Robert Preston Bonanza

Seems like everybody wants to jump aboard the Robert Preston train! Mr. Ward writes in with his own Robert Preston memory: "In an effort to battle the Chicken Fat Epidemic of the early 70s, my grade school gym teacher in Morristown, New Jersey used to put on this Robert Preston record at least once a week and make us do calisthenics – many involving the inevitable Indian Clubs. According to the posts on youtube this was way more common than I ever imagined."

I Do

Support for SEMI-TOUGH (the movie of course, not the subsequent sitcom) keeps rolling in! My friend the Hollywood producer (who really exists, I promise!) calls Robert Preston's turn as Big Ed Bookman "one of the great supporting character performances of the 70s, in my humble opinion. But you know this already." I certainly do, Hollywood producer friend who really exists! I certainly do. (My friend sends a quotation from Big Ed he often uses in his daily life, unprintable on this "blog.") Pictured, Robert Preston, not in SEMI-TOUGH.

I Hate to Break It to You

Say, when I was doing a "Google Image Search" for that frame of Burt Reynolds in SEMI-TOUGH, I discovered that there was a 1980 TV series spun off from it, starring my old buddy D-Day from ANIMAL HOUSE, David Hasselhoff, and Markie Post. See? See what happens, kids? The 70s always become the 80s. There's nothing you can do about it. It's not fair, but that's the way it is. I'm telling you now so maybe it won't hurt as much.

You Heard Me

Lots of ice on the ground right now and it reminded me I have this picture of our house in the snow on Christmas morning. What's that? You don't want to see a picture of our house in the snow on Christmas morning? Then stop reading "blogs," jerk!

Woolly Momentum and Mohair Scarves

Say, did you know that "Blog" Buddy Megan Abbott OWNS a copy of SEMI-TOUGH? Writes she: "Oh, it's one of my favorite, favorites--one of those 70s comedies that just seems to run on its own woolly momentum, like Jules and Jim as directed by Blake Edwards. All that fun it has with EST is great, of course, but it's a movie sort of in love with itself and its own louche-ness, like Slap Shot or Willie and Phil, but it's a generous love. It's a love that's patient, and kind. Remember when characters in movies could be called free-spirited and that wasn't code for annoying pixie types with fabulous tans, cascading hair and mohair scarves? (what am I talking about?)" I have no idea, Megan! But I'm with you!

The 70s

Children, gather round and let old grandpa tell you a story. In the 1970s, when the biggest star in the world made a football movie, it would turn out to be a weird, rambling, captivating satire of... everything? ... costarring Robert Preston, Lotte Lenya, and Bert Convy, and practically the first thing you would see would be Brian Dennehy's rear end. And the name of that young man was... Burt Reynolds. And the movie was SEMI-TOUGH. And now you know... THE REST OF THE STORY. This is Paul Harvey.......... Good day! Oh 1970s, we didn't appreciate you when we had you! (Pictured, Lotte Lenya. Yeah, I know what I said.) See also.

No?

Do you want to read about the first time Dick Cavett got drunk? The New York Times can help! It was a bottle of Johnnie Walker Black that Jerry Lewis gave him. No? You don't want to read about that? Well, it's there if you want it.

The Veidt Stuff

Had enough Conrad Veidt for today? I DIDN'T THINK SO! I asked Barry B. (re: the previous Conrad Veidt "post") if the picture of Veidt that frightened him so as a child was the one in which Veidt is grinning and cross-eyed - because that one is terrifying! And Barry B. replied, "Yeah, it’s a straight-on shot and his shoulders are shrouded like he’s wearing a cloak or smock. It freaked me out which caused me to sit and stare at it for too long an amount of time." I hear you, Barry B.! I actually picked the least horrific shot I could find from THE MAN WHO LAUGHS for "blog" usage. The others are just too scary. I am sure that anyone who reads this "blog" knows this already, but Veidt's look in THE MAN WHO LAUGHS was the inspiration for the Joker in the old Batman comic books. Say, one of the many images I have described would make a great illustration for this "post," wouldn't it? Well, too bad! I am going back to my old "random illustration" rule, because my computer really is going to blow up. Steam comes out of it every time I add a new photo, and there's a faint chugging noise. So from now on, just old random recycled photos from the "blog's" glory days and nothing else! Nothing will make sense anymore, and you're going to like it. I grew weary of that promise before, and never turned back, and have added over 500 pictures since then, which is why my computer is really truly going to explode for real unless I mend my profligate ways.

"Blog" Mail "Bag"

Welcome once again to "Blog" Mail "Bag." Today's question comes from young Barry B. of Atlanta, GA. Writes Barry: "Isn't that a picture of Conrad Veidt you put up on the blog? 'Cause a publicity still of him from The Man Who Laughs freaked me out when I was a kid." Answer: Yes. Thanks for taking part in "Blog" Mail "Bag"!

Canonical!

It does my old heart good to know that McNeil assigned a viewing of the George Romero killer monkey movie MONKEY SHINES to his students last semester AND that WITHOUT KNOWING of McNeil's previous assignment, Dr. Theresa is discussing the very same killer monkey movie with her winter intercession students today. Move over, Jane Austen! There's a fresh new face on the syllabus... and it belongs to an adorable killer monkey!

