Wonderment

Turns out I have used the word "wonderment" twice on the "blog" (here and here) - four times if you count the "post" you are reading now and its title. Once would have been too much. We hereby retire that word from our "blog"cabulary.

Looking Inward

Sometimes you look at your own "blog" and think, "Oh yeah! I almost forgot writing that!" And then you shake your head in wonderment.

Lightning & Lobsters

Last evening at about six, Theresa and I turned on the TV to discover that our cable company had disconnected the cable two weeks earlier than we requested. When we called, they explained that while it was very easy for them to "cut the wire" (as they put it) it was very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very hard - impossible, really - for them to ever, ever, ever correct any mistake. They would try to send someone out one day but they really couldn't promise anything. All this is preamble to explaining how we ended up renting and watching MISSION TO MARS last night. I said, "Hey, we should watch that OTHER Mars movie that came out around the same time as RED PLANET." See, we had so much innocent fun stumbling across the latter film on cable the other night... Well, our experiment proved that lightning does not strike twice. Or, as was demonstrated in ANNIE HALL, you cannot force a second amusing and romantic accident involving escaped lobsters. What can I say about MISSION TO MARS? Not much without violating the principles of the "blog." But I will say that like RED PLANET it contained an allusion to WAY... WAY OUT (a different one): Within the first five minutes a character explains, in roughly these words, that "marriage is a stabilizing factor on long space missions," a sentiment that is also the premise of the Jerry Lewis film.

I Reiterate

As I believe I have mentioned before, people in California are nice. Take the staff of Skylight Books, for example. When I did my reading there, I noticed a large, attractive, oddly shaped book that I wanted a lot, but which would have been impossible to carry on the airplane back to Atlanta. They said they could ship it for me. With characteristic selfishness, I did not think how tough it would be for them to ship the large, attractive, oddly shaped book. But they did so cheerfully. Not only that, but they got the wonderful narrative cartoonist Joe Matt to come into the store just to sign a copy of his new book for me. These are nice, hardworking people, I tell you. They write, too! Kerrie Kvashay-Boyle, who was kind enough to be my MC on the night of my reading, has been anthologized, for example, and there is some of her work on its way to me in the same package with the big, good book and Joe Matt. I was first introduced to the work of Mr. Matt by Kent Osborne - that's just a fascinating side note for you people of the world! Anyway, Kent happens to be something of a cartoonist himself. Hey, he has a new book of comics out, which he is publishing himself. You can buy it for $5 here. Okay! Kent lives in California, too, and he is nice as well. (Pictured, a California-esque scene from Kent's comic book.)

Coffee Victory, Punctuated With a Sigh

We don't mean to boast or anything, but who should we run into at our favorite coffee shop (Aurora in Little Five Points) this morning but a certain rival "blogger" who up until recently was always chiding us about not hanging out in one of HIS "fave" coffee shops. Fat chance! And he even appeared to be "blogging" on site! At Aurora, that is. Justified: that's how we felt. At the same time we experienced a twinge of melancholy, as if this person might be our replacement as we pack up the old Pendarvis Building and get ready for the wrecking ball. Life in the neighborhood goes on without us.

And Then There Were Three...

A lucky "Blog" Buddy has put in a request for THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES just in the nick of time! Only three titles remain up for grabs in our special giveaway. I'm shocked that FOOTLIGHT PARADE still molders on the shelf. It has Dick Powell in it, people! Dick Powell! And allow me to quote from the video box: "[T]he classic 'Human Waterfall' number... displays countless beautiful chorus girls costumed in little more than ropes of pearls and showered in a mist from from 300 tiny water sprays!" End of quote. Exclamation point theirs.

Dwindling

A FACE IN THE CROWD has been spoken for. That means our OBSOLETE ENTERTAINMENT TECHNOLOGY GIVEAWAY is down to four titles. Get in on this exciting opportunity while there's still a chance!

The Complete Book of Cheese

Did you know you can go on the "internet" and read the 1955 treatise THE COMPLETE BOOK OF CHEESE by Bob Brown? Well, you can! Thanks to McNeil for the tip. Lord only knows how he ran across it, but we're glad he did.

What?

The "What?" in the previous "post" was directed at the crabby old man deep inside me, a gentleman I didn't know was there. But I did! I did know! He's that jackass in every period film who says something like, "This Picasso character will never amount to anything!" or "I believe we've heard the last of Alexander Graham Bell!" What a jerk I am!

Act Now!

There are only five titles left in our BIG VHS GIVEAWAY. Your choice of LITTLE WOMEN, YOUNG MR. LINCOLN, THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES, FOOTLIGHT PARADE, and A FACE IN THE CROWD. Each intriguing in its on way, and a perfect gift for the benighted fool who has not ventured into the 21st century where everything is so perfect and awesome and you can watch reruns of terrible TV shows on your phone for some reason. What?

Big VHS Giveaway

Attention "Blog" Buddies (and you know who you are). As we pack up to go to Oxford, it is revealed unto us that we have duplicates of several fine motion pictures. That is, we have DVDs of them and no longer need the VHS versions currently also in our possession. A list of the videotapes follows. If any "Blog" Buddy wants any particular titles, we will reward them in the order they are requested. Remember, these are VHS tapes, not DVDs, so if you do not have a VHS player or do not care to watch VHS tapes because of all the modern conveniences we now have in these strange times in which we live today, do not bother us. On the other hand, if the thought of a free movie in whatever format entices you, contact us at once. Supplies are limited! In fact, we have only one VHS of each movie. Act now! Note: This offer is for "Blog" Buddies ONLY. If you are not sure whether you are indeed a "Blog" Buddy, you are not. The list: ONLY ANGELS HAVE WINGS (a Howard Hawks action picture starring Cary Grant) - THE SUNDOWNERS (a lighter Robert Mitchum vehicle) - FOOTLIGHT PARADE (Jimmy Cagney/Busby Berkeley) - LITTLE WOMEN (1994 version, still in the shrink wrap) - YOUNG MR. LINCOLN (Henry Fonda/John Ford/Abraham Lincoln) - A FACE IN THE CROWD (scary Andy Griffith) - MASCULIN-FEMININ (my personal "fave" Godard movie) - CAT PEOPLE (original version! Almost as good as CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE) - THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES (featuring Theresa "fave" Dana Andrews; get ready to weep!) - ON DANGEROUS GROUND (Ida Lupino/Robert Ryan/Nicholas Ray).

The Aqua-Bats

NPR people, "click" here. All others, I would like to tell you about a cartoon that Theresa and I saw on the TV last night. It was an episode of a late '60s series called MOBY-DICK. In this version, Moby-Dick swims around with two kids on his back. In the episode we witnessed, some underwater bats began attacking the children for absolutely no reason. "It's the Aqua-Bats," one of the children said, sounding relatively calm, as if Aqua-Bats were a normal everyday concern in his world. Long story short, Moby-Dick defeated the Aqua-Bats. But I was surprised to learn that Moby-Dick was capable of elongating himself like Plastic Man. Also, the children tended to hide inside Moby-Dick when trouble arose - a tactic which, as we know from the Bible and Pinocchio, is problematic. To conclude, I would like to note that at one point Moby-Dick battled a giant Portuguese Man-O-War, and we were given to understand that when head-butted, this sea creature would merely split in two and become two angry, hepped-up sea creatures, then four, and so on. No explanation was given, though from my limited experience in marine biology, I am fairly certain it was unusual behavior. The name of the episode was "The Aqua-Bats." It was all over in seven glorious, hallucinogenic minutes. We took turns pinching one another long into the night. I thank you for your time and attention. The Aqua-Bats thank you. A coda: I have learned through "googling" that there is a band called the Aqua-Bats. For all I know, they took their name from this very cartoon. And finally, would it surprise you to know that the "Min-Aquabats" (pictured) are the oldest amateur water ski team in the United States of America? I thought you would like to know!

