Further Reflections From the Man Who Says "Palimpsest"

Remember that part of "A Midsummer Night's Dream" when Hippolyta asks Theseus why he wants to see the bad play instead of the good one? And Theseus replies: "Where I have come, great clerks have purposed to greet me with premeditated welcomes; where I have seen them shiver and look pale, make periods in the midst of sentences, throttle their practised accent in their fears and in conclusion dumbly have broke off, not paying me a welcome. Trust me, sweet, out of this silence yet I pick'd a welcome; and in the modesty of fearful duty I read as much as from the rattling tongue of saucy and audacious eloquence. Love, therefore, and tongue-tied simplicity in least speak most, to my capacity." Remember that? Well, I ran into the Man Who Says "Palimpsest" at Snackbar last night and he brought it up. We were discussing our shared admiration for ALL THAT HEAVEN ALLOWS, and moreover for director Douglas Sirk's pronouncement about the relationship between high art and trash. Shakespeare was expressing an astonishingly modern sentiment related to Sirk's, thought the Man Who Says "Palimpsest." (Though no one could accuse Sirk of simplicity, tongue-tied or otherwise, I think.) Anyhow, you ought to talk to the Man Who Says "Palimpsest" sometime. Because that's the kind of stuff he talks about in a bar. After a few drinks! (Pictured, a particular scene under discussion last night.)

Just As Predicted, I Seem Crazy

See? The youtube videos are back to normal and I seem crazy for mentioning it. Told you!

What Are Computers?

Is it just me, or have all the embedded youtube videos turned into blank screens? Is that just my computer? I don't understand computers. What are they? Assuming everyone is seeing the same thing I am (blank screens where stills from embedded videos should be), my question is why? Is it on purpose? Did youtube plan it? Am I supposed to be learning something? Is it punishment? Is it a glitch? Is it temporary? Pretty soon will I look crazy? Is it happening to everybody? Am I the only one who has noticed? Because blank screens aren't any fun to look at. I mean, are they? Maybe they are! Maybe they're the best thing ever. And the video shows up when you press "play," but still. What's there to tempt you to press "play" now? A blank screen? Nobody is drawn to a blank screen. Or is someone? How am I supposed to know? I'm a lummox. Does anybody know what I'm talking about? Yes? No? No? Was that a no?

The Cat Sighs

Are Phil's pie recommendations really something to "blog" about? Apparently! And the only other thing that happened today was that I stubbed my toe. Oh, and the cat sighed. Sometimes the cat sighs. Is that normal? I guess so!

Phil's Pie Korner

"I had many pies to eat in Portland last week: guava, peanut-butter-and-chocolate-chip, vegan franks and beans, etc. There's a fantastic fried pie food cart called Whiffies at which I became a (short-term) regular." So reports Phil via email. The last time we heard from him, the subject was also fried pies. I believe we have just successfully inaugurated our newest regular feature, "Phil's Pie Korner." And remember, when in Portland, why not stop by Whiffies? Tell 'em "Bloggy" the "Blog" Mascot sent you.

Barry B. to Dr. "M.": Check Out Meatballs 4!

Leave it to Barry B. to offer a positive "fix" for Dr. "M.'s" recent disappointment with Chris Makepeace. He writes on the subject: "Perhaps Dr. M should jump ahead a couple of numbers to Meatballs 4 with Jack Nance [pictured] and the inimitable Corey Feldman. Feldman makes his entrance by jumping out of an airplane and skiing down to the camp, or something like that. I remember him coming down from the Heavens. And I believe he does a Michael Jackson dance routine in that movie, too."

"Actor Bits" with Dr. "M."

"I didn't want to sway your readers before, but here's the truth," writes Dr. "M." It turns out her last edition of "Actor Bits" - about MEATBALLS star Chris Makepeace - was seething with subtext! As evidence, Dr. "M." goes on in her note to dispense some of her famous vitriol in the direction of the then-young performer, whose chops, she feels, were no match for "the superbly comedic Bill Murray" (pictured), with whom he appeared in the film. Dr. "M." says she found herself yelling like so at the TV this weekend: "C'mon, Makepeace. Act! Enunciate!" Her yelling went unheeded by the characters on the screen, she reports. At least she didn't say, "He has mounted his hind legs and blown crass vapidities through the bowel of his neck."