Olive Garden

Saw this Olive Garden commercial where this grown man says, "It's just like being at the kids' table again!" And he says it with a big smile on his face, like he's proud. Like, "Look at me, I'm a huge diapered baby!" Like, "This is the condition to which I aspire!" Like, "There are no adults anymore!" Like, "The world is so great this way!" Like, "Wheeeeeeeeeeee!" It made me think of that phone commercial where the phone turns the guy into a baffled toddler and what a terrific selling point that is. Oh yeah, and then I saw a phone commercial where a guy texts really hateful things to his friend and neighbor - making fun of his home and his clothing - but he does it for really cheap because his phone has such a great "plan" that comes with it. And as the guy texts, he stands there grinning dumbly at his neighbor, like daring him to object. Really he's like a psychopath. Like, "I don't understand your human emotion." Honestly! It's a monstrous grin. A rictus! And the neighbor says to the crazy guy, quietly, "Look me in the eyes." The actor interjects pathos that the commercial does not acknowledge! There is a plea for humanity buried in there. A plea for humanity that the commercial finds stupid and amusing! The commercial is ON THE SIDE of the jerk with the phone, not on the side of the insulted neighbor. The commercial is like, "Buy this phone so you can be a jerk for cheap!" The commercial is like, "Hooray for jerks!" The commercial is like, "Hooray!" Say, did you know that Tom Franklin and I first met at an Olive Garden? That's a "'Blog' 'Fact'" you can clip and save! Trade with your friends. PS It was Mobile in the 80s, what do you want from us?

Fate Cannot Harm Me

Have you been looking for Jerry Lewis's recipe for Bavarian cream? Look no further! From Phil Oppenheim comes this precious "link." It's an article by Alan Scherstuhl, whom you may recall as the man who dug up the instructional booklet ENJOY YOUR PIGEONS. This time he goes from pigeons to doves. In the celebrity cookbook he has uncovered (that's a photo from it above), there's a recipe for "Doves Epicurean" including this declaration: "After the partaking of these fine-feathered birds done to such intoxicating perfection, the sportsman can say with the epicure, 'Fate cannot harm me, for I have dined today.'" Plus look for a cameo by "blog" fave Carol Lynley!

Central Time New Year

Dr. Theresa and I were home before midnight and we decided to turn on the TV to see if anyone was dropping anything locally or semi-locally, you know, the way they drop that big ball in New York City. Turned out the Hard Rock Cafe was dropping a guitar in Memphis. Now this was on our local PBS affiliate, and it was odd, because the "show" was mostly blatant, prerecorded advertisements for Beale St. businesses that seemed maybe (I don't know!) a notch above Applebee's in "authenticity." Some "expert" from the chamber of commerce or somewhere claimed that before Beale St. became refurbished with these (apparently) Applebee's type places, "The only place to hear music in Memphis was the lounge at the Holiday Inn." He really said that! Now I am no expert on anything, and maybe I misunderstood the guy, but I believe there has always been music in Memphis, very little of it at a Holiday Inn. One business owner was a guy named Silky Sullivan (Dr. Theresa kept calling him Silky Soft) but the name of his place is Silky O'Sullivan's, with an O thrown in. Silky Sullivan explained to an interviewer that he was named after a racehorse. Then, in a prerecorded segment, he sang his "theme song" ("When Irish Eyes Are Smiling") getting a lot of the words wrong. I guess the most exciting part was when they were going to drop the guitar. We cut to three hosts sitting around a cramped little table. One of them says (I will paraphrase slightly, probably), "I had the good fortune of speaking to the manager of the Hard Rock Cafe earlier today, and he explained that dropping the guitar from a height of one hundred feet in ten seconds requires split-second... what? They already dropped it?" That's right! While she was talking, they had dropped the guitar four or five minutes early! And we didn't even get to see it, not that seeing the guitar prematurely dropping would have given us much satisfaction, it having forfeited its function as a celebratory marker of the exact beginning of the new year, which was not to commence for several more minutes. So they cut to the scene of the already-dropped guitar, where, in Dr. Theresa's description, a few people were "shuffling around in the rain like zombies." Happy New Year!

The Man Can Draw a Piccolo

Say what you will about Jason Polan, the man can draw a piccolo! Just got my January BELIEVER magazine, and Mr. Polan illustrated my column with a wonderful picture of a piccolo. I always forget to tell you how great Jason Polan is. He is great. I don't think you can see his illustrations for my column on the "internet" so you need to take a look at the real live magazine. I haven't found a Jerry Lewis reference in this issue - yet! - but Greil Marcus mentions Bob Hope.

Actually, That's True

You know I don't care for the "internet" bookseller behemoth but just love the customer comments. Like, I was just thinking about MY DINNER WITH ANDRE and I looked over there on the behemoth and here is one review: "they hardly ate anything. a bite or 2 of each portion."