McNeil's Movie Korner: Gnomic!

McNeil called. "Finally finished watching SALT AND PEPPER," he reported. "An hour and ten minutes in, they started an entirely new plot. You didn't miss anything. Then again, you missed it all." Gnomic!

Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner: The Man With the Interesting Mole

You know how we love coincidences, such as when we read three novels in a row that mentioned Pernod. Well, a telephone call from Dr. "M." (a call in which Theresa is still participating at the very moment of this "blogging") has personally transmitted a new edition of Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner, one which turns on just such a coincidence. It seems that Dr. "M." and the mysterious farmer were watching the TV show FIREFLY courtesy of NetFlix and took special note of a certain actor. The next evening, they saw the same actor on an episode of BIG LOVE. "That guy with the interesting mole on his face is everywhere," Dr. "M." remarked to the mysterious farmer, according to her testimony. Two days later, Dr. "M." was reading this very "blog" and saw a picture of that selfsame actor. And the name of that young man was... Carlos Jacott. And now you know... THE REST OF THE STORY. Ha ha! That's a Paul Harvey reference for you readers over the age of 80. (By the way, some computer interloper has seemingly removed the picture of Carlos Jacott that caused Dr. "M." such amazement. Also vanished, by the bye, is my picture of Farrah Fawcett. And here in the Pendarvis Building, we have never noticed a mole, interesting or otherwise, on Carlos Jacott. Although we are a writer, we are not very observant.) Pictured, Paul Harvey (left).

For NPR Fans Only!

NPR fans, please go directly to this "post" but whatever you do, do not "click" on the parts that are in all "caps" (except the opera title). Thank you. Next up, we have some Haydn - his piano trio in D.

The Elegant Variation

I check a "blog" called "The Elegant Variation" about a million times a day. I enjoy its eccentricity and passion. But I originally "linked" to it because I noticed that Jim Ruland "blogged" there occasionally. Now I don't know Jim Ruland, in fact have never met him (despite my cavalier designation of him as a "Blog" Buddy) but I read his book BIG LONESOME and enjoyed it very much. I was made aware of the book after John Warner interviewed me and I saw a Ruland interview he had done previously. It seemed to me, after reading BIG LONESOME, that Mr. Ruland and I shared certain concerns and tics. And later, when I met Pia Ehrhardt, she said, after hearing me read, that I would really like her friend Jim Ruland, and I was happy to be able to tell her that I had already read his book! Well, anyway, I have figured out where Jim Ruland actually "blogs," so I want to "link" to it for you. And I also want to make it clear that I don't really know him, as he gave my second book such a nice review. But the main reason I started "posting" just now was because of "The Elegant Variation," which is misleadingly labeled, in my "links" column to the right, "sometimes Jim Ruland 'blogs' here." Okay. Now I must apologize for never having figured out "paragraph breaks" on a "blog." Because what I meant to say from the very beginning was that I like "The Elegant Variation" despite (because of?) the fact that it makes me shout things at my computer, such as "What are you so worked up about, James Wood? You're going to give yourself a stroke! Have a cool drink and cut a fella some slack!" or "Dude! TV is awesome! And for that matter, music is way better than books so maybe we should all take up the flute!" or "Holy cow, A.N. Wilson! We'll all be dead in a hundred years, so who cares?" Wow. Now I feel better. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm going to leave up the "link" to "The Elegant Variation" because it has earned a place in my heart but I will also put up a "link" to Jim Ruland's actual "blog." Okay! (Pictured, James Woods, who I sometimes pretend amusingly to myself is the book critic James Wood.)

Sad One

Theresa and I were sad to hear that the guy who played Sinbad in the Ray Harryhausen movie THE 7TH VOYAGE OF SINBAD has passed away. It's one of the few DVDs in our library to be spared from the storage unit during our stay in Oxford so we may enjoy it at leisure. Sinbad! We appreciate you!

Class the Joint Up

Here's what I'm thinking. It looks like some NPR fans may be dropping by this "blog" soon, for reasons I have recently discussed. Aren't they going to be disappointed when they figure out that all I talk about is stuff like THIS? And what's THAT? So I thought I would include something up here, at the top of the page, that has "links" to some of the classier "posts" and subjects of the "blog." For example, how about the opera DAPHNE? What else? Oh yeah, the time I went to an art show and saw the squashed rats in the glass brick. And when I watched a famous intellectual on TV. And how about the assassination of William McKinley? I think that covers it. (Pictured, a classy statue from olden times.)

Hey, Everybody, Look At Me, Look At Me

Remember how sick and tired I was of making up magisterial things to say about my second book and trying to trick everyone into buying it? Well, now something has happened and I think it's okay because it's not me, it's somebody else, and it's about my FIRST book, so that's okay, right? If I draw your attention to it, I mean? Let's go back in time. First Tom Franklin gave my book to some nice people. One of them liked it so much that he called me up on the phone and surprised me. Later I began to correspond with another of these strangers, who soon became a special email "buddy," and her name is Laura Lippman. She's a writer, too! And I read some of her work and was "blown away" by it as the charming vernacular would have it and what a happy time we had emailing back and forth and telling each other nice things. Well, next thing you know, NPR asked her to talk about a book she "frequently recommends to other people" and I am happy and proud to say that out of all the books she might have chosen by authors living and dead, she temporarily went crazy in the coconut and picked mine. You can read her flattering essay right here by "clicking" on this brightly highlighted sentence you are reading right now. And those NPR people were kind enough to include the entire text of one of my short stories and even a "link" to this "blog."

McNeil's Movie Korner: Salt and Pepper Corrections

A call from Jeff McNeil today: first he wished to remind me of the imminent airing of UNDER THE YUM YUM TREE on TCM. Next he made some corrections to my recent account of the McNeil's Movie Korner Film Festival. McNeil contends that we made it through 40 minutes of SALT AND PEPPER, not 20 as previously reported. He also told me that he watched the next 20 minutes - that is, the last third of the first hour of the film - today, and he reports significant improvement. "Remember how we stopped the DVD when they got in Sammy Davis Jr.'s little yellow car?" McNeil inquired. "Well, the next fifteen minutes were nothing but them riding around in the car pushing buttons. One button released an oil slick. Another button put up a bulletproof windshield. I think there were about fifteen buttons, and they pushed all of them. It was a lot better than the first forty minutes." McNeil went on to report that Leonard Maltin, with whom the "blog" has feuded in the past, awarded ZERO stars and "BOMB" status to the SALT AND PEPPER sequel ONE MORE TIME but two and a half coveted stars to SALT AND PEPPER itself - rankings which, McNeil and I agreed, we would have reversed. (Pictured, Peter Lawford, the titular Pepper.)

Carlos Jacott

One highlight of the recent film festival was the comedy HIGHBALL. Elsewhere I have expressed my problems with getting other people to enjoy it along with me, but McNeil was happy - and he is ordinarily a very sullen man. He noted that in the last section of the film, the actor Carlos Jacott (pictured, right, in a role on SEINFELD) was dressed and possibly coifed in the style of Jerry Lewis in the climactic prom scene of THE NUTTY PROFESSOR. In fact, Jacott begins the movie as a boor in the "Buddy Love" tradition and makes the opposite of the Lewis transformation - into an odd, awkward man-child. The scene in which he sits on a couch eating something very crunchy for a very long time is right out of the Lewis playbook. (We had the chance to note several times during the festival that Mr. Lewis enjoys milking a gag past all reasonable limits, often to good effect. One example: he bangs his head on a metal sculpture in CRACKING UP and it reverberates musically for several minutes afterward, rendering an important conversation impossible. Ha ha ha!) And no, we are not just seeing Jerry Lewis everywhere. Earlier in HIGHBALL, Peter Bogdanovich impersonates Lewis - proof, we feel, of purposeful homage.

