Goat vs. Octopus

On our first night in New Orleans we were ushered through the kitchen of a restaurant Goodfellas style, in what felt like a single tracking shot. We emerged in a secret room, where we consumed a goat. Do you think I am kidding? I am not! "Blog" Buddy Pia Z. Erhardt ate the goat with us. The next day I was invited to lunch with John Currence and Elvis Costello. Reader, I DECLINED! I can't believe it either. But yes, I am a professional, and my panel - my reason for being in New Orleans - was scheduled for lunchtime, so I hurried over to the panel place, all ready to get paneled. BUT IT TURNED OUT THAT THERE WERE TWO PANELS!!!!! AND MY PANEL DID NOT START UNTIL 3:30!!!!!!!!!! So I totally would have been able to have lunch with John Currence and Elvis Costello AND fulfill my duties to my gracious hosts, but by the time I figured it out, it was too late. O monstrous fate! But I really can't complain. The panel before mine was very interesting to hear. And anyway, we were in New Orleans, so the fun was just getting started. "Blog" Deputy Rhea came to my panel, so that was nice. It was great to see her in person! Afterward, Theresa and I went to Rio Mar and got to see Adolfo Garcia again. We were with John T. Edge, so Chef Garcia began bringing out all kinds of interesting and delicious things to surprise us, including what he called "the best ham in the world" and he knows what he is talking about. It comes from the "famous black pigs of Spain" who get to romp around wherever they want and feast on their favorite acorns, which they find for themselves. I am paraphrasing, and any errors are mine alone, certainly not Chef Garcia's. We ate octopus two nights in a row. On the first night it preceded the goat. That particular octopus was served as a carpaccio and adorned with these exquisite little slices of some sort of tiny, delicate oranges, I guess. That was at Domenica. Oh baby! Well, while we were talking to Adolfo Garcia, and eating every amazing thing he brought out, John Currence showed up with his sous chef (is that the right phrase? I'm an idiot!) Heath. So the five of us went from restaurant to restaurant, sharing many, many, many small plates of things, including some fried hog's head cheese from A Mano (another Garcia restaurant). I believe our marathon dinner stretched over four restaurants (more for some of us; see below), not counting the Carousel Bar, where no food was. In the French 75 bar at Arnaud's, we had a fried oyster I can only describe as fluffy. It was so good! Like something between an oyster and a cloud. And John Currence and John T. found a bartender there (in the French 75 bar at Arnaud's) to worship. An artist! (That's him in the picture. He's so good that I immediately found his picture on the "internet." I am ashamed to say I didn't learn his name, but that's because John T. and John Currence were hogging him to themselves, and I was away from the bar most of the time. Theresa and I sat on a comfortable loveseat watching a lovely older woman dressed in Phyllis Diller style smoke via cigarette holder.) The legendary musician Dr. John loves this bartender so much that he made a little statue of him. We saw it! Currence pronounced his concoctions "sophisticated." I had one of his Ramos gin fizzes, which was also like a cloud. I guess everything is like a cloud to me. He made John Currence something called an "aviator." It utilized creme de violette. I had a sip. It was like a cloud! Not really, but why stop now? It WAS remarkable, though. Oh yeah, the night before, we had a secret contraband liqueur made from Perique tobacco, of which there are only 25 acres left in the world, I think. But they'll grow more if this hooch gets off the ground. I have no idea what I'm talking about. What's Perique, for example? Is that a thing? And I forgot to tell you how we hung out in a mansion where Tennessee Williams wrote a play, next to the funeral home that made the arrangements for Jayne Mansfield. And I forgot to tell you how John T. and Theresa and I went to breakfast and had some ham hock and red pepper jelly on toast. And a bunch of other things made of pork. And did I mention that the goat and the octopus were placed in a cage where they battled to the death? Not really! But that was a little joke I told during my panel, inspired by a conversation with Rhea. Theresa and I stopped eating things at some point. John T. Edge and John Currence were last seen heading to a place called Cooter's for some fried meat pies.

Oyster Shucker's Wrist

That was hard to type because I have oyster shucker's wrist this morning.

Sad King

I am sad that Larry King seems to be parting ways with his wife according to the "internet." I am not trying to be cute or funny. I guess I have started to sort of like Larry King from ribbing him so often about his work on the twitter. And really it is the supposed coolness of the twitter I am ribbing, isn't it? But it is also Larry King, I must admit. So now I feel like a jerk! Larry King has two twitter accounts. One of them is called ShawnKingsHubby. That makes me sad! Once I "linked" to it, because what he had written there reminded me of a Lydia Davis short story. It's still up for now. Read it while you can! It makes you sad to see it. And another time his wife made mixtapes for Colin Powell. Even this one about his dog, which I so recently mocked, seems sad now. When something sad happens it makes you feel bad for joking around and acting foolish. This is not the kind of sizzling celebrity gossip we enjoy. It is not cute to play around with misery.

Frasier, Briefly

Welcome once again to "Frasier, Briefly," our regular peek into the fast-paced world of Frasier reruns. Last night, Theresa was delighted to hear Niles make a Lizzie Borden joke on a Frasier rerun. Why delighted? Because Theresa has recently FINISHED HER DISSERTATION, that's why! And I can't tell you anything about it except that it involves Lizzie Borden, Patricia Hearst, "Tokyo Rose," and Martha Stewart. Oh, and Nathaniel Hawthorne and Hester Prynne. Once a few formalities are out of the way, Theresa will BE A DOCTOR, just like Dr. "M.," and then I will have to stop calling her Theresa and start calling her Dr. "T." See, Frasier had this fan sort of stalking him. There was a knock at the door and Frasier said, "Who is it?" And Niles said, "It's Lizzie Borden, I want you to autograph my hatchet." I may be paraphrasing. I missed it. Theresa told me and now I'm telling you.

Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner

Welcome once again to Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner. Look, Dr. "M." is busy! What do you want from her? She is a doctor of something (I can't tell you what, to protect her secret identity) plus she has a baby named Dr. Baby! So you'll take what you can get. Today she makes an apt observation about the character Libby on the television program LOST: "does she always look like she is gonna cry or what?!" That's it. And it's plenty! And it's true! And you'll thank Dr. "M." for it and be on your way.

Behooved People

Many persons today feel it behooves them to tell me oyster shucking horror stories, some of which involve trips to the emergency room.

Her Biologist Friend

A report from "Blog" Buddy Sarah Marine: "I was reminded of your liking of unicorns when I was roaming around the prairie dog fields with my biologist friend today. We came upon a strange hooked seed pod. He exclaimed that it was a unicorn plant. My friend says that the buffalo step on the pod and it attaches to their foot. Then, as they buffalo along, the seeds fall out of the pod. The buffalo are unicorn plant farmers! The pod was pretty sharp at the end, too." Sarah Marine also provides a helpful "link" about the unicorn plant. The "link" says that the "unicorn plant is edible and may be pickled like cucumber or okra."

Paneling

Hey! Speaking of New Orleans (where TREME takes place) I will be there this weekend on a panel with John T. Edge. A panel! To luxuriate in the details, "click" here.

Hubig's

Also guest-starring on TREME tonight: a solitary Hubig's pie.

Are You a Good Person?

Did you watch the premiere of the David Simon show TREME on HBO tonight? If you are a good person you did! And hey, did you wonder to yourself: In that one scene, who is that guy sitting at Elvis Costello's table? And then he gets up from the table and bobs his head to the music fuzzily in the background? And later, when Elvis Costello emerges from the club, this guy comes out late, like his character had some important business maybe that he had to conclude in the club... who is that guy? That guy is "Blog" Buddy John Currence, that's who! So think about that as you drift off to lullaby land.

Night of the Ghost Shuckers

Thursday will mark the first anniversary of the Snackbar restaurant. As part of the celebration, they have asked Tom Franklin and myself to shuck oysters for the evening - a perverse yet compelling notion! "Oysters are going to be flying all over the place," Tom Franklin predicted in a recent telephone conversation. "People are going to be waiting six hours for an order," I appended. Seriously, I am sure there will be ghost shuckers to ensure that Snackbar customers - including you, I hope! - receive their oysters in a timely and healthful manner.

McNeil!

"'He's still in the house! He's still in the house!' a woman screamed at Jeff McNeil as flames and smoke spilled from a one-story home in 2008. Though McNeil didn't have protective gear, he ran into the burning home." That's from an article about real-life heroes in the Tulsa World. It's not about OUR Jeff McNeil, or is it? It's not. But wouldn't that be something? It's not, though.

Blinterest

Hey, remember when that guy thought I looked like some kind of haggard, spiritually bereft Max von Sydow? Well now is your chance to find out what I think I look like: a hairy, expressionless zombie mask. I just got my copy of issue #34 of the McSweeney's magazine, in which several self-portraits (in addition to mine) are presented, including many that "blog" readers will recognize as being of "blog" interest, or "blinterest": Jonathan Ames, Michael Martone, Ben Marcus, Joey Lauren Adams, Greil Marcus (who may secretly hate me!), and Jon Langford, just to name a few. I almost forgot Mike Leigh, director of "blog" fave film TOPSY-TURVY. Also in the issue, prose by John Hodgman, T.C. Boyle, and so many others you won't believe it. It's like some kind of endlessly generous Crackerjacks box! Who cares about the rules? I am going to find a picture of Crackerjacks.

Headline!

And then there's this obituary in today's New York Times where the guy is called a "cantankerous Hellfighter" in the headline! That's what I want the headline of my obituary to say. "His daughter characterized him as a 'barroom brawler' and 'hell on wheels,' who 'too often let his fists do the talking.'" That's another part of the obituary. Then it tells about the time his friend almost had to cut off his leg with an axe!

Tiny Dancing Donkey

An article in the New York Times about an Alabama artist has some phrases I like: "ethereal chandeliers pieced together with cow bones and twigs gnawed by beavers... Bob Ross, a blind 21-year-old white-crested Polish show rooster with a gift for fortune-telling, passed on last month... Until recently, a tiny dancing donkey named Soapstick lived here, too... having dug up a Mosasaurus vertebrae at 14, he had made friends with paleontologists... There were no injuries, though earlier Mr. Anthony had punctured an ear drum cutting brush, mashed his thumb with a hammer and sliced the bridge of his nose."

Debunking of the Three-Armed Beatnik

Phil wants to know where he can get a "snazzy blazer with extra cardigan sleeves," and claims to have been "looking for one for years." It is his sly way of debunking McNeil's theory of the three-handed beatnik. Little does he know that McNeil has beaten him to it, conceding "how the sweater clings to the wrist, unlike the coat the beatnik is wearing." So Phil and McNeil are in agreement. The beatnik has two arms. Repeat: The beatnik has two arms.