Tell Us What You Really Think, Ambrose Bierce

Meanwhile, Maud Newton offers something of interest about Oscar Wilde. Man, I thought I had received some terrible reviews, but here's Ambrose Bierce on Wilde: "He has mounted his hind legs and blown crass vapidities through the bowel of his neck." Jeepers!

A Good Excerpt About Charles Portis

Why not visit the McSweeney's site today? They are presenting an excerpt you should read about Charles Portis, a writer from whom I have striven unsuccessfully to steal so much.

Partly Cloudy With a Chance of Deliciousness

Some people are supposedly manufacturing clouds that drop ice cream on the world instead of snow. They should get together with this guy! Remember that guy? Then they could mass-produce their magic clouds in the shape of ice cream cones. (I found out about the ice cream clouds from therumpus.net, which also had a hand in our last cloud report.)

More Celebrity News From Dreamland

Hey, remember when I told you my dream and you didn't care? Here's another one, hot off the pillow. Last night I dreamed Drew Barrymore said to me, "I have something for you to put in your next book." And I was like, "Okay." I thought it was going to be an exciting Hollywood story! But Drew Barrymore produced a sheet of paper that was covered with words in an extremely tiny font. The first word of the first sentence was "Shriven." That's all I can remember. Drew Barrymore wasn't wearing makeup in the dream, I noticed.

What My Wife Points Out

Theresa points out that I have begun absently singing like this a lot: "doodle doodle doodle." The other night I did it at a dinner party! Maybe I'm doing it right now! Doodle doodle doodle. There's a chance I might go crazy.

I Invented Twitter

It occurs to me that I invented Twitter when I used to "post" things about hurting my finger back in 2006. Or how about this classic from 2007? Pure Twitter, people! When did Twitter come around? No, don't tell me. I want half the money. Speaking of Larry King's Twitter account, guess what? Larry King's wife made a couple of mix tapes for Colin Powell!

Tragic Return of the Middle Finger

Hey, remember when I hurt my middle finger on November 26, 2006? It's hurting again!

Sorry, New Monkey

Know what people hate? Other people's dreams! But so what? Last night I dreamt that Barry B. and I went on a fishing trip and found an unopened bottle of gin that predated the Civil War. In the dream, which was long and realistic, I had an entire other life. I taught high school and lived in a trailer. Also, I watched a Scarlett Johansen movie that doesn't really exist. It was a long, boring movie, and in a large portion of the dream I just sat there in my trailer and watched it. Scarlett Johansen was a tough runaway who had made friends with the formerly snobbish daughter of a wealthy family. The wealthy family didn't approve! While I watched the boring movie, I was waiting for the guy to whom the bottle of gin rightfully belonged. I had figured it out through cryptic markings on the package and contacted him. Finally, he came over and picked up his bottle of gin. He was an antiques dealer. In news from the actual waking world, a new monkey has been discovered. That's what the newspaper said! But I need to go now. Look it up for yourself.

My Darlin' Annotations

About the "post" featuring the 29th entry in our famous series of Beach Boys covers: that version of "Darlin'" encapsulates everything great AND crummy about the "internet." It's great when people play music in their houses and I'm glad they can put it up on the "internet." It gives the "internet" a warm familial feeling! But it's crummy that the guy got 32 views and one jerk among those 32 or so people felt the irresistible urge to rate the guy with "one star." WHY? Why go to the trouble? I thought he did a perfectly nice job... and even if you disagreed, WHY PICK ON HIM? That is how the "internet" makes me sad. One other thing. While I was searching around on the youtube I came across this band (who are obviously professionals, so they can't be included in our big project) covering the "Pet Sounds" instrumental from the album of the same name and I thought it was interesting so here it is. Hey, guess what, I have a huge deadline and am supposed to be working. Ha ha ha! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!