Pine Nuts

Everything is better if you throw some pine nuts in it. Toast them first in a dry pan. No need for oil! They make their own oil or something. I'm not a scientist! Pine nuts!

Memorable Blue Shag

But I feel I must mention, just to be fair, that THE WRECKING CREW, for all its many faults, did contain a memorably vivid blue shag carpet with matching walls of a marble-like stone. McNeil was pleased. The effect on one's eyes was not unlike assault.

The McNeil's Movie Korner Film Festival Wrap-Up, Pt. 1

Film scholars from all over the world have been pestering me for details about the McNeil's Movie Korner Film Festival. After letting it all sink in, I must say the festival began and ended with disappointment. The first twenty minutes of SALT AND PEPPER were all we could stand, for example. Yes, we men who can watch anything - defeated. We did watch it long enough to see the canary yellow turtleneck pictured at this "link," and thus were able to note that the leading lady of DON'T RAISE THE BRIDGE, LOWER THE RIVER seemed to have borrowed a lot of Sammy Davis Jr.'s clothes. On the plus side, SALT AND PEPPER made its own sequel ONE MORE TIME seem like a masterpiece. Now please understand. I am not recommending that the amateur should just dive into ONE MORE TIME. It requires years of training, of knowing what to look for. Mr. McNeil remarked at one point, for example, "I can tell Jerry [Lewis, who directed] walked everybody through this scene step by step." Imagining that was more fun than the actual scene! McNeil was also highly appreciative of Peter Lawford's special bachelor room in the castle, though the carpet was not shaggy enough for his (McNeil's) liking. McNeil still contends that THE PATSY is the pinnacle of Lewis' talents as a decorator. "The colors are more subdued," he explained. Then he gave Theresa an interesting lecture on attractive lamps in the films of Jerry Lewis... the way they match the drapes, and so on. At some point during the presentation, Theresa disappeared, and we sorely missed her for the rest of the festival. As for the disappointment that ended the program, THE WRECKING CREW contains off-the-charts misogyny, even if one adjusts for the cultural norms of the time or endeavors to think of misogyny as a mere plot device that runs the engine of a certain kind of farce. They blew up Nancy Kwan AND Tina Louise, for example. Blew them up! And I don't even want to tell you what happened to poor Elke Sommer. What a downer. But the festival did have its unadulterated highlights, which will be addressed in coming days. (Pictured, Nancy Kwan, so wrongly mistreated in THE WRECKING CREW.)

Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner: The Return of Dr. "M."

Here it is, the welcome return of Dr. "M." after her mysterious disappearance. In the following dispatch, Dr. "M." veers a little off the subject of TV and into movie rentals and other sordid enterprises, nor does she put the proper "quotation marks" around the word "blog," but we're going to let it slide because we're so happy to have her back. Here, then, the unexpurgated Dr. "M." in all her glory: "My apologies to the fans of the blog that I have had nothing to contribute as of late. I know that crowds have been rallying beneath Jack's apartment window, torches in hand, yelling More TV Korner, More TV Korner! Well, your calls have been heard. First, I offer a riddle--What does a show about an intelligent, attractive teen detective have in common with a show about attractive polygamists in Utah? The answer: three of the same actors! Beaver, Mac, and Lilly Kane from Veronica Mars are regulars on Big Love. If Veronica ends up joining the show as the 4th wife, I will just lose it...what 'losing it' means, I am not sure, but I know it wouldn't be pretty. In film news, I draw your attention to this week's Entertainment Weekly, which has an article devoted to the making of Xanadu, that early 80s Olivia Newton-John cult classic. If you are ever feeling low, a movie about a Muse at the roller disco is just the prescription you need to get you through the slump. (Of course, it will also make you want to ask Gene Kelly 'Why, Gene, why?') And finally, I want to also point you to an article in the same issue about the film Red Dawn. The collector's edition DVD has just been released, and although I will probably not rush out to buy it, I will definitely rent it. Why? Because it stars Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey, not to mention C. Thomas Howell (where have you gone, C. Thomas?) and Charlie Sheen and Harry Dean Stanton, who, by the way, plays the wonderfully creepy Grand Polygamist Patriarch on Big Love! See folks, in this web we call 'showbiz,' all are connected. Yours truly, Dr. Agent M"

"Fave" Planets

As promised, here we have a message from Caroline Young on the subject of the planet Mercury: "I don't think anyone has ever made a movie about Mercury. Am I wrong? I liken that little gas ball to my dog Honeybear, not for the reason you likely suspect. They are both so easy to dismiss. Nobody anticipates the disruption they cause when they go into retrograde motion. Suffice it to say, both Mercury and Honeybear require a watchful vigilance." Here, as evidence, is a file photo of said "Honeybear." Ms. Young goes on to inform us that Mercury is coming "out of retrograde" on Monday night. Thank you. This has been one in our series on "fave" planets. We also draw your attention to the time that Jim Whorton speculated about the existence of life on the moon, though we are aware that the moon is not a planet. And speaking of things that may or may not be planets, how about the time that Pia Z. Ehrhardt mentioned Pluto in passing? Okay, there are still plenty of extra planets to choose from; send in your "fave" today!

Full Schedule

But the least we can do in the meantime is offer the full viewing schedule of the McNeil's Movie Korner Film Festival for your contemplation: Saturday - SALT AND PEPPER (first twenty minutes only); ONE MORE TIME (dir. Jerry Lewis); HIGHBALL; DON'T RAISE THE BRIDGE, LOWER THE RIVER. Sunday - LORD LOVE A DUCK; MR. JEALOUSY; CRACKING UP; THE WRECKING CREW. The theme of this year's festival was "Turtlenecks and Psychiatrists."

Note to Self

There is a lot to "blog" about but very little time as we demolish the Pendarvis Building prior to moving it, brick by brick, to Oxford, Mississippi. But I do want to remind myself, and alert you, that "blogging" material is piling up and ready for use just as soon as we can get to it. Expect reflections on the planet Mercury from Caroline Young, a brand new "Dr. 'M.'s' TV Korner" after an unbearably long hiatus, and a series of reports from the recently concluded McNeil's Movie Korner Film Festival. Okay! And please remember to wear your hardhat when visiting the Pendarvis Building.

Saturn 3

Our entry on RED PLANET has encouraged novelist Antoine Wilson to write of his affection for SATURN 3, or at least the first five minutes of it, which he describes looking "like an insane Broadway show." Theresa recalls SATURN 3 as "the one where a robot steps on a dog." She continues, "The robot lusts after Farrah Fawcett." Speaking of movies, the McNeil's Movie Korner Film Festival has been going on for 24 hours now. Expect a report soon. Also, now that we have covered Mars and Saturn, we encourage all "blog" buddies to write in with tales of their own "fave" planets.

