"Blog"trospective 2: Phil Oppenheim

Oppenheim, Phil - actual words of---all good things stem from---allows tired women to stand---always first---always succinct---announces the death of Soupy Sales---appears several times in the Arnold Stang "blog"trospective---apologizes for maligning Jack Carson---appearance in ill-fated "blog"dex---as cautionary tale for Sarah Marine---as he appeared 12 years ago---as one proof of McNeil's existence---as source of information on INVASION USA---asks a question---attends an Ornette Coleman concert---attends Tyler Perry screening party---awe of upgraded to worship---awesomeness of---Benny, Jack; Phil speculates on the death of---Brownstein, Carrie; neighbor of---bull drinking soda in hometown of---calls McNeil's existence into question---cares about Jack Carter---Carson, Jack; sends driver safety video starring---casts shame on Gilmore Girls---changes mind---changes mind again---"Chiseler" revealed by---churlishness of---city chicken and---clarifies seemingly hurtful statements---concerned about spalling---craziness over oatmeal billboard serves as comparison---crustiness undiminished---debunks three-handed beatnik---"deconstruction" makes him mad---definitely likes where Jonathan Lethem is going with "Omega the Unknown---discovers Plastic Man in Burbank---disillusionment of---disparages Jack Carson---disqualified from Oscar Wilde contest---does job too well---"Eat That Chicken" and---eats a shocking amount of oatmeal---eefing and---emailing Phil about how good Dean and Jerry would have been in STEP BROTHERS---enjoys pie---ennui of---eyeballs of scorched---fancy tastes of---favorite movie revealed---fears the ruination of oatmeal---finds Stephen Leacock "pretty ******* hilarious"---forwards "link" to Superman article---friend of appears in New York Times---further reflections on boyhood eating habits of---gets drunk---greatest triumph of---grousing of---Handelman, Stanley Myron and---HARD-BOILED t-shirt of repurposed as part of quilt---has a Corner Gas t-shirt---has possibly heard of Professor Irwin Corey---has real job---HIPSTER HEGEMONY and---home office of---hopes I'm sitting down---hot Jerry tip of---in tune with the feelings of graduate students---inspires people to check out library books---irrationally continues to insist that McNeil does not exist---issues communique---jerky of---jerky of; source of---keeps tabs on the James Beard Awards---Klinker, Effie; spry libido of and---knowledge of penny-farthings comes in handy - again!---knows what I'm talking about (maybe)---knows what to call those bicycles with a big wheel in front and a little wheel in back---laments the absence of the Quangaroo---likes Mindy Kaling---likes something---loans me his battered paperback of DINO: LIVING HIGH IN THE DIRTY BUSINESS OF DREAMS---LOVE BOAT, THE, and---magazine subscription of---McNeil in awe of---monkey video of depresses me---monster shrimp and---mother dated Marty Ingels and Arnold Stang---mother makes him kasha---names "best page on the internet"---New Orleans video provided by---Nick Fury and---not a mythical creature---not an egghead elitist---not to be outdone---notes that Rory from GILMORE GIRLS loved Dawn Powell---oatmeal cart and---"old-timey books" and---Oscar wrap-up with---Pac-Man entwined with life story in a surprising way---pensiveness of---Phil Oppenheim Fan Club---pigeon "link" and---potential birthday oatmeal of---practices usurpation---prefers sazerac to Pimm's Cup---presents James Whorton, Jr.'s Velvet Suit Theatre---president of the Stang Spotters Club (Eastern chapter)---probably has a "blog"---probably knows what to call that hat with goggles on it---proves that the Fall's opening act sounds like a Fall cover band---puts aside ambivalence---QT dead to---questions cultural imperialism---quotes Clash lyrics---reading chair of---reads books---recommends awesome African music---reiterates---relative worthiness of pie recommendations considered---reminds everyone about Joey Heatherton's birthday---responsible for success of "blog"---ridiculed by underlings---robbed of joy---Robert Walser gives him a headache---role as "Blog" Buddy---role as flunky---Sage of Atlanta, The (nickname)---says a film festival is showing SHIP OF MONSTERS---sees stars---sends a nice article---sends additional pie information---sends along Jerry Lewis's Bavarian cream recipe---sends comic book cover featuring Bizarro Supermen dressed up as JFK, Marilyn, and Jerry Lewis for Halloween---SHAKE HANDS WITH DANGER and---Shelley Berman amongst the greatest things he has ever seen---SHIP OF MONSTERS and---shirt of is older than half the people in this room---Smokey Stover and---soft spot for Gilmore Girls---something else makes me think of that oatmeal billboard he hates so much---Sommer, Elke, makes day of---spends Mardi Gras in Atlanta---still likes pie---sums up own legacy---tells me about Jerry Lewis wanting to smack Lindsay Lohan in the mouth---tells me Jerry Lewis died---tells of a cantor's influence on Ornette Coleman---tempers his highbrow Strindberg reference---tendency to gasp with delight---threats of---TWISTER'S REVENGE and---underlying sweetness of---use of the word "twee"---wants everyone to know that Larry King is on Twitter---Weegee and---Whorton, James, Jr. and share musical tastes---wife of posits Lenny and the Squigtones as ideological forerunners of Spinal Tap---Williams, Hank Jr. and---work ethic of---would appreciate GERSHWIN: HIS LIFE AND WORK by Howard Pollack---would know which is Olsen and which is Johnson. Also enjoy our PREVIOUS "BLOG"TROSPECTIVE on TOM FRANKLIN.

Maybe I'll Slap It Between Two Pieces of Bread With Some Yellow Mustard and My Favorite Pickles

I'm referring to the leftover roast. And here are the pickles, in case you've forgotten.

Leftover Roast

I'm about to have some leftover roast. It's hard to think of anything better than leftover roast. Oh boy! Leftover roast!

Something Else

Hey, remember when I was telling you about which "blogs" I like to check frequently? I suppose I should have mentioned Don Markstein's Toonopedia, though it is not a "blog," exactly, at least as I understand "blogs," which is not very well, no, not at all. But this fellow is admirable in his unstinting dedication to building up a mighty edifice of information. For instance, do you want to know which superhero had but one sad power, that of slipping himself under doors? The Toonopedia is your best bet! Mr. Markstein adds new things all the time, although I believe I have beaten him to O.G. Whiz. But here's the thing: When Mr. Markstein chooses to write about O.G. Whiz, it will be the definitive article in the growing field of O.G. Whiz scholarship.

Belated Waterfowl Revelation

Jim Whorton would like to set the record straight on a matter previously discussed here at the "blog." He has suddenly recalled a second comic book character who, like The Phantom Hitchhiker, filled his young mind with morbid fascination. This character: Howard the Duck. "Sometimes the duck seemed menacing," Whorton asserted recently. He could not provide specific examples, though the accompanying illustration uncovered by the "blog's" team of unpaid research assistants might certainly make a sensitive young man nervous.

Shake Well

You know the kind of juice that you have to "shake well" before pouring? I never feel as if I'm truly "shaking well" until the bottle is about two-thirds empty. Then I can really give it a good shake! And I feel as if I have given the juice its due. Otherwise I am suspicious of the juice. Like, I wonder what this would taste like if I had really been able to shake it well, the way I longed to do? It is my fault, not yours, juice! This is what I silently tell the juice.

Let's Go Through Karen's Mail! Chapter One: Chocolate Catalog

Do you like to go through other people's mail? Sure, who doesn't? But sometimes you feel too shy or law-abiding. That's where the "blog" comes in, with our brand new regular feature "Let's Go Through Karen's Mail!" It's devastatingly simple: Every now and then we're going to go through the mail of noted memoirist Karen Spears-Zacharias. "Checking the mail" is one of the most exciting parts of any day. And now you can do it on-line, thanks to the "blog." Yesterday, Karen received a catalog advertising gourmet chocolates. "I've never gotten chocolates like that from anyone," Karen tells us. "I did get a red cellophane-wrapped box of Whitman's once from a boy whose name I've long since forgotten, but oddly, I remember that he was from Pulaski, Florida." This is what happens when we check the mail, people! The big world and all its mysteries enshroud us! A gulf! An abyss! Karen also received a letter from a friend in Oregon, scolding Karen for not sending a Christmas card. Stay tuned for more.

