to explain why, then, as a teenager in Bayou La Batre, Alabama, I was so taken with Mr. Rollins' cut "Blue 7" that I went out and bought every Sonny Rollins album I could find. I was no jazz expert. This was the first jazz I had heard! And it is impossible for me to believe that the poor, dumb teen that I distinctly recall being was so much more advanced and culturally decadent than the famous intellectual is TODAY, after all his globe trotting and drinking expensive wine with the queen and being on C-Span 2. The famous intellectual tried to get Duke Ellington in on his argument, as an exemplar of the toe tapping good times that he seems to regard as the only reason for music's being, ignoring the fact that Mr. Ellington played with John Coltrane (the primary recipient of the intellectual's scorn), Max Roach, Mingus... and that Monk, for example, was a careful student of Ellington... and I think that Ellington - always a searching and curious musician - probably even picked up a thing or two from Monk as he went along. Perhaps the famous intellectual brings all this up in his book and wryly dismisses it as balderdash. Why is my dander up about this? My dander is usually not up! Especially on the "blog" for all to see. Finally, what if -- and it IS NOT true -- but what IF only serious musicians could understand and enjoy Coltrane and Rollins? So what? Don't they get something they can enjoy, too? I believe I'm actually losing sleep over C-Span 2. It's supposed to PUT me to sleep! Well, that last remark was unkind to C-Span 2, and not even the truth. But Sonny Rollins is "LISTENABLE"! Listen!

Nutty

After MILDRED PIERCE was over, we turned off the DVD player and on came the TV as if by magic, tuned to TCM. Came in midway through the transformation scene in the original Jerry Lewis version of THE NUTTY PROFESSOR. Let me tell you, yanked out of context like so, the transformation scene in THE NUTTY PROFESSOR is as disturbing, disorienting, and surreal as Bunuel... Jerry's face blue then red then fish belly white as he writhes in splatters of primary colors and his mynah bird grows a human head... and the two scenes after that definitely inspired some Scorsese techniques in GOODFELLAS... first the camera POV stuff and fluid tracking as everyone marvels at the transformed Jerry, then the crass and complete intimidation with which Jerry takes over the bar (a la Pesci, or any number of Scorsese would be smoothie thugs). And the colors in the bar scene most assuredly inspired Godard's PIERROT LE FOU. Two more plusses for THE NUTTY PROFESSOR: "blog" "fave" Stella Stevens AND one of the greatest character names ever devised in any medium: Buddy Love. Jerry! Lewis! Yeah!

Sweet Sap, Shady Sleaze

MILDRED PIERCE is on. Theresa's watching it for her class. She's going to show those lucky kids choice scenes from MILDRED PIERCE, DISCLOSURE, and 9 TO 5. But anyway, watching MILDRED PIERCE gets us to thinking about Jack Carson, one of our favorite actors in the Pendarvis Building. Mr. McNeil and I have discussed his virtues several times, generally agreeing that any movie with Mr. Carson in it is worth watching. He was typecast, but not as the usual single character over and over. He would play either a sweet, vulnerable, dimwitted sap OR a shady, carnivorous sleazeball con man. He could do either one! And I believe those are virtually the only two roles he ever played, direct opposites. In MILDRED PIERCE, he's on the creepy side. But he was ideally suited for the former kind of part as well. What a strange kind of versatility. Go out and rent a Jack Carson movie today. And tell 'em the"blog" sent you!

The Stomping

We now bring to a sad and untimely conclusion one of the many "threads" of the "blog." Jeff McNeil has suffered - unfairly, we in the Pendarvis Building believe - at the hands (feet?) of the Maryland Grape Growers Association. Not only did they reject his novel in an excoriating and detailed letter, they (to quote Jeff) "even wrote on the copy they returned... smashing me like a grape."

Plummy Is A Word

Today I was using the word "plummy" in a short story and my "spell check" refused to recognize it. You know, "spell check" recognizes Elvis but does not recognize Sinatra. I would like someone to write a scholarly paper on the social, political, or cultural agenda of "spell check."

Et

Dr. "M." has taken the trouble to confirm that Juliet on LOST does indeed spell her name in the conventional manner. We are distressed! We do not wish to start some wild "fact checking" trend at the "blog." We cannot overemphasize our pervading feeling that there should be no "facts" on the "blog." From now on we will spell that name any way we like. Maybe with a "G"! As in the great Italian actress Giulietta Masina (pictured, unless The "Man" takes the picture away). Dig all the extra letters! And the Italians probably came up with it first! We must mention - we thought about it yesterday and kept mum - that one of our favorite Lou Reed songs of all time (and that's saying a lot, because he has written and performed a lot of our favorite songs) is "Romeo Had Juliette." If it's good enough for Lou Reed...