Red Planet

Theresa and I saw most of RED PLANET, starring Val Kilmer, on cable last night. And we dug it. Do you HEAR ME? We DUG IT! That's right, a movie with 87% rotten tomatoes. Do you want to watch it? Probably not! But if you do, please do not rent it or buy it. Just wait until it's about midnight one night and you're flipping around and you come in about ten minutes late. Then there's no pressure! And remember the rotten tomatoes, and forget that I ever mentioned it here. And please don't read anything about it beforehand. What happens in it? Well, just about every bad thing that can happen to a person on Mars, okay? And Tom Sizemore plays a fellow with multiple PhDs. Not to mention there's an homage to the spacesuit-encumbered rumble between Jerry Lewis and Dick Shawn in WAY... WAY OUT. Plus it has helpful tips if you ever have to put out a fire in zero gravity. Now forget everything I said. Put it out of your mind! And wait... wait until the time is right. And I don't want any guff if you don't like it. Big deal! Sue me.

Pink Dolphin, Rabid Fox

Just back from a wonderful engagement party for my little sister and future brother-in-law. The OLD brother-in-law (Theresa's brother, that is) was there, and full of tidbits gleaned from the "internet." It is because of him that I am now able to "link" you to separate reports of a pink dolphin and a rabid fox who ultimately met the business end of a crutch. My suggestion is to end with the dolphin story. The fox story, while lively, is violent - though filled with admirable moxy on the part of man, child, and yes, possibly even beast (you just can't get a rabid fox down!). But the dolphin story is... happier. Plus there are photographs of a frolicking pink dolphin! I was going to put a picture with this "post" but I guess I don't want to spoil it for you.

McKneel's Theology Korner

Welcome to our newest regular feature. This is where Jeff McNeil takes off his movie critic hat and puts on his mitre. One hilarious thing is how I call him "McKneel" here, because in religion sometimes people kneel! Okay. Turning it over to the padre. McKneel writes: "You have a pic of apples on your blog as, I assume, a representation of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. I believe the more accurate interpretation is that the tree was a pear tree. I have no idea why I think this is true. Apples in Persia? Give me a break! Or maybe they did have them. Who am I, after all, but a 43-year-old-man-with-a-penchant-for-hyphens?" Thus sayeth McKneel.

Monism!

I'm learning all about monism. Thanks, Stanley Fish! I accidentally left the book behind in a restaurant and walked several blocks before realizing it. What would monism make of that? Something bad, I believe.

Correction

I'm sorry, I believe it was the Tree of the KNOWLEDGE of Good and Evil, wasn't it? That's an important distinction, probably. What kind of lapsed Baptist am I?

Fun With Milton

All the books I really want to read next are boxed up and sealed and marked Oxford. It seemed like a good idea at the time. So instead I find myself reading SURPRISED BY SIN: THE READER IN PARADISE LOST. It's the second edition with a new preface, so imagine my giddiness. Nothing against the author (Stanley Fish) or the poet John Milton, but I can't recall when or where I bought this book and I had forgotten all about it until it came time to dig through the remnants destined for a year of lonesome storage and find something to occupy my mind. Anyway, it's good so far! There's a part about the Tree of Good and Evil that made me stop and think! And I'm not even done with the preface yet. Why am I telling you what I'm reading? Beats me! But I long ago resigned myself to the fact that this is what a "blog" is. And I'll end the suspense right now about what kind of bookmark I'm using. This volume goes great with the elegant, traditional black-and-white that they slip in your bag at Skylight Books. I'm like a sommelier of bookmarks! You give me the book, I'll tell you which free bookmark goes best with it. I believe I am oversimplifying and perhaps even misdefining the job of a sommelier, and I apologize to sommeliers everywhere.

Tater Mitts Forever!

I have been delighted recently by a television commercial for a product called Tater Mitts. I wish to make it clear: I am not vouching for the efficacy of the Tater Mitts, nor am I making a product endorsement of any kind. I am not in the employ of the Tater Mitts corporation. For some reason Tater Mitts put me in mind of Barry B. Well, I know why. It's because he has used the word "tater" in a professional capacity. I can say no more. But this was years before the advent of Tater Mitts! I described the workings of Tater Mitts to Theresa yesterday, over dinner. Theresa immediately conceived of several gruesome possible criminal uses of Tater Mitts. Once again, I can say no more. Hey, speaking of commercials for handy dandy kitchen items, have you seen the long-form ad for "The Magic Bullet"? That's a great one. I believe it is as long as an ordinary sitcom. A bunch of adults have had some sort of sleepover, a la THE ICE STORM, and their host couple demonstrates "The Magic Bullet" for them the next morning. It is implied that the guests are suffering from hangovers, and one of them is a sassy old "dame" with a comically long cigarette ash. It is the greatest commercial ever! According to the commercial, you can make everything from an omelet to a frozen alcoholic beverage with "The Magic Bullet." I happen to know that Barry B. owns a "Magic Bullet," by the way. True story! Funny, though, the name of "The Magic Bullet" seems ill chosen. It puts me in mind of the Kennedy assassination, of course (I believe the phrase was used by critics of the Warren Commission), plus there was a movie starring Edward G. Robinson (pictured) in which he cured syphilis, and it was called "Dr. ______'s Magic Bullet" (I can't recall the whole title.) Anyway, it doesn't seem as if you'd want your kitchen gadget associated with assassinations and syphilis. Finally, I will hazard a guess that I am not the first "blogger" to note the connection between that particular kitchen gadget, assassinations, and syphilis. But I am too tired to research the subject right now. Look how long this paragraph is! Anyway, though, I am not stealing, just reaching independent and inevitable conclusions, like some kind of scientist - the one who cured syphilis, for example.

Three Pernods

We like to take note of such things: the last three books I have read - ANSWERED PRAYERS, THE DUD AVOCADO, and PLAY IT AS IT LAYS (I'm almost finished) contained scenes of Pernod consumption. Pernod is crucial to the first chapter of AVOCADO. Starting in chapter 47 of PLAY IT AS IT LAYS, a Pernod-sipping hypnotist occasionally appears. These are the things of which we take note! These are the things for which "blogging" was invented. These are the things we do instead of "writing." P.S. In the title novella of my first book, the narrator gets into some trouble after drinking a few large water glasses of Pernod. Gosh, it really makes you think!

The New Bookmarks Are In

The right bookmark for the right book, that's my motto! Well, as I discovered on my recent trip to Greenwood, Turnrow Books (one of the fine Mississippi bookstores in the "links" section to the right) has new bookmarks - new to me, at least - in a pale, pleasingly subtle (neutral, really) green that will work with just about any book. For example, it's looking very good right now in my copy of PLAY IT AS IT LAYS by Joan Didion. Given the book's content, the Turnrow bookmark takes on a sinister, empty-souled pastel. But in THE DUD AVACADO by Elaine Dundy, which I was reading just prior to the Didion, the Turnrow green was jaunty, with appropriate overtones of Pernod. Yes, the new Turnrow bookmark is the bookmark that bookmark lovers have been dreaming of: it goes with everything! Nor have the good folks at Turnrow cynically tailored their fine new bookmarks to fit only books purchased at their store. In fact, I bought the Dundy at McNally-Robinson in New York City and the Didion at Wordsmith's in Decatur, GA. But I am sure it will go equally well with the anthology of blues lyrics I picked up at Turnrow. What's more, these bookmarks are free with any purchase! Order a book from Turnrow today, and be sure to tell them that Pendarvis sent you (and advised you, in fact, to ask for a nice green bookmark - the most versatile free bookmark on the market)! This has been one in our series of tips for friendly book likers.

Sazerac Fan

It occurs to me that Phil Oppenheim enjoys the occasional Pimm's Cup. But truth be told, he is more of a sazerac fan.

Who Else Likes Pimm's Cups

Hey, you know who else likes Pimm's Cups? Barry B., that's who! We believe he is the only person who has ever offered us a homemade Pimm's Cup made in his own home. One day Barry B. was grilling hamburgers and fixing Pimm's Cups for one and all. We witnessed a Cartoon Network VP eating an entirely raw hamburger. She didn't mean to!