The Burley Referendum

Stang time code correction! Roger Miller mentions Arnold Stang at around 19:50, not 13:30 as previously reported. At 13:30 you will find a farmer asking you to vote no on the Burley Referendum.

Hogan Mentions Miller Mentions Stang

From Kelly Hogan comes a video ("click" here) of "Roger Miller and Co. doing a local Nashville TV show at 6AM in 1966 after being up all night." It comes from WFMU, natch. Most important of all, writes Kelly, "Roger Miller mentions ARNOLD STANG! about 13:30 minutes in." This isn't exactly a random illustration, because Kelly sent it along with her message. But it is a pigeon with a camera.

The Recollection That Wasn't There

"I have no recollection of this show," writes McNeil. That makes all of us!

The Small Magnetic Hand

An obituary in today's New York Times makes passing mention of a 1916 film called THE SMALL MAGNETIC HAND. I don't know why I'm telling you this, except based on the title it sounds like the greatest movie ever made.

Black Garlic, You Blow My Mind!

John Currence answers: "black garlic is fermented in vegetable ash underground."

Fantaspic!

I had some aspic at City Grocery last night. I had to invent a new word ("fantaspic") to describe how good it was. Then I had to look it up in THE OXFORD COMPANION TO FOOD, where I read about aspic's "great proponent" Careme, who was a complicated man. "The Tsar gave him a diamond ring," says THE OXFORD COMPANION TO FOOD. Of course, THE OXFORD COMPANION TO FOOD would be surprised that I have never eaten an opossum, which, parboiled, is "a favourite southern dish," according to THE OXFORD COMPANION TO FOOD. Had some black garlic at City Grocery last night, too. But no possum! Because it's not on the menu. Black garlic has been popping up in New York Times restaurant reviews recently. I don't know what it is, except delicious. I guess it's a kind of garlic. Don't worry, I have an email out to John Currence, and as soon as he lays down some black garlic lore for me, I will clue you in. The possum entry in THE OXFORD COMPANION TO FOOD notes that the animal is "famed for what an Irishman would call its lifelike manner of feigning death." This book was written in 1999, not 1799.

Curse of the Three-Handed Beatnik

McNeil, a noted conspiracy theorist, has examined the lobby card from KITTEN WITH A WHIP and is forced to conclude that the beatnik REALLY DOES HAVE THREE ARMS. I quote: "The third arm of the beatnik CAN'T be Forsyth's because of the position of the thumb, palm, etc...completely unnatural if that were J.F.'s left hand." I have "reposted" the lobby card for your consideration and terror.

By Thor's Hammer: Primordial Associations of the Ninja Blender

Considering the almost mystical claims of the promotional materials for the Ninja brand blender, as first brought to our attention by the NBIL, I turn to Mircea Eliade's study of ancient metallurgy (and other things), THE FORGE AND THE CRUCIBLE. In the image of Thor's hammer, writes Eliade, it is possible "to divine the magic aura of the manufactured tool, the exceptional prestige of the artisan and workman and, above all, in the Metal Age, of the smith... What clearly emerges from all these myths concerning smiths who assist the gods to secure their supremacy is the extraordinary importance accorded to the fabrication of a tool [such as the Ninja Blender - ed.]. Naturally, such a creation retains for a long time a magical or divine character, for all 'creation' or 'construction' can only be the work of a superhuman being." Yes! We are really beginning to get to the essence of the Ninja Blender, I believe. Recall if you will the fact that the promotional video promises to bestow upon you, the consumer, and I quote, "the incredible power to create snow." According to the NBIL, the "Ninja power pod" at the heart of the Ninja Blender is represented in the long-form infomercial with magic blue lightning shooting out of it, proving Eliade's association of metalwork - and hence, the Ninja Blender - with the primal thunderbolt. Truly this must be the blender of the gods!

Efficacy

I have been keeping an eye on the Ninja Blender "web" site for you, as promised. Watched more of the introductory video today. I thought the NBIL was exaggerating the marketing claims for comic effect, but it turns out that they REALLY, TRULY credit their blender's efficacy to "ancient Asian metalworking secrets."

Fear of Beatniks

John Forsythe died. I tried to call McNeil. McNeil and I have been discussing KITTEN WITH A WHIP a lot recently - the Ann-Margret vehicle also starring Mr. Forsythe. We like it, we were saying, and not in a funny cutesy ha-ha ironic I'm glad we're all so smart now way. Yes, a non-random illustration is called for - nay, is demanded. KITTEN WITH A WHIP is a wonderful nightmare you can't wake up from, and exemplifies the paralyzing fear of beatniks so often reflected upon by the "blog," most especially in 2010, the Year of Repressive Desublimation. Below, a hand-tinted lobby card featuring the menacing beatnik (center). I know he doesn't look like much of a beatnik, or very menacing, but trust me! I think he's even a nihilist, like in THE BIG LEBOWSKI. Hey, look, the discoloration makes it look as if he has three arms, but he doesn't - that's John Forsythe's arm - but wouldn't it be something if he did? It would be a whole different movie. And speaking of John Forsythe's appendages, the strange coloring almost makes it look as if John Forsythe's OTHER hand has been replaced by a robotic weapon. But I think that's just a water glass sitting on a table or something. Once again, whole different movie.