No Darlin' - Yes Darlin'

I'd like to put the Beach Boys song "Darlin'" in our great big catalog of every person on the "internet" singing every Beach Boys song. But there's a problem. As you know, I have set up many rules, such as "no professionals" and "no repeated songs" and lots of other rules, including "never the same performer twice." And the only people I can find singing "Darlin'" are this man ("click" here) and this woman ("click" there - hey, wait! I was wrong; she's doing "Wild Honey," which is from the same album, so I'm not completely crazy), and the former has already performed "Hang Onto Your Ego" for us, while the latter has done "Don't Worry, Baby." To make matters worse, the guy we had doing "Caroline, No" has taken down his video! In order to restore balance, I need to find someone else covering "Caroline, No" yet NOT count it in our running tally. So as you can see everything is hopeless. I hope you appreciate how hard it is to make a "blog"! Like, I know nobody is going to "click" on all these "links" and it makes me sore at heart. And one day youtube will go out of business and the "blog" will be nothing but a bunch of blank spots. Wait. I just found someone else singing "Darlin'." So forget everything you just read, except the part about how hard I work to make your life better and get nothing in return. Here then is the 29th entry in our popular series:

28

As promised:

27th "Internet" Beach Boys Cover

There it is, the 27th in our series of every Beach Boys song performed by every person on the "internet." And I've already picked out number 28, too!

Bookmarkin'! with Jack Pendarvis

It has been far, far too long since the last edition of "Bookmarkin'! with Jack Pendarvis," our in-depth online forum for the discussion of the free bookmarks given out by our nation's bookstores. Perhaps the lapse says less about our own negligence than the sorry state of the modern bookmark. Well, all that is about to change! I couldn't help but notice when I recently purchased the funniest book in the world (TALES DESIGNED TO THRIZZLE, VOL. 1 by Michael Kupperman) from Square Books that the bookmark slipped inside by the helpful cashier was heartier and earthier than usual. It was browner, too, and appeared to have interesting little flecks of stuff in it! I am guessing it is made of recycled paper. No matter its actual makeup, here is a bookmark that makes you feel like a regular guy - a crusty, assertive bookmark with a bracing hint of malice. On the small side, but certainly a step in the right direction for an otherwise exemplary store known for the ineffectualness of its bookmarks. Highly recommended.

LiterJerry Matters

I tried to hold it off as long as I could, but it is time to discuss more "Literary Matters," which of course are the worst kind of matters in the world. Everybody hates literary matters! And really, everybody is right. Sometimes I try to liven them up by tossing in some "LiterJerry Matters." Those are literary matters that involve Jerry Lewis. I believe there are a couple of those today. So - although not all of our literary matters are "LiterJerry Matters" - I will emphasize Jerry in the title of this "post" to make it more palatable as we all do our best to get through our five literary matters for today. 1) Sepsey alerted me to an interview that Mike Sacks did with the fancy comic book artist Daniel Clowes. In it, Clowes says of THE KING OF COMEDY: "Jerry Lewis was so amazing in that role: constricted, angry, very close to losing control." (It is also revealed that Clowes, like the "blog," is fascinated by Jimmy Olsen.) I had already read Mr. Sacks's interview with the great cartoonist Roz Chast. Both the Chast and Clowes interviews were conducted for - but not included in - AND HERE'S THE KICKER, a book in which Mr. Sacks talks to several humor writers about their craft. Naturally, I had to buy it to see if there were more Jerry references... and there were! In fact, I learned from AND HERE'S THE KICKER that Stephen Merchant and Ricky Gervais cite THE KING OF COMEDY as one of the primary inspirations for the humor in the original version of THE OFFICE, which they created. 2) It's a big week for THE KING OF COMEDY. The film, and Jerry's performance in it, is also praised in tomorrow's New York Times. I choose to think of this as a literary matter. A newspaper is sort of literary, right? 3) My new novel (SHUT UP, UGLY) comes out soon. (Jimmy Olsen makes an appearance in it, speaking of Jimmy Olsen.) I won't be visiting too many bookstores because I have an actual job now. But I have added an appearance at Square Books on September 2. Don't worry, I'll remind you closer to the actual time so you can make unalterable plans to be elsewhere. 4) Speaking of myself, remember when I told you that someone made a facebook "fan page" for me? I had nothing to do with it. It's very nice and flattering, and I am grateful. But it is called "Jack Pendarvis is Awesome," which is embarrassing for a number of reasons! I want to emphasize that the sentiment evident in the title couldn't be nicer or more appreciated, but I often worry that someone will think I had something to do with the creation and immodest naming of the page. And just that has happened! McNeil called to ask the very question! McNeil, my oldest friend! McNeil assumed I had named a page after my supposed awesomeness! So I wanted to remind everyone, and McNeil in particular, that as much as I love the idea - and the actuality - of the very flattering page, I did not create or name it, nor did I even know about it until someone told me. Okay! 5) I may have bought the funniest book ever made. It is called TALES DESIGNED TO THRIZZLE, VOL. 1, and was written by Michael Kupperman, whoever he is. All I know is, I cannot open a page and read it - any random page - without laughing aloud. On one such occasion, I laughed until I cried! Literally! So my advice to you is to seek out TALES DESIGNED TO THRIZZLE, VOL. 1, by Michael Kupperman. These have been your "Literary Matters." Goodbye forever.