Shut Up

Another resolution I failed to keep was to bring monkeys back to the forefront of the "blog" where they belong in 2010. I quoted Clarice Lispector on the subject of monkeys, showed you a chimp on a Mekons album cover, and asked the musical question "Can it possibly be true that Sergio Leone illustrated a book about a monkey in a rocket?" A couple of times I mentioned chimpanzees using tools - but only to compare them unfavorably with crows! That's just five measly mentions in a year, and some of those are really chimpanzee references, and yes, I know that chimpanzees are not monkeys, so shut up. Shut up! Maybe this is why I don't "blog" about monkeys anymore. I hope you're happy now! You ruined the fun for everybody.

Goober Hat Debacle

Gosh, I was going to get everybody on the planet wearing Goober hats in 2010, and I forgot. I used to be ABOUT something, man! Too late now, I guess. OR IS IT? I think this is the first time I've even mentioned Goober hats in 2010. I'm such a loser. (Like so many of the "internet's" best Goober hat pictures, this one comes from a "blog" called "I'm Learning to Share.")

Let's Get Annotated!

Every year, as you well know, the "blog" advent calendar brings fun and enlightenment to young and old alike. The fuel it runs on is surprise, so it would ruin the "blog" advent calendar to explain anything about it until it is complete in its glory and has been enjoyed by one and all in the spirit of anticipation, wonder, and universal good cheer. But sometimes there are one or two items that might be enhanced with footnotes after the fact, and such is the case once again this year. Here are this year's "blog" advent calendar annotations, helpfully numbered according to their original placement on this year's "blog" advent calendar: 10. So Mary Worth was stalked in her eponymous comic strip and they made a coffee mug representing her encounter with her stalker. Okay! I found this one the night before I "posted" it, and here is the weird thing: when I found it, the mug cost $13.99. But THE VERY NEXT MORNING, when I "posted" it, the price had mysteriously gone up to $14.99! AND THAT'S NOT ALL! After I "posted" it, when I visited other "web" sites with advertising sidebars, OFTEN the Mary Worth stalker mug would be featured, probably thanks to "cookies" or some other innocent sounding, horrible "internet" thing I don't understand. Mary Worth's stalker was stalking me around the "internet"! In one case, the mug was advertised for the price of $19.99! I have no idea what this means, except that computers are spying on us, but we knew that. 11. This man has lots of ideas, including one I thought was mine! In my novel AWESOME, the title character - a giant who invents things - wants to construct a highway with grooves like LP grooves in it, and to have cars fitted with special tires that would play the music embedded in the highway, the way a phonograph needle plays a record. I thought I made it up! But I was shocked and sort of depressed to discover that this guy had already thought of it. He writes: "Carve computer-generated ripples in the surface of a main highway, and when vehicles pass over the surface, mysterious voices whisper, and distant music plays... Little sub-threshold voices which say 'Buy popcorn.'" His version requires no special tires. BUT GET THIS! He suffered a letdown too, because he in turn discovered that ROADS LIKE THIS ALREADY EXIST IN REAL LIFE! So I guess we are both suckers for thinking we are so great and everything. 21. You don't know who Charley Weaver is. Why should you? He was a folksy character created by the actor Clifford Arquette (grandfather to Patricia and Rosanna Arquette). Arquette (in character as Charley Weaver) was on HOLLYWOOD SQUARES with Paul Lynde. I want to say he sat on the bottom row, at the end, but I can't swear to it. The little automated Charley Weaver toy is great. In addition to making and drinking its little cocktail, and its nose turning red through special lighting effects, Mr. Ward says that smoke originally came out of its ears. Puzzling, though: the Charley Weaver persona did not involve Foster Brooks-like drunkenness as far as I can recall... certainly Charley Weaver would have never imbibed anything requiring the use of a cocktail shaker - more like a Mason jar. So the toy is weird in that regard. Let me also say that there is one of these behind the counter at the Ajax Diner, inert, and often have I stared at it and wondered about its function - a coin bank? - as I drank sweet tea and ate pot roast and butter beans at the bar. Now I know! 22. I didn't realize until my brother-in-law David sent me the video that the Lambton worm was such a big deal. I knew the song from the Ken Russell movie LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM, but if I thought about it at all, I stupidly and incuriously figured it was a fake folk song they made up to suit the needs of the plot. But man, there are so many versions on youtube! One guy sings it with his shirt off and possibly his pants off for all I know. The brother-in-law visited for Christmas. He walked into Square Books on Christmas Eve and by fate walked straight to a book about dragons containing a chapter on the Lambton worm. Have you ever noticed that whenever you start thinking about the Lambton worm he turns up everywhere? So I guess the Lambton worm is very popular and I never knew it. (I started this "post" last night but then I got too tired to explain who Charley Weaver was. It seemed soul crushing. Life is hard!) Pictured, Charley Weaver and LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM. See if you can figure out which is which!

The Rip Taylor Chronicles

Yesterday when we were discussing Rip Taylor, I shamefully neglected to mention that back in our TV days together, Mr. Ward, Kent, and I once worked with Mr. Taylor. As I recall, Mr. Taylor was out of confetti and Mr. Ward and I, as "the producers," were responsible for making sure that he had a fresh batch of a certain weight and grade... confetti that did not "linger in the the air" was, I believe, Mr. Taylor's requirement.

As Promised

Foreground: my brother. Background: Rip Taylor. God bless us, every one!