Bespoke Uptick

There has been an uptick in the use of the word "bespoke" in the New York Times. My evidence is anecdotal. I've noticed it twice recently. Well, it's a good word and not used enough. I'm as guilty as anyone. What else? What else is so important today? I enjoyed a review of a Brahms recital in that same paper. It started out in the scandalized tone of early Elvis reports: "his lanky frame swaying and twisting as he clutches the piano and staggers unpredictably around the stage." That's from the Brahms review, not an early Elvis report. Likewise, "his gyrations were particularly pronounced and at times distracting." But luckily, "the mood lightened with Brahms’s 'Salamander,'" which is something you don't hear too often.

What Are Your Feelings About Scampish Disregard?

Larry King is back to his old scampish ways! Those who do not approve of scampish behavior had best refrain from "clicking."

All About Eef

I was scared and nervous and terrified to "google" the amazingly clever title I gave to this "post," and I was right to be, because 8,630 people had thought of it before me, just as I feared. But based on my scientific conclusions most of them do not seem to be talking about the same kind of eef, so I think it's okay. Anyway: Phil! Phil, my hero! Always with the keen eye, Phil is. He points out that the guy who wrote the wonderful and aforementioned WFMU "post" about eefing is the SAME GUY in charge of the Atlanta Time Machine "blog," which has given us so much joy and fun here, in the form, for example, of ads from old-time Atlanta nightclubs, a song called "Ooey Gooey," and a great story about a Porter Wagoner album cover. Thanks, Phil! And now I will add my own coincidence to make everything perfect. Remember when Sam Shepard was in the band the Holy Modal Rounders and played drums under the watchful eye of Ruth Buzzi, as documented on the "blog"? Well, one of the eefing songs gathered on the WFMU site is by that very same band! Sadly, I believe Sam Shepard had left the band at that time, so we cannot imagine him participating in some eefing. Unless we want to! It's a free country.

Hot News From Paris

"Blog" Buddy Judge, curator of our regular "blog" feature "Hot News From Chicago," has an art show coming up in Paris! April 8-13. That's right, Paris, France. Just like in that song "April in Paris." You've heard of Paris, haven't you? The one in France? Then get over there and attend Judge's show. When you land be sure and tell 'em "Bloggy" the "Blog" Mascot sent you and you'll probably get a discount on a baguette.

Eef!

My smart student and I were discussing the art of the hambone yesterday, a term into which I erroneously lumped the vocal accompaniment, which I discovered today is its own separate thing called "eefing" or "eephing," or sometimes, excitingly, "eeefing" or "eeephing," that's right, with three E's. Jimmy Riddle, champion eefer, says in this audio recording that it used to be called hoodling before, I don't know, all the modern kids started to call it eefing. I went back for a "link" to last Thanksgiving, when naturally I put up a youtube video from HEE HAW on the "blog," but I discovered it had been removed by the Grand Ole Opry. But don't worry, folks, there is still plenty of eefing on the "internet," despite the sinister machinations of the Grand Ole Opry. I should have known that the great WFMU beat me to it anyway, using the same deleted clip, but supplementing it with many others and piling on the MP3s. All the eefing you could ever want, or at least a good start. Lots of pictures, too, including this non-random illustration. Most of the information I find on the "internet" refers to eefing as a white Appalachian tradition, but there are plenty of African-American examples, and I think the connection should be explored. Get on it, somebody! The piece that my student and I were originally discussing, "Old Aunt Dinah" (attributed to a performer named "Butterboy"), appears on a Lomax field recording called "Black Texicans."

The Incredible Power

They've changed out the video on the Ninja Blender "web" site. I didn't want you to be confused now that my Ninja Blender short promotional video quotations no longer match up. Now the guy says, "It gives you the incredible power to create snow!" Then, after praising the "top secret scientists" who created the Ninja Blender, he shrinks as if by magic and sits on a table next to the Ninja Blender and a scientist dumps out the contents of the Ninja Blender (formerly ice) on the table next to him. The tiny spokesman runs his hands through the contents and says approvingly, "I'm talking about perfect, creamy, snowball-quality snow!" It's not really called the "Ninja Blender." It's called the "Ninja Master Prep." I will tell you if they change the video again because you probably need to know.

"The Secret Is All-New Ninja Technology!"

proclaims the short online promotional video for the Ninja Blender.

Exclaims the Announcer

Just watching a short online promotional video for the Ninja Blender. "It instantly blasts ice into fantastic fluffy snow!" exclaims the announcer.