He's Brilliant!

Hey, the woman handing out samples at the grocery store just told me that I look "just like Michael Moore." When she saw that she had crushed my spirit, she appended, "He's brilliant!" And that's just what she meant. That I look brilliant. I was debating this morning whether or not I should "blog" about the five pounds I gained on the last leg of the "book tour." I think God has answered me! I blame starting out in New Orleans. And just to seal the deal, we stopped at Uncle Mort's on the way back to Atlanta yesterday. Hey, speaking of New Orleans, I christened the trip with a couple of Pimm's Cups at the Carousel Bar in the Hotel Monteleone. Pia, remembering how much I always enjoy a good Pimm's Cup, sent me this article on the subject earlier today. The author of the article was at our Oxford, MS reading. Enjoy!

Thanks, Everybody!

Now that I'm home I want to thank everyone - bookstore staffs, friends who came out, strangers, everybody! We had fun. Special thanks to Pia Z. Ehrhardt for being such a fine reading partner and driving all over the Southeastern U.S. in her comfortable and gifted car.

Virginia Hill

Hey remember when I read two books that were illustrated, for the skimpiest of reasons, with oil paintings of Schoenberg? My, my! Those were heady times for everyone. Strange coincidences abounded, and we were sore afraid. So anyway, after I finished QUEENPIN I happened to read ANSWERED PRAYERS by Truman Capote. And in both books, characters relate anecdotes about legendary gangster moll Virginia Hill (who was from Alabama, by the way). So. That's crazy! Books are weird!

Back

I'm back! And I never have to "blog" about my book again. So that's good news for us all!

An Open Letter to the People of California

You are nice!

MySpace Friends Drive

Many times have I expressed my absolute disinterest in MySpace. But that doesn't mean I don't want MySpace friends! It's complicated. I'm a bundle of fascinating contradictions! Well, I will be out of town until July, and not in a position to check my "friends requests." Now, through a "cyber blunder" of my own making (through the misplacement of a single keystroke, I accidentally entered a nonexistent email address as my own, and cannot, therefore, be entirely legitimized in the world of "myspacedom") I cannot request special "internet" friends on MySpace. I can only respond to YOUR requests for "friendship." So when I get back in town, I want to see 100 "friends" requests stacked up, awaiting my approval. Get cracking!

Queenpin

I finished THE INTERLOPER and it was just great. In fact, if I'm not too tired after my plane trip tomorrow, I'm going to go see Antoine Wilson read from the aforementioned novel at Book Soup. So now I'm reading a book called QUEENPIN. This is a real discovery! Hardboiled fiction written from a woman's POV... it's the real thing, not just a pastiche of hardboiled fiction, though it only came out this year. The author, Megan Abbott, has immersed herself in and committed herself to the style. QUEENPIN could have been written in, I don't know, 1958. I mean, it's a restrictive choice that works amazingly well. Stravinsky said something on the subject that I'm very tired of quoting (or misquoting). I'm so predictable! Okay, I'm only a few chapters in, but I don't expect any huge stylistic shift - to quote another noir, it's "straight down the line." I have a good feeling about this one. Oh, it's a lot of fun, with pitch-perfect lingo of my favorite kind.

Here We Go

Okay, this is the schedule. "Click" on it! Then "click" on whatever date you would like to know about. Over and out.

Announcing the McNeil's Movie Korner Film Festival

We are happy to announce the first annual McNeil's Movie Korner Film Festival, which will occur after the book tour and before the move to Mississippi. McNeil will make a rare personal appearance at the Pendarvis Building, where films will be screened and prizes awarded. The full schedule has not been determined, but we can say with some certainty that RIO BRAVO and SALT AND PEPPER (in a double feature with ONE MORE TIME, its Jerry Lewis-directed sequel) will be among the festival highlights. Also slated: the one where Jerry Lewis thinks he is dying but he is not, and the one where Bob Hope thinks he is dying but he is not. More announcements will be forthcoming as final decisions on the program are made. The event is not open to the public. (Pictured, Sammy Davis, Jr. and Peter Lawford, stars of SALT AND PEPPER and ONE MORE TIME, with Cleveland TV reporter Jenny Crimm.)

Certainly An Intern

Certainly there must be an intern who is in charge of noting each new mention of Robert Osborne on the "internet." By now he or she must realize how much I want to be a part of the TCM family. Why have I not received a call, or at least a restraining order?

Solipsism Had a Short Vacation

I was just watching THE COURTSHIP OF EDDIE'S FATHER on TCM. Not a great movie, but it contains an enjoyable scene in which Stella Stevens plays drums in a nightclub. After that, I usually stop watching the movie. Anyway, it occurred to me: I really should invite Stella Stevens and Lizabeth Scott to my reading at Skylight Books on Friday at 7:30 pm. I don't know if either still resides in the Hollywood area, but if so, ladies, I do hope that at least one of you will drop by. We have a lot to talk about! In other movie news, director Dan Brown called this afternoon to say that the screenplay for "The Pipe" (based on my short story of the same name) had just won a prize at the Nantucket Film Festival. We were congratulated, Mr. Brown tells me, by the author of JARHEAD and also the actor Joe Pantoliano (pictured), who was so very memorably murdered on the television program THE SOPRANOS.

Robert Osborne Update

But I really should mention that at last night's reading I met a friend of Sheri Joseph - a friend who WRITES FOR ROBERT OSBORNE. Yes, with each calculated, circling move I grow ever closer to my goal of programming and hosting old movies for TCM. Just remember, Robert Osborne, I am not a threat! Consider me a helper.

Kitties, Etc.

Okay, I will be going now. And golly, it makes me kind of sick to leave with yet another ramble about myself at the top of this page. So I invite you, rather, to study what kind of music cats like, or educational tidbits about presidents, until I come back. The highlighted "links" in this "post" should help you in those endeavors. Better yet, use the "blog" as a springboard into the magical world of fiction (read a novel by Antoine Wilson, Amanda Stern, or James Whorton, Jr.), poetry, opera, cinema, or Alabama. Just "click" and learn! It's that easy. Goodbye, friends.

The Triumphant Return of Solipsism

Well, my attack on solipsism did not last long, did it? Oh, solipsism, you have won the battle... but I shall win the war! Anyway, here is a "link" to a new review which I believe captures the intent or spirit with/in which my new book was written. And to be fair, here is another review with somewhat of an opposite view. Of course, it doesn't matter that I have a feeling one person understood what I was trying to get at and another person thought I was trying to get at something else called "hick baiting" (!) when my message, if I have one, which I don't, is probably something like "We are all hicks," yes, a "hick embracing" message! But it doesn't matter what I think about things like this. The book has to speak for itself. If I have to sit here and explain it on a "blog," something is wrong with it and/or me! Every opinion is fine. And I am not criticizing the person who wrote the review. She said some nice things, too, and besides, she made good points while enumerating her dislikes.

Please Note

Finally, please note that I have added Antoine Wilson to my stack of friendly "blogs" over there to the right. Okay!

It Would Be Wrong of Me

And as long as I am breaking my silence, it would be wrong of me not to mention the remarkable novel THE INTERLOPER by Antoine Wilson, who was another participant in the reading series the other night. I haven't finished it yet, but remarkable is certainly the correct word. In a strange way, Mr. Wilson's narrator seems to be a shadow-imp of the polite, restrained narrators of Mr. James Whorton, Jr. Did I just say "shadow-imp"? What am I talking about? Is that even a phrase? I'm going to "Google" it. Hold on. Okay, there are 1,040 matches for "shadow imp." It seems to be a character in some kind of Dungeons and Dragons sort of game. Also a young woman in New Zealand appears to have a myspace page under that sobriquet. But please do not let my use of the rather queasy-making term "shadow imp" discourage you from THE INTERLOPER... OR the fine novels of James Whorton, Jr. (Pictured, an imp.)

Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner 4

Yes, I know I have sworn off "blogging" for the "rest of June." But something unusual has happened: the transmission of a new edition of Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner IN PERSON! And I have to write it down before I forget. Okay. First, on Wednesday evening in NYC, I was happy to participate in Amanda Stern's reading series down on Broome St. There is always a musician involved - in this case, a Mr. Jamie Barnes, hailing from Kentucky, who introduced one of his songs by announcing that it was "about the assassination of William McKinley." I had lunch with Mr. Ward the next day (he works in the city) and told him about the song. You know how he loves his presidents! So Mr. Ward said, "I bet it had this line in it: 'Be careful how you tell her.'" I was astonished! I said, "Yes, I believe that was the first line of the song. How did you know?" And Mr. Ward explained that President McKinley said as much after he was shot, referring to his wife, who was prone to seizures. Then Mr. Ward went on to tell me that sometimes, in the middle of a state dinner, Mrs. McKinley would have a seizure and the President would reach over and place a napkin over her head! The purpose was to keep people from being distracted by her contorted features! But it seems to me that a napkin over her head would be something else to notice. Then again, I am not the President of the United States!

Solipsistic

I guess "blogs" are by nature solipsistic to some degree, but I mean, come on! I'm tired of myself. The "blog" will be down for the rest of June. Here, read this old "post" about yak cheese. That's kind of interesting! After that, it's up to you.

The Grimness

Just looking at those last couple of "posts." I warned you, didn't I, about how grim June would be? Now it is all coming to pass. But after June the "book tour" will be over and I'll be back to "blogging" about my "fave" fork! Don't worry! In the meantime, bear with me. I thank you for your patience in these troubling times of today.

I Am Aware

I am aware that "So you please do not forget" is an unpleasing construction. But in another way it is pleasing!

O, People of Nantucket, Take Heart

I have not forgotten you, people of Nantucket! So you please do not forget to go see the short film "The Pipe," which I am honored to say was based on a short story from my first book. It's playing at your film festival! And I have word from the director that he will be attending. I fear his little heart will be broken if no one shows up to ask him probing questions after the screenings. I would be there myself, but I'm going to be cutting a rug with Amanda Stern at her reading series in NYC, along with Pia Z. Ehrhardt (check out her windshield!) and Antoine Wilson. By the way, I have tried to recommend Amanda's novel THE LONG HAUL in three separate newspaper interviews, but that part seems to get cut out every time. So I'll recommend it again right now. Also, "cutting a rug" is the wrong expression, but I'm going to let it stand. It sounds colorful!

Lots of Fun

We had lots of fun in Chattanooga. The bookstore is very nice, go check it out! After the reading, Theresa and I walked up the street to see a movie. We haven't been out to a movie in a while, so that was exciting. The film had been billed in respectable newspapers as a sleek, stylish entertainment, a cinematic bonbon tossed off with elegant insouciance by a master director. But watch out! Those descriptions are a trick! If you translate them out of reviewer-ese, they mean, "Eh." On the plus side, we were early, so I got to watch Theresa play Ms. Pac-Man in the lobby. She was on fire, I'm telling you! On fire! She was eating up those little marbles and when the monsters started chasing her, she was like, "Who cares? Oh yeah, monster, come and get me!" And then she'd turn around and make those monsters into frowning blue ghosts and she'd eat them like popcorn. Oh, yeah! If you are a monster, you don't want a piece of Theresa. She'll get you. She's a Ms. Pac-Man wizard, a champ. Well, anyway, it was quite a night.

The Daily Show Is Inside My Head, Man

Hey, remember when I reported on Christopher Hitchens's fondness for Johnnie Walker Black and he mentioned it on THE DAILY SHOW just a few days later? Well, the other night, when Paul Rudd was on, and Jon Stewart was listing his many accomplishments, he jokingly referred to Mr. Rudd as an "inventor." And this was just AFTER I remarked upon Mr. Rudd's uncanny resemblance to Alexander Graham Bell on the "blog." Now these first two instances are obviously flukes, requiring some stretching of the imagination to see any real connection... OR ARE THEY? Tonight, during a little sponsored plug for a cell phone company, THE DAILY SHOW presented what they called their "overheard non-sequitur of the day." Okay, that's just freaky! Remember THIS ("click" here) "overheard non-sequitur" of the day? Freaky, man! Freaky! I'm freaking out! It's like I'm that guy in THE DEAD ZONE (pictured), if all he could see was the future of THE DAILY SHOW. Freaky!

The "Blog" Is Always Wrong

Hey, remember when I said that the ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY review of my book was not on the "web"? Well, now it is. ("Click" here to enjoy.) Why is the "internet" so malleable and strange? It makes me nervous! In other Pendarvis scuzzy self-congratulation news, I would like to tell the world that the new issue of Wholphin has a little nugget from yours truly buried deep within. Gosh, I'm just like Walt Whitman with all my celebrating myself! Hooray! Now for a shower. (P.S. I love Walt Whitman! I am not trying to drag him down to my level.)

Another Reading

Hello, everyone! Do you have friends and relatives in Chattanooga? Neither do I! That's why I'm so scared about my reading tomorrow night at Rock Point Books. Deep in my heart I'm afraid nobody cares. I'll look like a big sap and the staff will sadly shake their heads and try to make me feel better. Come out and prove me wrong! They seem like nice people and their store looks intriguing on the "internet." Okay! Let's have a reading!

The Greatest Thing That Phil Oppenheim Has Ever Seen

Had a nice long lunch with Phil Oppenheim today, over at Manuel's Tavern. We talked about many things dear to our hearts - Don Rickles, for example. Then Phil told me about "the greatest thing [he has] ever seen." It seems that a couple of years ago he witnessed a panel discussion. Sounds dry, I suppose! But wait until you hear who was on the panel: Norm Crosby, George Carlin, Phyllis Diller, Shelley Berman, Shecky Greene, and Jerry Lewis! When Phil got back to the office he emailed me a "link" that corroborated his memories of the greatest thing he has ever seen, because it really just seems too good to be true, so wonderful in fact that Phil could not trust his own memory.

James Whorton, Jr.'s C-Spandemonium!

Welcome once more to James Whorton, Jr.'s C-Spandemonium! Today, Mr. Whorton's observations do not come from any of the C-Span networks! Don't be alarmed! They come from reading the newspaper, which is almost like watching C-Span! So we feel that is close enough for a "blog." Here, then, is Mr. Whorton's report for the day, from his local newspaper in upstate New York: "This morning in the paper they published a list of the most popular dog names in New York State. They can do this because in New York, all dogs have to be signed up with the government. [My wife] thinks this is good, but it feels totalitarian to me. Anyway, there are 20 licensed dogs named Bono in NY state."