A Christmas Miracle!

My brother saw Rip Taylor on Christmas Day! While I wait for the photo, enjoy this one of Mr. Taylor with Greg Brady and Vincent Price - natch!

Stocking Stuffer

I hate to brag on Christmas Day but that's the kind of person I am. You know who Anthony Bourdain is! He is this guy. And I am on his "end of the year" "fave" list. The joke is on him, because I haven't done anything this year, or for the past several years. I just sit around feeling sorry for myself! It's fun! But I guess Anthony Bourdain likes it! I assume that reading me is like eating some secret and horrible part of a strange goat. Chef Bourdain kindly writes, "It’s never too late to catch up with anything and everything by Jack Pendarvis, Barry Hannah..." then he goes on to name several other people, including "blog" "faves" Charles Portis, Joan Didion, Charles Willeford, and so many more, luscious delicacies to my musky goat part. "Click" here to read the whole article for yourself. Thanks, Anthony Bourdain! You are nice! I'm just sitting here stuffing my own stocking.

"Blog" Advent Calendar For Dec. 25, 2010

As you will no doubt recall, this is the special day when all of our "blog" advent calendar goodies are revealed in their entirety, yes, in a wonderful parade of delights for you to savor and enjoy. And after that, the very last "blog" advent calendar entry of the year is presented, to universal acclaim and wonderment, so here we go: 1. The Doctor's Secret Baby. 2. Astrolabes! 3. from 1916, THE ELECTRICAL EXPERIMENTER magazine. 4. The Boswell Sisters sing a song. 5. "The Universe of Bagpipes" 6. glittery pine cones 7. Pat Sajak's ears are bleeding. 8. a fairy tale from the Isle of Man. 9. a video of "Baby I Love You" sung by Aretha Franklin. 10. Mary Worth has a stalker and now they have put him on a coffee mug! 11. A guy with tons of ideas. 12. a player piano plays "Shuffle Off to Buffalo" 13. an institution for the academic study of cravats 14. From Disney, a cartoon about dancing skeletons 15. history of a one-man band and one-man bands in general 16. 19th-century lighthouse keepers 17. contrabass serpent photo gallery 18. an enormous collection of old menus 19. two guys playing crumhorns in a stairwell 20. in a factory making golf balls by hand 21. Battery operated "Charlie Weaver" novelty item 22. folk song of the famous Lambton worm 23. through the decades with ventriloquist Dick Bruno and his little friend Joe Flip 24. Patent for a yo-yo. And finally, your final excitement of the year may be experienced by "clicking" here. Happy holidays!

"Blog" Advent Calendar For Dec. 24, 2010

Hi!

"Blog" Advent Calendar For Dec. 23, 2010

Another surprise.

Mummenschanz! Mummenschanz?

Remember when I told you about Mummenschanz and you were like, "So what?" I will admit that I thought neither of us would ever have to contemplate Mummenschanz again. Yet according to the New York Times, Mummenschanz is back for some reason and everyone is confused. Half the audience wants a hot dog and the other half wants to stroke their beards and go, "Hmm, I see." Mummenschanz! Now let's make a pact to forget Mummenschanz forever.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 22, 2010

Today's entry in the "blog" advent calendar comes to you courtesy of my brother-in-law David, and here it is.

George Lazenby's Agent

You know who came over tonight? That's right, Ace Atkins! He brought a bootleg (this illustration will give you some idea of the print quality) of a movie called UNIVERSAL SOLDIER (1971). I am paraphrasing, but Ace said that George Lazenby's agent told him, and I quote, "James Bond is for losers! No one is going to watch a James Bond movie ever again! The counterculture is where it's at! You need to be in UNIVERSAL SOLDIER!" So George Lazenby gave up a multi-million dollar deal for James Bond and starred as "Ryker" in UNIVERSAL SOLDIER. How do I know his character's name is Ryker? Because the singers on the soundtrack keep singing "Oh Ryker! Oh Ryker!" George Lazeby's agent somehow scored a rather sizable speaking part in UNIVERSAL SOLDIER. I know this because when he came on the screen, Ace Atkins said, "That's George Lazenby's agent!" Dr. Theresa and Ace and I are going to form a gang called the Rykers. We're going to walk around Oxford with hair and moustaches and leather trench coats like Ryker's. In one scene, Ryker plays with a Frisbee and he's really good at it.

"Blog" Advent Calendar For Dec. 21, 2010

Today's "blog" advent calendar surprise comes to you from Mr. Ward. And here it is.