I Don't Know What Leonard Maltin Wants From Me

I pronounce DOCTOR, YOU MUST BE KIDDING a perfectly pleasant artifact of a certain kind of Hollywood machinery. Leonard Maltin (in my 1993 Movie Guide with the cover torn almost completely off with use - yea, this book was my very Bible!) calls it a "BOMB" (caps his). Once again I'm forced to wonder where Mr. Maltin and I parted ways. I can imagine that someone might not enjoy DOCTOR, YOU MUST BE KIDDING for any number of reasons. But the colors are nice. Mort Sahl is funny as the nightclub owner, if you like Mort Sahl. It features a mod rock combo called The Wild Affair, who play at a place named The Green Orchid. It has the Incredible Hulk and Dobie Gillis in it! (I mean Bill Bixby and Dwayne Hickman.) Sandra Dee gives a performance weighted with a kind of offhand naturalism that plays well against the stylized absurdity of the plot. Why must we call it a "BOMB" in such big letters? Surely we can think of a nicer way to voice our disapproval. All in all, it makes me contemplate what Jim Whorton said about Richard Nixon. Mr. Maltin, you old trickster, you have me thinking about problems of deep morality! And for that, sir, I salute you.

Val Lewton Error

For a few days now, I have had a "post" up, referring to CURSE OF THE DEMON as a "Val Lewton production." It just popped into my head how wrong I am. Jacques Tourneur directed CURSE OF THE DEMON, and he also directed a few Val Lewton movies, which is what confused me. See? I'm not perfect! Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I have changed the text of that "post," because I didn't want you to reread it and get your mind blown or think you were going crazy or something!

Two Roads Diverged In a Yellow Wood

I ran into the top-notch mystery writer David Fulmer (JASS, THE DYING CRAPSHOOTER'S BLUES, etc.) the other day. He invited me to a reading he's giving in East Atlanta, at a place called Bound to be Read. Only get this! Mr. Fulmer's reading takes place on January 27th at 7:30 p.m.: the EXACT DATE AND TIME of my reading with the Duck & Herring people in Decatur. I felt like it was only ethical to mention Mr. Fulmer's reading now that I've heard about it. I don't know, maybe you would prefer it! It's none of my business! I will mention, only in passing, that at the Duck & Herring reading, Hollis Gillespie, with whom I have had the honor of reading before, will be demonstrating the making of delicious cupcakes and passing them out once made, fresh and warm, to one and all.

McNeil's Movie Korner: The Aquamarine Consternation

Welcome to another edition of McNeil's Movie Korner. The old ham radio began picking up signals from Jeff McNeil during today's showing of BOY, DID I GET A WRONG NUMBER on TCM. McNeil was livid about a continuity error that prevented him from applying his full concentration to the scene in which Elke Sommer took a bubble bath in a big tin washtub. The chair positioned behind the tub, it seems, changed from orange to aquamarine on a number of occasions. McNeil couldn't swear to it, but he's pretty sure the walls changed colors a few times, too.

Mitigating Nixonian Reflection

A correction: Jim Whorton was not subconsciously trying to give us confusing feelings about Bob Hope, contrary to a previous report. "Nixon wasn't all bad!" Whorton insisted in a written statement. "He went to China. His daughters were pretty." Here the statement was abruptly broken off.

The Accidental Boss

I just realized that in one of my recent "posts" I accidentally quoted some Bruce Springsteen lyrics. The first person to identify said lyrics wins that copy of the Martin & Lewis movie THE STOOGE that I can't seem to give away. Guesses by telegram only.

"Blog"trospective 1: Tom Franklin

For reasons that have already been discussed, today we are introducing an exciting new feature to the "blog." We call it "blog"trospectives. Say hello to our first subject, Tom Franklin. This is where you go on the "blog" to learn everything that the "blog" has to say about Tom Franklin! And as other "blog"trospectives are introduced, in the eighty or so years we expect to keep on "blogging," we will "link" each "blog"trospective to the one that came before it, creating a mighty library of learning to rival the one in ancient Alexandria. Without further ado, then - Franklin, Tom: Abbott, Megan, and Phillips, Scott, reading CROOKED LETTER, CROOKED LETTER (novel by); accordion played at home of; ADVENTURE TIME plot hinges on favorite TV show of; allegedly curls his hair for a trip to Faulkner's grave; almost titles or subtitles a book THE ALABAMIAD; anniversary of his eating a roasted pig; appearance on a panel with; appears in ill-fated "blog"dex; appears on Anthony Bourdain's television program; appears on TREME; as host; as object of contemplation; as source of encouragement and solace; as test subject for "blog"trospectives; asks about WHERE'S HUDDLES; at Faulkner's grave; at my birthday party; at opening of Turnrow Book Co; attends a party at Jimmy Buffett's mother's house; attends a wedding; auspices of; award-winning poet; becomes a New York Times best seller; behind on his viewing of LOST; brings comic books to my sickbed; brings even more comic books; brings OMAC comic books to lunch; brings over comic books about Zatanna, the Flash, and Swamp Thing; Brontë, Anne, reminds me of; buys me comic books; changes his mind about in what order I should read a couple of Stephen King books; chicken in yard of; claims I have "left gatherings to 'blog'"; coffee and shower, both hot, provided by; considers driving several hours to meet Susan Minot, but then doesn't; consternation of; coughs up a gnat---CROOKED LETTER, CROOKED LETTER (novel); crows constantly discussed at dinner with; daughter of; daughter of plays the game I mistakenly think is called "Mumbly-Peg"---Demon, The; discussed at lunch with; depressed about Captain Marvel; DEVILWOOD (novel by) has owl balls in it; digs out an old paperback, with disappointing results; discusses spelling; does Styx at karaoke; doesn't like to see woman's head get swatted off by a grizzly bear; doubts the continued existence of "blogs"; drinks at TGI Friday's on Christmas Eve---drinks from an ornate silver goblet; drinks from the goblet of a murderer; drive to Arkansas with; dual protagonists and; eats a roasted pig; Edgar nominee, 2011; enjoys the movie WHIFFS; explains that a giant who changes size isn't really a giant; extra in DEADWOOD, an; faces his fears; eyes of; "fave" FRASIER episode of; favorite movie is DUMB & DUMBER; fear of Barbara Eden; fear of Barbara Eden not laughable; first met at Olive Garden; forced to dress up as a duke; forgets what's in his books; gets a great review in the Washington Post; gives the gift of horror comics; glasses of shield him from "devil eyes" effect; gothic short story of, featuring Buck Owens; "Grit" (short story by); hanging out with at City Grocery Bar; has a cool mailbox; has a fan in "Comic Book Villain"; hates wasps; hiccuping through lunch with; I watch his favorite FRASIER episode; indirectly provides important answers; influence of Charles Portis on punctuation; inspires the excessive purchase of old comic books; interviewed by Boswell Book Company of Milwaukee; interviewer of contacts "blog"; introduces Lewis Nordan; introduces me to Fly Man; introduces me to Via Bleidner; introduces William Gay novel; is a golden goose of sorts; keen eye for natural phenomena; killing time before a drink with; knocking one back with; Kubert, Joe; Franklin announces the death of; LAST NIGHT AT THE LOBSTER and; laugh shared with; likes "blog"; likes same movie as history professor's son; Lippfrankmanlinfest and; lives in Brazil; long lunch with; looks like an old wizard in a book club; loves soup; lunch with; lunch with, and consequences of, foreseen; makes a regular thing of shaving my head; McNeil claims to have as many adventures as; mentioned in interview; moderation of; "Nap Time" (short story); niceness of; "Noir at the Bar" reading subject of plugging; not done with New York Times best seller list; old Daredevil comic book of; on Alabama ghosts; on Black Canary and Green Arrow; on Blues Brothers; on marital relationship of Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Girl; on relationship between Plastic Man and a sexy nuclear scientist; para-glides off mountain; photo of Dr. Theresa by; picture of reading in eerie lamplight; pictured amidst gaggle of writers; praised by Nick Hornby; proof that we shucked oysters; proof that we've met; prose of; publicist of; reading PORTNOY'S COMPLAINT while waiting for; reads from Faulkner's niece's memoir; recipient of Mike Douglas Prize; recognizes Paul Giamatti; recommends AN ARSONIST'S GUIDE TO WRITERS' HOMES IN NEW ENGLAND by Brock Clarke; recommends DOCTOR SLEEP; reminisces about canned pear; represents one of the 50 ways to love Jerry Lewis; sees Jerry Lewis on Brasilian television; sees monkeys; sees spiders like brooches; shaves my head; shirtless; shown a business card with a dragon on it; "Shubuta" (short story by); shucking oysters with; SIDESWIPE (Willeford novel) given to as present; Smonk as novel title and middle name; SMONK (novel) has own MySpace page; speaks of moors, bogs and fens; starts me on the road to shame and ruin; takes me to a movie; telling Tom about the Magic Calculator; texting Tom about Superman; texting with about the finer points of cowboy comic books; THAT'S MY BOY and; thinks movies might be better than writing; thinks of Jerry Lewis in Brasil; varieties of ladybug and; watching BARRY LYNDON with; went to see a movie about e-mail with; wins gold dagger; wins LA Times Book Prize; witnesses the undoing of eyeglass repairs; writes one of the two good things on the "internet".