Faces

Mr. Ward called me after Tom Poston died, upset by an obituary he saw in a major newspaper. It described Mr. Poston as "the pasty faced comedian." "This is his obituary!" Mr. Ward said. "They can't give the guy a break?" Well, today the New York Times referred to the face of Jerry Mathers as "half owlish, half doughy." It was not an obituary, thank goodness! (Mr. Mathers famously has been the subject of premature obituaries, and I do not wish this to be mistaken for such.) But still... my goodness! There must be better ways of describing a person's face. Moving on, the article mentions the play BOEING, BOEING in which Mr. Mathers appeared onstage with Tony Dow, who of course played his brother on LEAVE IT TO BEAVER. I already knew about this reunion from reading Mr. Mathers's autobiography for work (long story. On an unrelated note, Mr. Mathers also plays a key role in the title novella of my new book). I have always wanted to mention here at the "blog" the fascinating fact that JERRY Mathers took the JERRY Lewis role (from the film version of BOEING, BOEING) and TONY Dow took the TONY Curtis role! Wow! Stuff like that really gets me worked up! Crazy! But I have never had any "internet" corroboration... until now. Finally, speaking of Jerry Lewis, everyone should be aware that the second box set of Martin & Lewis films comes out today.

19,000 People Beat Me To It

I was going to call that last "post" "'Blog' Meridian," but I did the "Google" on that phrase and got 19,000 hits. And read them all!

I Wonder!

I wonder if Cormac McCarthy has a "blog." Here's my guess: Yes!

Now I Seem Like a Crazy Person

That "hyperlink" to Ghost Rider isn't there now. But I swear it was! I swear it!

A Thing At Which to Look

I see they have the article about Sheri Joseph and myself from the Atlanta Journal Constitution on a "web" site now. Drink it in! Take note of the photo, in which I am either coughing up some phlegm or trying to engage Sheri Joseph in a boxing match. And Sheri, as she put it in a recent email, looks as if she is saying, "Get a load of THIS guy! Har har har!" Anyway, it's a very nice photo, really, attached to a kind and well written article. The story does misrepresent one thing about my past: I was not a "good natured slacker" in school, as the author speculates. I was an ill-tempered slacker. Ha ha! Just kidding! I was a bookworm, very studious. My false "vibe" here at the "blog" is just something I do to get "hep" with the young "punksters." Okay, one other oddity, of a technical nature: When they mention my ill-fated Cartoon Network movie, the word "movie" is "hyperlinked" to a "web" site for the Nicolas Cage epic GHOST RIDER... thus seeming to imply, erroneously, that I or Cartoon Network had something to do with that film. But this is not the case. I have nothing against Mr. Ghost Rider! I used to read his comic book when I could work up the nerve. He scared me because of his devilish associations. Then again, so did Hot Stuff, The Li'l Devil. As I have implied earlier in this "post," I was a sensitive little fellow at the time.

Very Clever, Mr. Osborne!

So now that guy says he's not Robert Osborne. But isn't that just what Robert Osborne would say?

My Qualifications

Okay! Just in case I do have the attention of Robert Osborne, as my demented speculations suggest, I am going to lay out very clearly all the reasons I should be a guest programmer on TCM. 1) My Cartoon Network project has gone belly up, so there is no conceivable conflict of interest within the Turner empire. 2) I watch TCM all the time, as evidenced - to give but one paltry example - by numerous "blog" references to Guy Kibbee. 3) I often write "literature" in which movies play a role. For example, one character in the title novella of my first book has a nightmare about Dean Martin. In real life, I once had a nightmare after watching the Martin film ADA on TCM... but my nightmare involved not Mr. Martin, but Wilfrid Hyde-White (pictured), who played the villain in the piece. Do you hear me? I actually have nightmares about Wilfrid Hyde White! See? Just the fact that I know who Wilfrid Hyde-White IS should get me a spot on TCM! 4) I have written about movies in a magazine. 5) I don't know if you are located in Los Angeles or New York, but you can set up a "shoot" on June 14th because I have most of that day free in New York... or the same goes for June 22nd in L.A. Great! So have your people call my people and we'll get this thing rolling!

Gosh!

Wait a darn minute! Do you think that the person ("Bob") who left me the note about cigarette holders could be... ROBERT OSBORNE? Probably not, but gee! Well, I'm going to pretend it was him. Get it, though? The commenter seems to know a lot about classic movie stars... and he's kind of secretive about his identity... It all adds up! Well, my notion makes me happy.

The Sidewalk

So Theresa and I were walking down the very same sidewalk tonight on which we recently saw someone smoking a cigarette and eating a strawberry ice cream cone at the same time. This time we saw a woman walking a shiny purebred dog and pushing a baby stroller. But there was no baby in the stroller! There was only a doll... a baby doll... FACE DOWN! And no child within several blocks! No child anywhere, as far as we could see! It was creepy! We still can't figure it out.

The Clearing

I'm not aware that I ever expressed any real surprise about cigarette holders or speculated in any way on the predilections of anyone who used a cigarette holder, as the fellow in question seems to imply. I just thought it was interesting how once I began to notice the habit, I saw it everywhere. Hope this clears everything up!

Cigarette Holders Are Back, I Guess

So... Some guy has taken a "blogspot" title similar to mine (bob-jackpendarvis.blogspot.com or such), and his entire "blog" seems to consist of one note to me, about my long defunct interest in cigarette holders. I guess it is my own fault for not having a "comments" place here at the "blog." But he's very kind to take an interest! And perhaps it's a grand idea... everyone who wants to comment on the "blog" can start his or her own "blog"! There must be a few bucks in it for me somewhere, perhaps a kickback from "blogspot." Here's his "blog" if you'd like to see it.

800th "Post" Marks Lowest Point For "Blog"

It turns out that the self-aggrandazing trifle entitled "Two New Reviews" was this "blog's" shameful 800th "post." We managed to inject a mild note of hope even into our wan 700th "post," but now we just don't know anymore. It has been all downhill since around # 500. Our 800th "post" was so weak that we've already had to augment it once and eat some of our words. Weak, Pendarvis! Sad and weak!

Aimlessness Is Not Cool

Contrary to what I claimed only moments ago, aimlessness is not cool. I believe what I was trying to get across is that any apparent aimlessness in my stories is masking or commenting on an aim, or so I think. Or what if I put it this way: "There's aim in my aimlessness." Then I would be paraphrasing Shakespeare, sort of! And as everyone knows, that would make me right.

Theresa Sure Does Love Potato Chips!

Yes she does.

Obliquity

I notice that I used the word "oblique" in a "post" yesterday and the adverb form of that same word in a "post" today. Also, when I was forced to start a "MySpace" page, I used the word "oblique" on that, too. This has all the makings of an awful trend and I'm putting my foot down right now.

Veronica Mars Brings People Together

I wanted to mention this in the last "post," but it was starting to feel too long. So: I sent Ms. Heather Havrilesky an email thanking her for what seemed to me a very fair review. She emailed me back and the next thing you know we were commiserating over the cancelation of VERONICA MARS like a couple of old chums! This is the power of the "internet" and I take back all the hateful things I've ever said about it. To paraphrase the fourth "blog"mandment, disagreement needn't be disagreeable! Let's all be friends!

Two New Reviews

Hi, everybody! My brother and Mark Childress have both written in to tell me about a nice mention of my new book in TIME OUT CHICAGO. TIME OUT CHICAGO wants people to stop thinking of me as a "stand-up comedian" (which technically I have never been, to my knowledge) and start taking me seriously! Darn it, they say, if this new book doesn't do the trick, nothing will (I'm paraphrasing). So, take that, people who accused me of being a stand-up comedian when my last book came out... who was that? ... oh, yeah! TIME OUT CHICAGO. Well, I'm just ribbing them very gently because I truly appreciate the nice mention and besides, it does seem to obliquely refer to their other review, so it's not like I'm "calling them out" or anything. I want to be friends with them! Speaking of which, a nice person named Ms. Havrilesky reviewed my book for Book Forum. Now Ms. Havrilesky didn't like EVERYTHING about the book, but I would say she seemed to relish enough of my saucy attitude to recommend it WITH SOME CAVEATS. And that's okay! In my opinion, she exaggerates the outlandishness of my characters, but it is something I've heard a lot, so maybe I am the one who is wrong! But if you concentrate on the positive things in the review - and choose, as I did, to interpret what she perceives as weaknesses as the towering strengths of a master author (I think "aimlessness" is cool, for example) - Ms. Havrilesky's review, at the very least, will make you curious about the book. And if you need a little help being pushed over the edge toward consumerism, why not check out the other reviews I've received: from ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY, also from THE BROOKLYN RAIL and a newspaper in San Diego and PUBLISHERS WEEKLY. Also, the Sunday Atlanta Journal-Constitution had some highly pleasant things to say about my writing in an interview/article about Sheri Joseph and myself. Or listen to me blather on a "podcast." Put them all in a hat and shake them up and the result, I believe, will make you interested. That is all I can hope for! I am just doing the best I can!