Festival

Oh yes, and we learned today that "The Pipe," a short film in which we have a personal interest, has been accepted at The Maryland Film Festival. Now as far as we can tell, we have not yet been added to the official "internet" schedule of either that festival or the other one we mentioned recently. But all this is coming straight from the director, and he should know! Shouldn't he? Anyway, the Maryland Film Festival takes place in Baltimore, so we like to fantasize that our imaginary friends Laura Lippman and David Simon will attend with the entire cast and crew of THE WIRE. It could happen!

"Blog" Celebrates 600th "Post"

The celebration was muted today as an accountant at "Blog" Industries duly noted the appearance of "Mustache Trouble," an otherwise unremarkable trifle that happened to be the 600th "posting" on The Place Where Jack Pendarvis Has a "Blog." "It's hard to get worked up about it," said an anonymous source. "It's just so fast on the heels of our 500th 'post.' I guess none of us can believe it's really happening. We made it in record time. In one way, hooray, I guess. In another way, it's depressing. It's just depressing."

Mustache Trouble

Earlier today we spelled mustache like this: "moustache," the way we have been spelling it for several decades without thinking twice. Well, sir, the "spell check" told us we were wrong. Yet later, when we looked it up, our dictionary proclaimed "moustache" an acceptable variation. Still, we quaked in our boots at the authority of the "spell check." Why? From now on, we are going back to "moustache." And in fairness to Dr. "M.," I should admit that I found the image of that LOST person in the earlier "post" by searching for "Juliette," using Dr. "M.'s" variant spelling, however brazenly I ribbed her about it. I've learned a lesson or two today! All about being myself and sticking up for what's right!

Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner: Uh-oh!

We were hoping to end Friday the 13th with a perfect 13 "posts," but something has just come over the transom that cries out for immediate dissemination. Dr. "M" has taken umbrage, yes, we are not afraid to admit that umbrage is what she has taken at our brash quibbling of earlier today. We can do no less than allow her to justify herself in her own fiery words: "I beg to differ with the blogger's bracketed rebuttals to my assessment," she writes, just getting warmed up. "First off," she continues, "the final look of Juliet (or ette, if you will--I do!) [Ouch! replies the "blog," allowing itself a set of brackets] was not one of evil but of indifference, in my humble opinion. She doesn't care about The Others or...what would be the word for these island folks if they aren't The Others?? The Ones?? (discuss...)...Anyway, she only cares about herself and getting home, thus the characterization of the Lone Vigilante. If I am wrong, I will drink two Buttery Nipples in less than 2 seconds. (For those of you who enjoy said Nipples, you will know that this is not as arduous of a task as I make it out to be! Yum!) I still thinks she wants to 'do it' with Jack--as implied in her 'Nude Eating Ice Cream' scene, she does like to 'frolic.' [The "blog" breaking in again. Does it strike anyone else that Dr. "M." has taken to "lampooning" our "style"?] I digress... [continues, elliptically, Dr. "M."] in response to another comment made, was it ever really proven until this episode that that had not orchestrated certain traumatic events? When those events happened, we knew that they were 'surprised,' but I had always thought they knew it was coming...but perhaps not 'when.' ??? On another note, I am not yet ready to divulge my SECRET thoughts on THE SECRET. I get very worked up about it, and that is not good for anyone, even Matthew Fox!" The "blog" stands bested... and a little hurt that Dr. "M.," in her fury, did not mention how we personally thanked the purveyor of her favorite commercially available chicken salad.

Ding Ding Ding!

We are both sad and happy to report that today, Friday the 13th of April, 2007, now holds the record for most "posts" "posted" on the "blog" in a single day. Thirteen of them, in fact! No, sad was right. We're sad.

Look What They've Done To My "Blog," Ma

The "Man" has already taken away my picture of James Agee. That's okay. I figure The "Man" will always take what he wants and there's nothing I can do about it. No hard feelings, The "Man"!

Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner: Dr. "M." "Loses" It!