She's Gonna Learn 'Em Good!

Today is the first day of Theresa's class. She made it up in her head and now she's teaching it at Emory University! I looked at the syllabus and I'm pleased to say she's going to make those college kids watch KISS ME STUPID. That's what these college kids need these days! A little Dino.

Set Your Alarms

Don't forget, people. Tomorrow is the big day. Let's all chip in and do our share of the viewing!

You Remember Pia

Hey, I forgot. Sometime soon we're initiating a whole new "blog" feature called Pia's Composer Korner. It'll be like McNeil's Movie Korner, except classy.

New Ideas In "Blogging"

Okay, it's like this. I'm going to try to lay it out there before I get too tired and bored with myself to go on. Remember what a wretchedly stupid idea the magisterial "blog"dex was? Well, now that the "blog" has been "improved" by the people who invented "blogs," it turns out that the "blog"dex - or a subtle variation of it - may indeed have uses after all. I plan to use my new kind of mini-"blog"dex to rectify what I call "The Whorton Paradox." That is, the more I enjoy a person and/or his or her work, the more I tend to "blog" about that person... BUT that requires the idle and unwilling modern "blog" reader to "click" far too many times before reaching the essential kernel of the... okay, I've bored myself now. Sorry. Long story short: in a few days, you can expect to see an exciting new innovation here at the "blog." Name: "Blog"trospectives. Test subject: Tom Franklin. It's going to be like you never saw a "blog" before! That exclamation point took a lot out of me. Farewell.

She Tells You What She's Reading So I Don't Have To

So I found another "blog" to check every day, in addition to my beloved Aquaman "blog." This one is by a young woman of Mississippi. She tells you about books! And she does a bang-up job of it. Now I don't feel so bad about my own abandonment of the subject. She's taking up the slack! She's in fine fettle! It's almost like the Lord planned it this way. Why, just recently she "posted" an interview with "blog" "faves" The Lee Bros. So there you have it. Listen, I have plenty of good ideas for "posts," but I'm kind of tired. Don't be surprised if I take the day off tomorrow. To make yourself feel better, read the Aquaman "blog" or the book "blog." I'm a tired old man, what do you want from me? I'm thinking up a big "post" about Tom Franklin, and I need to fast and sit on a pole for a couple of days, you know the score. (Pictured, the object of my contemplation, Tom Franklin.)

A Warm Moment

I called my publisher today, because I was curious about the rumor that I have written a book. I got hold of a particular young woman who works there and sang, "I want my paperback, paperback, paperback, paperback." I sang it to the tune of the Chili's jingle! What a cut-up! I love to cut capers. A good time was had by all. After the laughter and tears had subsided, the young woman told me that there might be an unopened box somewhere in the office, and in that unopened box might be the paperback of my book! Later, her suspicions were confirmed. Yes, it turns out that I have written a book, and that the paperback actually exists. Go get one, y'all. If you think you might want one.

Lizabeth Scott

As promised, here is our weekly picture of Lizabeth Scott.

Resonant Quodlibet Designation

Hey, remember when I discovered the word "galimatias" through the power of reading? Well, last night I was reading again! And I found a reference to an early Mozart quodlibet entitled "Gallimathias Musicum." Come on, folks. Don't you think galimatias and gallimathias probably mean the same thing? I do! What a crazy world we live in as human people! And it's all thanks to the power of reading.

Magruder & Friends

I have renounced telling you what I'm reading, but I suffer no such compunction about telling you what Jim Whorton is reading: Jeb Magruder's 1974 book AN AMERICAN LIFE. "Did you know," writes Whorton, "Bob Hope was an occasional Nixon surrogate in 1969 and the early 70s? Magruder got him to speak up for Nixon on THE TONIGHT SHOW and he helped organize 'Honor America Day' for the 1970 congressional campaign. That was the event at which Red Skelton performed an interpretative reading of the Pledge of Allegiance. But the event was marred by some hippies who held a 'smoke-in' at the Washington Monument then threw rocks and bottles at the crowd." Well! It seems as if Mr. Whorton may be attempting, subconsciously, to give us mixed emotions about Bob Hope! But remember, we should not NECESSARILY judge artists by their politics! I don't know, maybe sometimes we should! I'm too tired to figure it out right now. Besides, Bob Hope was probably a liberal compared to, say, Flannery O'Connor. By the way, it is stunning that this is the "blog's" first mention of Red Skelton, whose cameo in the Dick Powell film SUSAN SLEPT HERE is only funny if you know who Red Skelton is, but if you do, it's hysterical. (Pictured, Magruder and Skelton.)

McNeil's Movie Korner: Regret

Welcome to McNeil's Movie Korner, our exclusive regular feature that teaches you to watch movies the Jeff McNeil way! Mr. McNeil is sad to report that he only made it through ten minutes of DON'T WORRY WE'LL THINK OF A TITLE, despite its awesome title, before making the radical decision to delete it from his DVR unwatched and unburned. "It wasn't worth the dollar I would have spent on a blank DVD," McNeil said, choking back the tears.

Today's Weather

Jim Whorton reports "a lovely mild ice storm" in Upstate New York. "All the trees look **** ********** ********* *****," he continues. His description is so nice and unusual that he may want to use it in a short story or novel, at least I would if I were him, so for his sake I have chosen to censor it.

I Don't Know What Anything Means

Last night, and never mind what I was reading, I ran across the word "forgo." Huh, that's funny, I thought. I just used that word in a "post," didn't I? Only I spelled it "forego." So, anyway, I looked it up in the dictionary, and "forgo" and "forego" mean two different things, and what I meant was "forgo." Sure, the dictionary, in a grudging afterthought, mentions that "forego" can be a variation of "forgo," but that just feels like a bone that the dictionary is throwing to people like me who are too lazy to learn the difference. Anyway, there, I wanted to clear that up. I apologize to both words for the confusion.

Beethoven, Ben Marcus

I just finished reading NOTABLE AMERICAN WOMEN by Ben Marcus, a corker of a novel, not that you should care what I've been reading. Somehow I've gotten myself into a rut of reporting such things to the world at large, which doesn't and shouldn't care. It's a practice I'm going to discontinue after this "post," because it is unseemly. But NOTABLE AMERICAN WOMEN is amusing and frightening, often at once, and overlain with a pleasing, lulling, almost clinical smoothness - SEEMINGLY! - that works in purposeful opposition to the book's sulfuric content. So now I am on to LATE BEETHOVEN: MUSIC, THOUGHT, IMAGINATION by Maynard Solomon, for which I believe Ben Marcus has prepared me nicely. Take this sentence from page 2 of the Beethoven book: "Attention is inevitably drawn to the failure of his marriage project by his early forties, followed by his renunciation of the possibility of domestic happiness, and his increasing tendency to isolate himself from the world." Marriage project? Pure Marcus! And so ends, now and forever, the regrettable habit of electronic chit-chat about "what I'm reading." Good night.

