Thursday, January 29, 2009

Oatmeal Tips

As promised, it's time again for "Oatmeal Tips." Today's oatmeal tip comes from Sarah Marine of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and (for now) the Harry W. Schwartz Bookshop. Sarah Marine likes her oatmeal pasty - the pastier the better. She writes: "I'm not quite sure why I like my oatmeal so very, very pasty. I only eat the Roundy's brand Maple and Brown Sugar Instant Oatmeal. I use two packages for one bowl of oatmeal. In the beginning, the best part is the mini mushroom cloud of oat dust created when dumping contents into the bowl. I add tap water that just covers the dusty oaties. Then, with class, I place the bowl in the microwave for an initial thirty seconds. I have to hoist myself up on the counter to monitor the absorption because I have one of those microwaves that is built in to the bottom of the cupboard. A good bowl is piping hot and really thick, thick like upon eating, much effort goes into the opening and closing of the mouth. On some days, I add some extra brown sugar." NOTE TO SARAH MARINE: I have just had the "Blog" Oatmeal Board look over your contribution and we feel we need to let you know THIS OATMEAL IS LIABLE TO KILL YOU! (Not the Roundy's brand itself, of course, which we are sure is the best Wisconsin has to offer, but the way you experiment with it like some modern day oatmeal loving Dr. Oppenheimer.) Oatmeal, handled properly, is among the healthiest of nature's many healthy treats. But we believe you are endangering yourself by 1) eating the instant oatmeal (which, as we have noted before in "Oatmeal Tips," is not as wholesome as its longer simmering cousin) and 2) subscribing to the old Phil Oppenheim theory of oatmeal, that is, the way he abused it before he got married and had children and became responsible. All that being said, we are generally libertarians in our attitudes toward oatmeal consumption and don't wish to stand in the way of your enjoyment. Also, we thank you for your contribution to "Oatmeal Tips." You are young and living the good life! Forget what we said. And to everyone else, if YOU want to be like Sarah Marine, send YOUR oatmeal tip to "Oatmeal Tips" c/o "Writer" Oxford, MS 38655.