The Magical Cell Phone of Childlike Wonder

Isn't it time we came together as a community to eradicate the plague of overly leisurely carousel restoration? Well, thanks to modern cell phone technology, we are closer to that goal than ever before! Aren't you sick of my descriptions of various commercials I see? Yeah? Not as sick as I am of describing them to you! And yet our strange dance continues. Like the other night I saw this commercial about a guy who, I don't know, looks like he just got out of college and now he lives in a loft? Maybe? We don't see the loft or anything, I'm just guessing. But I think he majored in art or something? Or maybe he's in a band? And he happens to see some lonesome guy struggling to restore an antique carousel in a barn, you know, the way people do. So the loft guy uses his magical cell phone to call all his friends AT THE SAME TIME. But get this: though he sends a text, he doesn't have to type. He just says something to his phone, something like, "Let's help this stranger restore his antique carousel," but he sounds enervated, so it's a good thing his phone TYPES IT UP for him and sends it to EVERYONE HE KNOWS. Enervated? He's wanly smirking, as if drained and confused by his new, post-ironic feelings, brought on by the sight of the struggling carousel repairman. And then all his friends come bursting forth from coffee houses (literally!) and start gingerly removing antique carousel horses from burlap or something, and before you know it everything is lit up and the carousel is spinning and a child model with bangs hanging in his eyes is gazing at stuff with something that is probably supposed to be wonder on his face, but he is just too cool to smile. I don't mean to pick on the kid, who was just doing what the director told him, but his was the only image from the commercial I could find to show you.

Cat Power

Hey, remember that "post" about the cat who seemingly made the bird fall out of the tree? I meant to title it "Cat Power" but I forgot. Oh well. That would have been amusing for everyone.

"Blog" Advent Calendar For Dec. 20, 2010

Whatever will it be?

Sepsey Says

Our friend Sepsey says he read (in a book by Sarah Bakewell) that Montaigne's cat once "gazed intently into a tree until a bird fell out of it, dead, right between her paws."

Mean Clown In a Bathrobe

Just watching THE FAMILY JEWELS, in which, as you know, Jerry Lewis plays several roles, including a mean clown who hates America. I am not kidding! He renounces his American citizenship. It's part of the plot! But here's the most important thing I will ever tell you: I am pretty sure that in the clown role, Jerry wears THE SAME FANTASTIC BATHROBE (to see it, "click" here) that he wears in THE BIG MOUTH. Maybe that's Jerry's favorite bathrobe! Maybe he brought it from home! Hey, let's write a "novelty song" called "Mean Clown In a Bathrobe" to the tune of "Three Coins In the Fountain."

"Blog" Advent Calendar For Dec. 19, 2010

Here you go.

"Blog" Advent Calendar For Dec. 18, 2010

Your excitement for today.

Nutmeg Is King

As you will recall from my studies of nutmeg and cinnamon, if you sprinkle nutmeg on top of cinnamon in a pot of hot milk, the cinnamon runs away like a little jerk! Yet, as the video below conclusively proves, if you conversely sprinkle the cinnamon on top of the nutmeg, the nutmeg is like, "Who cares?" The nutmeg is like, "Whatever." The nutmeg is like, "Go to ****, cinnamon!" The nutmeg just sits there like, "Nice try, cinnamon!" More on this story as it develops.

Stats!

Stats! I am happy to report that someone found this "blog" by searching for the phrase "banjo straps like stringbean wore." (Pictured, String Bean. Hey, he and Meat Loaf should have made an album together. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I hate myself.)

"Blog" Advent Calendar For Dec. 17, 2010

Has it been too long since I reminded you of the origin and uses of the "blog" advent calendar? Maybe not! Maybe you would prefer to go directly to today's surprise.

Barry B. Put That One

Barry B. put that one on a mixtape for me once. So long, Captain! We will miss you!

Somebody Is Saying That Captain Beefheart Died

Science Time With Barry B.

Welcome to what I hope will be a new "blog" feature: "Science Time With Barry B." - "Blog" Buddy Barry B. has been monitoring our investigation of cinnamon vs. nutmeg: the final battle. He writes: "Made me think of an old (science?) trick that involved a glass of water and you would sprinkle pepper (I think it was) on the water and then you got a little bit of soap (like under your fingernail) and touched the top of the water with your finger and the pepper would all move out to the rim of the glass..." This has been "Science Time With Barry B."! Thank you for paying attention!

Brain Power

Ha ha I fooled you! I was not in town nor near my computer yesterday, yet somehow yesterday's "blog" advent calendar entry mysteriously appeared. I figured out with my little brain how to prepare it a day in advance and have it "post" at the proper time, using the powers of technology available to us in our modern times we have these days. I did not want you to go without your daily seasonal treat. NOR did I want you to know I was gone so you could rob my house! Not that you would. There's nothing you would like here. What's that? Where was I? NEVER YOU MIND! But I can report that the cocktail napkins at the French 75 Bar have a quotation from Joe E. Lewis on them, a fact I had never noticed before.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 16, 2010

Today's thing for you.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 15, 2010

Here.

Hot Milk News Flash

CNN is on the case! Word comes in that Kat Kinsman of the CNN food "blog" "Eatocracy" is investigating my cinnamon and nutmeg claims with the help of her chemist father. STEP ONE: the video below, which I believe corroborates my controversial science theories, though it is less dramatic than the vivid picture I painted with words earlier on this "blog" - perhaps because my milk is already piping hot...? Or maybe it's the honey? All I can say for certain is that my cinnamon seems to scoot away from the nutmeg with greater panic than is seen below. Proportion may have something to do with it as well. Or maybe I'm hallucinating. I read somewhere that nutmeg makes you hallucinate. Didn't I read that somewhere?

Who's Counting?

Gosh, I bet I have talked about 1,000 movies on the "blog" by now but I don't want to count them. Do you? Send your answer to "I Like To Count!" c/o "Writer" Oxford, MS 38655.