Overdue Whorton Adjustment

It occurs to me that I have done Jim Whorton a disservice. The way I have it set up now, you have to "click" on his name five or six times, and then the word "dag" three MORE times, before you find out that he is a novelist more properly known as James Whorton, Jr. Although I know that you love to "click" and "click" until every possibility of "clicking" has been exhausted, I feel that there should be a quicker way to learn about Mr. Whorton's work for those who need to find something to read right away. Here is one way. Please mentally remove the word "lightweight" from the otherwise pleasing description of FRANKLAND. It is the wrong word, though this fellow's heart seems to be in the right place where Whorton's work is concerned. I have "linked" to a "blog" because I don't like to "link" to that famous electronic store named after a mighty river of some repute, but somehow I feel okay that I have let this other "blogger" do it for me.

McNeil's Movie Korner: Euphoria

Jeff McNeil suggests that every man, woman, and child take the day off on Friday, January 19th, and watch TCM all day long. It is, McNeil has concluded, that cable station's greatest day of programming ever. McNeil himself has considered calling in sick but will most likely set his famous DVR instead, though he fears it may burn down his house from overuse. Things kick off early Friday morning with a McNeil favorite, BUENA SERA, MRS. CAMPBELL. After that, an early Jack Lemmon comedy entitled PHFFFT. Next up, HOW TO SAVE A MARRIAGE AND RUIN YOUR LIFE, already the subject of so much appreciative discussion on the "blog." Then comes the jewel in the day's glorious crown: Bob Hope and Phyllis Diller in BOY, DID I GET A WRONG NUMBER. (Here is the part where I should apologize again for never having mastered "paragraph breaks," because let me tell you, we're just getting started.) McNeil has decided to give the next movie, ONCE MORE WITH FEELING, a shot, because even though the cast (Yul Brynner) doesn't have the authentic McNeil vibe, the plot seems to fit right in. After that comes Cary Grant's final movie, WALK, DON'T RUN. But it's not over yet! According to McNeil, the next film sounds "dreadful in a great way," and it has the truly McNeilian kind of title that we discussed in the most recent McNeil's Movie Korner: DOCTOR, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING. On into the night they come, a triple feature of Neil Simon, including a movie way up there on the McNeil list: THE ODD COUPLE. After the three Simon movies comes CURSE OF THE DEMON. Yes, the tone has shifted, but it's a fine, effective, cheap Jacques Tourneur movie with lots of atmosphere... and it's followed by Vincent Price in the Roger Corman version of HOUSE OF USHER. You can ask for no better crash course in Movies the McNeil Way than to watch everything from BUONA SERA, MRS. CAMPBELL to THE SUNSHINE BOYS in a single sitting, while on a strict fast. The two films after that are more in the Theresa Starkey mode, but will make for an excellent means of reentry into the so-called real world. Enjoy!

A Heartening Discovery

I have just found out, quite by accident, that a woman we will call "A.," who happens to be married to the history professor, is a huge fan of both Jerry Lewis and THE WIRE. This opens up all sorts of avenues! One can imagine, for example, when the fifth season of THE WIRE begins, get-togethers at which each new episode is followed by the viewing of a Jerry Lewis classic. Perhaps a small buffet supper will be served at these events! It's certainly something to think about.

O.G. Whiz

Well, I was working on a new novel today, one which, as I believe I've mentioned before, involves Richie Rich to a small extent. Anyway, something popped into my mind out of nowhere: a comic book character I really enjoyed as a child. His name was O.G. Whiz. He was wealthy, like Richie Rich, but unlike Richie Rich he worked for it. O.G. Whiz was the president of a toy company. Well, I looked him up on the "internet" and there he was. I'm not kidding, you have to check out the "internet" some time, you won't believe how much stuff they've put on the "internet." All sorts of subjects! I discovered, by the way, that O.G. Whiz looks exactly like a particular executive at one of my old jobs. I mean exactly!

The Big Maybe

A call to my publisher confirmed that the paperback version of my first book was "probably" released today. I have seen no evidence to support this optimistic assessment! So, the first person who notifies me in a verifiable manner that he or she has actually spotted the paperback for sale in a public place will win a copy of THE STOOGE starring Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis, which, let's face it, Caroline is never going to claim.

Son of Travel Tips

After a lengthy hiatus, the "travel tips" feature of our "blog" is back in business. Agent "M." reports via postcard from Maui that she has discovered the Hawaiian equivalent of Uncle Mort's! That's right, a little touch of Jasper, Alabama, in the heart of the islands. What more could anyone want? "M." recommends breakfasting upon pancakes with Bananas Foster, bacon on the side, fresh pineapple, and a pot of hot Kona coffee. The place is called the Kula Lodge, and it sits near the entrance to Haleaka National Park, at the foot of the 10,000 ft. volcano of the same name. "M.'s" traveling companion, a noted farmer, wept throughout the entire meal. But he was not sad! Nor was he weeping with happiness at the panoramic view of the island. No, the culprit was a microscopic piece of volcanic sand which had flown into his eye whilst he peered innocently into the magnificent crater of Haleaka! A doctor had to use a microscope to find and remove the literally microscopic particle! That's today's travel tip: When you're traveling this great nation of ours, watch out for microscopic sand coming out of a volcano! You'll be glad you did.

Aqua"blog"

People often come up to me on the street and punch me in the arm in a comradely fashion and accost me thusly: "Say, Pendarvis, you're a big man in the 'blogging' biz." At which I demurely blush and trace figures in the sand with the toe of my shoe. "But what 'blogs' do YOU read for enjoyment?" they persist. Well, there's only one "blog" I consult every single day. It's by a woman in the Washington State area. Her name is Laura Gjovaag and the name of her "blog" is "Bloggity-Blog-Blog-Blog." The thing that I love is this: She has assigned herself the massive project of reading, summarizing and commenting upon EVERY SINGLE SOLO ADVENTURE OF AQUAMAN EVER! There is something so very comforting and satisfying, I don't know why, about waking up at the crack of 2 or 3pm every day and reading one of Ms. Gjovaag's Aquaman summaries. I will "link" here to a recent one that gives an excellent flavor, I think, of what she is up to.

Possible Panto Resurrection

We heard from Kelly Hogan (whose birthday it happens to be) that there is a good chance the panto - for which this "blog" is so hugely responsible... NOT! ha ha ha! I said one thing, then I said "NOT!" thereby invalidating my original statement - will be performed as part of the South By Southwest Festival. There is a stumbling block, and a tempting one it is. Ms. Hogan may have to forego her acclaimed panto role of Cap'n Skate to sing as the opening act for the legendary Lesley "It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To" Gore in Chicago the very same night. As quandaries go, it is a pleasant one, though a doozy! (Pictured, the legendary Lesley Gore.)

Jeff McNeil Wants You!

Jeff McNeil is looking for investors. His "intellectual enterprise," as he calls it, is in dire need of backers. In short, Mr. McNeil's surefire system of breaking the bank playing craps remains no more than a beautiful dream until he can raise the $3,000 necessary to make it happen, and happen big. For a small investment, Mr. McNeil suggests, a person could reap his or her mathematically appropriate share of the certain profits.

The Pretzel Story

Today, Jim Whorton (pictured), was eating a pretzel. Afterward he tried to get a crumb off his hand, to no avail. "Then," reports Whorton, "I saw it was a little piece of a price tag that was stuck to my finger."

Daily Moue Report

Moue, unlike charivari, was just sitting in my brain dormant, waiting to be used. I knew it from somewhere, and it just popped out unbidden. No other word has generated such response here in the Pendarvis Building! Some have asked about pronunciation. To these I can only say, "Think umlaut!" Another person wrote in to say that she misread "moue" as "mouse," and thought, while reading my definition, "Yes, that's just like a mouse."