Late Night Blender Report

This just in from the NBIL: "So, Jasper's late night feeding schedule has given me the opportunity to catch up on my infomercials. The gloves are off in the late night blender battle! [Loyal "blog" readers will recall the NBIL's fascination with "The Magic Bullet." - ed.] Last night alone," continues the NBIL, "I saw four different blenders advertised in half hour long informercials! Here's what the Bullet is up against: The Torpedo - None of the new crop of blender informercials has the same cast of lovable characters as seen in the original Magic Bullet commerical, but the Torpedo does have Fabio Viviani of Top Chef fame as a pitchman. This one has some sort of autonomous 'smart' mode that allows you to leave the blender unattended while it whips your frozen margaritas to just the right consistency or grinds your coffee beans into powdery oblivion. How does it know?! The Montel Williams HealthMaster - Montel also goes all high tech with a 'patented digital emulsification system.' Foods prepared in the HealthMaster evidently cause the consumer to miraculously lose lots of weight! I think it has something to do with the fact that boiling removes the nutrients from brocolli. At least that was a point that was harped upon repeatedly in the commercial. The Ninja - Continuing the trend of violently named kitchen appliances. Judging from the informercial, this blender is built by ancient Japanese swordsmiths. The Jack LaLanne Power Juicer - Technically not a blender, but don't tell that to Jack LaLanne. The makers of the Magic Bullet have risen to the occasion however, with a new blender - the Bullet Express! This a larger, more robust version of the lovable little bullet that does double duty as a juicer. The highlight of this informercial is when juice is made using a whole pear, several carrots and quarter of a watermelon! The actress who then drinks this concoction does a poor job of concealing her initial 'bleh' reaction before putting on a huge fake smile/look of amazement. That's it on the blender front. There are a couple of other products worth mentioning making the late night informercial rounds: The Yudu - Tabletop do-it-yourself screen printing. Make your own t-shirts! The Fein Multimaster - I still don't know what this thing is. All I know is that it was being used purely for destruction. At one point in the infomercial, the spokespeople are informed that the pile of rubble in the room into which they have just walked took several days to create. They then proceed to use the Fein Multimaster to demonstrate how the same pile of rubble could have been created in mere minutes! It was awesome!" And that's it from the sleep-deprived NBIL. A few notes: 1) Don't blame the NBIL for the lack of paragraph breaks. That's on me. 2) The government would want you to know that the NBIL is not being paid by any informercial tycoon nor endorsing any product, and neither am I. 3) I will probably be tempted to look up the Fein Multimaster tomorrow and give you the lowdown.

Robert Schumann Played It Again

"Asked what a piece of his music meant, Robert Schumann played it again." I found that in THE GENIUS OF SHAKESPEARE by Jonathan Bate. Bate also wrote a fascinating biography of the poet John Clare. That is all the information I have for you today.

Fair Kitty

I checked out a book from the library. It's from 1893 - not a reprint or a later edition, an actual physical object manufactured in 1893: THE GHOST WORLD by T. F. Thiselton Dyer. If you are interested in the state of ghost studies in 1893, this is probably the book for you, I guess. Each chapter has a terrific title. Chapter X is an examination of "The Headless Ghost." There follows an entire chapter on "Phantom Butterflies" (big in Cornwall and Slavonia, apparently). In the former, we get a quotation from Sir Walter Scott on "a spectre at Drumlanrick Castle, of no less a person than the Duchess of Queensbury - 'Fair Kitty, blooming, young and gay' - who... amuses herself with wheeling her own head in a wheelbarrow through the great gallery."

I Like You, Headline

There was a headline in the New York Times today: "A Maine Antiques Dealer Rethinks His Aesthetic." A headline! Somehow it made me happy to see that as a headline in a newspaper. And then the Maine antiques dealer said something great: "I think I’m more and more attracted to things that aren’t worth anything." I was reminded of my old "blogging" mentor Chuang Tzu.

Fancy Pants

As promised, Megan Abbott sent me a book with some spicy Bob details in it. Like his mistress who wanted help with her living expenses and received "a couple of lousy jars of cheap jam!" (The exclamation point is direct from the mistress, and rightfully so.) She visited him on the set of FANCY PANTS! (That exclamation point is mine.)

Oatmeal Tips

At last! It's the return of our long neglected, most important feature, "Oatmeal Tips." Let me turn it over to Phil Oppenheim, who writes, "This just in: a new oatmeal food cart has opened in downtown Portland." Not only that, but the oatmeal cart has a "blog." Do you like oatmeal and live in Portland? Then consider this your "oatmeal tip"! Send oatmeal tips to "Oatmeal Tips" c/o "Writer" Oxford, MS 38655.

Difficulties of a Visiting Mesmerist

My memory of that Walt Whitman book by David S. Reynolds was correct: cantankerous pigs roamed free in the streets of New York. I found them in the index, under "animals, street." Writes Reynolds: "Manhattan and Brooklyn had a terrible problem with animals in the streets. Hogs rooted in the garbage that was heaped in the gutters. Efforts to remove them were repeatedly thwarted, because, in the absence of systematized garbage removal, they were useful as scavengers." Reynolds goes on to quote a visiting British mesmerist (!) who complains that the pigs have taken over not only the streets but "the sidewalks, frequently stopping the pedestrian in his course, and not unfrequently tripping people of meditation upon their noses." Before moving on to the problem of cows in the streets, Reynolds reminds us that "Charles Dickens in AMERICAN NOTES drew an amusing sketch of trying to cross Broadway while negotiating with eight fat sows."

Lest

Lest anyone think I am equating Lady Gaga with a pig or Marvin Hamlisch with a chicken, I should remind the world that I have gone back to my preferred "blog" practice of illustrating each "post" with an old, randomly selected picture.

Pig City Resolution

I have been wondering in what way a pork dish might be considered "City Chicken" (as recounted in a recent lively tale of the boyhood of Phil Oppenheim). At first it seemed to me that a pig was as rural at heart as any chicken (see GREEN ACRES). But then I started thinking about what Carl Sandburg said, something about Chicago being "hog-butcher to the world," right? And Chicago is a city. And I seemed to remember something in the David S. Reynolds biography of Walt Whitman that I read a long time ago, something about herds (broods?) of big, dangerous pigs just running around in the streets of Manhattan in the 19th century, but I'm too tired to look it up.