Thunderbolt and Google

(Some of the following words have been redacted to prevent spoilers.) This morning before dawn when I could not sleep I was watching THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTFOOT on TV and thinking about how much shorter it would have been if only they had had Google. Like Thunderbolt would have been all, "I wonder what happened to that old ***-**** *********** where I hid *** ****?" And Lightfoot would have said, "Let's Google it and find out!" Problem solved and Lightfoot doesn't have to end up ***** ** ******** *********.

Forgotten Song of Troubled Youth

Hey! They sent me a copy of THE UTNE READER, the one with an excerpt from my Oxford American column. The excerpt is half as long as the original, very artfully cut by an Utne editor - a phrase here, a paragraph there - so that you won't know you're missing anything... and maybe you're not! Marge Simpson is

on the cover, which makes me happy. I haven't had time to read the issue, but as I was flipping through, my eye fell on a reference to this forgotten song of my troubled youth.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 14, 2010

It's the time of the season for "blog" advent calendar! Enjoy.

Foodstuffs!

Welcome once again to "Foodstuffs!" - the "blog" column for people who enjoy foodstuffs. Sometimes I will cook up some warm milk, because I am 1,000 years old. While it is heating in the pot, I sprinkle some cinnamon on the surface. BUT GET THIS! When I add nutmeg, the cinnamon SHOOTS INSTANTLY AWAY FROM IT, to the edges of the pot, as if chemically repelled. Yes, the nutmeg acts as cinnamon repellent! It is a rapid and almost violent reaction! I have repeated the experiment numerous times, and it always happens the same way. WHY? Earlier today I ran into John T. Edge at Square Books. I asked him about the phenomenon and it turned out to be the one food question John T. Edge cannot answer! My friend who was almost in a plane crash with Werner Herzog was similarly amazed. He was Hunter S. Thompson's right-hand man for many years, so you wouldn't think anything could amaze him, but my facts about nutmeg and cinnamon did the trick (he happened to be at Square Books, too). Try it and you may find out that I am probably not completely crazy! And even if I am crazy, you will have a delicious treat for the whole family to enjoy.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 13, 2010

Your daily surprise.

Advice For People Who Like to Take Naps

Do you ever take a nap with the TV on? Sure, why not? Sometimes that background burble is just the thing you need to lull you into a peaceful slumber on the couch, with the added bonus that our nation's hardworking advertisers get direct access to your subconscious mind! Win-win, right? But NEVER TRY TO TAKE A NAP during a broadcast of the 1979 monster movie PROPHECY. Almost everything about it DEFIES YOU TO TAKE A NAP. Because you are constantly like, "WHAT?" Like IN THE FIRST 30 MINUTES there is a man with a chainsaw fighting a man with an axe AND a fast-motion attack from a crazed raccoon! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME PEOPLE? How are you going to take a nap during that? You are NOT! This is what I learned yesterday afternoon. And today I thought, "I bet my 'internet' pen pal who likes KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS has something to say about PROPHECY on his 'web' site." And of course I was right! "Click" here if you do not mind a spoiler or two, especially for his description of a key scene, THE key scene, an unforgettable bit of gory slapstick involving this dozing youngster completely cocooned in his bright yellow sleeping bag like a helpless banana while a mutant bear is on the loose, maybe another bad time to take a nap.

McNeil's Movie Korner

Welcome once again to "McNeil's Movie Korner," the place where I cut-and-paste emails from McNeil and call it a "blog." This email came from McNeil today: "Think about the way Ed Crane, in THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE, says 'What's the matter, Dave?' as he walks into Big Dave's office the second time just before the ***** scene in which ** ***** *** **** [redacted on account of spoilers - ed.]. Doesn't Ed's monotone voice remind you of Hal's, from 2001? I think Hal even says that line, maybe several times. There's a lot more to talk about regarding that topic, but I've already talked about it in class..." I wrote McNeil back, mentioning "the UFO angle" in both films, to which McNeil responded, "Actually the 'whole UFO angle' (as you so quaintly put it) has more to do with Nietzsche's idea of eternal recurrence than anything else. Big Dave is abducted by UFOs on a camping trip before the movie begins, and then Ed is visited by UFOs before ** ** ********. The idea of eternal recurrence is first introduced in the film during the opening credits with the shot of the barber's pole...the stripes seem to go up and up, but it's an optical illusion of course - they don't actually 'go' anywhere (or come from anywhere for that matter)." And I was all, "Whoa." I was like, "Back up, Einstein." I was like, "How about saying that in English, Poindexter?" But it did make me think of THE HUDSUCKER PROXY (like THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE a Coen Bros. film) what with the hoop and the clock and the circle of life (which Norville equates with reincarnation, and now think of the great big space baby in 2001, yeah, you know the one I'm talking about).

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 12, 2010

You just never know!

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 11, 2010

Hello.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 10, 2010

Every day a new delight.

Ignored!