Favorite Hubcap City Lyric

People often come up to me and say, "Hey, buddy. What's your favorite Hubcap City lyric?" To which I invariably reply: "'Where'd you get the ice cream?' 'From the wreck of the ice cream truck.'" Hey, writers! There's a whole story for you in two lines. Listen and learn, people! Listen and learn.

Spin

Hey, I just found out that when I do the Duck & Herring reading, I'll also be "spinning" some "platters" on a turntable before and after the event. I've already picked out Eric Dolphy's version of Fats Waller's "Jitterbug Waltz." The rest is going to be a surprise. Put it on your calendar and come out and be surprised! (Pictured, the awesome Eric Dolphy.)

Charivari

Toward the end of THE IDIOT I learned a new word: charivari. The best part was, when I looked it up in the dictionary, the dictionary told me to "see SHIVAREE"! So I gladly saw "shivaree." I won't spoil it for you, look it up! These are English words, I reckon! They're in my dictionary. Maybe they're in yours! Hey, when the dictionary tells you to "see" something, and then you go "see" it, it's kind of like "clicking" on a "link."

The Idiot

Hey, I finished reading THE IDIOT last night! I know, who cares? But when you start "blogging," there are certain requirements. Like, remember when I mentioned that I read MADAME BOVARY shortly before THE IDIOT? Now I have to tell you, by "blogging" law, that in the last section of THE IDIOT, the part I read last night, the title character becomes momentarily fascinated by MADAME BOVARY. I know! It really makes you think and ponder! I was so terrified and moved by the ending of THE IDIOT that I couldn't sleep, so I jumped right in to the next book on the stack: NOTABLE AMERICAN WOMEN by Ben Marcus. Like you care! But it's just the kind of writing I like, based on the first 25 pages or so, which are all I have read so far. Does this knowledge help you in your daily life? Probably not! But if you want to know what kind of writing I usually like, read the first 25 pages of NOTABLE AMERICAN WOMEN by Ben Marcus and then your troubled mind will be at ease!

What a Moue Is

A moue is a kind of funny little face, with a sullen undertone, I think. Is it insulting that I told you that? You probably already knew! I'm sorry. I think I'm such a big shot with my haughty ways.

Gigantic Picture of Morey Amsterdam Invisible to Some

What you are supposed to see when you "click" on my "link" here is a gigantic picture of Morey Amsterdam illustrating the latest edition of McNeil's Movie Korner. Who wouldn't want to see that? But some people particularly want to see it. I am referring to the irate legions of Morey Amsterdam fans who have called in to alert me that not every "computing" device is allowing people to see that gigantic picture of Morey Amsterdam so considerately supplied for the intended entertainment of all. I will try, with this "post," to provide a more modest, if sadly inferior, picture of Mr. Amsterdam, and I hope that everyone's "computer" can see it, not just the fancy "computers" of rich people. For those who cannot see the original photo, I will try to describe it as best I can: Mr. Amsterdam, presented in lifelike color, is gesturing comically while forming an equally comical, though somewhat threatening, moue.

"Blog" Celebrates 300th "Post"

A strenuous manual count has confirmed that "Molasses!" (never to be read without first consulting this warning label) is our 300th "post." Where has the time gone? We look back with tenderness on our green youth as exemplified by our 100th "post," and with some chagrin at the jaded charlatans we had become by our 200th. But what marvelous times we've had together overall, whimsically speculating on the subject of sugar cubes and so on! And who but the sternest amongst us could resist shedding a happy tear when I dressed up like The Shadow, or the time I bought a calendar with bats on it? Recent "posts" have been remarkable, too, for their savvy fashion advice on such saucy matters as belts, pants, and even that old classic the common house slipper. Nor did we shy away from going in-depth, as in our remarkable award-winning series on the word "dag," not to mention the hard-hitting investigation into the supposed closing of Uncle Mort's. Perhaps most significantly, we saw the face of "blogging" change forever. What a long, strange trip it's been is a phrase I just made up to describe what I'm talking about. Wow! That's deep.

Other People Also Enjoy The Wire, It Turns Out

Guess who else likes THE WIRE? Glen, an invaluable fixture of our neighborhood bookstore. Here is something Glen "posted" on his "blog," combining THE WIRE with another of our "blog" "faves" James "Jimmy" Joyce (pictured).

Molasses Caveat

Having just now read the link provided by Lisa, I would like to make it clear for sensitive "blog" readers (as I hope one and all are!) that the molasses disaster is upsetting in some regards, so don't expect to "click" on it for a simple chuckle. It's horrible, actually. I expected something lighter, I suppose. Just letting you know!

Molasses!

The ex-boss speaks! Prompted by yesterday's "post" on a mysterious aroma of maple syrup, Lisa recalled a famous flood of molasses. She provided the "link" so you can read about it for yourself. She was also kind enough to congratulate me on my forthcoming novel AWESOME, which she had heard somewhere is about a giant (and it is). On that theme, Lisa wanted to share the stories of two large persons of yore, both of whom lived near Lisa's home in Nova Scotia.

McNeil's Movie Korner: Triple Feature

Welcome once again to McNeil's Movie Korner, the only place to learn to enjoy cinema the Jeff McNeil way. The comforting amber eye of McNeil's DVR was glowing in overtime today, as a giddy McNeil reported a rare occurrence: three movies in a row, airing on TCM, all of which cried out for preservation in McNeil's peculiarly specific library of curiosities. First came a movie the mere existence of which has filled McNeil with a kind of incredulous joy: a Morey Amsterdam vehicle (!) with the kind of title McNeil lives for: DON'T WORRY WE'LL THINK OF A TITLE. After that, PENELOPE, staring Dick Shawn and Natalie Wood. Finally, a film to which McNeil is no stranger: a respectable (for late-period Bob Hope) domestic farce, BACHELOR IN PARADISE, costarring "blog" favorites Paula Prentiss and Jim Hutton. (McNeil reports enjoying Prentiss and Hutton quite recently in THE HONEYMOON MACHINE.) According to McNeil, he is looking forward to his retirement years, when he expects he will get to sit down and watch DON'T WORRY WE'LL THINK OF A TITLE and some of the other movies in his collection.

Charles Fort

Do y'all know who Charles Fort was? Short version, he was a guy who clipped interesting stuff out of the newspaper. That's deceptively plain! Look him up and be amazed! Charles Fort was one of the many interesting characters to whose work I was introduced by my wonderful ex-boss Lisa. Through some Fortean publication or another, she found and shared the strange, hilarious, and somehow creepy "true" story of the talking mongoose on the Isle of Man. Mr. Fort's 1931 book LO! provides the epigraph for my forthcoming story collection. I bring him up for this reason: I don't usually "do" topical stuff, but I have to comment on the weird smell in New York, particularly on the way it was reported in the New York Times today, because it is just the kind of article that would have attracted the attention of Charles Fort (Jeff McNeil noticed the affinity as well). First, in the front page article, the reporter oddly and arbitrarily associates the New York gas-leak odor with yesterday's mysterious bird deaths in downtown Austin, Texas. Next, he casually mentions the "separate days in late 2005" when Manhattan was filled with a powerful smell of maple syrup, the source of which (again according to the Times) "has never been established." Am I the only one who missed the maple syrup story? Charles Fort lives! This has been a brief venture into topicality.

The Day That Lizabeth Scott Fell Off the Bottom of the Page

Today my picture of Lizabeth Scott fell off the bottom of the page! And thanks to the new, improved way of "blogging," you're unlikely to find her again unless you really look. Well, I miss Lizabeth Scott's cheery influence on the "blog," so I'm going to put another picture of her here. And from now on, whenever she falls off the bottom of the page, I'm going to "post" yet another picture of Lizabeth Scott. I consider it a community service.