"Actor Bits" with Dr. "M."

Welcome once more to "Actor Bits" with Dr. "M.," where our friend Dr. "M." doles out tiny little tidbits about her favorite actors. Today, Dr. "M." has this to say: "Chris Makepeace of 'Meatballs' and 'My Bodyguard'!" Does her cryptic fragment really rise to the level of a tidbit? Who can say? But if it's good enough for Dr. "M.," it's good enough for me.

What Is A Good Commercial?

My sister came over and we had a heated disagreement about the nature of Nutter Butter brand cookies. She was proven correct by the "internet"! A preliminary trip to youtube for answers provided none, but in the course of our search we did stumble across the unrelated ad presented below, which I recalled vividly from my youth. It seems that I am always complaining about commercials I don't understand - commercials advertising Jay Leno, Cheetos, a search engine, and so on - and only rarely, as in the case of the commercial for the handy money clip or a hardware store in Ohatchee, do I provide any POSITIVE example of the art. Well, the following one from my childhood was the greatest and most effective commercial ever, and if you don't understand why because you never wanted to be an astronaut, I guess we have nothing to talk about.

Media Report

Time for another timely media report! Today we will be looking at the media of old music videos and Jay Leno commercials. So, remember when I told you about the kids' show that Barry B. and I used to make and how the t-shirt from our show ended up in a popular music video? Well, in doing my research, I could not help but notice that though the music video came out 12 years ago (around the same time that our show got canceled) people still make numerous youtube comments about it EVERY DAY for some reason! Comments such as "lmao this song" and "The chillest song ever" and "This song is the most chill song ever" and "lol this is a song where no matter how repetitive it is, you can just go nuts and get pumped to it :D" - every single day, many, many people are moved to comment about the ancient music video! I was just surprised, that's all. What else? Last night I was watching a commercial for Jay Leno's forthcoming show, and you know how he makes fun of newspaper advertisements and other locally printed materials? He pays particular attention to typos and unintended double entendres. In the commercial, they show Jay Leno holding up a "children's menu" from a restaurant, and it bears a fanciful illustration of a monster with a child sticking out of its mouth. And Jay Leno, in the commercial, says something like (I'm paraphrasing), "Ha ha! This is stupid. It's supposed to be a children's menu but they show a monster with a child in its mouth." Well, see, now, I don't think it's fair to lump that children's menu in with the typos and unintentional double entendres that usually tickle Jay Leno so much. Obviously, the illustration is a playful take on the phrase "children's menu" - as if the fanciful monster would like a menu from which he could select a young person to gobble up! So what Jay Leno is doing in the commercial is really just repeating a joke that the children's menu illustrator already made. I am afraid Jay Leno is becoming too liberal in his definition of what constitutes a hilarious unintentional typo! This must be addressed at once.

Preparing to Administer a Beating

Also to be seen: this awesome photo of Amanda Stern about to beat somebody down! If this is not her next author photo, I will die.