Hey! Here is one thing Marc Smirnoff ignored! I told him that the Oxford American music issue about Alabama, which comes with an awesome CD, should include an old-timey Alabama college band called Club Wig. Ignored! But that doesn't mean we can't enjoy Club Wig together as a "blog" family. "Click" here for example! Club Wig featured a friend of mine who probably has the coolest real-life name of any really real real-life person I know: Edwin Brobston Cleverdon. He is real! And that is his real name, as given to him at birth. And I think he might be a III, although it is equally possible that I am concocting that fact. In any case, listen to him play and sing, won't you? (PS, I am teasing Mr. Smirnoff, who put together an exemplary CD as usual. But some Club Wig would not have hurt!)

Alabama All Right

FINALLY! I have my copy of the new Oxford American music issue. I was starting to get worried! Tom Franklin got his a long time ago! That's okay: he has an amazing, gothic short story in it - featuring Buck Owens! But then I heard that some facebook friends in Wisconsin already had it. Well, okay. Because it is cold there, and maybe they need to shred it and put it in their shoes for extra warmth. I can understand that! BUT THEN my STUDENTS started talking to me about it. MY STUDENTS! That can't be right, can it? Oh, who cares, because I got it and it is awesome. For example, I don't want to brag or anything but I have almost 20,000 songs on my ipod... and the new OA music CD (which comes with the issue) contains only ONE song I already have on my ipod, OKAY (Sammy Salvo, doing a song called "A Mushroom Cloud," and I didn't even realize he was from Alabama - thanks, Oxford American!)? PLUS, as I have just parenthetically hinted, the focus of this issue is music from my home state of Alabama, and ol' Smirnoff, in his "editor's column," starts to sound like me during my famous karaoke interludes when I compulsively list all the great icons of Alabama. Here he is, naming the Alabama musicians who ARE NOT on the CD: "Hank Williams, Sun Ra, Nat King Cole, Candi Staton, Emmylou Harris, Arthur Alexander, Jimmie Rodgers, Hank Ballard, W.C. Handy... Erskine Hawkins... The Louvin Brothers... The Commodores [pictured]... Big Mama Thornton... Wilson Pickett... James Reese Europe..." I'm leaving a lot of them out, but you get the point. And the writers! I will name only a few of the writers in this issue, people who have appeared on the "blog" before: the great blues historian Scott Barretta (I see that I have not mentioned him BY THAT NAME on the "blog" but he has many aliases! And he took this picture of me with Joey Lauren Adams), Kevin Brockmeier, Ben Greenman, Tom Franklin (see above; also from Alabama), Greil Marcus, Nicholas Rombes (author of A CULTURAL DICTIONARY OF PUNK), and so, so many more. I have only scratched the surface! Trust me! Trust yourself!

Fuzz Mustard

Over on the "blog" of James Wolcott I see Jim Jarmusch quoted thusly: "I reach for my revolver when I hear the word quirky. Or edgy. These words are now becoming labels that are slapped on products to sell them." To which I would only respond, "Now? How about forever? What about what happened to the beatniks, for example? Or when BONNIE AND CLYDE made people put rebellious banjo music in car commercials?" But that reminds me: Our Year of Repressive Desublimation is coming to a close. Let's think back over some of the highlights of repressive desublimation we have enjoyed together in 2010, The Year of Repressive Desublimation. What about when Phyllis Diller squirted mustard at the "fuzz"? Or the time the UTNE READER decided to reprint part of a column I wrote that MIGHT be about repressive desublimation for all I know? Let us reflect also on the piece of candy that has its own twitter account. And don't forget double reverse repressive desublimation, perhaps the most characteristic variety of our wonderful new era! And there were so many more examples we fondly enjoyed together. Why not send your favorite piece of repressive desublimation to "Repressive Desublimation" c/o "Writer" Oxford, MS 38655?

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 9, 2010

If you need a reminder about what the "blog" advent calendar is, "click" here. If you are secure in your knowledge of the "blog" advent calendar and would like to experience today's treat directly, please "click" here.

McNeil's Nerves Are Shot

"Strange light in the sky over Georgia!" exclaims CNN. Also, "Theories Pour In About Mysterious Fireball." Here's the clip, which comes from McNeil, of course, who is very worried, of course. It probably didn't help McNeil's poor nerves that the CNN anchor screams "I see fire!" at the end.

Tenor

In today's New York Times, the obituary of a tenor who "dazzled critics" when he made his Met debut at age 85! How was he still singing? "I never had a voice, so how could I lose one?" That quotation of his is going onto my big pile of useful quotations to think about. One day I will get my safety scissors and my jar of paste and put them all into a book, like that guy who wrote that manifesto that time.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 8, 2010

Well what do you know? Here we are again. It's the "blog" advent calendar for today, December 8, 2010. Have fun!

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 7, 2010

To reveal today's "blog" advent calendar surprise, "click" here.

Musical Planet

This set of Anthony Braxton CDs is like a planet. You can live on it! I have been living on it for days. I was so quick to whine and slobber when I received the wrong CDs. I should have been equally swift in telling you that Mosaic Records cheerfully fixed the problem in a flash and the stuff they make is the best ever as far as I can tell. Whenever I can afford it, I am going to go for their Bing Crosby collection. (No, government, I am not a paid shill for Mosaic Records. I am just telling it like it is!)