Ha ha! We put "loses" in "quotation marks" because this "post" deals with the TV show entitled LOST. Also, it is kind of a pun, as we believe that Dr. "M.," usually so lucid in her LOST interpretations, has "lost" her "marbles"! Or perhaps that is too "harsh"! But judge for yourself, with this week's edition of Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner. (Note: As usual, we have heavily edited Dr. "M.'s" remarks to prevent "spoilers" for persons who have not yet had a chance to see the most recent episode of LOST). And now, we turn things over to Dr. "M.," who writes: "Is it just me or does LOST get better and better? Those writers really heeded our impassioned cries for 'more answers, more answers'! Now we are being bombarded with such information--I can barely keep up. But what I do know after the episode on Wednesday night is [here Dr. "M." includes some information that we are pretty sure we found out earlier this season, but just to be safe we are editing it out. However, this is the first sign that something is not quite right with Dr. "M.'s" analysis.] The other question that was raised: Juliette--evil??? Of course not, people! [Here again, we must differ with Dr. "M." First of all, is that really how you spell that name? Second of all, didn't Dr. "M." see the last scene? Not to give anything away, but we believe that the scene had "evil" written all over it.] As a lone vigilante [Dr. "M." continues with another dubious characterization], she is now determined more than ever to get off that island ...no matter what it takes. She must, must, must get back to her ********** ******** *** *******--remember how she impregnated her sister? (Not the old-fashioned way, you sickos out there!) But this will mean leaving Jack behind and having to miss out on hot *** with Matthew Fox. Boo hoo for her, I say! But don't despair--maybe she will get in one good romp before her flight home. We can only hope!" Dr. "M." then adds cryptically, "On another topic, have you seen THE SECRET? One word--don't." This is Dr. "M.'s" second mention of said "Secret," a subject about which we are woefully uninformed. We can only hope that Dr. "M." will begin to file reports under the rubric Dr. "M.'s" Secret Korner. Coming soon, we suspect!

I Lied

Contrary to what I said a few moments ago, I have one final "post" about the party last night. When I ran into Jamie Allen there, he began telling the unfortunate young woman who had stumbled into our range not only about our artificially inflated and deeply meaningless dispute, but about all the jolly "blogging" we had done on the subject. A true party killer! Beware, young "bloggers"! There is perhaps nothing sadder than two "bloggers" talking about each other's "blogs" in front of a rightly uninterested third party at a social function. Nothing sadder... except, perhaps, when one of them (I, for example) says, "And now we can 'blog' about this conversation tomorrow!" Sad... and sadder still when one does so, as I am doing now. Gosh, I've given myself a lot to think about.

The Best For Last

Okay, I've only got one more "post" about the party in me. So, the young woman to whom I referred in my most recent "post"... would it alarm and surprise you to know that her husband owns the Brickstore Pub? Yes, the very same Brickstore Pub which dispenses Dr. "M.'s" (formerly Agent "M.") very favorite chicken salad in the city! I was introduced to this gentleman and had the extraordinary privilege of thanking him in person on behalf of Dr. "M." for his delicious chicken salad. He accepted graciously, and remarked in a most flattering manner that he believed he recognized my name. "It was a huge banner headline," he claimed. "It was in some magazine or newspaper. A huge interview." I was dumbfounded and amazed, as I spend the majority of every day "googling" myself when I am not busy "blogging," and I felt sure I would know if such a mammoth interview or profile existed. It turned out, in the end, that he was thinking of my "blog," which he had noticed because I mentioned his pub and its chicken salad. Oh, the circular nature of "blogging"! A veritable Ouroboros of sorts, wouldn't you say? Dear me! We all had a good laugh at the idea of human frailty and then we went home.

Premium "Blogging"

So, at this party, Jamie Allen was chatting with a young woman. She was introduced to me as the owner of Twain's, a bar in Decatur, Georgia. I remarked that I had been in her bar on a single occasion. Theresa and I were on our way to a midnight showing of BLAZING SADDLES with our friends Doug and Dewayne. There was some time to kill, so we ducked into Twain's for a refreshment before the movie. Suddenly the TV over the bar interrupted its regular programming to report the terrible events surrounding the passing of Princess Diana. We absorbed the news and eventually we paid our tab and went to see BLAZING SADDLES. After I regaled all present with this tale and its many subtle layers of tragedy and comedy, the young woman reported with some surprise that she had been working that very night, and that odds were good she had waited upon us. Now it was very unusual at the time, or so I believe she implied in the festive din, for her to "take a shift." So WHAT A REMARKABLE COINCIDENCE, wouldn't you say? Meeting again after all those years? This is "blogging," people, plain and simple. Like it or lump it, this is "blogging" at its finest and most elemental! "Blogging"! (Pictured, Slim Pickens [left] in BLAZING SADDLES. You may also remember him from PAT GARRETT AND BILLY THE KID, RANCHO DELUXE, DR. STRANGELOVE, and other films.)