Pop Gear

I was up before dawn for some reason, and I saw something strange "letterboxed" on the "cable." It was the last twenty minutes or so of a 1965 movie called POP GEAR, which appeared to be a series of non-narrative sequences of bands lip-synching on weird candy-colored stage sets. I recognized Eric Burdon and the Animals. The Beatles even pop in at the end. Other than that, there were a lot of anonymous fellows in Beatles haircuts and matching suits. One group seemed to be lip-synching something called "Goodbye Google-Eye," and another favored us with a "pop" rendition of the William Tell Overture. During a second song about eyes, the young men were positioned amid a lot of stained glass windows with eyes painted on them. That'll give you some idea. And that's just for starters (or finishers, as I came in at the end). Some serious-looking young men did a very odd rendition indeed of the old Louvin Brothers favorite "In the Pines," heavily influenced, it seemed, by the aforementioned Animals. And then after it seemed to be all over a guy came out and sang a song telling me that I had just been watching POP GEAR. Total running time of POP GEAR: 70 minutes. That just happens to be Barry B.'s idea of the perfect running time. He has a firm belief that NO movie should last more than 80 minutes, though 70 is his ideal. Laurel and Hardy, he says, had the right idea. (Pictured, The Animals in POP GEAR.) Barry B. would love POP GEAR! And so will you. That's the "blog" guarantee.

Literary Cigarette Holder Incarnation

Hey, remember when, due to an unexplainable compulsion, I decided to inform you every time I ran across a man with a cigarette holder? I think this counts. I was reading my daily short story - it happened to be "Uncle Fred Flits By" by P.G. Wodehouse - when I ran across this sentence: "His eyes glared wildly and he sucked at an empty cigarette holder." Okay, I'm just letting you know.

Duck!

I had the pleasure of running into Mr. Jamie Allen at a function the other night. Mr. Allen slipped me two copies of the latest issue of the Duck & Herring Co. Pocket Field Guide, a cunning and snug publication that will fit right in your pocket. I contributed a little something to that particular number but there are plenty of better reasons to get one for yourself. It also turns out that I will be participating in a Duck & Herring reading in Decatur, GA, on January 27th. Don't worry, I'll remind you!

Release

Hey, kids, I'm "grooving out" to the new (?) release from Hubcap City, a little CD entitled SUPERLOCALHELLFREAKRIDE. It sounds like this: bing bing BANG whoooooooooo clank clank. Yeah! That's what I'm talking about. This CD was recorded under bridges and in sand pits. You get the idea! Go out and grab your SUPERLOCALHELLFREAKRIDE today!

Is Paris "Blogging"?

Ha ha! That title is a takeoff on the title of something I can't quite remember. Hilarious! Hello, folks, yes, it's me, Jack Pendarvis, back and ready to "blog" as you can tell from my insouciant writing style. I'm quite "tickled" to report that no less than Mr. Tom Bissell (pictured) has hinted that he will soon be able to provide a "Dispatch from Paris" exclusive to the "blog"! Things are looking up, folks. The long national "blog"mare is over. In other "blogging"-related news, Jeff McNeil has absolutely perfected his system for winning at craps. Details, for obvious reasons, will not be forthcoming, but the "blog" salutes you, Mr. McNeil! And we look forward to the next McNeil's Movie Korner.

"Blog" A-Twitter With Rumors of Pendarvis's Return

Much cause for joy in the Pendarvis Building. Not only did missives from Jim Whorton and Tom Franklin provide encouragement and solace, but it was confirmed that Jack Pendarvis will do a reading of his short story "The Pipe" in Austin, Texas, to coincide with the short film based on that story. It is the kind of thing, speculate the team of specialists surrounding Pendarvis at all times, that will have him up and "blogging" tomorrow at the latest. Let's keep our fingers crossed!

Another Film Combination Fails to Cure Insomnia: Scientists Puzzled

Mr. Pendarvis's "blog"tigue has been grossly exacerbated by bouts of insomnia. We all hope and pray he will return to "blogging" soon, but it does not appear likely. Last night he tried to cure his insomnia by his old method of flipping with alarming rapidity back and forth between a couple of movies on the "cable," until they seemed to blend into one. Unfortunately, the combo he hit upon turned out to be the opposite of an insomnia cure. In fact, Mr. Pendarvis may never sleep again, say physicians who have studied the case. The films in question were the Jennifer Aniston-Kevin Costner smoochfest RUMOR HAS IT and the Mel Gibson picture THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST. While the scientific evidence is not in, we at the "blog" strongly recommend NOT flipping back and forth between these two particular films if you expect to get anything resembling sleep. Ever.

For Sake of Friendship, Franklin Conquers "Blog" Aversion: Few Side Effects Reported

Mr. Pendarvis's spirits were roused today when an intern at the "blog" intercepted a communique from Tom Franklin, who has decided to, in his words, "lift my 'blog' sanction" and look at the "blog." This is heartening news! Especially as Mr. Franklin has proven such a valuable "blog" contributer in the past.

Spider Plant

The suggestions are rolling in on how to cure Mr. Pendarvis's advanced case of "blog"tigue. According to Jim Whorton, Mr. Pendarvis should purchase something called a "spider plant." Mr. Whorton writes, of spider plants, "They are reputedly hard to kill and it might brighten up the place you 'blog' in." We will take your suggestion under consideration, Mr. Whorton!

"Blog"assic 2: Good Pickles

For today's "blog"assic, we return you to a gentler time with a rousing tale of "Good Pickles." An attempt to revive Jack Pendarvis via a grilled cheese sandwich festooned with said pickles proved insufficient, which in no way reflects upon the excellent quality of the pickles in question.

"Blog"assic 1: Bumper Sticker

While Jack Pendarvis attempts to recover from "blog"tigue, the "Blog" Board of Directors will be presenting a series of "blog" classics, or "blog"assics, as we call them in our special language of "blogging." Today's "blog"assic is a cherished favorite which we believe epitomizes everything that is great about "blogging," and demonstrates why Fox and CNN have rightfully deemed "blogging" the most important thing that any one person can do with his or her life. For your pleasure we now present the elliptical modern fable "Bumper Sticker." Enjoy! And get well soon, Mr. Pendarvis.

Entertainment News

Good news about the short film of my story "The Pipe" from my book THE MYSTERIOUS SECRET OF THE VALUABLE TREASURE. The director, Mr. Brown, has notified me that "The Pipe" has been accepted in the famed and popular South By Southwest festival. The festival runs from March 9-18. I should find out soon when the movie will be showing. Keep watching the "blog" for "details." (Pictured, a scene from ROLLERGIRLS, also directed by Mr. Brown. I understand that one of the "rollergirls" is in the movie. I have no idea which one. Maybe this one!)

"Blog"tigue

There's no easy way to say this. I've been diagnosed with "blog"tigue. The word is very difficult to explain. I can only say it's what Lewis Carroll referred to as a "portmanteau word" and leave it at that. My rate of "blogging" may be temporarily diminished while I struggle with this problem.

Tonight

Hey, remember when I was helping judge the Creative Loafing fiction contest? Well, tonight there's a big party at the Eyedrum art gallery where the winners will be announced and all sorts of fun will occur. There will be refreshments and activities galore, I believe. It all happens at 7-9 tonight, so don't be shy!

Awesome No More

Just got off the teletype with Jim Whorton, who informs me that a "highly respectable organization" has decided to "expunge the word awesome from the English language in 2007." They dabble in a little expunging every year, it seems, our "highly respectable" friends, and this year "awesome" is number five or so on the list, according to Whorton. I'm sure they have a lot of fun, smoking cigars and drinking port and deciding which words to expunge and giggling and pinching one another long into the night! Good for them! But this couldn't come at a worse time for me! Indeed my whole livelihood is threatened. Can't we all chip in and do something about this? A petition, perhaps? Now a hot water bottle and a touch of brandy and I'm off to a fitful slumber.

Wretch

Well! If I'm not bragging about how much taffy I can eat, I'm complaining that my luxuries aren't utterly convenient as far as luxuries go. What a shameful wretch! Is it because I "blog," or do I "blog" because of it? I feel one of my spells coming on!

A First

Hey, has anyone ever whined about being put "on hold" and given "the runaround" before? I think it's a fresh concept! Maybe I'll mine it for "humorous" purposes.