Two "Blog" "Faves" In One Handy Sentence

Not only does CELEBRITY CHEKHOV by Ben Greenman have owls, it has Larry King! "Larry King fixed him with an owlish stare."

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 6, 2010

I wonder what it will be!

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 5, 2010

Open it up.

Forever Owls

Owls again! Owls forever! How often have I told you? All great books contain owls. Take the work of one Ben Greenman for example. He has fashioned a book (CELEBRITY CHEKHOV) wherein he takes stories by Chekhov and replaces the main characters with celebrities. Allow me to give you an example: Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake are caught in a violent storm. According to Britney, Justin "kept laughing and talking all sorts of nonsense. He said it would be nice if we could suddenly come upon a medieval castle with turreted towers, with moss on it and owls, in which we could take shelter from the rain and in the end be killed by a thunderbolt."

Bad Camera

Hey! You know how I am always compiling quotations and thoughts that I say have something to do with "blogging" but probably now that I come to think of it are really about LIFE? Well, it is time to add to the pile. I was over there on the "blog" of Megan Abbott and Sara Gran, and Ms. Gran quoted a photographer named Miroslav Tichy: "First of all, you have to have a bad camera," and, "If you want to be famous, you must do something more badly than anybody in the entire world."

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 4, 2010

Your daily surprise.

The Kaltenborn Curse

You're reading the Mack Sennett autobiography and everything is humming along just fine. You're a mere seven pages away from the end when BINGO BANGO BOOM! It's an H. V. Kaltenborn reference. You heard me! Who is H. V. Kaltenborn? Exactly! Nobody knows, not even the members of the Doomed Book Club. Yet now, by eerie coincidence or some strange psychic compulsion, the Doomed Book Club has picked Kaltenborn-related texts twice in a row - in other words, in EVERY SINGLE BOOK CLUB SELECTION YOU WILL FIND H. V. KALTENBORN! On the plus side, it gave me the opportunity to look for another picture of H. V. Kaltenborn. And you know the old saying: "You can never have too many pictures of H. V. Kaltenborn."

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 3, 2010

The "blog" advent calendar remains everyone's favorite part of the holiday season! "Click" for your daily surprise.

Mysterious Note

Directly after the unexpected (for me) chapter entitled "Murder" the Mack Sennett autobiography gives us one called "Detective Story" and then, ominously, "The Night of February 1." In the latter we get "a mysterious note a policeman said he found in the toe of a riding boot."

Check It Out

Also making an appearance in my new Oxford American column, Dr. Theresa Starkey, my wife, the "Dr. Theresa" of "blog" fame. The Emory University "web" site has just put up some information ("click" here) about Dr. Theresa's awesome dissertation, which in addition to being brilliantly smart is chock full of all the VIOLENCE and HUBBA HUBBA the public craves. Hey, publishers, check it out!

Do You Like Stuff?

Say, do you like Anne Bancroft, The Beatles, Beethoven, Anthony Braxton, Neko Case, John Clare, Peter De Vries, Barry Hannah, Charles Ives, Anita Loos, Shirley MacLaine, Charles Portis, Sun Ra, Sonny Rollins, Alex Ross, George Saunders, Scriabin, The Shaggs, Christopher Smart, Mark Twain, Lao Tzu, Robert Walser, Wilco, and Frank Zappa? What? You do? Wow! No kidding? So do I! That's why they all appear in my brand new Oxford American column. Yes, reading that column is like staring glumly at the cover of "Sgt. Pepper's" - glumly because somebody stole your LP from the sleeve. I'm the worst! I do manage to squeeze a few words of my own in there between the references. You know what this means, don't you? The legendary annual music issue of THE OXFORD AMERICAN is about to "drop." That's what the kids say, right? "Drop"?

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 2, 2010

Welcome to the second day of this year's "Blog" Advent Calendar. Your surprise might be anything!

Wind Chime Correction

Hogan says that the wind chimes in question were a gift FROM her grandmother, but were hanging outside Hogan's own bedroom window in Inman Park when they caused all the trouble and made the song get written. And now in gratitude for your patience in this matter, please "click" here to enjoy a great weird wind chime song by the Beach Boys, a song which, if I am recalling correctly, Barry B. loves as much as I do. This long-distance dedication is going out on the airwaves to you, Barry B.!

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 1, 2010

No, silly, I didn't forget what today is! It's the first day of the cherished "Blog" Advent Calendar - the fourth annual edition of a noble tradition begun at the behest of mysterious "Blog" Buddy Dr. "M."! Have the complicated workings of the "Blog" Advent Calendar slipped your understandably cloudy mind? If so, feel free to "click" here for a refresher course. But if you have been waiting all year for the "Blog" Advent Calendar to begin anew, you can get started right now by "clicking" here.

What the Butler Knew

Did you know that in Chapter 20, Mack Sennett's autobiography suddenly turns into a real-life murder mystery? Neither did I! I am guessing that other members of the Doomed Book Club (the majority of whom are "crime writers") knew about this going in, but it took me by surprise, yes sir. Chapter 20 contains such phrases as "and in his vest pocket a platinum watch which had stopped at precisely 7:21" and "Peavey, the butler, went on to tell what he knew."