Mr. Vonnegut

We just learned from Jamie Allen's "blog" of Mr. Vonnegut's passing. This is sad news indeed! And it is really sort of sad that we learned about it from Jamie Allen's "blog." Yesterday we consumed with some relish an interview with Mr. Vonnegut "posted" on the McSweeney's site, but we did not put 2 and 2 together, even though it apparently says "In Memory of Kurt Vonnegut" right there at the top of the page. Goodbye, Kurt Vonnegut!

Party Mustache

Who did I spy at last night's shindig but Jamie Allen? I pretended not to recognize him! Oh, how we chuckled warmly over that example of my crystalline wit. For you see, there is a whole long story about another time that Jamie thought I did not recognize him! The reason for my supposed snub, in Jamie's febrile brain, was the mustache he has recently grown, and which, he seems to believe, has given him the power of Lamont Cranston to cloud men's minds. It must be admitted that his mustache seemed to have "morphed" since the last time I saw it, growing two tiny muttonchops of its own. I know I am using the term "muttonchops" incorrectly, but I'm painting a verbal picture, okay, a verbal picture that has worn me out and rendered me incapable of typing for the moment. More shortly.

Correction

BOEING, BOEING aired on TBS at 1:05pm EST, April 13th, 1983, not April 12th, 1983, as previously reported. The "blog" regrets any inconvenience caused by our error.

Pia's Composer Korner: The Long Awaited Return

Welcome back to Pia's Composer Korner, our all too occasional feature by guest-"blogger" Pia Z. Ehrhardt. She classes up the joint! Today's reflection from Ms. Ehrhardt is on the subject of a particular piece by... oh, we'll just let her tell you in her own words: "It has become that time of the year when you listen to Samuel Barber's Knoxville Summer of 1915, which he wrote in 1947, and you wait for Eleanor Steber's voice to soar and plead when she sings 'One is my mother who is good to me.' James Agee's text struck a chord with Barber whose father was critically ill when he wrote this. This may be the most beautiful piece ever written about a family sitting on quilts under the stars." Pia included a "link" to the piece, I believe, but I couldn't make heads nor tails of it (the "link," I mean, not the Barber) because I'm just that way. (Pictured, James Agee.)

I'm Very Disappointed In You

Well, a week has gone by now, and we have had not one single complaint about the lack of a picture of Lizabeth Scott "posted" on the "blog." Not one single complaint! We don't know what the world is coming to. Something awful, seems like.

The View From Barry's House

Barry B. seemed at great pains to explain why he had been watching THE VIEW that day. Or not really WATCHING it, as he would like to make clear! It seems as if he had just settled in to feed his baby a bottle when he realized -- TOO LATE! -- that the TV was tuned to THE VIEW. He believes he has finally figured out why he sees THE VIEW so often. "Is it on the same channel as LOST?" he asked last night. I confirmed that it was. Mrs. Barry B. enjoys watching the LOST program on Wednesday night, which is why Barry often catches some of THE VIEW on Thursday morning. We hope this clears things up.

Big Crazy Party

We have only just recently returned, really, from a big party on the roof of the Metro Atlanta Chamber of Commerce. We wish we could explain why! But it is a complicated affair, not easily condensed into "blog" form. We did, however, manage to glean several "bloggables" as we wandered to and fro, "moving and shaking," as Theresa called it. The party was tossed by the man who hates "blogs," and for that reason it was strange to see so many people there of such importance to the "blog"... many of whom we know in separate aspects of our lives, but had never expected to see together. Why, there was Barry B., and a member of Hubcap City, and the man who owns our neighborhood bookstore, and the Esquire feature writer Tom Junod, and the "Blog" Brother-In-Law, who kindly and casually began to call me Batman, thus cementing our already strong familial bond. But I can see that this party calls for "paragraph breaks," which I still have not mastered, so perhaps if I tell you more I will divide it into convenient chunks. You know, we tend to barricade ourselves in the Pendarvis Building. We are not "partygoers." And yet, how rife with "blogging" materials such functions are! We have learned our lesson! Parties for all!

Today's Weather: Eerie!

Welcome once again to our popular recurring feature "Today's Weather," in which we discuss today's weather. Jeff McNeil, who has been keeping the same notebook for over a quarter century, writes in to remark that 24 years ago TODAY, he recorded the movie BOEING, BOEING, starring Tony Curtis and Jerry Lewis, from its 1:05pm showing on TBS. Next year we're planning a big 25th anniversary celebration. McNeil goes on to say that the weather that day (April 12, 1983) was "eerily similar" to the weather today. Eerie!