This Chicken Is Pork

Something I wrote in the new Oxford American made Phil remember a treat of his young adulthood in Binghamton, NY, a treat called "city chicken." Writes Phil, "City Chicken is not really from the 'city' (we're talking the southern tier of New York State here, less than an hour from beautiful downtown Scranton, Pa.), and it is not really chicken (it's pork)." As corroboration, Phil sends this "link" to the restaurant where he used to get his city chicken.

Margarine Viduity

Going back to random illustrations now, which is fitting, because I was just thinking about the terror of words coming loose from their objects, or the actuality of objects overpowering words, or something like that, you know, the regular things I think about, issues explored by William Faulkner and Little Lulu, as previously examined on the "blog," and you know that new Sam Shepard book I am loving so much and gradually quoting in its entirety right here on the "blog"? There's a passage in which a character recalls an incident from his childhood in which he suffered "confusion about naming a thing. My mother became very alarmed about it and marched me over to the icebox. She threw the door open and began hauling out things like a cube of margarine, for instance, holding it up close to my face and demanding that I pronounce the name of it... I called it 'majesty.'" Makes me think of Beckett, too. Like that part in KRAPP'S LAST TAPE when he's suddenly unsure about "viduity," which, when you think about it, is understandable, I mean, when does "viduity" ever come in normal conversation? So never mind, but there's other stuff like that in Beckett, too, trust me. Hey, and wasn't there an old commercial in which a guy would eat margarine and a crown would appear on his head because the margarine was so good that it made him feel like a potentate of limitless power? Maybe that's where the majesty comes in. You're welcome, Sam Shepard! Speaking of naming things, why do I perversely continue to call it "that new Sam Shepard book" and never give you its name? It's called DAY OUT OF DAYS.

Megan Abbott's Charming Euphemism

Megan Abbott is mailing me a book containing a passage about what "a rake" (to use her charming euphemism) Bob Hope was. I'll let you know!

Like I Said

Here are the opening and closing credits of the aforementioned kids' show called HOT DOG, starring Woody Allen and Jo Anne Worley (!):

Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner

Welcome once more dear friends to Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner. This is why we love Dr. "M.": She noted that Chip from TV's KATE AND ALLIE was on the most recent episode of LOST. Her skeptical husband, the mysterious farmer, advised her to double check with the imdb. And guess what Dr. "M." discovered on imdb (in addition to confirmation of her unerring eye for the forgotten sitcom characters of yesteryear)? That her husband, the mysterious farmer, is ON THERE. ON THE IMDB. He (the Farmer) was in a documentary called FARM! (the exclamation point is part of the title, we are happy to report). FARM! with an exclamation point is the best name ever for a documentary about farming. Do not worry: we are not revealing the farmer's true identity. Why, he could be any one of the farmers listed in the credits, you never know. Part of me wants to get back to illustrating the "blog" with completely random pictures. The other part of me wants to find a promotional photo of the cast of KATE AND ALLIE.

Make Way For Tomorrow

This nice picture comes from the twitter account of Michael Kupperman. Also on twitter, I have just learned that Alex Chilton, glorious light of Big Star, has passed away. There is something essentially wrong with twitter yet I know I am an old codger who must make way for tomorrow.

Chuckles

I was reading a restaurant review in the New York Times. A squab tastes like "illicit rides in late-night cabs." Watch your back, it's the Travis Bickle of squabs! In the same paragraph, a lamb loin "is low-whistle-and-chuckles food." Both descriptions are positive in context, very positive, in fact. I have not been so excited since the "explosive percussive burst that has the glistening texture of sunlight on a snowfield."

Bad Rap Song About LOST In the Works

Barry B. is working on a "(bad) rap song" about LOST. He sent me the awesome first verse, which I am not at liberty to divulge. The structure is loosely based on "Colors" by Ice T, Barry B. reveals, conceding, "We may be a season or two late."

Chicken Confirmation

Once again, "Blog" Buddy Chicken is the only one to weigh in on an important issue. She says that's DEFINITELY Sam Shepard playing drums with Ruth Buzzi. I couldn't believe my own eyes, but I believe hers.

Piano In a Flood

How about this description of a piano in a flood?: "It must've busted out through a window or something, but there it was - kind of rocking back and forth like a little white city all its own." Soon I will have typed out the entirety of Sam Shepard's new book right here on the "internet." Later: "Then, bam! - here it pops up again, white and shiny with its teeth grinning out at us."

Innuendoes Aplenty

Leave it to Michael, one of the editors of Kitty Snacks, to bring everything together, and by "everything" I mean Sam Shepard and Ruth Buzzi. This kind young man (who says he is rereading AS I LAY DYING because of our recent "posts" about Little Lulu; the "blog" has a positive impact on human life!) sends along a clip (below). Sam Shepard was in this band at one time, says Michael, though I do not see him here. However, I like to squint my eyes and pretend. Or I don't know, maybe that IS him keeping time and horsing around with Buzzi. The passage of life confuses me. No, wait, it's Sam for sure! Sam and Ruth. Check out that distinctive profile at 1:12. But this is a "blog" and it doesn't matter if I'm right. As Michael warns, be prepared for Buzzi's saucy innuendoes. If you do not enjoy saucy innuendoes, this may not be the clip for you!

C-Spandemonium!