The Year of Hunching Dangerously

I had a "hunch" that my long nightmare of hunching was over. Having finally received the proper equipment to alleviate the problem, I eagerly called up the friendly "computer" people who had sent me that equipment. The first fellow helped me for awhile and decided that I should be transferred to a supervisor. I heard some lively classical music, a concerto grosso if I am not mistaken, and was suddenly disconnected after ten minutes of edifying contrapuntalism. I called back and by coincidence was sent to the very first fellow again. He transferred me a second time, and the call went right through, but it was, alas, to the wrong department. That second fellow transferred me to another department, where I encountered another nice fellow who wanted to help me, but we finally figured out that he was an expert on the wrong brand of "computers." So he transferred me to another man, and this man told me right away that he was the wrong department but would try to help me anyway. I explained that I would rather speak with someone in the correct department for some reason. This fourth fellow gently chided me, explaining that yes, he would probably have to transfer me at some point, but first he wanted to give it a sporting try just as a frivolous lark. He asked me for all the same information I had given to the first three persons to whom I had spoken. I explained that I would rather just be transferred to the correct department right away, rather than persisting in this impish charade, however frolicsome and blithe. We parted amicably, I think. True, nothing was "accomplished." But why does something always have to be "accomplished"? Can't we just enjoy meeting new friends like the four I met today in two short hours? Four new friends in two hours... not bad! Not bad at all. It augurs well for the year to come. I suggest calling up your "computer" company whether or not you have a problem, just to shoot the breeze. The best part is, I am learning to use back muscles I never knew I had! Perhaps at the turn of 2008 I will pull a freight train along the tracks by means of a harness, as part of an "internet" stunt.

What We Leave Out

The "blog" is positive. That's why I can't really tell you about the Dean Martin movie that Theresa and I watched the night before last, a film in which it seemed, in Theresa's memorable analysis, that "the screenwriter had malaria." I can tell you, however, that Theresa and I made up for the experience by watching Martin and Lewis in SCARED STIFF last night, co-starring the always compelling Lizabeth Scott (you may know her from the Dick Powell classic THE PITFALL). Let's hear it for Lizabeth Scott (pictured), always someone positive upon whom to concentrate! And let's hear it for my torturous, if technically correct, syntax! All this leads me to confess something. For several weeks now, I have been withholding a cigarette holder sighting of the kind that I have vowed in good faith to apprise you of without fail. There were several gentlemen with cigarette holders in a DVD I saw recently. It was one of those plays that have been transposed to the screen direct from the stage. But it was filmed in close-up for no apparent reason, so that the waxen, caky, hideous, sweat-leaking rouge, etc., lit as blindingly as a grocery store, distracted wholly from the content. I could think of nothing positive to say about it. But that's no excuse for backing out of my solemn vow. Let's lay all our cards on the table and start the New Year right!

A Word

You know how we like words here at the "blog," words like "dag" and "blee." Well, here's a word that the translators of THE IDIOT like quite a bit: galimatias. Lizaveta Prokofyevna Epanchin just loves to get worked up about stuff and go around shouting "Sheer galimatias!" at everybody, especially the poor prince. Spread it around. Galimatias!

Jazz

Don't know why I haven't "blogged" about jazz yet. Let me ponder on it.

Taffy

Do you know what I love? Delicious saltwater taffy! Mmm, taffy. It comes in numerous flavors. Taffy!

McNeil's Movie Korner: McLink

Hello and welcome to McNeil's Movie Korner, a regular feature in which Jeff McNeil guides you through the world of fancy cinema. Mr. McNeil is still busy with other pursuits, but he took the time to drop the following note, with the instructions that it be "posted" as an edition of his beloved column: "Here's a link I think the kids will enjoy..."

Untitled

Opened up the old turntable today - it gave me the idea of starting a regular feature where I'll be recommending the finest in vinyl recordings from thirty years ago. That should come in handy! And right now there's an open call for suggestions as to the title of this series. Puns on the word "groove" are encouraged, but not mandatory. Anyway, in today's dig through the olden crates I came across a couple of records in the "Turnabout Chamber Music Series." As I recall, these were extremely cheap records back when I was a teenaged gink. Perhaps my memory is playing tricks but I recall them as being half the price of other records. In any case, they introduced me to music that remains among my favorite to this day, like the Mozart Quintet for Piano and Winds and the speed-freaky Mendelssohn Octet. Of course, over the years, as I've grown "mod," I've bought the Mozart and the Mendelssohn on "CD." But I've never run across the weirdly jaunty (for Beethoven) Serenade for Flute, Violin, and Viola anywhere else but that good old slab of vinyl from the Turnabout Chamber Music Series. Jump in a time machine and get yours today!

McNeil's Movie Korner: Special Guest Columnist, Jack Pendarvis

Hi, and welcome to McNeil's Movie Korner. Jeff McNeil is off this week, working on a short story about cremation, student filmmaking, and time travel (you can read another one of his stories by "clicking" on his name at this "link") and I'm honored to be filling in. Well, folks, I've made an auspicious purchase, I believe: a "six pack" of movies for around twenty bucks. It's called the "Drama Pack," and it's put out by a company called Geneon. Look, I can't vouch for the quality because I haven't seen any of the movies yet, but it certainly is a strange and titillating grab-bag. I mean, there's an Erskine Caldwell adaptation directed by Anthony Mann and featuring Buddy Hackett! Plus a murder mystery "set in the world of international stamp collecting." Not to mention a neat B-picture called THE BIG COMBO that I saw several years ago and enjoyed a lot. Maybe they're all oddball movies that somehow fell into the public domain, I don't know. But I'm going to give them a shot. Intriguing! In a second bit of movie news, Theresa and I got the car tuned up today and bided our time at a showing of THE GOOD SHEPHERD. What we saw was great. We had to leave early to pick up the car, but we plan to go back and see the whole thing. It was so good, we won't mind starting over from the beginning. I tell you, this Matt Damon kid is one to look out for. Between THE GOOD SHEPHERD and THE DEPARTED he's honestly the Dick Powell for today. I'm not cracking wise. I've thought about it a lot and may even try to incorporate it in my article, though I've already submitted a "finished" version. (The Powell comparison may or may not be bolstered by Damon's surprising musical turn in THE GOOD SHEPHERD, singing one of Theresa's favorite Gilbert & Sullivan numbers.) Okay, that's it for today's special edition of McNeil's Movie Korner. Jeff McNeil will return next week with who knows what kind of tidbits. (Pictured, Buddy Hackett and Heather Thomas.)

Martin Buber

Hey, you know in TEN RUNGS, Martin Buber's collection of Hasidic sayings, where the Great Maggid says you can learn three things from a child and seven from a thief? And you know how the number three thing you can learn from a child is "When he needs something, he demands it vigorously"? Well, thanks to Martin Buber and the Great Maggid now I have a new belt! I'm going to wait until morning to try it on, so I'll have something to "blog" about tomorrow.

Rapid Dean Martin Bathtub Speculation

I put in a call to Jeff McNeil, who was busy on his route at the time but had the answer at his fingertips in a superhuman flash. "Oh," he said, in response to my description of Dean Martin on a revolving bed, "that's a Matt Helm movie. It's the one where he goes to Mexico. I think it's THE AMBUSHERS. It's not THE WRECKING CREW. The bed tilts and drops him into a big bathtub full of beer with women in it."

Motorized Round Bed

Theresa and I just got back from a meeting with the history professor at the usual spot, where the generous gentleman in question oversaw the procurement of the libations. Conversation ran from The Wire to Apocalypto to Jimmy Carter to Dean Martin, the latter of whom the prof had seen just yesterday in Athens, GA, on a TV screen at a diner, talking on the telephone and revolving on a motorized round bed. He thought I would know the name of the film, but I do not. My guess is that it's one of the Matt Helm pictures. I feel certain that Mr. McNeil will be able to tell us which one.