So Many Haggard Clowns

Did you know that "Blog" Buddy Amanda Stern once traveled across Europe with Cirque du Soleil? Nothing this remarkable woman does would surprise me - yet this information surprised me. So I guess something she did surprise me, rendering the first half of the previous sentence obsolete. I was so excited to see some haggard clowns smoking cigarettes on Amanda's "web" site. Who wouldn't be? But then the photo essay shifted in tone - less Fellini and more Terrence Malick - and there began to be a lot of "nature shots." Don't get me wrong, I love nature! But I love haggard clowns even more. I made my preference known, and am delighted to report that Amanda has responded with lots and lots of photos of clowns exemplifying various degrees of tenderness and creepiness!

I Know Larry King Is Messing With Me

Look at this "post" from his Twitter account: "Of all the muffins, corn is my favorite." I firmly believe he has begun to parody people parodying him, and I'm not kidding! There is self-awareness in this muffin comment, I contend. In other news, I guess CNN is mad at Larry King for "posting" such things, and he has been forced to open a new Twitter account for his personal muffin revelations, etc.! This sort of sickens me. It makes me think that CNN does not understand Larry King at all. But here, I will "link" you to the new account, where I hope Larry King will keep going full blast. (PS: I apologize for "linking" to the site called TMZ because I find it somewhat distasteful... yet I must admit they are the only ones reporting this incredible story!)

Legend of the Legendary T-Shirt

Hey, remember when I was telling you about the kids' show that Barry B. and I used to make, and how Barry B. has reproduced some t-shirts from that old TV show, and how you could see from the picture I provided that the new t-shirts are blue? Well, the original version of the t-shirt (featuring the same Jon Langford design) was red and yellow (a red base, with Jon's artwork done up in yellow and smelling strongly of a poisonous chemical). And here is a little known trivia fact I would like to share with you. The original red-and-yellow Rudy and GoGo t-shirt (for that was the name of our show) appears for a split second in a music video for a song that was incredibly popular when it came out. "Click" here to find out what the song is! And where exactly does our T-shirt come in? Never have the words "blink or you'll miss it" been more literal. At, I think, the tail end of :32 or the very, very beginning of :33, you can freeze the frame. You will see a bald lady laughing on the right side of the screen. Her head is next to the chest of a man who is wearing the Rudy and GoGo shirt. Only because I am telling you would you ever be able to guess that it is the shirt from our kids' show. I guess if you were a character on one of those high-tech crime shows they have nowadays, you could "enhance the video" and see the whole shirt very clearly and possibly solve a crime. But until that day, you'll just have to take my word for it. (Pictured, GoGo saying "Hello!" to Paul Robeson on an episode of Rudy and GoGo.)

I Should Mention Eddie Marsan

I shouldn't bring up HAPPY-GO-LUCKY without mentioning Eddie Marsan. I am not saying he can ever replace Timothy Spall in that special part of my heart I reserve for "eccentric" British character actors who seem equally comfortable in Members Only jackets and waistcoats, but maybe I'm saying there might be room for one more.

The Great Big List of Jerry Lovers

Add NEW YORKER editor Richard Brody (who wrote a book about Godard I once famously thumbed through) to the great big list of Jerry lovers. Our man Sepsey found a spot on the "internet" where Brody compares the Mike Leigh film HAPPY-GO-LUCKY to HOLLYWOOD OR BUST and THE DISORDERLY ORDERLY, and writes of the lead actress (pictured), "Kudos to Sally Hawkins for channelling her inner Jerry Lewis."

The News

Please enjoy this funny (yet terrifying!) monkey footage I saw on the news tonight.

T-Shirt For Sale Or Not

Hey! Here is just one of the many reasons I worship Barry B.: He has printed up some t-shirts based on the kids' show we made, which was canceled like 12 years ago, if my math is correct! I am not sure whether he is merely sending them to friends or if they will be for sale. If they are for sale, I will let you know soon! Anyway, look. Artwork by the famous Jon Langford.

World Awaits Physical Evidence of Gigantic, Dazzling Moth

The NBIL recently saw "a hand-sized moth fluttering around the flood lights of [the] apartment parking lot (as moths tend to do)," according to a recent email. "It was all white (the color of fresh button mushrooms) and had long, flowing wings," the email continues. "I wanted to take a picture, but it flew out of sight before I could get the camera, and I haven't had any luck identifying it from pictures I've found online. It was the prettiest moth I've ever seen." Beauty is elusive, NBIL! But "hand-sized" - that's a very evocative description of a moth. "Fresh button mushrooms": also good.