Welcome once again to "C-Spandemonium!" I read in the New York Times today that C-Span is making its archives available online. I am going to go crazy on that stuff. I assume that this is the happiest day in "C-Spandemonium!" founder and director emeritus James Whorton, Jr.'s life.

Nowhere Is a Word

"Nowhere but the heavens," said the original guy. I think old Sam made a good edit.

1620

More about that new Sam Shepard book: IT IS THE MOST AMAZING COINCIDENCE IN THE WORLD OF HUMAN PEOPLE that he mentions Jerry Lewis on page 19 and Bob Hope on page 119. Look at that symmetry! What else? Well, the Bob Hope reference is unflattering. Mr. Shepard seems guilty of confusing the politics with the art, and who can blame him? So did the one guy who wrote that other book. So did the National Park Service. And yes, I said "art." Forget the "random picture rule." I am going to find a nice, new one of Bob. And stick it in Sam Shepard's face! Even though I love him. I bet Flannery O'Connor, whom Sam Shepard probably loves, was a million times more conservative than Bob Hope. There is a section of the Shepherd book called "Nephophobia." It means "fear of clouds." You know how the "blog" loves clouds. And it reminded me about something from my book that will never, ever apparently be published - actually, something from an early draft: "I wonder that there was never an ancient vogue for reading clouds. It seems to be something they overlooked. They would have called it nuagology." That was a line of dialogue from a character called Pearlie Withers, who was edited out anyway. And I guess according to Sam Shepard they would have called it nephology, which is actually a lot better. Finally, Sam Shepard quotes a "Separatist leader at Plymouth, 1620": "Our dwelling is but a wandering, and our abiding is but a fleeting, and in a word our home is nowhere."

I Like Sam

From that new Sam Shepard book: "I don't know about that one either - actually having a piece of writing change your life. I doubt it. Maybe for a spell. A day or two, but your whole life? I find that hard to believe."

Happy

Jerry Lewis pops up on page 19 of the new Sam Shepard book. It makes me happy to think about Sam Shepard thinking about Jerry Lewis.

Better

This partial panel (lifted from the same source) does a better job than the last one of illustrating the Faulkner/Little Lulu confluence much remarked on by scholars of our day and I think there's some Beckett or somebody in there too:

Addie Bundren's Pesky Neighbor Alvin

One of my smart students was talking about how Addie in AS I LAY DYING "kills her husband by repeating his name." Here's Faulkner: "He did not know that he was dead, then. Sometimes I would lie by him in the dark, hearing the land that was now of my blood and flesh, and I would think: Anse. Why Anse. Why are you Anse. I would think about his name until after a while I could see the word as a shape, a vessel, and I would watch him liquefy and flow into it like cold molasses flowing out of the darkness into the vessel, until the jar stood full and motionless: a significant shape profoundly without life like an empty door frame; and then I would find I had forgotten the name of the jar." Well, that reminded me of a Little Lulu story by John Stanley. It's collected in THE TOON TREASURY OF CLASSIC CHILDREN'S COMICS, edited by Art Spiegelman and Francoise Mouly, if you want to read it. Little Lulu's pesky neighbor Alvin notes that "'Foot' is a funny word!" His observation instigates a panel in which Little Lulu says, "Foot... Foot... Foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot... If you say it over and over again, it doesn't mean foot anymore." Alvin replies, "'Foot' is a funny word for a foot." In the next panel, Little Lulu says, "Foot! Foot! Foot! Foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot!" Alvin says, "Foot! Foot! Foot! Foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot!" And that's just on page 2 of a relentlessly escalating five-page story. Hey, look, I found someone else "blogging" about the same Little Lulu story! And the wonderful panels he reproduced will now cause me to break my "random picture rule" - designed to save my computer from blowing up - for the eighth time in a row.

Everything Is Great

Michael Kupperman owns a copy of HUGGER-MUGGER IN THE LOUVRE - a statement that requires no exclamation point! Because wouldn't he? He says (in reference to the same recent "blog" "post") that SALT AND PEPPER inspired one of his comics. Speaking of which, "Blog" Buddy Pamela found that elusive image of the novelization in question and passed it on. So everything is great!

No Ampersand For You

The same BELIEVER feature showing Jerry Lewis on the cover of a paperback also gives us the cover of the SALT AND PEPPER novelization by someone named Alex Austin. So I did a "Google Image Search" for salt and pepper paperback alex austin, but this (above) popped up instead. I don't know why. I wanted to show you the SALT AND PEPPER novelization. There's an ampersand on the cover! But now you have to buy THE BELIEVER to see it. In the meantime, I hope you will enjoy HUGGER-MUGGER IN THE LOUVRE in its stead.

LiterJerry Matters

Hello! Welcome once again to our dreaded listing of "Literary Matters." As you know, sometimes our literary matters concern Jerry Lewis, which makes them ever so slightly more palatable. At such times we hilariously call them "LiterJerry Matters." Today there is one "LiterJerry Matter" and one thing that is not a "LiterJerry Matter." So get ready. 1) Laura Lippman would like to announce that she has dibs on "and you will sit on the dirty seats you create" as a title for something. I think to make the title extra classy you need to include the ellipsis from the original: "... and you will sit on the dirty seats you create." Don't you agree? Isn't it classier? With the dot dot dot? Laura thinks it sounds like Faulkner, or part of a Bible verse Faulkner would have quoted in a title. I agree! 2) An image of Jerry Lewis appears in the current issue of THE BELIEVER! He is represented on the cover of a movie-tie-in paperback edition of VISIT TO A SMALL PLANET by Gore Vidal. I'm sure Gore was thrilled. He's so easygoing! I am starting to think that THE BELIEVER is the nation's number one publication when it comes to mentioning Jerry. The New York Times does it a lot, sure, but the New York Times comes out every day, so really they are missing more opportunities than they are nabbing. THE BELIEVER comes out just ten times a year, I think, and they manage to mention Jerry pretty frequently, so when you do the math, I don't know. I'm not good at math.