This Is What I Look Like

This (pictured) is what I look like according to the people at Jamie Allen's "blog." Kind of like Max Von Sydow in one of his more harrowing performances for Ingmar Bergman! The fellow who sketched me also provides a report on my reading last night. It seems more or less accurate, except for the fact that I would ask everyone to "lie down," not "lay down," which is not very grammatical. As for my pronunciation of gazebo, the whole point of that little hiccup was that my brain suddenly went blank. Hasn't that ever happened to you? You see a word you have been saying for your entire life (although I do go for long stretches without saying "gazebo" out loud) and suddenly it seems unfamiliar and strange? Right? As for my exhortation to the "gentlemen" in the audience, I am not sure the reporter makes it clear that there were many women required to stand while men sat at their leisure (I'm looking at you, Phil Oppenheim!). Finally, on the subject of Helicopter Island (another reference in that report on Jamie Allen's "blog"): one attendee believed that my fictional character who mentions Helicopter Island was making an oblique reference to the TV show LOST. Not true! I wrote that story a long time before I had even seen an episode of LOST, perhaps before LOST was even on the air, and certainly before a ********* almost reached the island, which occurred only a few weeks ago. I hope this clears everything up! Thanks to everyone who came out to my reading. I will try to do better in the future!

Don't Forget, Robert Osborne!

Hey, Mr. Osborne, don't forget! We can be TV buddies and introduce movies together. Come on, hook me up! This has been your daily reminder, Robert Osborne!

McNeil's Movie Korner: The Dotage of Jeff McNeil

I accidentally missed the first forty minutes of DON'T MAKE WAVES, starring Tony Curtis and Claudia Cardinale (pictured), on TCM this morning. But I recalled that Jeff McNeil had planned to record it, so I felt happy and safe. I phoned Mr. McNeil, just to reassure myself that everything was going according to plan. "THE YELLOW LIGHT'S NOT ON!" Mr. McNeil screamed in my ear, via telephone. "THE YELLOW LIGHT'S NOT ON!" Yes, for the second time in just a few days, Mr. McNeil had neglected - for technical and personal reasons - to record a movie that no network in its right mind will ever show again. What is happening to Jeff McNeil? What is happening to us all?

Jeff McNeil's Island Breezes

Welcome once again to our most exotic regular feature, "Jeff McNeil's Island Breezes." Jeff McNeil writes in to say, "I'm never leaving my computer desk again. Ever. I've downloaded and used Google Earth. Amazing. I don't understand how this is possible. I can see the buildings and trees on Pitcairn Island - and it's an amazing zoom so you get a real feel for how isolated it is. It's a real introvert's adventure." Mr. McNeil is looking specifically at Oeno Island, which, like Henderson, is in the Pitcairn colony. Mr. McNeil is too busy with his imaginary island hopping to tell us about Oeno, but he directs us to what he considers an adequate Wikipedia entry on the subject. You're slipping, McNeil! Wikipedia is the coward's way out!

The Influence of Yodeling on Cats

The yodeling of Jimmie Rodgers (not to be confused with the bluesman Jimmy Rogers) is the first music coming out of the "computer" that has made the cat stop and listen (not the cat that stared at the light fixture. The other cat). This has been one in our series of investigations of the influence of stuff.

Thanks

I would like to thank everyone who worked so hard to make National Rewrite Your Novel Month such a rousing success. None of us actually accomplished anything, did we? But it sure is fun to try!

Chameleons to the Rescue

A gigantic art book is hard to read in bed. That's where MUSIC FOR CHAMELEONS by Truman Capote comes in! This handy little volume works wonders in just about any crisis, with bits as short and piquant as Mr. Capote himself, designed by experts to fit any mood. Buy one and stick it in your first aid kit today. This has been one in a series of tips to make your life better in this strange world we live in of modern times today.

You Shouldn't

I finished the book I was reading and it delivered on its promise. Now I am reading some essays about Mark Rothko in a book that reproduces some of his paintings. Why should you care? But this is what a "blog" is, I can't help it.

It Occurs To Me

It occurs to me based on the picture of Alexander Graham Bell that I "posted" earlier today - Paul Rudd could play him in a movie. Think about it!

I Almost Forgot

I almost forgot my daily plea to Robert Osborne, the genteel public face of the TCM network. I want to be your apprentice, Mr. Osborne! Not your successor!

Okay, Now I Do

Okay, now I DO have a MySpace page, but it's only to explain to people that I DON'T have a MySpace page. I hope everybody's happy!

I Do Not Have a MySpace Page

Word from Sheri Joseph about the AJC article coming out soon about both of us. She has seen a copy, and says there is one small error I need to correct. During the interview Sheri talked about spending all her time on her MySpace page. I guess it got turned around somehow, and apparently the article says that I spend all my time on MY MySpace page. But as longtime "blog" readers will appreciate, I do not and will never have a MySpace page! Sheri is afraid everyone will get angry looking for my nonexistent MySpace page and refuse to buy my book or something - like I have put one over on them! I would like to reassure Sheri that there are plenty of other reasons for people not to buy my book.

The Rubber Room

We are very proud of and excited for "Blog" Buddies Jon Langford and Kelly Hogan, both of whom - as we learned from a recent email - will soon get to perform onstage with Charley Pride (who we love here in the Pendarvis Building!) and Porter Wagoner (Hogan in her capacity as a member of Neko Case's band). It's all part of the upcoming Marty Stuart Late Night Jam at the world famous Ryman Auditorium! This brings to mind the fact that we've been meaning to recommend a CD - a Porter Wagoner compilation titled THE RUBBER ROOM. This is the sort of thing we usually keep close to our chests, recommending to only a few special friends... but that was ruined when they advertised my "fave" novel THE THIRD POLICEMAN by Flann O'Brien on the TV show LOST. Now I am given to understand that "information wants to be free," so I am going to go ahead and tell the world about Porter Wagoner's RUBBER ROOM. In fact, by an odd coincidence, I was thinking about emailing Hogan and asking her to consider covering the title track, yes, the titular "Rubber Room," but I was too tired. I believe this is the first time we have recommended a country album here at the "blog" since RUBY by Buck Owens. So take us seriously! Get "into" the Rubber Room today!

Talking Out Loud

Thanks to the power of the "internet," now you can hear me talk out loud if you are so inclined. They've added a "podcast" to that interview I told you about a couple of days ago. Listen to me give a "shout out" to "Blog Buddy" Jim Whorton. Listen to me opine with great fervor about the Gilmore Girls and other issues vital to our great nation we call home. Hey, if you come out to my reading tomorrow night, you can see what it's like when I talk right in front of you, all the pitiful faces I make and so on. Or just stay home and read the "blog." Or do something else you find enjoyable and leave me out of it entirely. It's all up to you!