Go, You Crazy Moths!

Some moths are "jamming the sonar" of bats so the bats can't find them and eat them. I read it in the newspaper!

Leszek Kolakowski and Unicorn Paraphernalia

I was just reading in the New York Times that the philosopher Leszek Kolakowski has died. Believe it or not, I was reading something by him just the other day, a book called METAPHYSICAL HORROR, and it made me think of the "blog" - not just because of the title! Kolakowski wrote: "For well over a hundred years, a large part of academic philosophy has been devoted to the business of explaining that philosophy is either impossible or useless or both." (Just what the "blog" tries to do about "blogging," I thought solipsistically.) Kolakowski went on: "Thus philosophy demonstrates that it can happily survive its own death: it keeps itself busy trying to prove that it has indeed died." He goes on to use Hegel, Hume, and Laurel and Hardy as examples, the latter pair of which endeared him to me at that moment. In an odd, not entirely direct way, this brings home how unfair I am to Larry King. So, I "knowingly" use my Twitter account to wink at the reader about how silly it all is. Big deal. In the end, there is absolutely no difference between my "smart" cracks about pudding and Larry King's "simple" statement about which kind of licorice he likes. And while I am at it, a grown man who "ironically" pretends to "like unicorns" ends up with exactly as much unicorn paraphernalia as a twelve-year-old girl who really does love unicorns - and probably enjoys it just as much. Think about it! It's what Leszek Kolakowski would want.

What Kind of Licorice Larry King Loves

Larry King loves black licorice but not red licorice. How do I know? His Twitter account told me!

My Brother & Some Famous People: A Retrospective

I'm really busy today. If you need something to do, why not check out some pictures of my brother with Anderson Cooper and MC Hammer and Leonard Cohen? And now imagine the four of them driving around in a convertible together. It never happened, as far as I know, but it would make a great movie, wouldn't it?

"Actor Bits" with Dr. "M."

Welcome once again to our exciting new regular feature "Actor Bits" with Dr. "M." It's the only place you can go on the "net" to find out what very short statements Dr. "M." has been making about various actors. Hot off the press, Dr. "M.'s" thoughts for the day, and here they are, word for word, just as we received them mere moments ago: "Let's not forget perpetual bully/bad boy Billy Zabka of Karate Kid and European Vacation fame! Cheers to you, Billy! Next week on Dr. M's tidbits: Adrian Zmed!" (The accompanying photograph is from Billy Zabka's wedding reception. Oh, "internet," you have everything!)

!

I don't know what to think. I think I think "!". All I know is I looked all day and this was obviously the one. Number twenty-six in our famous series ("click" for more information). And always remember: "!"

Real Good Scoopin'

I don't think the "web" site called the gawker (which, as you will recall, I discovered because of our shared interest in donuts and monkeys) is copying me, but I do believe we share some coincidental concerns. I recently "scooped" them pretty handily on two stories they reported today: the wienermobile crash and the one about how much the Pope loves Oscar Wilde. Oscar Mayer and Oscar Wilde! Two fine Oscars. So today we have had one "post" with Oscar Wilde and Oscar Mayer, and another "post" with Jerry Lewis and Jerry Springer. What can all this strange symmetry mean? Something about the end of the world is my usual guess.

Media Report

Time for another timely "Media Report." Today we look at the media of the Associated Press and Larry King's Twitter account. Our friend Sepsey sends an AP story about the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile crashing into somebody's house. No one was hurt, or we wouldn't even mention it. Still, it is no fun for the people involved, and we wish them well. Sepsey sent the story, we assume, because of the "blog's" thoroughly documented love of hot dogs and Wisconsin (where the incident took place). Quote: "Police said the driver was trying to turn the Wienermobile around in the driveway." Meanwhile, Larry King is tweetering again. He says, "I don't know why, but I could never get into yoga..."

The Lesser of Two Jerrys

As you know, I always give you a "heads up" when there's a Jerry Lewis reference in the New York Times. Today Jerry Springer invokes Jerry Lewis. I mention it because it happened. I don't feel as elated as usual.