"and you will sit on the dirty seats you create."

This is really a new edition of "Hot News From Chicago," our popular continuing series in which our friend Judge takes pictures of things she sees in Chicago and sends them in so we can share them with the world. But we gave it a new title just for the day, also the title of the email Judge sent, also a line from the office bathroom notice - in an old factory building - of which Judge has taken a picture. Can you read it? I hope it is big enough for you to read. I do not know how to make things bigger on a computer. I will transcribe it for you if necessary, but you will still miss some of the action, because some phrases are typed in red ink for emphasis. Judge annotates: "I can almost feel the polyester in the air of the office it was typed in. A seething polyester rage." Well put, Judge. A queen of the verbal as well as pictorial arts!

Shenanigans Aplenty

Ha ha ha! Larry King is up to his old shenanigans again. Warning: don't "click" if you are not a fan of shenanigans!

Oedipus Has iPhone (and Rage)

"Oedipus Has iPhone (and Rage)" is the headline of a current New York Times theater review. I haven't read it. Sometimes I just like to read the headlines.

Another Classic Betwittering

We have another classic betwittering from the twitter account of Larry King.

And the Jasper Goes To...

I know everyone is eager to find out if I mercilessly crushed my little sister in our annual Oscars-guessing contest. I am happy to announce that I did (unlike last year). The score was 15-11. I want to thank my nephew Jasper for being born and keeping my sister up a lot so she can't think straight. I couldn't have done this without you, Jasper!

A Python Bit My Brother

A python bit my brother! I know, they usually squeeze. So my brother was lucky. If you consider a python bite lucky.

The Award For Best Carpet

I have been flooded with telegrams demanding a full report on the 2nd Annual McNeil's Movie Korner Film Festival. Let me put your anxious minds at rest. The festival began as promised with THE VILLAIN, followed by THE ERRAND BOY, a screener of A SERIOUS MAN, THE ATOMIC SUBMARINE, HOME FROM THE HILL (filmed in part right here in Oxford, including a scene inside City Grocery when it was a grocery store), LET IT RIDE, and MONSIEUR BEAUCAIRE. (I think the occasion demands some new, non-random illustrations.) Well, THE VILLAIN got things off to an abominable start, even though it featured cameos by "blog" objects of curiosity Foster Brooks and Ruth Buzzi. The term "thankless role" was invented for Ann-Margret, whose job in the film is to try gamely, though with evident exhaustion and diminishing returns, to get some simulacrum of a human response from her main acting partner Arnold Schwarzenegger. On the plus side, if you still have any doubts that Jerry Lewis is a genius, watch THE VILLAIN and then watch THE ERRAND BOY. Both films become, at some point, a series of independent vignettes. THE VILLAIN will help you appreciate the imagination with which Jerry sets up and shoots each standalone gag in THE ERRAND BOY. Even the ones that don't quite work are eminently bizarre, ambitious, and personal, as opposed to the flat anonymity of the former film. While there was no pervasive theme to this year's festival, such as "Psychiatrists and Turtlenecks," you can already sense to your great delight that there were small connections from one film to the next, and you are so excited that I am about to tell you what they were. For example, THE ERRAND BOY and A SERIOUS MAN both included the word "tsuris" in their scripts. THE ATOMIC SUBMARINE and HOME FROM THE HILL, while the production values and levels of awareness could not have been more different, were heavy on the Freud. In the former, there's a (SPOILER ALERT) long, cylindrical, threatening (partially bulbous?) one-eyed creature who gets his eye shot out! Okay? In HOME FROM THE HILL, George Hamilton and George Peppard love walking around with their shirts unbuttoned almost to their navels, a fashion statement repeated three decades later in LET IT RIDE by David Johansen of the New York Dolls, who plays "Loony." A prominent bit player goes for a similar look. At one point in LET IT RIDE, Richard Dreyfuss breaks the fourth wall, looks straight into the camera, and says (I think) "Am I having a great day or what?" This, of course, is a technique pioneered by MONSIEUR BEAUCAIRE star Bob Hope, such utterances most often occurring under potentially salacious circumstances, as indeed is the case in LET IT RIDE. I can hear you asking, "But what about carpet? We know how much McNeil loves good carpet in his movies." Yes, we should start giving out an award for Best Carpet. We'll call it the Carpie. This year's Carpie goes to A SERIOUS MAN. "Love that carpet," McNeil said while watching the film. He had some exactly like it when he was a kid. "I used to roll marbles on the flat part," he reported.

Explaining My Unicorn Pin to Hendrik Hertzberg

Last night Hendrik Hertzberg asked me about my unicorn pin, so I was obliged to babble earnestly on and on about what a complex problem it is to truly explain the significance of my unicorn pin while Hendrik Hertzberg stood there thinking "I could be in New York right now!"