"Blog" Buddies On Parade

Do you like books? Sure you do! Well, here's something about a book, seeing as how you like books so much: Theresa enjoys a series of anthologies, edited by Robert Shapard and James Thomas, of extremely short fiction. She recently received, as a gift, the most recent volume, which is entitled NEW SUDDEN FICTION: SHORT-SHORT STORIES FROM AMERICA AND BEYOND. Imagine our pleasure upon discovering that two of our "blog" buddies are represented in the collection. Pia Z. Ehrhardt contributes a quiet mood piece as still and dangerous as the eye of a storm, its familial chill making it a perfect companion to Tom Franklin's haunting domestic nightmare comedy "Nap Time," which appears in the same volume. That's quiet, moody, still, dangerous, familial, chilly, haunting, domestic, nightmarish, comedic good times for one and all, in the span of about five pages combined! Concentrated literary goodness, right to your doorstep. Get yours today! And tell 'em "Bloggy" the "Blog" Mascot sent you.

Right Neighborly

This "blog" is positive! That's just the way it is. We're happy to be here! I'm glad to have interesting upstairs neighbors who are apparently from a mythic part of Holland where wooden shoes are still in vogue. These spirited folk never remove their magical shoes, even during the tender act of physical affection. They're committed, and I salute them! They go to bed on the dot at four in the morning and rise promptly two hours later to walk around in their wooden shoes without surcease. They enjoy exercise, always a sign of good health and character! Meanwhile their two gigantic dogs, similarly shod, chase what Theresa believes to be a hockey puck back and forth over our heads. They love their dogs! They provide their dogs with fun entertainment! It's a good quality in people. The best part is, during the two hours a day when our human (or sprite!) neighbors stop walking around in their wooden shoes, the dogs make sure to take up the slack. O! the imaginative things they can think of to do with a hockey puck. These are highly intelligent dogs! At no time do we ever feel alone, thanks to the kind efforts of our robust and tireless neighbors.

Hope Trope

We picked up a signal from Jeff McNeil on our old CB radio. He was just checking in to complain that we have been giving out "too many shopping tips," and that these tips have "put a taint on the 'blog.'" We remind Mr. McNeil that we have, in fact, offered only one shopping tip, though admittedly that tip was subsequently elaborated upon and later revised, which may be the source of the confusion. It does strike us as curious that Mr. McNeil has so much time to cast aspersions on the rest of the "blog" when the next edition of McNeil's Movie Korner is so dismally overdue. The best Mr. McNeil could muster, in our recent conversation via CB, was a sense of vague disappointment with the Bob Hope film ALIAS JESSE JAMES. He might at least have remarked on its use of the traditional Hope trope of mistaken identity/impersonation, used in such superior Hope vehicles as MONSIEUR BEAUCAIRE and THE ROAD TO UTOPIA (the latter of which I have had the pleasure of viewing with Ms. Sally Timms). But alas, Mr. McNeil was in a bitter and complaining mood that day, and offered no such constructive insights. We all have such days! But the "blog" should not suffer for it. (By the way, I'm not sure if I'm using the word "trope" appropriately. I picked it up from Theresa, who uses it with accuracy and aplomb, but I may be mishandling it. I apologize, too, for "namedropping" Sally Timms, but given the new and bewildering structure of the "blog," in which the things that fall off the bottom of the page are unlikely ever to be seen again without a great deal of effort, I am required to link to as many older "posts" as possible, for the convenience of you, the omnivorous "blog" reader. Finally I must apologize for the extreme length of this "post." With all the conveniences of the modern world at my disposal, I have still not mastered the princely art of "paragraph breaks.")

Listen Up!

Hey, if you listen to those songs I was talking about you'll hear a lot of Prince in that version of "Cold Sweat" and pure Talking Heads in "There Was a Time." No Prince without James Brown! No Talking Heads without James Brown! Listen to the whole thing yourself and make your own list of people who wouldn't be around without James Brown. James Brown, everybody! James Brown.

Speaking of Apollo...

Speaking of Apollo, don't forget JAMES BROWN LIVE AT THE APOLLO, VOLUME II, in the 2-CD "Deluxe Edition" from (I believe) Polydor. There's a six-minute "Cold Sweat" that lives up to its name, and with Mr. Brown's passing, the fantastic nine-minute "There Was a Time" takes on special meaning. James Brown!

Was Sagt Der Da?

Today I had to walk to both the bank and the post office, and yes, my trusty pen came in mighty handy. So did my "iPod," which I dusted off for the rather long amble. I was able to listen to almost an entire opera. I'd like to recommend the recording to you: a recent one, I think, of Richard Strauss' DAPHNE, with Renee Fleming in the title role. About the time they get to "Furchtbare Shmach dem Gotte!" they're really cranked up. The shepherds are all, "Was sagt der da? Der eitle Fremde?" And Apollo is like, "Whatever! Get out of my face!" And the shepherds are like, "Them's fighting words!" Oh boy! It makes your hair stand up at the post office. Check it out.

Holiday "Sale-a-thon" Declared a Rousing Success

I went over and checked on the monstrous pile of books that was, as longtime "blog" readers know, causing so much trouble. I am pleased to say that thanks to the efforts of those who were willing to work for the good of the "blog," the inventory has been significantly reduced... by one quarter, in fact. That's right, it seems as if two copies of my book sold over the holiday season, leaving six remaining on the shelf. Now let's see if we can get out there and take care of five more (we need to leave one behind, because it looks good sitting there, and I think we'd all be sad to walk in and see an empty spot, like Tiny Tim's chair in the "Christmas future" section of the Dickens classic). No pressure! Let's give ourselves to St. Patrick's day to get this thing done. But don't forget! First you need to exhaust the supply at your local independent bookseller. He or she works hard for you!

"Blog" Ruined for Everyone

I have noticed two distressing and ruinous things about the "PREVIOUS POSTS" section of this "blog," now that we have made the transition to the improved world of "blogging." Take a title such as "Misspelling, Long Unremarked Upon, Reveals Crushing Lack of Interest in 'Blog'." In the olden days, the entire title would appear in the "PREVIOUS POSTS" column. Now, with the compulsory new version of the "blog," the title is truncated like so: "Misspelling, Long Unremarked Upon, Reveals Crushin..." What is this telling the children of our nation? If something is too long, just give up on it? Is this the message of the new "blogging" world? Also, in the olden days, when one "clicked" on an older "post," such as "Computers Are Great", the "PREVIOUS POSTS" column would show the titles of the ten "posts" PREVIOUS to that one. Perhaps one would be intrigued by the title "Philosophers Are Just Like You and Me!" or charmed by the insouciant "Goober Says Hey." Now, however, as far as I can tell, when you "click" on those old "posts," the "PREVIOUS POSTS" column contains the ten CURRENT "posts," which are not "previous" to the "classic" "posts" in question at all! That means a lot more work for you, the busy "blog" reader, who has so much to do and so many places to go in these trying modern times! I just wanted to say how sorry I am for adding to your woes. I won't blame you if you never visit again. But I will miss you!

The Twenty "Blog"mandments

It has come to our attention that there are twenty "blog"mandments, not fourteen, as previously reported. The pious among you will notice that there are twice as many "blog"mandments as there are "com"mandments. Obviously, this must stop. There can be no more "blog"mandments. This updated set is written in stone, so to speak, ha ha! And yet we may as well cry as laugh. Weep at the complexity of our modern times! It just doesn't make any sense that there are twenty things you need to know to be a good "blogger" and only ten to live a holy life. But that's the way it works! What can I tell you? Print these out, memorize them, and burn them. 1. Simply "click" on a highlighted word or phrase to be sent to a "link." 2. The internet is full of information. Check it out. 3. Check your favorite "blog" often or you might miss something. 4. It's okay for friends to disagree! 5. Remember: Cyclopes is the plural of Cyclops. 6. Life is not always about "blogs"! 7. Ask yourself before "blogging": How would Webern "blog"? 8. Get some Webern! 9. Use the word "blog" to create new words containing the word "blog." Think of the Smurfs and you will know what to do. 10. Support the arts! 11. It takes all kinds. 12. The depiction of a vice does not imply endorsement on the part of the depicter. 13. People are complicated. 14. It's good to blow off some steam! 15. Nothing is impossible with the powers of imagination. 16. It's fun to make new friends. 17. Wait to buy your calendar until it's marked down. 18. Always carry a pen. 19. Take your mind off things. 20. Check things out for yourself.