Spader Time

Barry B. has noted Dr. "M.'s" creepy 80s Spader predilection, and writes in with a recommendation for her: "Tell Dr. M if she hasn't seen it she should check out a movie called The New Kids. Really creepy Spader and others. I think his hair is bleached blonde. Eric Stolz is in there, too. It's pretty trashy. It reminded me of a TV movie but with some pretty severe violence and ugly language. It came out the year before Pretty in Pink. IMDB plot line: 'A brother and sister arrive in a small town to help their relatives run an amusement park, and they find the town is terrorized by a local street gang.'" I think that says it all, Barry B.! I will alert the good doctor. (Pictured, a scene from THE NEW KIDS. Barry B. asks us to note Spader's bleached hair and generally delicate complexion.)

Pope Loves Martians, Oscar Wilde

Maud Newton uses her Twitter account in a different way than Larry King uses his! Remember when the "blog" revealed that the Pope is completely okay with Martians (I'm paraphrasing)? Now he's finally lightening up on Oscar Wilde, too, according to what I read thanks to Maud Newton's tweeterings.

"Actor Bits" with Dr. "M."

Dr. "M." has never been shy about expressing her opinions on popular actors in the form of manageably bite-sized observations. Who can forget her palpable anxiety about "the perpetual crook" in the neck of William Hurt? Or how much she loves Philip Bosco? With that in mind, welcome to the "blog's" newest feature: "Actor Bits" with Dr. "M." As for the subject of today's "Actor Bits," why don't we let Dr. "M." tell us herself? "I love any 80s movie with creepy ol' James Spader," writes Dr. "M." This has been "Actor Bits" with Dr. "M."

Onslaught of Unicorns Continues Unabated

Turns out "Bloggy" the "Blog" Mascot is also an artist! She sent me what appears to be a hand-drawn and hand-colored prancing unicorn on a large, sturdy sheet of construction paper. She sent it in the mail! As I cannot "scan" things or "take pictures" with a digital "camera," I will try to describe this magnificent object as best I can. 1) It is prancing. 2) It is bedecked with a garland of meticulously rendered posies. 3) Fleecy clouds abound. 4) The sun is shining. 5) The unicorn has long eyelashes. 6) The unicorn's tail is fancifully braided. 7) As one might reasonably expect, the unicorn is beribboned in lilac and pink. 8) The unicorn has a cartoon bubble coming out of its mouth, and the unicorn is exclaiming, "I love groundhogs and Jerry Lewis!" So, because I cannot show you the unicorn, I will do a "Google Image Search" using key words from the description above. Remember, the unicorn I find by such a method will not be nearly as good as the one "Bloggy" made. But it will have to do. Thanks, "Bloggy"!

It Can Be

Can this already be our 25th amateur Beach Boys cover song from the "internet"? And can it be "Kokomo" of all things for some peculiar reason? The answer to both questions is "yes."

This Is What That Was

That was the 24th entry in our popular series of everyone on the "internet" singing a different Beach Boys song.

B.B.B.B.

... which of course stands for "Barry B. on the Beach Boys." Barry B. writes, apropos of our Beach Boys cover song series: "Okay, I thought that Barbara Ann was my favorite (even though it is a cover of a cover) but I Get Around is pretty wild. These people are truly inspired. Are they singing the right words though? 'I get around. From town to town. I got real cool hair. And everything looks great.' Is that what they're saying?" Barry B., I have no idea! I'm just excited to be alive.

A Question of Obects

Larry King wonders via Twitter: "Why are objects in the rear view mirror closer than they appear?" Oh, he's back!

"Oh, Another Circle."

Today I drew a circle on the chalkboard to illustrate a point and I heard a student say, "Oh, another circle," and that's when I realized I have been drawing a lot of circles on the chalkboard lately.

Psalm 23

Here it is, the twenty-third in our series of Beach Boys covers from youtube. These people are going crazy!

News from the Bayou

President Obama has nominated Dr. Regina Benjamin, of my hometown of Bayou La Batre, for Surgeon General. Take that, everywhere that is not Bayou La Batre!

Apt!

Today on the "blog" of Andy Hopkins, he refers to Vienna sausage as "tubes of pale death in a can."

McNeil's Movie Korner

Welcome once again to McNeil's Movie Korner. McNeil is watching MARRIAGE ON THE ROCKS and sending texts from his cell phone. Here is a highly representative one: "U know whats good about Marriage on the Rocks? EVERYTHING!!!"

Fairly Often This Happened:

Also, Darrin was fairly often changed into a monkey in people clothes. Well, a chimp. But you know.

TV Unicorn Apology

"Sorry," writes my "internet" chum Pamela, before directing my attention to a picture of a unicorn. At least people are apologizing now! Pamela includes a "link" to a pretty crazily great "web" page where someone has gone to the trouble of cataloguing every animal that ever appeared on the sitcom BEWITCHED, which is precisely what the "internet" is for. In addition to the unicorn, there's this thing:

Truman Capote Appears On Local Countertop

Just back from a friend's house. Don't think I can reveal her name. But AN EXACT LIKENESS OF TRUMAN CAPOTE HAS APPEARED ON HER KITCHEN COUNTER! This is not a joke. It is FOR REAL 100%. He is posing in a jaunty manner with a cigarette, the smoke of which is curling upward. There are distinct eyes, nose, ears, mouth. This was witnessed - indeed discovered - by a producer of VERONICA MARS. And I have seen it for myself and can attest to its reality. I can say no more! I will try to get a picture of the countertop. In the meantime, please enjoy this actual photo of the actual Truman Capote.

This Homemade Number

As you know, I am a lot like Al Pacino in GODFATHER III. Just when I think I've stopped having pictures of unicorns on my "blog" THEY KEEP PULLING ME BACK IN! This slightly sinister homemade number appears courtesy of the girl who eats dry oatmeal. And with that, I am fairly certain that everyone who has "internet" access has sent me every picture of every unicorn on the "internet."

I Am Informed

"Carneys love unicorns," I was informed last night by the man who takes care of Faulkner's house. I had no idea! And then I got a facebook message all about holoprosencephaly and the gestation of sheep from the OBIL. I am the basin where all information and misinformation eventually comes to rest. (Pictured, a victim of holoprosencephaly who also happens to sport a single horn, not unlike a unicorn.)

Leave Them Monkeys Alone

Over on therumpus.net they are showing how it has been proven that monkeys don't like bad grammar! I am not explaining it correctly. Now, I am no scientist, but I believe what the study shows is that if you get your monkeys used to a particular thing and then your monkeys are all happy and relaxed and suddenly you throw something different into the mix, your monkeys will say, "Huh?" And why wouldn't they? Even the cats are confused if I move a piece of furniture. But that doesn't mean cats understand grammar! Let me repeat: I am not a scientist. Read the article for yourself, because I really have no idea what I am talking about. Sometimes I wish scientists would just leave monkeys alone.

How It's Going to Go

I am pretty sure I am meeting one of the producers of VERONICA MARS tonight. I am going to ask him a million questions about things he no longer cares about and probably barely remembers at this point, yes, I am going to ask him questions until he looks about for a large rock, tests its heft in his hands, and brings it at last to rest against my skull like in that short story by Raymond Carver, thereby terminating our conversation.

The Borgnine Presumption

... was a great Robert Ludlum novel. Ha ha! I never get tired of that joke. Because I'm a hack. So, Brian Z. wonders if the ernieborgnine on Twitter is, as he claims, THE Ernest Borgnine. I say, "Why not?" His tweeterings are about things like a successful trip to the dentist and watching HONG KONG PHOOEY with his grandson. If they are parody, they are the most benign and charmingly pointless parody imaginable. And Mr. "Borgnine's" writing style jibes completely with what I know of it from his preface to George "Goober" Lindsey's autobiography GOOBER IN A NUTSHELL, which was given to me by Mr. Ward as a birthday present some years ago. A representative passage: "Once, on my birthday, a great, big box was delivered to my door. I opened it up and inside was a huge, championship stuffed turkey, a gift from George. I still have that gigantic turkey in the Lincoln Room in my house. Another year George gave me a huge toy ape with a little toy baby kitten tucked around its shoulders. I take that ape everywhere I go. I’m gonna leave it to my grandkids one day. George is more than just a friend. He’s a hope. And he should be to everyone in the country and the world."